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Wedding comparisons getting me down

210 replies

SP346 · 17/01/2024 07:07

I’m going to start by saying that I know I’m being unreasonable. I’m very pregnant and hormonal right now but I still need to get this off my chest.

I got married to my husband 2 years ago. We have an amazing marriage. We rarely argue, we get along great. We’re both quiet people and we keep our relationship private. We post photos together on social media and hold hands in public, but we don’t broadcast details about our marriage. For example, we sort any arguments out by talking through them together rather than by sharing it with others or letting it turn into shouting.

As we’re both quite quiet and shy people, we had a small wedding and we did a few non-traditional things to ease our anxieties. We’re in the UK where private first looks aren’t common but we had one and saw each other privately just before the ceremony. We both got very emotional with this, which meant neither of us cried during the actual ceremony as we got it out of our system early. We also had a private first dance with no audience, and we wrote a speech to each other, which we read to each other privately in our honeymoon suite with wedding cake and tea. These intimate moments were my absolute favourite part of our wedding and are memories we both cherish. We have no recordings of them but we don’t feel the need to. We still mixed with guests but those moments just the two of us were perfect.

My husbands brother got married in the summer and he and his wife could not be any more different than my husband and I. They both do acting as their careers and are very theatrical. We all know every detail of their marriage and they frequently argue in front of family. I know it’s normal to argue though and that every couple is different.

In their wedding, they saw each other for the first time in the ceremony. My husband’s brother broke down sobbing and his reaction was beautiful. They had a public first dance and shared their speeches about each other publicly too. This was all so lovely and I felt nothing but happiness for them.

Since their wedding has passed, however, my husband and I have received a lot of comments from his family. I’ve been told, ‘I bet you wish he cried when he saw you’. We’ve been questioned about why we didn’t do speeches or a dance, etc. My husband has a 26 year old sister who’s just got engaged and has openly said that she wants to be reacted to in the same way when she walks down the aisle, and she openly pities me, as does my MIL.

At the time I really didn’t care. I adore my husband and I know he adores me, and I wouldn’t change anything about our wedding or our marriage. It’s just started bothering me that our weddings are being compared so much. As nobody saw our intimate moments, his side of the family assume they just didn’t happen, and use that to state that my husband’s brother must love his wife more than my husband loves me.

im very much of the mindset that not every little thing needs to be shared publicly, and I wouldn’t change having the big wedding moments done privately for anything.

I know my husband adores me, and I know I’m being unreasonable and ridiculous and it’s my pregnancy hormones. And I feel ridiculous writing this. We just ignore the wedding comparisons and I didn’t care about them until I got further into my pregnancy.

Please tell me I’m being ridiculous, and please also share if you’ve experienced similar.

To add also, I’m not jealous of their wedding. I’d have dreaded doing a public first dance and speeches because of my anxiety and it would have spoiled my enjoyment of my wedding day

OP posts:
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gluggle · 17/01/2024 09:06

NonPlayerCharacter · 17/01/2024 09:01

Heh, have to say I agree. Completely understand wanting private moments, but why bother inviting the guests only to pointedly exclude them from key moments and let them know about it? Performative privacy...

The reactions you're getting now may be people letting you know how that made them feel.

Performative privacy, spot on.

Honestly my toes would be curling if I turned up at a wedding and it was in the order of service that the couple were having a private first dance 🤣

I'm not surprised they're getting a few comments.

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AnnieRegent · 17/01/2024 09:06

Oh also - definitely don’t say things like “I would have hated that” about your relatives’ weddings. It’s tempting but it’s fighting fire with fire and will probably make everything worse. You want everything to calm down especially as you’re about to have a baby! I would aim more for the “oh that’s not for me but I’m glad we all had weddings that suit us” type. You want them to feel mildly rebuked and to shut up. If that doesn’t work then get your husband to speak to them.

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NonPlayerCharacter · 17/01/2024 09:07

purplesky18 · 17/01/2024 09:05

If it’s any consolation my husband forgot to turn around as I was walking down the aisle because he was too nervous so I just appeared next to him. Let it wash over you OP. We had a very budget church and hall reception and it was perfect for us, we previously went to a grand hugeeeee money wedding before that ended in a brawl and police.

we previously went to a grand hugeeeee money wedding before that ended in a brawl and police.

To be fair, that sounds fucking awesome.

