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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to cancel completely because of this?

159 replies

Blomdd · 13/01/2024 16:52

Was due to go on a date on Friday eve. He cancelled Friday morning because he was offered a shift at work and couldn't turn it down. Gave me plenty of notice and said we can meet up next weekend instead.

For some reason I just really don't want to go now. Was really excited and looking forward to it and suddenly, just not interested. I'm not annoyed or upset, just a bit meh.

There were a few things that bothered me a bit: he can't drive, lives an hour away (mainly this) but it wasn't a deal breaker as he seems nice.

Met on OLD.

AIBU to just sack it off?

OP posts:
Fionaville · 13/01/2024 19:19

Nah, sack it off. He doesn't sound like much of a catch. Being able to drive is a must for me.

NonPlayerCharacter · 13/01/2024 19:21

Can't drive and can't afford to miss an unplanned work shift at a time when he'd already arranged to meet you (so he couldn't afford to go on the date then?). I'd be put off too.

I think the issue here is that after making plans, arranging childcare and so on, he's cancelled for a not very good reason - he'd already planned to meet you at this time so how can he not afford not to work then? - and it's killed the momentum. You need to strike while the iron's hot, not while it's lukewarm.

Nonomono · 13/01/2024 19:22

If you’ve got a date planned then I’d still go, simply because you were excited a couple of days ago.

The fact he doesn’t drive wouldn’t bother me.
The fact he lives an hour away wouldn’t bother me.
But both together, would add an extra challenge but I’d probably give it the benefit of the doubt just once and just see how you get on on the date.

If you don’t want to go, then don’t go.
But if you’ve got nothing better to do then you’ve got nothing to lose by going and then you’ll know for certain how you feel.

samestyle · 13/01/2024 19:27

He's not that bothered about the date, he could of made up another shift a different day, also the hour away and doesn't drive means you'd be the one travelling over to him all the time, it's a blessing it's a non starter.

GothConversionTherapy · 13/01/2024 19:28

I would think he's not that interested and maybe had a better offer.

Snowdogsmitten · 13/01/2024 19:31

Men who can’t drive are just very off-putting to me. They’d feel too…dependent? And that ain’t sexy.

moomoomoo27 · 13/01/2024 19:32

If you didn't care you wouldn't have posted this thread, so you obviously do. You just feel disappointed because you were looking forward to something that's now been cancelled, which is completely normal, and your disinterest is your way of dealing with it - pushing away to protect yourself.

CoffeeMachineNewbie · 13/01/2024 19:37

Feeling meh about hom now is your gut indicating your heart not to be it anymore.

NonPlayerCharacter · 13/01/2024 19:37

Snowdogsmitten · 13/01/2024 19:31

Men who can’t drive are just very off-putting to me. They’d feel too…dependent? And that ain’t sexy.

Would feel helpless to me and I'm not attracted to that.

I couldn't be dealing with always having to do all the driving. Fine to split it, but never ever being picked up and taken somewhere and dropped off? Always having to be the one who doesn't drink? Always having to be the one to do errands and drop offs?

I know there are plenty of women in fabulous relationships with non drivers. That's great for them. Not for me.

Zanatdy · 13/01/2024 19:38

45 miles away I’d definitely reconsider. The last guy I dated lived half of that and it took 45 mins in traffic in the car; and if he doesn’t drive it’s just not going to work. Not unless you’re doing the running, and if you’ve got a 5yr old and having to get childcare and he needs to take last minute shifts for the money - it’s just not worth it.

Zanatdy · 13/01/2024 19:39

Snowdogsmitten · 13/01/2024 19:31

Men who can’t drive are just very off-putting to me. They’d feel too…dependent? And that ain’t sexy.

Same, as my friends husbands who don’t drive don’t because they can’t be arsed and they are happy for their wife’s to do all the driving the kids around. They don’t learn as they don’t want the aggro. So yeah puts me right off too

Justcallmebebes · 13/01/2024 19:55

Cosyblankets · 13/01/2024 17:34

45 miles and doesn't drive?
Next !

This. I live rurally and would not date someone who doesn't drive. Its a basic adult life skill and a grown man who doesn't drive is a massive deal breaker, for me anyway

NewYear24 · 13/01/2024 19:57

It’s not looking good for my adult DS’s who don’t drive to get a partner. It’s a shame as they are lovely kind lads.

