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Wedding comparisons getting me down

210 replies

SP346 · 17/01/2024 07:07

I’m going to start by saying that I know I’m being unreasonable. I’m very pregnant and hormonal right now but I still need to get this off my chest.

I got married to my husband 2 years ago. We have an amazing marriage. We rarely argue, we get along great. We’re both quiet people and we keep our relationship private. We post photos together on social media and hold hands in public, but we don’t broadcast details about our marriage. For example, we sort any arguments out by talking through them together rather than by sharing it with others or letting it turn into shouting.

As we’re both quite quiet and shy people, we had a small wedding and we did a few non-traditional things to ease our anxieties. We’re in the UK where private first looks aren’t common but we had one and saw each other privately just before the ceremony. We both got very emotional with this, which meant neither of us cried during the actual ceremony as we got it out of our system early. We also had a private first dance with no audience, and we wrote a speech to each other, which we read to each other privately in our honeymoon suite with wedding cake and tea. These intimate moments were my absolute favourite part of our wedding and are memories we both cherish. We have no recordings of them but we don’t feel the need to. We still mixed with guests but those moments just the two of us were perfect.

My husbands brother got married in the summer and he and his wife could not be any more different than my husband and I. They both do acting as their careers and are very theatrical. We all know every detail of their marriage and they frequently argue in front of family. I know it’s normal to argue though and that every couple is different.

In their wedding, they saw each other for the first time in the ceremony. My husband’s brother broke down sobbing and his reaction was beautiful. They had a public first dance and shared their speeches about each other publicly too. This was all so lovely and I felt nothing but happiness for them.

Since their wedding has passed, however, my husband and I have received a lot of comments from his family. I’ve been told, ‘I bet you wish he cried when he saw you’. We’ve been questioned about why we didn’t do speeches or a dance, etc. My husband has a 26 year old sister who’s just got engaged and has openly said that she wants to be reacted to in the same way when she walks down the aisle, and she openly pities me, as does my MIL.

At the time I really didn’t care. I adore my husband and I know he adores me, and I wouldn’t change anything about our wedding or our marriage. It’s just started bothering me that our weddings are being compared so much. As nobody saw our intimate moments, his side of the family assume they just didn’t happen, and use that to state that my husband’s brother must love his wife more than my husband loves me.

im very much of the mindset that not every little thing needs to be shared publicly, and I wouldn’t change having the big wedding moments done privately for anything.

I know my husband adores me, and I know I’m being unreasonable and ridiculous and it’s my pregnancy hormones. And I feel ridiculous writing this. We just ignore the wedding comparisons and I didn’t care about them until I got further into my pregnancy.

Please tell me I’m being ridiculous, and please also share if you’ve experienced similar.

To add also, I’m not jealous of their wedding. I’d have dreaded doing a public first dance and speeches because of my anxiety and it would have spoiled my enjoyment of my wedding day

OP posts:
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VampireWeekday · 17/01/2024 10:32

I think your MIL sounds like she enjoys stirring the pot. It's nor the norm for men to break down crying at a wedding, I have never seen it and would be alarmed if it happened to me.

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SerafinasGoose · 17/01/2024 10:39

A personal view only, not an indictment of anyone: the whole idea of 'first dances' and speeches makes me cringe. The tedium of identikit weddings with the same structure, same itinerary, same sort of food, same music, small variation on 'colour schemes' and venues, same this same that ad nauseam, makes me want to fall asleep.

And this is the problem with people like these in-laws. It's the level of expectation that things will follow precisely this kind of tired, prescribed format because it's 'tradition' that turns me off.

We eloped. No speeches, no first dances, no table arrangements, no fallings out over guests, no waiting around bored whilst endless photographs are taken, no gifts, and certainly no requests for money. The only people who minded were MiL and SiL. These days, if I can possibly decline a wedding invitation, I will.

