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Wedding comparisons getting me down

210 replies

SP346 · 17/01/2024 07:07

I’m going to start by saying that I know I’m being unreasonable. I’m very pregnant and hormonal right now but I still need to get this off my chest.

I got married to my husband 2 years ago. We have an amazing marriage. We rarely argue, we get along great. We’re both quiet people and we keep our relationship private. We post photos together on social media and hold hands in public, but we don’t broadcast details about our marriage. For example, we sort any arguments out by talking through them together rather than by sharing it with others or letting it turn into shouting.

As we’re both quite quiet and shy people, we had a small wedding and we did a few non-traditional things to ease our anxieties. We’re in the UK where private first looks aren’t common but we had one and saw each other privately just before the ceremony. We both got very emotional with this, which meant neither of us cried during the actual ceremony as we got it out of our system early. We also had a private first dance with no audience, and we wrote a speech to each other, which we read to each other privately in our honeymoon suite with wedding cake and tea. These intimate moments were my absolute favourite part of our wedding and are memories we both cherish. We have no recordings of them but we don’t feel the need to. We still mixed with guests but those moments just the two of us were perfect.

My husbands brother got married in the summer and he and his wife could not be any more different than my husband and I. They both do acting as their careers and are very theatrical. We all know every detail of their marriage and they frequently argue in front of family. I know it’s normal to argue though and that every couple is different.

In their wedding, they saw each other for the first time in the ceremony. My husband’s brother broke down sobbing and his reaction was beautiful. They had a public first dance and shared their speeches about each other publicly too. This was all so lovely and I felt nothing but happiness for them.

Since their wedding has passed, however, my husband and I have received a lot of comments from his family. I’ve been told, ‘I bet you wish he cried when he saw you’. We’ve been questioned about why we didn’t do speeches or a dance, etc. My husband has a 26 year old sister who’s just got engaged and has openly said that she wants to be reacted to in the same way when she walks down the aisle, and she openly pities me, as does my MIL.

At the time I really didn’t care. I adore my husband and I know he adores me, and I wouldn’t change anything about our wedding or our marriage. It’s just started bothering me that our weddings are being compared so much. As nobody saw our intimate moments, his side of the family assume they just didn’t happen, and use that to state that my husband’s brother must love his wife more than my husband loves me.

im very much of the mindset that not every little thing needs to be shared publicly, and I wouldn’t change having the big wedding moments done privately for anything.

I know my husband adores me, and I know I’m being unreasonable and ridiculous and it’s my pregnancy hormones. And I feel ridiculous writing this. We just ignore the wedding comparisons and I didn’t care about them until I got further into my pregnancy.

Please tell me I’m being ridiculous, and please also share if you’ve experienced similar.

To add also, I’m not jealous of their wedding. I’d have dreaded doing a public first dance and speeches because of my anxiety and it would have spoiled my enjoyment of my wedding day

OP posts:
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Myglassishalffullish · 17/01/2024 08:23

Smile sweetly, say “comparison is the thief of joy” do a smug shrug 🤷🏼‍♀️ and change the subject ….. your celebrations sound perfect 👌🏻

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TraitorRoundTable · 17/01/2024 08:23

Is this a joke thread? You did things your way, albeit they sound slightly pretentious.
I work in this industry, I am at hundreds of weddings every year, the groom mostly cry out of accumulated wedding stress, family/bride demands and impending speech worries. Not because the bride has bowled them over, it’s usually relief it’s come to a head… or regret!

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user1492757084 · 17/01/2024 08:23

Say ..
Well if that's the type of wedding you want then I hope you two will have one just the same. (genuine smile)
Our wedding was perfect for us; we liked the privacy of our first greeting etc. We had the wedding of our dreams.
I don't want to share anything more about it because it's the privacy that we cherish. Everyone likes different things and it's great that you know what you want.

There is a chance that they are not thinking about your wedding as much as you think but are just expressing the way they want theirs. Could you be over sensitive?

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NonPlayerCharacter · 17/01/2024 08:23

I'm surprised anyone remembers. Most people don't store up huge detailed memories of any weddings but their own. I'd be flattered they remember and think about yours in so much depth.

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Lampzade · 17/01/2024 08:24

Both couples had the weddings they wanted.
End of. That is all you have to say Op

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HeadNorth · 17/01/2024 08:27

My husband is a Scotsman and not a chance in hell he would cry in public. 30 years happily married so no worries about the depth of his commitment and love.

