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Wedding comparisons getting me down

210 replies

SP346 · 17/01/2024 07:07

I’m going to start by saying that I know I’m being unreasonable. I’m very pregnant and hormonal right now but I still need to get this off my chest.

I got married to my husband 2 years ago. We have an amazing marriage. We rarely argue, we get along great. We’re both quiet people and we keep our relationship private. We post photos together on social media and hold hands in public, but we don’t broadcast details about our marriage. For example, we sort any arguments out by talking through them together rather than by sharing it with others or letting it turn into shouting.

As we’re both quite quiet and shy people, we had a small wedding and we did a few non-traditional things to ease our anxieties. We’re in the UK where private first looks aren’t common but we had one and saw each other privately just before the ceremony. We both got very emotional with this, which meant neither of us cried during the actual ceremony as we got it out of our system early. We also had a private first dance with no audience, and we wrote a speech to each other, which we read to each other privately in our honeymoon suite with wedding cake and tea. These intimate moments were my absolute favourite part of our wedding and are memories we both cherish. We have no recordings of them but we don’t feel the need to. We still mixed with guests but those moments just the two of us were perfect.

My husbands brother got married in the summer and he and his wife could not be any more different than my husband and I. They both do acting as their careers and are very theatrical. We all know every detail of their marriage and they frequently argue in front of family. I know it’s normal to argue though and that every couple is different.

In their wedding, they saw each other for the first time in the ceremony. My husband’s brother broke down sobbing and his reaction was beautiful. They had a public first dance and shared their speeches about each other publicly too. This was all so lovely and I felt nothing but happiness for them.

Since their wedding has passed, however, my husband and I have received a lot of comments from his family. I’ve been told, ‘I bet you wish he cried when he saw you’. We’ve been questioned about why we didn’t do speeches or a dance, etc. My husband has a 26 year old sister who’s just got engaged and has openly said that she wants to be reacted to in the same way when she walks down the aisle, and she openly pities me, as does my MIL.

At the time I really didn’t care. I adore my husband and I know he adores me, and I wouldn’t change anything about our wedding or our marriage. It’s just started bothering me that our weddings are being compared so much. As nobody saw our intimate moments, his side of the family assume they just didn’t happen, and use that to state that my husband’s brother must love his wife more than my husband loves me.

im very much of the mindset that not every little thing needs to be shared publicly, and I wouldn’t change having the big wedding moments done privately for anything.

I know my husband adores me, and I know I’m being unreasonable and ridiculous and it’s my pregnancy hormones. And I feel ridiculous writing this. We just ignore the wedding comparisons and I didn’t care about them until I got further into my pregnancy.

Please tell me I’m being ridiculous, and please also share if you’ve experienced similar.

To add also, I’m not jealous of their wedding. I’d have dreaded doing a public first dance and speeches because of my anxiety and it would have spoiled my enjoyment of my wedding day

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 17/01/2024 15:28

AfterTheSummer · 17/01/2024 08:38

Both weddings sound ridiculously stagey to me, whether it’s the groom bursting into sobs or the couple having a pre-arranged “private view”. WTF- you’re the bride, not the Summer Exhibition.

You did things your way, they did them their way. Very odd of his family to draw comparisons and I’d just ignore.

My thoughts exactly
I'd have died of embarrassment if mine had been like either of those.

But each to their own.

Which is all you need to say to people

Spirallingdownwards · 17/01/2024 15:38

If it makes you feel any better my husband laughed all through his vows. He says from nerves or because he was happy.

I think your set up sounds lovely and tk be honest if they had an acting background I would assume theirs was all an act and even if it wasn't then so what. The fact they will even argue publicly suggests they just like the show! His family around bonkers. Good job you landed the normal one.

Betsyhilton · 17/01/2024 15:41

Can people not just get married anymore? Now, on top of destination weddings and daytime invitees and evening invitees we have private viewings, brides and grooms making speeches to each other, and grooms bursting into tears at the sight of the bride?

RampantIvy · 17/01/2024 16:03

Indeed @Betsyhilton The heights of ridiculousness get even more silly these days.