Had the 'private'moments' not been detailed on some kind of event itinerary I'd have been entirely onside with OP. Even so, it was two years ago now and the in-laws really need to give it a rest. That horse has bolted.

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Mel2023 · 17/01/2024 10:49

The comments would bother me. I don’t understand the obsession with bride and groom crying. We constantly got asked if we thought we would, and then after why we didn’t (I did, actually, just after we’d left the ceremony room so no one saw, I’d been keeping it together until we weren’t in front of loads of people). It does sound like you had a lot of time alone at your wedding and maybe that put people out a bit. But I also I love that you and your husband took time to be together just you two. Your wedding day should be about you two and not other people. People should appreciate that while it’s maybe not their cup of tea, it’s what you want. Everyone has different ideas for weddings and as long and they do what they want it shouldn’t matter what anyone else thinks.

I found when planning our wedding there was a lot of pressure to go with “traditional” when actually things have moved on from when our parents and grandparents got married. It caused friction when we didn’t do things the “usual way”, and we didn’t do anything particularly out there or unusual.

I wish we’d done similar to you at our wedding in terms of having some time alone. I wanted DH and I to come out the ceremony and then get in the car and go for a drive for 5-10 minutes round the block, just us, so we could be together on our own and just reflect on the fact we’d just got married! The wedding car company suggested this and I loved the idea and so did DH. Mentioned it to our family, parents in particular, and they made such a fuss about how it wasn’t the traditional thing to do and we’d be rude leaving guests at the reception (for all of 10 minutes with plenty of canapés and drinks I might add) so we ended up scrapping the idea to save the drama. I loved our wedding day but this is the one thing I regret about it.

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NonPlayerCharacter · 17/01/2024 10:58

Your wedding day should be about you two and not other people.

That's true, but if you don't actually want to share your day and your moments with anyone else, why bother inviting them?

It costs time and money to go to a wedding. Why do it if the couple don't actually want you there?

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AntHouse · 17/01/2024 10:59

My mum is not a nice person. Took me a long time to realise that because there's a lot of polite, social masking surrounding the hate and insecurity.
She's often snide about our wedding, keen to praise others who had elements we skipped. Literally does a tinkly laugh and says 'bless' if anyone brings up how much they enjoyed or still think about a moment from the day.
Information diet going forward, limit the contact if it's going to be compare and contrast.

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DRS1970 · 17/01/2024 11:06

Sorry you have been made to feel sad about what should be one of your happiest days. I think your relatives are being insensitive, and a bit rude to be honest. Don't let their shortcomings mar your memories of your big day. I always feel that weddings should be about what the couple want from the day, rather the guests. Your day sounded a very intimate, and emotional day for you both - hang on to that, and don't be afraid to call out your relatives for being knobs!

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Calmdown14 · 17/01/2024 11:07

Honestly, my husband has never done any of that. We didn't have speeches of any kind of a first dance. He's not one to write letters or do anything romantic.

But he will get up early to clear my car of snow, bring me tea in bed, do things for our kids

Go and read the thread about the useless husband who presents as perfect dad but was too ill to help with a fitting child.

This is just hormones. You did a day that suits your personalities and enjoyed it. Ignore the rest.

You will get a much thicker skin when it's 'oh your child is not rolling yet, mine has been doing that for weeks '.

Your SIL is allowed to want a public reaction if she wants, they can all have that as their preference but you chose differently and that's not lesser in any way.

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gldd · 17/01/2024 11:36

I think you need to work on caring less what others think. You had the perfect event for you, you planned it beforehand to your own wishes, and as you wrote yourself, it went well and made you both happy.

Anyone else can do and say what they want. It doesn't take away from what you had / have.

Read 'The Life-Changing Magic of Not Giving a F**k'.

It's thoughtless and rude for anyone else to question your decisions and your preferences in the way that they have, and in your position I would tell them so.

