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Wedding comparisons getting me down

210 replies

SP346 · 17/01/2024 07:07

I’m going to start by saying that I know I’m being unreasonable. I’m very pregnant and hormonal right now but I still need to get this off my chest.

I got married to my husband 2 years ago. We have an amazing marriage. We rarely argue, we get along great. We’re both quiet people and we keep our relationship private. We post photos together on social media and hold hands in public, but we don’t broadcast details about our marriage. For example, we sort any arguments out by talking through them together rather than by sharing it with others or letting it turn into shouting.

As we’re both quite quiet and shy people, we had a small wedding and we did a few non-traditional things to ease our anxieties. We’re in the UK where private first looks aren’t common but we had one and saw each other privately just before the ceremony. We both got very emotional with this, which meant neither of us cried during the actual ceremony as we got it out of our system early. We also had a private first dance with no audience, and we wrote a speech to each other, which we read to each other privately in our honeymoon suite with wedding cake and tea. These intimate moments were my absolute favourite part of our wedding and are memories we both cherish. We have no recordings of them but we don’t feel the need to. We still mixed with guests but those moments just the two of us were perfect.

My husbands brother got married in the summer and he and his wife could not be any more different than my husband and I. They both do acting as their careers and are very theatrical. We all know every detail of their marriage and they frequently argue in front of family. I know it’s normal to argue though and that every couple is different.

In their wedding, they saw each other for the first time in the ceremony. My husband’s brother broke down sobbing and his reaction was beautiful. They had a public first dance and shared their speeches about each other publicly too. This was all so lovely and I felt nothing but happiness for them.

Since their wedding has passed, however, my husband and I have received a lot of comments from his family. I’ve been told, ‘I bet you wish he cried when he saw you’. We’ve been questioned about why we didn’t do speeches or a dance, etc. My husband has a 26 year old sister who’s just got engaged and has openly said that she wants to be reacted to in the same way when she walks down the aisle, and she openly pities me, as does my MIL.

At the time I really didn’t care. I adore my husband and I know he adores me, and I wouldn’t change anything about our wedding or our marriage. It’s just started bothering me that our weddings are being compared so much. As nobody saw our intimate moments, his side of the family assume they just didn’t happen, and use that to state that my husband’s brother must love his wife more than my husband loves me.

im very much of the mindset that not every little thing needs to be shared publicly, and I wouldn’t change having the big wedding moments done privately for anything.

I know my husband adores me, and I know I’m being unreasonable and ridiculous and it’s my pregnancy hormones. And I feel ridiculous writing this. We just ignore the wedding comparisons and I didn’t care about them until I got further into my pregnancy.

Please tell me I’m being ridiculous, and please also share if you’ve experienced similar.

To add also, I’m not jealous of their wedding. I’d have dreaded doing a public first dance and speeches because of my anxiety and it would have spoiled my enjoyment of my wedding day

OP posts:
duckpancakes · 17/01/2024 07:09

Just say something like you're happy with how your wedding was could they stop being so rude please

RandomButtons · 17/01/2024 07:10

You sound great, as does your husband. He’s family sounds toxic - who openly states they pity someone! What a bunch of over dramatic weirdos.

Id be backing off from them to be honest.

Strawberrycheesecake7 · 17/01/2024 07:11

Your wedding sounds like it was lovely. Your family are being ridiculous and rude to say that they pity you. You don’t have to put on a show for other people for a wedding to be meaningful.

MyBigFatGreekSalad · 17/01/2024 07:12

I actually think your wedding sounds much more beautiful and special. Marriage is about a life time together not a wedding day.

Maddy70 · 17/01/2024 07:15

You are happy with your wedding. This is your hormones speaking
Ignore them

GRex · 17/01/2024 07:16

You need to be firm in response. "Oh no, I would have hated that", "That isn't how we wanted to do it" etc. It all sounds very immature with all the comments, and it's hard to know if they are particularly unpleasant or if you are unintentionally exaggerating the comments when you mull them over after the fact. Either way, you have a baby coming soon, so that's the ideal conversation switch.

Imitationzone · 17/01/2024 07:16

I wonder whether everyone is actually a bit jealous of your marriage? Quiet and solid and no need to prove anything.

the comments they make are nothing to do with you and your perfect wedding, it’s about their own insecurities so don’t be distracted by them.

Grilledsquid · 17/01/2024 07:16

Were they aware of the fact you had all these things privately? Sounds like they think you did none of these including the crying etc.

SP346 · 17/01/2024 07:20

They do know, but obviously they didn’t see them happen. We put them in our order of the day also so people knew where we were.
I think they may think that because they never saw them, they didn’t happen the way we describe. They were a bit upset at first that we wanted those moments without an audience though so maybe it’s linked

@Grilledsquid

OP posts:
LoudSnoringDog · 17/01/2024 07:20

With respect. Your husbands family sound histrionic and unbearable.

talk about being dramatic

PuttingDownRoots · 17/01/2024 07:20

In the all the weddings I've been to, I e never see a groom cry. They all loved their wives.

TealSapphire · 17/01/2024 07:20

IME these couples who have the big showy wedding do not last.

Olika · 17/01/2024 07:22

Your wedding sounded lovely. I would not keep quiet if I kept hearing comments like theirs. I would do what @GRex suggested: "Oh no, I would have hated that", "That isn't how we wanted to do it" etc.