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PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 17/01/2024 09:13

SP346 · 17/01/2024 07:20

They do know, but obviously they didn’t see them happen. We put them in our order of the day also so people knew where we were.
I think they may think that because they never saw them, they didn’t happen the way we describe. They were a bit upset at first that we wanted those moments without an audience though so maybe it’s linked

@Grilledsquid

Edited

I didn´t read that update. I still maintain that their comments are incredibly rude and cruel.

I do however agree with pp that wrote about this being potentially quite hurtful to your guests.

Some waiting around - photo sessions, touching up make-up etc. - is to be expected at a wedding. But the bride and groom leaving to have their speeches in private whilst the guests are there? To have their dance in private as well?

It is unusual. People usually invite guests to share the joy of the wedding with them. Whereas you chose to exclude them from some moments that are traditionally considered to be quite important (like a first dance...). You even went off to eat wedding cake without your guests. That is your choice but it does seem fairly uncommon.

I am also rather surprised you put all of these into your order of the day. If somebody already feels snubbed that might just add insult to injury, unfortunately. "Oh, a private first look. How nice to inform us about an event we won´t get to witness. First dance? Ah, not for us either. Speeches and wedding cake in their wedding suite? How gracious to tell us that they´ll be eating separately".

It doesn´t seem particularly private either. I mean... why was it necessary to inform people about the first look? Or about private and intimate parts like the private speeches when you wanted them to be private aka without any other people present?

But the comments are still incredibly rude and your DH should put a stop to it. Or you will simply have to learn how to deal with them.

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AfterTheSummer · 17/01/2024 09:13

If I were told the bride and groom were retreating to the honeymoon suite to exchange vows in private, I’d assume “exchange vows in private” was code for a shag.

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itsgoodtobehome · 17/01/2024 09:15

Blimey. Both weddings sound a bit dramatic and intense. Nobody cried at my wedding, and we are still very happy 15 years later. What I strange thing to judge a wedding on - how much somebody sobbed??!!

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WristCandy · 17/01/2024 09:15

Oh dear god, the private events were in the order of service? I just can't... Would you not just pop off for a few minutes?

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SleepingStandingUp · 17/01/2024 09:16

I'd just answer factually

Omg I pity you, he didn't even cry when he saw you, you aren't even loved like I am. I'm so special.
Actually you weren't there the first time he saw me so you wouldn't know what he did.

Oh my gosh I just loved it how everyone stared at me in our coordinated couples dance, you must be wel jel no one stared at you.
Each to their own, I loved the intimacy of our first dance.

Ewww I wouldn't want a wedding like your wedding!
That's good, we're very different people so should have very different weddings.

Jeez do you even know how he feels about you if he didn't declaring it in rhyming couplets in front of a chanting audience of 500?
We don't need an audience to feel secure on our relationship.

Then change the subject.

"...the intimacy of our first dance. Anyway, how was your trip to the dentist last week?"

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80sMum · 17/01/2024 09:17

Good grief! Are bridegrooms expected to burst into tears upon the bride's entrance these days then? How very disconcerting!

I think if my DH had done that I would have been not only mortified with embarrassment on his behalf, but also very alarmed. I would have been walking down the aisle in trepidation, wondering what was going on and what on earth had prompted such an outburst.

Questions would have been buzzing around in my head. Did I look so bloody awful that he was regretting having agreed to marry me? Was he about to say that he couldn't go through with it? Or had somebody just died?

It would have spoiled my wedding, to be honest.

Nobody cried at my wedding, as far as I am aware! DH and I didn't make speeches to each other, either in private or in public. We had no first dance either. Nobody danced, as there was no music. The reception was a lunch, followed by a few speeches and a slice of cake! At the time, we had never even heard of the term "first dance".

None of these things matter!

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PastaPusher · 17/01/2024 09:17

I'm with you. I like the way you did things and I'd have hated the ostentatious displays of emotions. I'd have been mortified if my brother or dh had broken down sobbing. They sound super weird to me but to each their own. And that is the thing. They did things their way because they wanted to and you did things your way because you wanted to. It's good everyone got the wedding they wanted and there's no right or wrong. You don't have to justify your wedding to them and you don't have to prove to them how much your husband loves you, or any of the other nonsense. What is very wrong is making you feel bad for your choices but please don't let them make you feel bad about your wedding. It was perfect for you and your husband and it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks because it was your wedding.

