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Wedding comparisons getting me down

210 replies

SP346 · 17/01/2024 07:07

I’m going to start by saying that I know I’m being unreasonable. I’m very pregnant and hormonal right now but I still need to get this off my chest.

I got married to my husband 2 years ago. We have an amazing marriage. We rarely argue, we get along great. We’re both quiet people and we keep our relationship private. We post photos together on social media and hold hands in public, but we don’t broadcast details about our marriage. For example, we sort any arguments out by talking through them together rather than by sharing it with others or letting it turn into shouting.

As we’re both quite quiet and shy people, we had a small wedding and we did a few non-traditional things to ease our anxieties. We’re in the UK where private first looks aren’t common but we had one and saw each other privately just before the ceremony. We both got very emotional with this, which meant neither of us cried during the actual ceremony as we got it out of our system early. We also had a private first dance with no audience, and we wrote a speech to each other, which we read to each other privately in our honeymoon suite with wedding cake and tea. These intimate moments were my absolute favourite part of our wedding and are memories we both cherish. We have no recordings of them but we don’t feel the need to. We still mixed with guests but those moments just the two of us were perfect.

My husbands brother got married in the summer and he and his wife could not be any more different than my husband and I. They both do acting as their careers and are very theatrical. We all know every detail of their marriage and they frequently argue in front of family. I know it’s normal to argue though and that every couple is different.

In their wedding, they saw each other for the first time in the ceremony. My husband’s brother broke down sobbing and his reaction was beautiful. They had a public first dance and shared their speeches about each other publicly too. This was all so lovely and I felt nothing but happiness for them.

Since their wedding has passed, however, my husband and I have received a lot of comments from his family. I’ve been told, ‘I bet you wish he cried when he saw you’. We’ve been questioned about why we didn’t do speeches or a dance, etc. My husband has a 26 year old sister who’s just got engaged and has openly said that she wants to be reacted to in the same way when she walks down the aisle, and she openly pities me, as does my MIL.

At the time I really didn’t care. I adore my husband and I know he adores me, and I wouldn’t change anything about our wedding or our marriage. It’s just started bothering me that our weddings are being compared so much. As nobody saw our intimate moments, his side of the family assume they just didn’t happen, and use that to state that my husband’s brother must love his wife more than my husband loves me.

im very much of the mindset that not every little thing needs to be shared publicly, and I wouldn’t change having the big wedding moments done privately for anything.

I know my husband adores me, and I know I’m being unreasonable and ridiculous and it’s my pregnancy hormones. And I feel ridiculous writing this. We just ignore the wedding comparisons and I didn’t care about them until I got further into my pregnancy.

Please tell me I’m being ridiculous, and please also share if you’ve experienced similar.

To add also, I’m not jealous of their wedding. I’d have dreaded doing a public first dance and speeches because of my anxiety and it would have spoiled my enjoyment of my wedding day

OP posts:
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BIossomtoes · 17/01/2024 09:44

tennesseewhiskey1 · 17/01/2024 09:41

is this ‘private view’ a thing?! 🤔

No. I’d never heard of it before this thread and I’ve been to weddings that had some very odd elements.

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DappledThings · 17/01/2024 09:47

tennesseewhiskey1 · 17/01/2024 09:41

is this ‘private view’ a thing?! 🤔

I think it's an American thing. I've seen various US wedding reality shows where the couple meet before the ceremony for photos of their first look.

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itsanewera · 17/01/2024 09:47

Your wedding sounds perfect! I've been to a lot of big weddings ( mine included) and I don't think I've never seen any bride or grooms cry! They all have perfectly happy marriages!

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MayMore · 17/01/2024 09:49

I think the whole wedding difference thing is a red herring.

Your in-laws sound immature and quite toxic - even if your wedding was 'in their style' this would've leaked through somewhere. Saying the things they said to you isn't the behaviour of well balanced secure people. Pity them and their immaturity OP, it almost certainly won't be the last of the jellyfish comments.

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Workawayxx · 17/01/2024 09:49

Myglassishalffullish · 17/01/2024 08:23

Smile sweetly, say “comparison is the thief of joy” do a smug shrug 🤷🏼‍♀️ and change the subject ….. your celebrations sound perfect 👌🏻

This is a great idea. Do this every single time in exactly the same way and they should get the message that their stupid comparisons are getting boring.

Alternatively, if someone keeps on with the same boring shit, I just start going "mmhhmmm..." when they start on and basically ignore them. Grey rock, grey rock, grey rock. Takes the wind out of their sails when they get no reaction!