RampantIvy · 17/01/2024 07:22

My husband’s brother broke down sobbing

I have never seen this happen. Is it usual for brides and grooms to cry at their wedding?

We had a small wedding, We didn't write speeches to each other and didn't have an evening do, so no first dance.

DH doesn't have any social media, and I think I have posted about him twice on FB. One was our ruby wedding anniversary and another was a picture of all of us at a family wedding last year. Other than that we don't live our lives on social media or in the limelight.

Your in laws sound weird.

user1477391263 · 17/01/2024 07:23

Your wedding sounds lovely and your family sounds very rude.

“No, we were happy with our wedding, it was the right size for us and we preferred things low key and want to concentrate our money on other things. Please don’t keep hinting negative things about our wedding; it’s not a very nice thing to do.”

FuzzyPenguin · 17/01/2024 07:24

I had this at my sisters wedding my aunt said to me “well it’s nice your mum got to have a proper wedding for one daughter”. This was a jab at me as I had a wedding with 30 people (Aunt did not make the cut hadn’t spoken to her in years) wore a none traditional dress and afterwards we all went out for a meal and then off to the pub.

I let it wash over me, the wedding was just how we wanted it small, informal and very us. Plus I didn’t spend a load of money feeding people I don’t even like! Ignore it your marriage sounds lovely which is the most important part.

underneaththeash · 17/01/2024 07:26

Sounds very American!
I'd have been really embarrassed if DH had broken down sobbing.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 17/01/2024 07:27

You're not being unreasonable to be upset by their comments. They are clearly intended to upset you, which is horrible at the best of times but worse when you're pregnant.

I think having a few well rehearsed replies could help. As GRex said, "I would have hated that", would be good. Or maybe "thank goodness DH knows me well enough not to do that". How about "it's wonderful that you got/ are getting the wedding you want, but it's not for me". Just keep rolling them out again and again every time they say something. Bullies (and these people are bullies), generally are after a reaction, if they don't get one they'll give up on that line of attack. If you want to be confrontational you could try "why are you so desperate to prove that your wedding/marriage is better than mine?". I'm not confrontational though so I'd never dare.

For what it's worth, I had a small wedding, immediate family only at a registry office. We then had a big party in the evening with all our friends, but absolutely no way was I walking down the aisle in a white dress with everyone staring at me.

MediumDwarf · 17/01/2024 07:35

I have similar. I don't think you’re being unreasonable to be hurt. But, if you were unbothered by these comments before you were pregnant then it’s almost certainly hormones at play now!

My husband and I had a very private ceremony with just our parents at a registry office on a weekday before our Saturday wedding ‘party’. The party was also small by comparison to most friends with only 60ish guests.

We had the best time, it was exactly how we wanted it to be- with time to actually speak to and enjoy the company of all our guests. We also cried at each other through the weekday ceremony, it was really emotional as we didn’t feel like it was a ‘performance’. I wouldn’t change a thing. We exchanged vows and ring, did speeches, cake cutting and a first dance in front of our 60 odd guests.
Two years later I am still getting comments about how it was ‘small’ and ‘much easier to organise (lol)’ even a few moans that ‘people didn’t see the actual wedding’ - although granted those were not directly to me.

You can’t please everyone, and if I’m honest I don't understand the wider reach of peoples investment in other peoples weddings. This level of interest isn’t shown for other life events. Why the obsession of a single day that doesn't impact them! They were invited to join and celebrate as an observer, if it doesn't meet their expectation, it would have been fine to decline. It wasn’t a secret, all our guests knew our plans before any invites were sent.

I think once the final sibling is married and they all have more going on in their lives these kind of conversations will stop.

Comparison is the thief of joy, you know this so try not to let their issues get to you!

CrispsandCheeseSandwich · 17/01/2024 07:35

They sound insane. I went to two weddings last year. One of them the groom was in floods before the bride even came in, the second one the groom didn't cry at all. I didn't occur to me at all to pity the second bride, or think that her husband wasn't as in love with her, or whatever the implication would be.
People are different. I didn't cry during my wedding.

Ellie1015 · 17/01/2024 07:37

It is their problem. You had a lovely wedding and more importantly a good marriage. Either they are tactless in which case ignore. Or they are being deliberately rude and I would still ignore but also would change my opinion of them.

YaWeeFurryBastard · 17/01/2024 07:37

If it makes you feel better I’d have absolutely hated it if my husband had broken down crying and in my circles that would be considered very odd and over the top.

ApathyMartha · 17/01/2024 07:38

I think I would have spent their wedding like 😬. Remember Kate’s side eye to camilla at Prince Harry’s? That would have been most of my friends at the ‘luvvies’ one.

againandagainand · 17/01/2024 07:43

You did what was right for you as a couple and they did for them.
Also,, not all grooms cry when they see their bride walking down the aisle.
Just some examples of how my wedding was different from the norm:

  • My (now) husband and I spent the night before our wedding together in the suite and got ready together.
  • My husband didn't do a speech
  • I got changed out of my wedding dress fairly quickly and put on jeans and a t-shirt.
Frasers · 17/01/2024 07:49

underneaththeash · 17/01/2024 07:26

Sounds very American!
I'd have been really embarrassed if DH had broken down sobbing.

I had assumed arranged marriage, so cultural. Maybe wrong though.

I think if it’s clear you’re happy, your husband just needs to have a word with them . And good luck with the pregnancy.

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