Do tell them they are being rude and silly though.

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Unexpectedlysinglemum · 17/01/2024 09:21

Ask your husband to stop passing on their comments when you're this pregnant and any equivalent about you babies too if possible

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Toddlerteaplease · 17/01/2024 09:23

I didn't know 'first looks' was even a thing. You did what you wanted. Sod everyone else!

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HalebiHabibti · 17/01/2024 09:24

Maybe adopt various grey rock phrases?

"We were very happy with the way our day went."
"I was very happy with my wedding and wouldn't have changed it."
"Everyone is different, aren't they?"
"Oh well, never mind."

Keep the same set of boring statements on repeat and maybe they will get bored?!

When next sister gets married and people say "But didn't you want THAT for your wedding?", maybe vary it up with "We did have that - it was just private, which we were happy with."

They do sound like the epitome of 'pics or it didn't happen'!

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Goldbar31 · 17/01/2024 09:25

The way you did it sounds just perfect.
Comparison is the thief of joy and all that.

Your in-laws sound delightful.

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DancingInBigCircles · 17/01/2024 09:25

I think there is a fair amount of unspoken resentment underlying all this. The comments you describe are obviously not ok, but you know that, so ignore and concentrate on your pregnancy, and probably ask your husband to speak with them.

I do also think however if you have a wedding, rather than eloping, it is important to treat wedding guests well and include them in the day. People come to weddings because they want to share the experience, fun and celebration. If those elements are removed, people may feel excluded. It costs time and money to be a wedding guest, so I do think considering your guests is really important. Otherwise, why invite people? Eloping is the more obvious private choice.

I do think telling guests about sections of the wedding they were excluded from may also exacerbate this.

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Toddlerteaplease · 17/01/2024 09:28

As a PP said. If the groom was crying that much I'd be worried he was having second thoughts!

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Revelwithacause · 17/01/2024 09:30

They are just annoyed you didnt share those moments with them.

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Evaka · 17/01/2024 09:32

Your wedding has literally inspired me to get married OP. Partner and I like the idea but all the public emotional spaffing makes me feel so nauseous. Just not who we are. You guys nailed it. Good luck with baby and ignore your super basic in laws xx

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determinedtomakethiswork · 17/01/2024 09:33

I'm assuming you are from an Indian or Pakistani family, OP? You don't seem to have met before the wedding. It was pretty obvious that the actors were going to burst into tears no matter who appeared! It sounds like you had just the wedding that you wanted and you just have to keep repeating that.

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Evaka · 17/01/2024 09:34

AfterTheSummer · 17/01/2024 09:13

If I were told the bride and groom were retreating to the honeymoon suite to exchange vows in private, I’d assume “exchange vows in private” was code for a shag.

Dying!

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Dibilnik · 17/01/2024 09:35

Just tell them you and your DH don't really like each other that much, that's why your wedding was (apparently) so under-emotional. Then you can laugh about it in private 💗

Honestly, people like this are not worth wasting your energy on.

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diddl · 17/01/2024 09:35

they frequently argue in front of family

I think that that is awful behaviour.

 I know it’s normal to argue though 

Nope!

 My husband’s brother broke down sobbing and his reaction was beautiful. 

Sounds embarrassing to me!

Your husband's family sound very rude.

For all their show, at the end of the day, both weddings resulted in a legal marriage-neither one meaning more or less than the other!

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DappledThings · 17/01/2024 09:37

determinedtomakethiswork · 17/01/2024 09:33

I'm assuming you are from an Indian or Pakistani family, OP? You don't seem to have met before the wedding. It was pretty obvious that the actors were going to burst into tears no matter who appeared! It sounds like you had just the wedding that you wanted and you just have to keep repeating that.

There's nothing that suggests they hadn't met before the wedding. Not seeing each other on the day of the wedding until the ceremony is pretty standard for many cultures.

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Iwasafool · 17/01/2024 09:39

You had what you wanted so why worry about what they think? My wedding was much more low key than yours, 5 guests, lunch at a local restaurant who were lovely when they realised we'd just got married and quickly did some decorations on our table which they moved to be more private. I travelled with husband in his van, we didn't have lowers, no new dress for me or suit for him. We've been married for almost 40 years and that's the bit that matters.

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tennesseewhiskey1 · 17/01/2024 09:41

is this ‘private view’ a thing?! 🤔

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