I do feel for you and don't think you are being unreasonable at all. It's really rude of them to make these comparisons. Suggesting your DH loves you less because he reacted differently to you coming down the aisle? That's just really unkind (and ridiculous). Just keep remembering it's more to do with them than you or what is actually true. My mum has married lots and lots of couples and has seen every reaction possible! I'm 100% sure she would say that the reaction or any aspect of the day is not indicative in any way of how much in love the couple are or how compatible they are, it's just different personalities reacting differently to a very emotional and often stressful situation.

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NoWayRose · 17/01/2024 09:49

“I bet you wish he cried…” This comment is nuts! It says everything about the sayer and nothing about you

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RootVegAndMash · 17/01/2024 09:50

I can't think of much that would put me off more than if dh had 'broke down sobbing' as I walked down the aisle 😬 Is that really a desirable reaction?!?

I remember dh looking proud and happy and smiling at me, which was perfect.

If anyone told me it was a shame dh hadn't cried I'd laugh at them tbh.

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garlictwist · 17/01/2024 09:51

We are planning our wedding. We are not having a first dance, I am not having a hen do and my dad isn't doing a speech. This is all my preference because I am a low key person and don't want loads of fuss on me. My sister keeps telling me I will regret it if I don't "do it properly" but I disagree entirely. Your wedding day sounds lovely and what it should be - an intimate expression of love between two people.

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MediumDwarf · 17/01/2024 09:52

Same!

I did everything I wanted cost no object, for 60 people. I’d have been happy with 40, but our parents wanted to invite wider family.

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TygerPassant · 17/01/2024 09:54

BIossomtoes · 17/01/2024 09:44

No. I’d never heard of it before this thread and I’ve been to weddings that had some very odd elements.

I must say I’m enjoying the insights into things other people clearly consider normal.

The bride and groom continually retreating to do things ‘privately’, but announcing it in the order of service anyway, sounds a bit like exclusive clubs that then have roped-off VIP areas ordinary people aren’t allowed into.

The weeping, overcome grooms who go to pieces at the sight of the bride in a wedding dress always remind me of the bit in When Harry Met Sally when Sally is watching her friend Marie try on her wedding dress. She’s zoned out, eating sweets and talking about her own relationship woes, and it’s only when Marie actually draws her attention to the dress, which she’s been wearing for the whole scene, that Sally sits up, realises she’s supposed to be moved and admiring, puts on a pious expression and says ‘Oh, MARIE!’

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PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 17/01/2024 10:02

tennesseewhiskey1 · 17/01/2024 09:41

is this ‘private view’ a thing?! 🤔

Private first look? Yes.
In an "anglo context" I´ve mostly heard of it on instagram.
But where I´m from it´s normal for the bride and groom to enter the church together. The first look therefore won´t take place in the church (or wedding venue).
The first look generally takes place infront of the church (and after the guests have already entered) or wherever the bride and groom decided to meet up. It is very lovely in my personal opinion.

last summer I was at a wedding where the bride and the groom arrived at the church together and then made sure that all family members (most of them from abroad...) had found the church, had found a seat, were comfortable etc.

It was quite lovely and I wouldn´t be surprised if they had previously had a private first look.

BUT that wasn´t something they announced or put on their wedding program. Which makes sense, seeing as the programs were primarily there to inform the guests / contained information about the day relevant to us guests.
Putting private first look on the order of the day would make about as much sense as "bridal makeup and hair"... But OP may have wanted it on there for personal reasons / have the programs as a wedding keepsake or similar.

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Avatartar · 17/01/2024 10:03

You are being hormonal, don’t listen to others. I’ve been to heaps of weddings both my family and friends and not to close on other side of family & Dh’s mates. I’ve never seen any bride or groom breakdown at first sight of their partner, it’s just not a thing. Top tip when you do have this baby, stick with your gut instincts and don’t be letting others’ advice ( and sounds like there may be a lot of other voices) mess with your head. Easier said than done, but don’t let people wrap you up in knots about how to care for DC. Have a trusted family member and perhaps a friend, a mums group if you can get out and your health visitor, midwife and GP. There’s heaps of invisible support on MN too. Good luck with baby

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SerafinasGoose · 17/01/2024 10:03

tennesseewhiskey1 · 17/01/2024 09:41

is this ‘private view’ a thing?! 🤔

To me 'private first dance' sounds as though B&G have gone off for a quick shag and 'private view' conjures up images of funeral parlours.