Honestly, they did them, you did you. Don't let comparisons make you feel bad about your special day - who gives a shiny one what anyone else thinks? You know how you feel about each other.

And in the end, time alone is the measure of true love.

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lapsedrdwhoenthusiast · 17/01/2024 08:28

Given that everyone sounds insane, I think I would just quietly and understatedly reply with something outrageous.

"Yes, I think next time I get married I'm going to go with a scuba diving theme."

"Mmm, yes I'm going to book a lot of professional mourners for his funeral so we can make sure there's enough crying."

"Yes, a wedding is just one day though. DH cries every time we have sex."

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Thesearmsofmine · 17/01/2024 08:29

TygerPassant · 17/01/2024 08:13

In the nicest possible way, I think both couples sound insanely melodramatic and stagey. Yes, they did the crying, dancing and speechifying in front of other people, but you appear to have done exactly the same thing, just without witnesses, but having put them into your order of service, which is quite weird to me. Did it actually say

BRIDE AND GROOM HAVE A PRIVATE VIEW
BRIDE AND GROOM RETREAT TO HONEYMOON SUITE TO EXCHANGE SPEECHES PRIVATELY
BRIDE AND GROOM DO A PRIVATE FIRST DANCE

while the guests got politely restive in another part of the venue?

Yes, it all sounds a bit ridiculous. Nice if certain things happen naturally but very staged to plan it like that.

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ClairDeLaLune · 17/01/2024 08:31

They were a bit upset at first that we wanted those moments without an audience though so maybe it’s linked

Think you nailed it here OP. That’ll be why.

Your husband’s family sound ridiculous, and fake. They’re actors, they were putting on a performance. What you and your DH have is genuine and real and lovely. And will last.

Frankly if my husband had broken down sobbing I’d have vomited on the spot!

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BIossomtoes · 17/01/2024 08:33

TygerPassant · 17/01/2024 08:13

In the nicest possible way, I think both couples sound insanely melodramatic and stagey. Yes, they did the crying, dancing and speechifying in front of other people, but you appear to have done exactly the same thing, just without witnesses, but having put them into your order of service, which is quite weird to me. Did it actually say

BRIDE AND GROOM HAVE A PRIVATE VIEW
BRIDE AND GROOM RETREAT TO HONEYMOON SUITE TO EXCHANGE SPEECHES PRIVATELY
BRIDE AND GROOM DO A PRIVATE FIRST DANCE

while the guests got politely restive in another part of the venue?

I thought exactly the same. My eyes would roll out of my head at that order of service.

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AyeRightYeAre · 17/01/2024 08:33

Your wedding sounds much better. I'd much rather attend yours than those if your drama llama relatives.

I've never seen brides and grooms sobbing at weddings.

And gushy speeches should be kept private in my opinion.

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TheDogsMother · 17/01/2024 08:34

Your wedding sounds lovely and so do both of you. First looks and crying, seriously ? DH and I travelled to the venue together, just he and I then we walked in side by side, it was perfect.

I think you will need your say 'each to their own but our day was perfect to us'.

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DingDongDenny · 17/01/2024 08:35

I think this is typical of the difference between introverts and extroverts. Extroverts often think their way is the best and just because they're demonstrating their emotions they feel them more keenly than introverts.
Particularly with something like a wedding, which is a bit of a performance anyway

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Gettingcoldergettingolder · 17/01/2024 08:36

I completely understand that you feel your in laws are criticising your wedding/pitying you and that is annoying and frustrating and I would respond with similar suggested above, ‘would have hated that’ ‘x was perfect for us’. But on the whole don’t get swept up in the drama because this is a lot of drama over some weddings!

Ive got to be honest though I am slightly confused about all these ‘private’ moments you arranged, but I suppose i view weddings more along the lines of it being a fun afternoon/evening/party celebrating getting married with friends and families whereas the actual being married part is for the couple. I also think the grooms speech is the greatest bit of a wedding so as a guest I would have been sad not to have heard that!

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Lindy2 · 17/01/2024 08:36

Honestly, I can't even imagine having the time or energy for these type of conversations or comparisons.

Just ignore them OP.