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kintra · 17/01/2024 11:36

@oldsprouts its the marriage that is important not the wedding

Both are important IMO

@Wheresthebeach If DH had cried when he saw me I would have been muttering 'get a fucking grip' under my breath.

And that would have been very rude and nasty. Why would you boast about belittling and dismissing your husband's emotions?

Obviously the in-laws are being ridiculous, but I agree that OP seems to think her marriage is superior because she had more private moments during her wedding. And that it was pretty rude to guests to leave them standing during these private moments. Everyone involved should grow up and get over themselves really

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TheFlis · 17/01/2024 11:44

I would just say ‘well, not everyone feels the need to have an audience’ accompanied by a mumsnet tinkly laugh.

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GladAllOver · 17/01/2024 11:48

A wedding is just one day. One day. The rest of your marriage is what is important.
Our wedding day cost about £300. We were happy with that and we are happy with our marriage.

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JudgeJ · 17/01/2024 11:50

MyBigFatGreekSalad · 17/01/2024 07:12

I actually think your wedding sounds much more beautiful and special. Marriage is about a life time together not a wedding day.

Exactly! Tell them you wanted a classy wedding rather than a pseudo social media event!

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Backinthedress · 17/01/2024 11:50

I'm fully expecting my fiance to pull a stupid face at me as I appear because he's uncomfortable with public displays of emotion and he'll be trying to make me laugh! I would be honestly worried if he cried in front of everyone. I agree that you just need to be a bit robust in response to these comments and keep reminding yourself that you did it right for you. When you've got a baby you'll need to be their advocate for lots of difficult situations, why not start practicing for yourself right now? x

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Whataretheodds · 17/01/2024 11:57

JudgeJ · 17/01/2024 11:50

Exactly! Tell them you wanted a classy wedding rather than a pseudo social media event!

Don't do this. It won't shut down the conversation, and is unnecessarily rude.

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LexRider · 17/01/2024 11:58

AntHouse · 17/01/2024 10:59

My mum is not a nice person. Took me a long time to realise that because there's a lot of polite, social masking surrounding the hate and insecurity.
She's often snide about our wedding, keen to praise others who had elements we skipped. Literally does a tinkly laugh and says 'bless' if anyone brings up how much they enjoyed or still think about a moment from the day.
Information diet going forward, limit the contact if it's going to be compare and contrast.

This is good advice.

Nice people don’t criticise their daughter in law’s wedding to her. Your in-laws aren’t nice people OP. What they’re saying is incredibly rude. If they preferred a different wedding that doesn’t mean they have to say so to you.

Don’t take it personally or let it spoil your memories of the day, just recognise that they are not nice people and be careful how much of yourself you share with them, particularly as you become a mum, as they’ll try to work out which topics upset you and then bring them up over and over to get a reaction from you. They won’t do this on purpose, just automatically, cos that’s how people like them interact.

I bet they give you SO much ‘advice’ (criticism) about baby names, baby sleep, baby clothes, general parenting… Recognise now that they will do this, expect it, and when it happens remember that they’re doing it because they are dicks and don’t let it upset you. Do not tell them the baby’s name until the baby is born and it’s already final, otherwise they’ll try to bully you into some other choice.

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blackpanth · 17/01/2024 12:03

Ignore them! X

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PinkyFlamingo · 17/01/2024 12:37

I think some people in support of of OP are being rude about other wedding choices....there is nothing odd or OTT about speeches and first dances, in fact they are perfectly normal. It's not being "showy" either. If you don't like them or want to fair enough but the snobbery and disdain shown here is rather nasty at times. Everyone should have the wedding they want, but it seems pointless inviting guests and then excluding them from parts.

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oldsprouts · 17/01/2024 12:41

kintra · 17/01/2024 11:36

@oldsprouts its the marriage that is important not the wedding

Both are important IMO

@Wheresthebeach If DH had cried when he saw me I would have been muttering 'get a fucking grip' under my breath.