Tinkerbyebye · 17/01/2024 16:13

Just tell them you did have those moments but privately as that’s what you wanted and can they now stop with the rude comparisons

then if they start up again must state I have already explained what happened,you are being very rude and just walk away each and every time

Lifeisapeach · 17/01/2024 16:30

They’re feeling put out that you dared to have some private moments to yourself. Do not even give it a second thought. Your wedding sounds perfect. Focus on what’s important to you.

Winter2020 · 17/01/2024 16:40

I expect that there is no correlation between whether people cry publicly at their wedding and whether they are still together in 20 years.

Remember you had the wedding you wanted and try not to give it any more thought.

Joeylove88 · 17/01/2024 16:41

Who cares what anyone else thinks when you got to have your special day exactly how you both wanted it! I would feel pity for them needing validation from others all watching them to be honest. Your idea of seeing eachother in private before the ceremony sounds really lovely i might keep that one in mind if my partner ever decides to propose 🤣

Snowdogsmitten · 17/01/2024 16:47

I mean, it’s a bit odd for a bride and groom to disappear off to read each other a speech and have tea and cake on their own in the middle of the wedding, leaving their guests in their own, I expect everyone just assumed you were shagging 😂 but each to their own. Just ignore them.

Sophierx89 · 17/01/2024 16:51

I think you just need to let his family know you're all different people and you loved your wedding day and wouldn't have wished it to be any different.

I'm getting married in November, like you me and my partner are very private people. If someone went snooping on my Facebook profile you wouldn't even think I was in a relationship we post that little about each other! 😅We are having a small registry office ceremony with 16 guests and then having a party on the evening where we can invite more people. We won't be doing speeches, first dances in front of people so your idea of doing this privately has given me food for thought! I have 2 friends who are getting married in Spring next year and they are having bigger weddings than me I have nothing but excitement and happiness for both of them but another friend has made a comment along the lines of "don't you wish you were having that big traditional wedding?". My answer was simply no, I'm happy for them and their choices.

MrsRonaldWeasley · 17/01/2024 17:12

I think your wedding sounds beautiful and absolutely perfect for you and your husband. I wish I’d been less traditional for my wedding. My DH and I are both quiet and introverted and we spent much of our wedding day feeling anxious about the next ‘public’ part of the day (we decided to have the speeches before the meal otherwise my DH wouldn’t have been able to eat anything!). Please try to ignore anyone who tries to suggest that your wedding was anything other than EXACTLY how you wanted it. Big showy over-the-top shows of emotion aren’t for everyone (and would make me want the ground to open up and swallow me 🤣)

EC22 · 17/01/2024 17:26

Yes, you’re being daft, it doesn’t matter what others think or say, you loved how your wedding went down and that’s what’s important.

Just cut the commenters down with we had our moments in private, just how we wanted it.

I didn’t cry at my wedding, nor did my husband.
Still got a happy loving marriage, many years later.

MoserRothOrangeandAlmond · 17/01/2024 17:30

You done your wedding the way you wanted.
So stick with that! I would just shut down conversations about it.
An example is: 'ahh no I would have hated that!' Or 'ahh we done it the right way for us'
I don't understand the crying at weddings..... we were so excited to get married it was just all smiles! (I did cry once and that was when we visited my grandad who has dementia right after the service)
Hate doing first dances so we stood up to dance and my sister and brother in law and my husbands sister and her husband danced with us and got everyone up.

Manthide · 17/01/2024 17:31

Neither of my elder daughters' husbands cried when they saw them. I didn't realise that that happened- maybe a slight moistening of the eyes. The weddings were also completely different but they each had the wedding they wanted. Dd1 had to cancel her wedding a couple of weeks before it happened due to covid and when they did get married they had to whittle the guest list down to 30. Dd2 got married 6 months before covid and had over 100 guests. I wouldn't let it get to you, just enjoy your pregnancy and new baby .

MoserRothOrangeandAlmond · 17/01/2024 17:32

Also my BIL did cry at their wedding as I brought my 8 week old daughter down the aisle with me as a flower girl.
I had to hand her over for a cuddle with her uncle prior to sitting down!

He didn't cry when my SIL walked down the aisle....he loves her very much!
But his little cute niece was the one that brought the tears 🤣🤣

Stupidliefromfriend · 17/01/2024 17:39

What a pack of weirdos making those comments. Sorry OP I know it's upsetting for you but I can't stop laughing. If anyone is ridiculous it's them!

