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AIBU?

Wedding comparisons getting me down

210 replies

SP346 · 17/01/2024 07:07

I’m going to start by saying that I know I’m being unreasonable. I’m very pregnant and hormonal right now but I still need to get this off my chest.

I got married to my husband 2 years ago. We have an amazing marriage. We rarely argue, we get along great. We’re both quiet people and we keep our relationship private. We post photos together on social media and hold hands in public, but we don’t broadcast details about our marriage. For example, we sort any arguments out by talking through them together rather than by sharing it with others or letting it turn into shouting.

As we’re both quite quiet and shy people, we had a small wedding and we did a few non-traditional things to ease our anxieties. We’re in the UK where private first looks aren’t common but we had one and saw each other privately just before the ceremony. We both got very emotional with this, which meant neither of us cried during the actual ceremony as we got it out of our system early. We also had a private first dance with no audience, and we wrote a speech to each other, which we read to each other privately in our honeymoon suite with wedding cake and tea. These intimate moments were my absolute favourite part of our wedding and are memories we both cherish. We have no recordings of them but we don’t feel the need to. We still mixed with guests but those moments just the two of us were perfect.

My husbands brother got married in the summer and he and his wife could not be any more different than my husband and I. They both do acting as their careers and are very theatrical. We all know every detail of their marriage and they frequently argue in front of family. I know it’s normal to argue though and that every couple is different.

In their wedding, they saw each other for the first time in the ceremony. My husband’s brother broke down sobbing and his reaction was beautiful. They had a public first dance and shared their speeches about each other publicly too. This was all so lovely and I felt nothing but happiness for them.

Since their wedding has passed, however, my husband and I have received a lot of comments from his family. I’ve been told, ‘I bet you wish he cried when he saw you’. We’ve been questioned about why we didn’t do speeches or a dance, etc. My husband has a 26 year old sister who’s just got engaged and has openly said that she wants to be reacted to in the same way when she walks down the aisle, and she openly pities me, as does my MIL.

At the time I really didn’t care. I adore my husband and I know he adores me, and I wouldn’t change anything about our wedding or our marriage. It’s just started bothering me that our weddings are being compared so much. As nobody saw our intimate moments, his side of the family assume they just didn’t happen, and use that to state that my husband’s brother must love his wife more than my husband loves me.

im very much of the mindset that not every little thing needs to be shared publicly, and I wouldn’t change having the big wedding moments done privately for anything.

I know my husband adores me, and I know I’m being unreasonable and ridiculous and it’s my pregnancy hormones. And I feel ridiculous writing this. We just ignore the wedding comparisons and I didn’t care about them until I got further into my pregnancy.

Please tell me I’m being ridiculous, and please also share if you’ve experienced similar.

To add also, I’m not jealous of their wedding. I’d have dreaded doing a public first dance and speeches because of my anxiety and it would have spoiled my enjoyment of my wedding day

OP posts:
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Cailin66 · 17/01/2024 08:46

TheSandgroper · 17/01/2024 08:19

Now King Frederik wept as Mary walked up the aisle.

Well isn't he now more famous for a blond in Spain, which is why his mother has abdicated the throne to try and patch up his marriage with Mary. Mary didn't look a bit happy yesterday.

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Pollyannamex · 17/01/2024 08:49

The most important thing here is how you feel about your husband. Ignore the others!

we got ready together on our wedding day, we also said our ‘vows’ privately on our honeymoon and we didn’t dance at all. I wouldn’t change it for the world and I don’t care what anyone else things.

just tell them the truth when they comment - your wedding was perfect for you both and you wouldn’t change a thing

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StragglyTinsel · 17/01/2024 08:49

Your BIL and SIL are professional actors. Why on earth is your BIL’s performance as groom so overwhelmed by adoration and joy that he sobs being held up as the standard.

do your in laws tend to believe that what they see on film, tv and instagram is real?

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Mazuslongtoenail · 17/01/2024 08:50

Each to their own but if DH cried when he saw me it would give me the ick.

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MaidOfSteel · 17/01/2024 08:51

Your wedding sounds absolutely wonderful.

Keep a few stock phrases in mind for when they start on at you. And don't be afraid to say them.

I'll never understand this need for everything to be so performed nowadays. It's like they're trying hard to convince themselves of something.

