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Wedding comparisons getting me down

210 replies

SP346 · 17/01/2024 07:07

I’m going to start by saying that I know I’m being unreasonable. I’m very pregnant and hormonal right now but I still need to get this off my chest.

I got married to my husband 2 years ago. We have an amazing marriage. We rarely argue, we get along great. We’re both quiet people and we keep our relationship private. We post photos together on social media and hold hands in public, but we don’t broadcast details about our marriage. For example, we sort any arguments out by talking through them together rather than by sharing it with others or letting it turn into shouting.

As we’re both quite quiet and shy people, we had a small wedding and we did a few non-traditional things to ease our anxieties. We’re in the UK where private first looks aren’t common but we had one and saw each other privately just before the ceremony. We both got very emotional with this, which meant neither of us cried during the actual ceremony as we got it out of our system early. We also had a private first dance with no audience, and we wrote a speech to each other, which we read to each other privately in our honeymoon suite with wedding cake and tea. These intimate moments were my absolute favourite part of our wedding and are memories we both cherish. We have no recordings of them but we don’t feel the need to. We still mixed with guests but those moments just the two of us were perfect.

My husbands brother got married in the summer and he and his wife could not be any more different than my husband and I. They both do acting as their careers and are very theatrical. We all know every detail of their marriage and they frequently argue in front of family. I know it’s normal to argue though and that every couple is different.

In their wedding, they saw each other for the first time in the ceremony. My husband’s brother broke down sobbing and his reaction was beautiful. They had a public first dance and shared their speeches about each other publicly too. This was all so lovely and I felt nothing but happiness for them.

Since their wedding has passed, however, my husband and I have received a lot of comments from his family. I’ve been told, ‘I bet you wish he cried when he saw you’. We’ve been questioned about why we didn’t do speeches or a dance, etc. My husband has a 26 year old sister who’s just got engaged and has openly said that she wants to be reacted to in the same way when she walks down the aisle, and she openly pities me, as does my MIL.

At the time I really didn’t care. I adore my husband and I know he adores me, and I wouldn’t change anything about our wedding or our marriage. It’s just started bothering me that our weddings are being compared so much. As nobody saw our intimate moments, his side of the family assume they just didn’t happen, and use that to state that my husband’s brother must love his wife more than my husband loves me.

im very much of the mindset that not every little thing needs to be shared publicly, and I wouldn’t change having the big wedding moments done privately for anything.

I know my husband adores me, and I know I’m being unreasonable and ridiculous and it’s my pregnancy hormones. And I feel ridiculous writing this. We just ignore the wedding comparisons and I didn’t care about them until I got further into my pregnancy.

Please tell me I’m being ridiculous, and please also share if you’ve experienced similar.

To add also, I’m not jealous of their wedding. I’d have dreaded doing a public first dance and speeches because of my anxiety and it would have spoiled my enjoyment of my wedding day

OP posts:
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TomeTome · 17/01/2024 07:50

Some people like a thing of itself and some like it in comparison to others. I would say you liked your marriage and wedding for itself but are being sucked in to only seeing it in comparison to your BIL and SIL’s wedding. You are obviously very different people and wanted very different experiences. Neither is intrinsically better or more than the other. How much BIL loves SIL etc etc isn’t really relevant to your relationship. Are you going to engage with this comparison mindset through your pregnancies and births and all the following life experiences?

smile and nod and ignore

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Ap24 · 17/01/2024 07:50

Unfortunately bigger is seen as better. We had a low key and small wedding. I have had a few comments and questions about the costs involved, I think a few people assumed we did things that way due to a lack of money.

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ThePerfectDog · 17/01/2024 07:54

A previous poster’s suggestion of ‘oh no I’d have hated that’ is perfect. (Yours sounds much more my cup of tea)

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Lollypop701 · 17/01/2024 07:54

To family… I’m so glad we each got the wedding we dreamt of. I hope sil does too. Rinse and repeat.

my dh if 25 yrs started laughing every time he looked at me.. nerves are weird. I thought it was funny. A tear or 2, ok but If he’d sobbed I would have taken him aside for a chat….