And that would have been very rude and nasty. Why would you boast about belittling and dismissing your husband's emotions?

Obviously the in-laws are being ridiculous, but I agree that OP seems to think her marriage is superior because she had more private moments during her wedding. And that it was pretty rude to guests to leave them standing during these private moments. Everyone involved should grow up and get over themselves really

I disagree with you, its what is between the couple that is of real value. So many weddings are very showy these days and then the couple split up, cheat, treat each other badly and so on. It is just a single day while the marriage is what actually happens when you aren't performing for others.

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StockpotSoup · 17/01/2024 12:42

If your BIL bursting into tears was a genuinely spontaneous reaction, your SIL is setting herself up for disappointment by wanting the same reaction. No two people are genuinely going to have the exact same reaction at the altar, never mind within the same family.

Does SIL’s fiancé know he’s supposed to cry? If so, doesn’t that put him under enormous pressure? Is he going to keep a hatpin in his pocket to jab himself in the nads if the tears don’t come naturally?

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kintra · 17/01/2024 12:54

oldsprouts · 17/01/2024 12:41

I disagree with you, its what is between the couple that is of real value. So many weddings are very showy these days and then the couple split up, cheat, treat each other badly and so on. It is just a single day while the marriage is what actually happens when you aren't performing for others.

I mean, you can disagree if you like. It doesn't make my opinion invalid. Weddings are a celebration of the couple, an occasion to merge families and see extended family you rarely see (outside funerals), an opportunity to share your happiness with your loved ones, a legal declaration (the truly important bit). Yes what comes after is the real making of the couple, but it doesn't make the wedding unimportant.

And yes some people have big weddings then split up. Some people have small weddings then split up, and some people have big weddings and spend the rest of their lives devoted to each other. Your point?

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TTCSoManyQuestions88 · 17/01/2024 12:55

They don't sound very nice and the comments are very obviously designed to hurt you and upset you. Maybe they feel slighted, maybe they're just nasty drama loving people. Either way, ignore.

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PersephonePomegranate23 · 17/01/2024 12:59

Your in-laws sound like insufferable show-offs. I'd be tempted to reply that you'd have been mortified if your husband started publicly sobbing on your wedding day, but of course that would be unkind and you don't sound like an unkind person at all.

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oldsprouts · 17/01/2024 13:06

@kintra It doesn't matter if anyone see it or not he legal bit remains the same, you can share your happiness in any circumstance not just a wedding (and lots of people find weddings dull just so you know and just grin and bear it because its considered rude to turn such an invite down). Do families really merge all that often and does the wedding really have any bearing on that, I think not. It all sounds like an excuse for certain people to make a big show for a day, fine if that is what you like but it has no meaning for the actual marriage and just isn't that important.

"And yes some people have big weddings then split up. Some people have small weddings then split up, and some people have big weddings and spend the rest of their lives devoted to each other. Your point?"

You make my point for me, the wedding is just not that important.

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SerenChocolateMuncher · 17/01/2024 13:20

We did all the usual things on our wedding day, including the first dance, cake cutting and all that. I pleased to say neither my husband nor I cried at any point in the day, privately or publicly. I would have been mortified if he had blubbed when he saw me walking down the aisle.

In fact, I have never seen a bride or groom cry on their wedding day (except the bride who caught her husband snogging with an ex-girlfriend guest, but I don't think that's what we are talking about here). It's bizarre that OP's family think this kind of weird carry-on is normal. I feel particularly sorry for the poor sap who is expected to cry for his bride when he sees her on his wedding day. God help him... 😆

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Avacardo2023 · 17/01/2024 15:22

Well quite, but why invite the audience in that case? All of these people turning up to a wedding, bringing presents, buying new outfits etc to share in the happy day but then get told that they are only allowed to watch edited highlights of the day.

I would have come away thinking it was odd and frankly a bit rude that someone invited me to their wedding but also treated me like some sort of voyeur or peeping Tom at the same time.

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