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AIBU?

Wedding comparisons getting me down

210 replies

SP346 · 17/01/2024 07:07

I’m going to start by saying that I know I’m being unreasonable. I’m very pregnant and hormonal right now but I still need to get this off my chest.

I got married to my husband 2 years ago. We have an amazing marriage. We rarely argue, we get along great. We’re both quiet people and we keep our relationship private. We post photos together on social media and hold hands in public, but we don’t broadcast details about our marriage. For example, we sort any arguments out by talking through them together rather than by sharing it with others or letting it turn into shouting.

As we’re both quite quiet and shy people, we had a small wedding and we did a few non-traditional things to ease our anxieties. We’re in the UK where private first looks aren’t common but we had one and saw each other privately just before the ceremony. We both got very emotional with this, which meant neither of us cried during the actual ceremony as we got it out of our system early. We also had a private first dance with no audience, and we wrote a speech to each other, which we read to each other privately in our honeymoon suite with wedding cake and tea. These intimate moments were my absolute favourite part of our wedding and are memories we both cherish. We have no recordings of them but we don’t feel the need to. We still mixed with guests but those moments just the two of us were perfect.

My husbands brother got married in the summer and he and his wife could not be any more different than my husband and I. They both do acting as their careers and are very theatrical. We all know every detail of their marriage and they frequently argue in front of family. I know it’s normal to argue though and that every couple is different.

In their wedding, they saw each other for the first time in the ceremony. My husband’s brother broke down sobbing and his reaction was beautiful. They had a public first dance and shared their speeches about each other publicly too. This was all so lovely and I felt nothing but happiness for them.

Since their wedding has passed, however, my husband and I have received a lot of comments from his family. I’ve been told, ‘I bet you wish he cried when he saw you’. We’ve been questioned about why we didn’t do speeches or a dance, etc. My husband has a 26 year old sister who’s just got engaged and has openly said that she wants to be reacted to in the same way when she walks down the aisle, and she openly pities me, as does my MIL.

At the time I really didn’t care. I adore my husband and I know he adores me, and I wouldn’t change anything about our wedding or our marriage. It’s just started bothering me that our weddings are being compared so much. As nobody saw our intimate moments, his side of the family assume they just didn’t happen, and use that to state that my husband’s brother must love his wife more than my husband loves me.

im very much of the mindset that not every little thing needs to be shared publicly, and I wouldn’t change having the big wedding moments done privately for anything.

I know my husband adores me, and I know I’m being unreasonable and ridiculous and it’s my pregnancy hormones. And I feel ridiculous writing this. We just ignore the wedding comparisons and I didn’t care about them until I got further into my pregnancy.

Please tell me I’m being ridiculous, and please also share if you’ve experienced similar.

To add also, I’m not jealous of their wedding. I’d have dreaded doing a public first dance and speeches because of my anxiety and it would have spoiled my enjoyment of my wedding day

OP posts:
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surreygirl1987 · 17/01/2024 23:42

Other people are weird and rude. My husband and I saw each other before the ceremony (it's common in America - the 'first look') and I'd have been embarrassed if we cried in front of everyone anyway. We also didn't do a 'first dance' as my husband was scared - I couldn't have cared less. We had the perfect wedding FOR US and I bet you did too.

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StragglyTinsel · 18/01/2024 07:26

The person with the actual problem here is the 26 year old sister (and her fiance), who now have the expectations set for their wedding at hallmark movie (with professional actors weeping at the altar).

The poor fiancé will be demonised by his in-laws if he doesn’t cry or perhaps faint because he’s so overcome by the beauty of his bride.

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Londonrach1 · 18/01/2024 07:45

Tbh I never seen a from cry. Sounds Abit ott. Everyone has their wedding of choice. Just ignore the comments. No one outside your inlaws family cares. They sound very strange.

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StripeyDeckchair · 18/01/2024 08:13

Respond: Our wedding was perfect for us, we chose every aspect of it to suit us and that included the fact that everyone wasnt present for all our key moments.
Comparing weddings is rude and spiteful so please stop trying to rile or upset us by insinuating that our wedding was somehow inadequate to others; it wasn't, it was perfect.

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JudgeJ · 18/01/2024 22:18

Whataretheodds · 17/01/2024 11:57

Don't do this. It won't shut down the conversation, and is unnecessarily rude.

People who make rude comments such as the sneery comments about the OP's wedding deserve only rude responses otherwise they carry on regardless!

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FarmGirl78 · 19/01/2024 12:12

You had a wonderful wedding with private, intimate moments. You have what sounds like a wonderful, supportive, balanced, respectful and understanding marriage. You have something of substance which most people would give their right arm for.

They had a wonderful wedding with public, intimate moments, which I'd very much question were genuine or done OTT for show. They have what sounds a shallow, volatile marriage where they are argue publicly and privately, and focus too much on outward appearances.

If everyone, either friends or strangers, knew the truth of your and their circumstances..... Which one do you think the majority would pick? The wedding? Or the marriage?

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Newtrix · 19/01/2024 14:09

LoudSnoringDog · 17/01/2024 07:20

With respect. Your husbands family sound histrionic and unbearable.

talk about being dramatic

.

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Newtrix · 19/01/2024 14:11

TygerPassant · 17/01/2024 08:13

In the nicest possible way, I think both couples sound insanely melodramatic and stagey. Yes, they did the crying, dancing and speechifying in front of other people, but you appear to have done exactly the same thing, just without witnesses, but having put them into your order of service, which is quite weird to me. Did it actually say

BRIDE AND GROOM HAVE A PRIVATE VIEW
BRIDE AND GROOM RETREAT TO HONEYMOON SUITE TO EXCHANGE SPEECHES PRIVATELY
BRIDE AND GROOM DO A PRIVATE FIRST DANCE

while the guests got politely restive in another part of the venue?

100% agree!

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Sceptre86 · 19/01/2024 14:22

You wanted those moments to be private and that was your perogative. However i do think it is strange to do so many aspects of a western wedding away from guests. What were your guests doing at that point? I wouldn't have loved a theatrical wedding either but it sounds like it suited them as yours did you. When people make daft comments you should shut them down. So our wedding was just perfect to us, we preferred to have more intimate moments, stop comparing the two and also did you mean to be so rude. Use these phrases and put them on repeat.

My dh's was grinning ear to ear when he saw me on our wedding day, he whispered in my ear and I was beaming. I've been asked numerous times what he said but that's between us. We were both emotional during the religious part of the ceremony but that was held separately, for me the enormity of it hit me. For him he said it was just a feeling of his life truly starting from that moment on. When we joined each other as man and wife it was a time of celebration. It would have been bloody awkward for me had he cried then, I'm socially awkward at the best of times.

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BlueGrey1 · 19/01/2024 14:45

I think your wedding sounded perfect and very authentic, it perfectly suited the type of people ye are, quite and reserved

The next time they say something to you, just say that your wedding was exactly as you wanted it and I wouldn’t change a thing even if you did it again

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