Imo think your in laws like a performance wedding- probably in line with their personality, and you mentioned acting, which is fine but not for everyone.

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donteatthedaisies0 · 17/01/2024 07:56

I find nothing more repulsive than people being openly showy , I mean why do people show off for attention . If I feel someone is behaving in a way they wouldn't in private then it turns me off them .I hate it , it's all so fake and look at me .
You wedding sounds lovely and genuine and it suited you .

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sashh · 17/01/2024 07:58

Just be honest. If your husband had cried when you walked down the aisle you would have been mortified.

You had the wedding you wanted.

More importantly you have the marriage you want.

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WimpoleHat · 17/01/2024 07:59

My husband’s brother broke down sobbing

If I saw that happen at a wedding, I’d be anxious that he was about to jilt the bride at the altar….! Your in-laws sound utterly ridiculous.

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Spencer0220 · 17/01/2024 08:01

TealSapphire · 17/01/2024 07:20

IME these couples who have the big showy wedding do not last.

This. My husband's family were horrified by the tiny wedding we had, complete with jeans, casual clothing and trainers. But it was so us.

Honestly the people who compared have the issue. A wedding doesn't a good marriage make. Be happy you are winning at marriage.

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TheSandgroper · 17/01/2024 08:02

Time to practice your parenting skills.

Find a very short, pithy phrase.

Say it firmly. Leave no room for discussion. And that’s it.

”That wasn’t for us”. “I’ll leave them to it”. “We liked ours”. Or even “Why?” AND NO MORE.

If you invite discussion and comment, you will get it so don’t invite it.

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Namechangenamechange321 · 17/01/2024 08:04

LoudSnoringDog · 17/01/2024 07:20

With respect. Your husbands family sound histrionic and unbearable.

talk about being dramatic

This. And you and your DH sound calm and lovely abd well matched. These people wouldn’t be commenting and trying to make you feel bad if they weren’t insecure in some way. Try to see past whatever nonsense they’re spouting and feel proud that you and DH had the strength of mind and true inner confidence to do it your own way

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loadedchips · 17/01/2024 08:06

Ahhh the joys of hormones! Aren't they fun.... but

Just say

'It was our day and we did it our way'


It sounds amazing to be honest Op. What special memories you both have.

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duckpancakes · 17/01/2024 08:07

There's no need to put down their wedding just because it wasn't your way though. You don't seem to be doing that in your post but it's something to be mindful of, that you aren't rolling your eyes at their wedding.

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WishesPromises · 17/01/2024 08:08

Their opinions really don't matter because they don't know about the meaningful private moments you had.

I think your wedding sounds perfect. It's about a union not putting on a show for others.

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WandaWonder · 17/01/2024 08:10

Nothing they can say can change your wedding so really why on earth does it matter?

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Didimum · 17/01/2024 08:11

Your in laws don’t sound very nice. My experience:

Brother in law earnestly sobbed when my sister came down the aisle = developed a cocaine habit, financial instability and cheated on my sister for 5yrs. Divorced.

My husband didn’t shed a tear = happily married 10 years, took 6 months solo parental leave to bring up our twins.

Aside from that, if you’re a private person, you’re not going to cry in public. It has nothing to do with emotion.

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Sunnysideupagain · 17/01/2024 08:12

Have never seen a groom sobbing!

been to countless weddings- sometimes people get a bit emotional. Most of the time, they don’t!