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WristCandy · 17/01/2024 08:52

Your in laws sound absolutely awful. But as they are his family, how is your DH responding to these comments? Especially the one about BIL in tears?

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derxa · 17/01/2024 08:53

Both weddings sound awful

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Dalriadanland · 17/01/2024 08:53

I think the guests at your wedding probably felt excluded and this is how it's coming out.

Not unreasonable at all to have those private moments but I wouldn't have publicised that they were happening.

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CuriousGeorge80 · 17/01/2024 08:55

Just reply each time with “I couldn’t imagine anything worse”, which it sounds like is true and they need to hear.

I am the same as you and got married with four people there and no family as I would have hated anything different. We read our vows to each other in advance so we could react in private. But everyone understands that about me and nobody is as rude as the people you mention, who sound bizarre and unpleasant.

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CuriousGeorge80 · 17/01/2024 08:56

By the way, I don’t think I have ever been to a wedding where the groom cried when he saw the bride. That is certainly not standard!

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Frangipanyoul8r · 17/01/2024 08:57

You really need to get a thicker skin. I had a tiny small wedding and couldn’t give 2 shits what other people thought I should have done. Absolute zero tears on the day either. There’s nothing that gives me the ick more than OTT sentimental emotion.

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PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 17/01/2024 08:58

As nobody saw our intimate moments, his side of the family assume they just didn’t happen, and use that to state that my husband’s brother must love his wife more than my husband loves me.

That is incredibly rude and cruel!!
Whether they saw these moments - and even if these moments had never happened - doesn´t matter. Nobody has the right to say these things to you and your DH.

This is however your DH´s family. And he should have put a stop to it as soon as it began! It´s completely unacceptable.

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NotMyFirstChoiceofName · 17/01/2024 08:58

This is my advice @SP346

Tell you husband that you are unhappy with all these negative comments about your wedding and that HE needs to speak to his family and tell them to stop.

If they don’t stop then start seeing less and less of them. Because if they still go on doing it, they are trying to hurt you deliberately, which makes them nasty toxic people that you don’t need in your life . And your certainly don’t need them in your children’s lives ( assuming that you plan to have them ).

Let’s be kind and assume that right now they are doing it through thoughtlessness / bad manners . If they continue, you know it’s unkindness.

I suggest that you DONT speak to them yourself - his family, his issue to sort.

I also suggest that you DONT retort in the same way with “ I would have hated that “ comments. Id say neutral comments such as

” it’s just as well we are all different isn’t it”
“ Wouldn't life be boring if we all liked the same thing”
” John and I were very happy with our wedding day, I hope you enjoy yours as much as we did “

and refuse to engage in the petty comparison game, just excuse yourself from the conversation.

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Avacardo2023 · 17/01/2024 08:58

CuriousGeorge80 · 17/01/2024 08:56

By the way, I don’t think I have ever been to a wedding where the groom cried when he saw the bride. That is certainly not standard!

I wonder if this is a regional thing as I've honestly never been to a wedding where the groom didn't shed a tear at the altar. Not usually openly sobbing but certainly dabbing their eyes.

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Previousreligion · 17/01/2024 09:00

I would assume questions about first dance etc were just curious rather than judgey and answer truthfully - "oh, we did a private one which was fantastic, we would not have liked it in front of a big audience".

I only know one groom who cried and he wasn't sobbing. More silent tears. My husband didn't even look at me as I came down the aisle! In my experience, if you have a fixed idea of how a moment should be, you'll probably be disappointed. I think your SIL is in danger of being disappointed if her fi doesn't cry, something she has no control over.

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Cuppachuchu · 17/01/2024 09:00

Myglassishalffullish · 17/01/2024 08:23

Smile sweetly, say “comparison is the thief of joy” do a smug shrug 🤷🏼‍♀️ and change the subject ….. your celebrations sound perfect 👌🏻

This. Don't give it another thought OP. You have happiness and a baby on the way.

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AnnieRegent · 17/01/2024 09:00

The style of your wedding is quite unusual for mainstream UK weddings. It sounds like your in-laws have discussed this at length and have their opinions, and all that’s happening is that the more recent wedding is working as a conduit for them to express those options again but with a new flavour. E.g. they say “bet you’re jealous” but what they mean is “your wedding was weird”. They are being rude and thoughtless and should keep a lid on it.