Dramatic sobbing at a wedding doesn't mean that marriage is stronger than another. Quite the opposite in fact, in my experience.

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CunkEverywhereOnEverything · 17/01/2024 08:36

Your wedding day sounds like my kind of wedding- my partner and I don’t like being in the spotlight in any way and if we ever get married we agreed we’d elope.

As for sobbing when the groom sees the bride, I don’t think I’ve ever seen that at a wedding- seen reactions, lovely ones, but only crying groom I’ve seen is my friend who’s wedding was postponed 3 times, including due to the bride getting cancer and needing treatment.

When I think of a groom sobbing at his wedding I think of mark and Sophie on peep show, crying their eyes out saying their vows because neither wanted to go through with it 😬🤣

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laclochette · 17/01/2024 08:37

Sorry you're experiencing this - they sound totally insensitive and incapable of imagining that different people might like different things.

Great advice here along the lines of, "Our wedding was just the way we dreamed it would be and I hope SIL's is everything she dreams of too" - ideally followed by a big smile because isn't that a beautiful thing to be able to say?

I also am reminded of the saying, "it's not the wedding but the marriage that counts"...

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HairyQueenofSnots · 17/01/2024 08:37

You are being ridiculous.

A wedding is about the start of your life together - it should be exactly as you mean to go on and make you both happy. Yours sounds like it did that.

Last year I went to 2 family weddings:

  1. In a registry office, the bride and groom wore clothes they already had in the wardrobe, they made thie own cake, didn't really have flowers except a small posey the bride did herself, afterwards went to a nearby bistro for dinner and then on to a pub later. Relatively cheap (for a wedding!) and really relaxed.
  2. A massive weekend long affair in a country manor, whole estate rented out, big white dress, massive professional cake, fully catered, flowers, make up and hair and photos done professionally, bridesmaids - the whole deal. Extremely expensive.


Both suited the couples perfectly - the most important thing. Both were enjoyable and lovely to attend as a guest.

Neither was better than the other and certainly neither guarantees the couple a long, happy life together more than the other.
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Avacardo2023 · 17/01/2024 08:38

You had the wedding you wanted and were happy about it until now so don't give it a second thought.

I'm wondering why you had a wedding at all rather than just elope, if you are that shy and private? (This is what I did for the same reason).

For me the best parts of going to a wedding are the little things that show the couple's love for one another, and these include the groom's joy at the altar, the first dance, the speeches and all the other things that make me come away thinking that I've witnessed a true declaration of love. I generally find the majority of a wedding incredibly boring. It does seem a bit strange that you've invited people but cherry picked what you want them to see. Because you've done things this way your wedding will stick in their minds more than if you had done things traditionally.

But ultimately it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks and you will go back to not caring again after your pregnancy hormones have gone.

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AfterTheSummer · 17/01/2024 08:38

Both weddings sound ridiculously stagey to me, whether it’s the groom bursting into sobs or the couple having a pre-arranged “private view”. WTF- you’re the bride, not the Summer Exhibition.

You did things your way, they did them their way. Very odd of his family to draw comparisons and I’d just ignore.

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Toooldforthis36 · 17/01/2024 08:41

I’d much rather be you OP! The other wedding and its participants sound hideous!

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TygerPassant · 17/01/2024 08:42

DingDongDenny · 17/01/2024 08:35

I think this is typical of the difference between introverts and extroverts. Extroverts often think their way is the best and just because they're demonstrating their emotions they feel them more keenly than introverts.
Particularly with something like a wedding, which is a bit of a performance anyway

Yet again, a Mner who doesn’t understand introversion and extroversion. The OP says she’s ’quiet and shy’ — not the same thing at all as ‘introverted’.

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notmorezoom · 17/01/2024 08:43

Crying when you see your bride/groom isn't normal - it's pretentious attention seeking nonsense.

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NewFriendlyLadybird · 17/01/2024 08:44

Gah. Exaggerated public emoting. I’d pity them that they have to be so inauthentic.

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SgtJuneAckland · 17/01/2024 08:45

DH didn't cry when I walked down the aisle he had a huge goofy grin on his face. Tbh the only huge showy wedding I have been to with tears and elaborate vows etc lasted less than two years.
Next time just say oh yes theirs was lovely but the intimate moments between dh and I on the day were so precious I wouldn't change it for the world.

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