Original poster
Blomdd · 13/01/2024 20:10

NewYear24 · 13/01/2024 19:57

It’s not looking good for my adult DS’s who don’t drive to get a partner. It’s a shame as they are lovely kind lads.

Are they in their late 30s though?

OP posts:
InShockHusbandLeaving · 13/01/2024 20:22

NewYear24 · 13/01/2024 19:57

It’s not looking good for my adult DS’s who don’t drive to get a partner. It’s a shame as they are lovely kind lads.

Can I ask why they don’t drive?

OP I’d feel the same as you and not bother with this one. He sounds flakey and, in my experience, when someone lets you down once they’ll do it again. At the start of a potential relationship, putting in zero effort is a poor showing.

coodawoodashooda · 13/01/2024 20:23

Holidayhell22 · 13/01/2024 17:07

An hour away is quite far for someone who can’t drive. Couple that with the fact you have a young child and it would be a no from me.
Him working extra hours would not bother me though.

Yip

FrancisSeaton · 13/01/2024 20:25

Fuck it off
You have my permission

CLola24 · 13/01/2024 20:32

That's not judgemental of you. What about your money? Dates cost a lot more for people in situations like yours. You'd already arranged for and perhaps paid for childcare. You probably also already invested in deciding on outfit, travel, location etc. Dating can take a lot out of you! And anyway, you want to feel like a priority and he's gone and done the exact opposite. Don't feel bad for your response to him passing you over. It sounds like you've learnt your worth.

Original poster
Blomdd · 13/01/2024 20:38

Anyone fancy helping me word a text to explain I'm not interested anymore? I want to be kind regardless of him letting me down. Need to take into consideration that we've been talking for a couple of weeks so have got to know each other a little (though in a relatively minor surface level way). I'm not good at this stuff. Help!

OP posts:
PersephonePomegranate23 · 13/01/2024 20:39

No judgement on the not driving or needing the over time, but your circumstances are obviously mismatched. It's probably a realisation of this that's put you off.

jhy · 13/01/2024 20:43

Maybe you were just excited about the thought of a date and a night out. Rather than because it was him?
Or now that you've had longer to think about him, deep down you weren't overly keen anyway?
People change their minds all the time, for no apparent reason, it's not a bad thing. But you do need to be honest with him

LonginesPrime · 13/01/2024 20:57

Was due to go on a date on Friday eve. He cancelled Friday morning...Gave me plenty of notice and said we can meet up next weekend instead.

But he didn't give you plenty of notice, did he? He cancelled on the day you were due to meet after you'd arranged childcare. And then he presumed you're free next weekend to meet him when it suits him better.

I can absolutely see why you're not feeling it any more, OP, and I wouldn't give it too much thought (and he clearly hasn't, so there's no need to feel bad).

Personally I would just say that you can't do next weekend anyway and that realistically your lifestyles probably aren't compatible at the moment, so it was nice chatting, all the best, etc.

i don’t think you owe any more explanation than that given that he cancelled on you at the last minute and you haven't even met in person yet - just tell him thanks but no, and move on.

MiIz · 13/01/2024 20:58

Blomdd · 13/01/2024 20:38

Anyone fancy helping me word a text to explain I'm not interested anymore? I want to be kind regardless of him letting me down. Need to take into consideration that we've been talking for a couple of weeks so have got to know each other a little (though in a relatively minor surface level way). I'm not good at this stuff. Help!

"Hi, really sorry to land this on you but I'm going to bow out and concentrate on me and my DC. So sorry, hope you understand. Its been nice chatting with you and I wish you luck in the future."

End of the day he let you get all excited, arrange childcare and then drop you. It's not the actions of someone thoughtful, so don't put too much thought into your message.

beatrix1234 · 13/01/2024 21:18

"Hi, sorry but I had to arrange childcare for this date and that costed me money, so getting dumped last minute for another shift was rude. I'm going to bow out on this one. Good luck"

He was not kind to you, why should you?

IVbumble · 13/01/2024 21:26

There's no need for you to say sorry at all & equally no need to be unkind.

Maybe the power of silence is better.