They may also be expressing some anxiety that you’re never going to let them see the baby.

If as you say you are shy and socially anxious, I would practice a few polite but firm shut downs so that you’re ready the next time this comes up. Lots to choose from in this thread!

Also, sobbing grooms are very unusual, and I’ve only seen it on American instagrams. The other women stating that that’s what they want may be disappointed!

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Hobbesmanc · 17/01/2024 09:01

Yours sounds like it was perfect for you but I can't help feeling the tone when you describe the other wedding and the personalities is a little bit sniffy and judgey. You describe them as theatrical for example.

Best just to remember your amazing day and let others enjoy theirs too. Don't Let the family comments get to you

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duckpancakes · 17/01/2024 09:01

ClairDeLaLune · 17/01/2024 08:31

They were a bit upset at first that we wanted those moments without an audience though so maybe it’s linked

Think you nailed it here OP. That’ll be why.

Your husband’s family sound ridiculous, and fake. They’re actors, they were putting on a performance. What you and your DH have is genuine and real and lovely. And will last.

Frankly if my husband had broken down sobbing I’d have vomited on the spot!

There's really no need to be nasty about the other couple's wedding though. They had the wedding they wanted. Neither is the better wedding.

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Jk8 · 17/01/2024 09:01

To all the people slagging off men/the brother In law for crying - did you not read that OP & her husband did it aswell (just in private beforehand rather than during the ceromony) ?!?

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NonPlayerCharacter · 17/01/2024 09:01

TygerPassant · 17/01/2024 08:13

In the nicest possible way, I think both couples sound insanely melodramatic and stagey. Yes, they did the crying, dancing and speechifying in front of other people, but you appear to have done exactly the same thing, just without witnesses, but having put them into your order of service, which is quite weird to me. Did it actually say

BRIDE AND GROOM HAVE A PRIVATE VIEW
BRIDE AND GROOM RETREAT TO HONEYMOON SUITE TO EXCHANGE SPEECHES PRIVATELY
BRIDE AND GROOM DO A PRIVATE FIRST DANCE

while the guests got politely restive in another part of the venue?

Heh, have to say I agree. Completely understand wanting private moments, but why bother inviting the guests only to pointedly exclude them from key moments and let them know about it? Performative privacy...

The reactions you're getting now may be people letting you know how that made them feel.

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LightDrizzle · 17/01/2024 09:02

After your update it’s obvious that they are punishing you for excluding them from moments in the day they wanted to share. They feel snubbed. I can understand to a degree but their reaction suggests they aren’t very nice and you can expect more of the same.

You’ve been given some great phrases to use when they start up and I’d resort to them every time. Some families have a weird pride in a family culture and identity that is very developed, like a military academy or a company, with its own ethos, set traditions and ways of doing things, they find people who don’t go along with it very threatening. I’ve known some people like that even refer to their family in the third person: “Fergusons always ….” Your in-laws might not be that extreme but it sounds like they are quite rigid in their expectations and your husband is letting the side down. You too now. They have a shy and quiet son and an outgoing one. You’d hope they could embrace both. Your baby might be like you, or it might be born doing jazz hands and destined for a life in the limelight. As a parent it’s our job to help our child thrive according to their own little personalities, not pummel them into a little mini-me.

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Jk8 · 17/01/2024 09:04

NonPlayerCharacter · 17/01/2024 09:01

Heh, have to say I agree. Completely understand wanting private moments, but why bother inviting the guests only to pointedly exclude them from key moments and let them know about it? Performative privacy...

The reactions you're getting now may be people letting you know how that made them feel.

Alot of mumsnetters would rather stand bored in a venue without the bride & groom then face any sort of public displays of emotions though.

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purplesky18 · 17/01/2024 09:05

If it’s any consolation my husband forgot to turn around as I was walking down the aisle because he was too nervous so I just appeared next to him. Let it wash over you OP. We had a very budget church and hall reception and it was perfect for us, we previously went to a grand hugeeeee money wedding before that ended in a brawl and police.

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NonPlayerCharacter · 17/01/2024 09:05

Jk8 · 17/01/2024 09:04

Alot of mumsnetters would rather stand bored in a venue without the bride & groom then face any sort of public displays of emotions though.

Well that's their problem for accepting the invitation if they can't go with good grace.

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