Nowt so queer as a Mumsnet wedding ...

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determinedtomakethiswork · 17/01/2024 10:05

She states that they hadn't met before the wedding. She's obviously from a culture where that is normal, perhaps an arranged marriage.

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DappledThings · 17/01/2024 10:07

determinedtomakethiswork · 17/01/2024 10:05

She states that they hadn't met before the wedding. She's obviously from a culture where that is normal, perhaps an arranged marriage.

No she doesn't

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TygerPassant · 17/01/2024 10:08

determinedtomakethiswork · 17/01/2024 10:05

She states that they hadn't met before the wedding. She's obviously from a culture where that is normal, perhaps an arranged marriage.

No, she said they had a ‘private first view’ — ie they saw each other in their wedding clothes before the ceremony, not just in the church/venue/walking up the aisle.

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Rangelife · 17/01/2024 10:09

One of my closest friends wedding was two weeks before ours this summer just gone. Nobody has ever made any comparisons or snide comments about either wedding because we have decent family and friends who know that's not a very pleasant thing to engage in. I can't even imagine thinking about this stuff. As a PP said, it says more about the people saying this stuff revealing that they are being weirdos OP. People just take themselves so seriously, it's a period in a day that lasts less than 12 hours, it's not a grand production ffs. It is only people wanting to make some cold, hard cash for their business who sell it as the 'most important day of your life'.

DH is not great with expressing his emotions at all but surprised me by getting tearful at some words I had written, I just thought 'That's nice, I must be a good writer' but in the scheme of things it is not a measure of anything, it isn't a signifier that he has a greater love for me than other husbands. If people think it does signify some greater meaning then they don't have a great grasp of human behaviour and that people change Hmm

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ToffeeCrumble · 17/01/2024 10:15

If my dh had broken down sobbing when he saw me I'd have worried he'd got cold feet tbh

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DeeLusional · 17/01/2024 10:16

Maybe BIL burst into tears because he hated the sight of his bride, if that was the first time he saw her.

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swayingpalmtree · 17/01/2024 10:17

Quite honestly, I think this is what is wrong with our society- we are all so obsessed with showing and proving our love on social media but whats actually happening behind closed doors? I know multiple couples who make a huge extravagant show on social media about their love for each other- romantic poses on exotic holidays etc and I know for a fact they are on the verge of splitting up (or one of them has cheated etc). Obviously, I am not saying its wrong to show pics on SM but I think too many of us have bought into this idea that we need other people's validation and approval for something to be "real". Its almost become like, unless we took photos to show to others, it didnt happen!

Being happy in your marriage is enough and its totally fine that you are private- it doesnt make your relationship any less than someone who chooses to spill it all over their instagram reel. I would just ignore the comments from others- their opinion doesnt matter and really, all it shows is- they think everything on SM in public is 100% genuine and a true reflection of reality which is not only stupid, its incredibly naive.

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oldsprouts · 17/01/2024 10:17

Personally I don't like weddings, its the marriage that is important not the wedding. DH and I had a very quite wedding, we did have a church ceremony but a private one with immediate family only, then a meal at a favourite restaurant and then home. I don't compare weddings except to think how one goes on for too long compared to another.

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BardRelic · 17/01/2024 10:22

A wedding doesn't a good marriage make.

When they start, I would either say this or 'we wanted a marriage, not just a wedding' and then smile sweetly. Do that every single time and don't be drawn on what it means.

They won't like it, and should stop playing silly buggers. If they continue, just keep going with that mantra, knowing that it's annoying them and that that's funny.

I'm not a particularly nice person though.

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oldsprouts · 17/01/2024 10:24

"My husband’s brother broke down sobbing and his reaction was beautiful"

Never seen this at any wedding, thank goodness, doesn't sound like a common response for men or women in the UK. Odd and could as easily show nerves or regret as anything else.

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cardibach · 17/01/2024 10:29

The person I feel sorry for is the sister's fiancé who has been told he needs to sob...

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Wheresthebeach · 17/01/2024 10:31

Tell them straight that they are being rude, or just say ' I loved our wedding, bizarre that doesn't live up to your standards but please stop criticising our choices and our wonderful day'. Then move onto 'oh do stop with the endless criticism' with the final stage being 'oh button it' with an eye roll if you like.

If DH had cried when he saw me I would have been muttering 'get a fucking grip' under my breath.

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