Noseybookworm · 17/01/2024 17:56

I didn't cry at my wedding, neither did my husband. We've been married 34 years. There's such an obsession with weddings these days, I think it's got out of hand! Your IL's opinions don't matter, let it go and concentrate on your own little family 😊 you'll soon be so busy with a new baby, you won't have time to worry about petty rubbish like this!

Atethehalloweenchocs · 17/01/2024 18:09

Response to 'bet you wish he cried when he saw you' - how do you know he didn't?

SIL and MIL - you are being very rude, I get that XXs wedding is more in line with how you would do it, but there is room in the world for a range of ways to do things, and I would appreciate it if you respected that.'

Snowonthebeachx · 17/01/2024 18:22

Your husbands family sound bonkers. Ignore.

I'd have been embarrassed if my husband burst into tears when he saw me walking down the aisle!

Also think private first looks are a bit OTT and first dances are often cringe but that is my opinion and has no bearing on others.

Kit60 · 17/01/2024 19:07

GRex · 17/01/2024 07:16

You need to be firm in response. "Oh no, I would have hated that", "That isn't how we wanted to do it" etc. It all sounds very immature with all the comments, and it's hard to know if they are particularly unpleasant or if you are unintentionally exaggerating the comments when you mull them over after the fact. Either way, you have a baby coming soon, so that's the ideal conversation switch.

I’d follow Michelle Obama’s advice on this one and when they go low, go high so I’d avoid stoking the flames by saying “I’d hate that” (they’ll just think you’re jealous). I’d just listen and look slightly distracted/bored or stare into space if a comment is directed at your DH and if I have to say anything it’d be simply: “Our wedding day was perfect for us.” big sickly lovestruck smile at your DH 😂 If they keep bringing it up, I’d breezily say, “Yes, we’ve had this conversation a few times before.”

Definitely hormones. Congratulations btw. Honestly, I’d grey rock this tbh as the comparisons will continue thick and fast when grandchildren are born.

74Violette · 17/01/2024 19:08

Who breaks down in tears at their wedding?! The groom sounds melodramatic and all for show.
The in-laws sound like toxic stirrers too, just keep reminding them that you loved your wedding and wouldn't have wanted it any other way.

Noicant · 17/01/2024 19:25

My husband doesn’t cry I would have been bewildered if he cried on our wedding day, but he did look pretty happy and held my hand throughout the ceremony. Some people just aren’t performative, it’s fine either way. Ignore it all.


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gestroopd · 17/01/2024 20:07

They put on a good show. They entertained their public. And like the best performances, the public believed it. They may be truly, madly, deeply in love, but the idea that two actors, with an audience focussed on just them, would be understated is hard to believe.

I'm glad you had your wedding first, as you weren't pressurised into re-enacting theirs.

VWd · 17/01/2024 20:14

They sound so rude! We had the most lowkey wedding, due to how anxious it would have made me we only had a very small group of people for the ceremony part and had no speeches at all. Everyone does it differently (well actually probably a fair chunk of them do it exactly the same and that’s fine too if it’s what the couple individually want) but it really shouldn’t matter to anyone else at all! They sound so rude and most likely unhappy themselves to feel the need to continually make nasty comments like this 😑 The advice I always give on here to react to rudeness is the best advice I heard. Just say ‘sorry?’ 🤔 really confused like you haven’t heard right, anytime anyone says something rude. They then need to repeat what they said and it attracts more people’s attention to how rude it was. You could say that for them to repeat themselves then give a short blunt response each time about how ‘we’ were happy with ours exactly as it was thanks

TygerPassant · 17/01/2024 20:42

gestroopd · 17/01/2024 20:07

They put on a good show. They entertained their public. And like the best performances, the public believed it. They may be truly, madly, deeply in love, but the idea that two actors, with an audience focussed on just them, would be understated is hard to believe.

I'm glad you had your wedding first, as you weren't pressurised into re-enacting theirs.

On the other hand, you could see the OP and her groom invited their public and then made it very clear that, while the ‘performance’ was happening, the audience didn’t get to see it because it was ‘private’.

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