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TygerPassant · 17/01/2024 08:13

In the nicest possible way, I think both couples sound insanely melodramatic and stagey. Yes, they did the crying, dancing and speechifying in front of other people, but you appear to have done exactly the same thing, just without witnesses, but having put them into your order of service, which is quite weird to me. Did it actually say

BRIDE AND GROOM HAVE A PRIVATE VIEW
BRIDE AND GROOM RETREAT TO HONEYMOON SUITE TO EXCHANGE SPEECHES PRIVATELY
BRIDE AND GROOM DO A PRIVATE FIRST DANCE

while the guests got politely restive in another part of the venue?

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CoffeeMachineNewbie · 17/01/2024 08:14

I don't think I would be very classy, I think I would say something a bit spiteful like "DH did cry, you just didnt see it".

But, i say this very gently, you had the wedding you wanted which meant that they missed the emotional parts, so in their mind, they just didnt happen. You sort of kept the most special parts for yourselves (which is absolutely your choice) and usually people have weddings with guests to share those moments of joy.

Perhaps you can tactfully just keep turning the conversation with the same stock phrase so after a few times they pick up on it. Maybe something like "maybe but let's just focus on Xs wedding, it's their moment so let's not compare".

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Whataretheodds · 17/01/2024 08:15

his side of the family assume they just didn’t happen, and use that to state that my husband’s brother must love his wife more than my husband loves me.

Did they actually say that? They sound batshit tbh.

Agree with all PP who say don't let it stress you, any time they mention it say. "What a weird comment. We loved our wedding, including the bits that were just the two of us" and then change the subject.

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Winterday1991 · 17/01/2024 08:16

You all sound very toxic to be honest.

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DappledThings · 17/01/2024 08:17

TygerPassant · 17/01/2024 08:13

In the nicest possible way, I think both couples sound insanely melodramatic and stagey. Yes, they did the crying, dancing and speechifying in front of other people, but you appear to have done exactly the same thing, just without witnesses, but having put them into your order of service, which is quite weird to me. Did it actually say

BRIDE AND GROOM HAVE A PRIVATE VIEW
BRIDE AND GROOM RETREAT TO HONEYMOON SUITE TO EXCHANGE SPEECHES PRIVATELY
BRIDE AND GROOM DO A PRIVATE FIRST DANCE

while the guests got politely restive in another part of the venue?

I was wondering about that. They might be annoyed you've made such a big thing about the standard public bits of a wedding being private to the extent of announcing when you're doing them. It's a bit having your cake and eating it.

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Definitelylivedin · 17/01/2024 08:17

Look forwards not backwards. You had a lovely wedding, but now you have other exciting things to come.

Once your baby is born no-one is going to be talking about a wedding that was 2 years ago. The marriage and your new family is what is important.

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TheSandgroper · 17/01/2024 08:19

Now King Frederik wept as Mary walked up the aisle.

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mondaytosunday · 17/01/2024 08:20

Jeez if my husband cried when he saw me it would be totally out of character ! As it seems it is with your husband.
Afraid the comparisons will continue now you are going to have a baby. It is inevitable that one baby walks before another or says a first word - people seem to take it as some indication of future ability! It's nonsense. But you'll need to grow a thick skin to deal with it.

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BibbityBobbety · 17/01/2024 08:21

duckpancakes · 17/01/2024 08:07

There's no need to put down their wedding just because it wasn't your way though. You don't seem to be doing that in your post but it's something to be mindful of, that you aren't rolling your eyes at their wedding.

This! The post seems odd as you're being snide about their wedding, and creating a post where you know people will bash them online. Which is as dramatic and petty as you say they're being....if all they've done is pass a few thoughtless comments and you're genuinely happy with your wedding/marriage, why does it matter what they think?

You're different people who like different things. If your in-laws are being tactless, just tell them you were very happy with how you did things.

I'm eloping and it's never even occurred to me to compare myself to other weddings and if anyone did, I'm happy to explain that big dos are not for us. I'd be careful with the thinking that big showy weddings are in any way inferior or don't last as if that were true no traditional Indian/Greek/Middle Eastern/Italian etc wedding would last. Everyone is different and their weddings hopefully represent this.

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