to cancel completely because of this?

[Blomdd]

Was due to go on a date on Friday eve. He cancelled Friday morning because he was offered a shift at work and couldn't turn it down. Gave me plenty of notice and said we can meet up next weekend instead.

For some reason I just really don't want to go now. Was really excited and looking forward to it and suddenly, just not interested. I'm not annoyed or upset, just a bit meh.

There were a few things that bothered me a bit: he can't drive, lives an hour away (mainly this) but it wasn't a deal breaker as he seems nice.

Met on OLD.

AIBU to just sack it off?

This is what I'd think too.

Does he have children himself? I'm guessing he doesn't because it can take a lot to organise childcare, especially if you're a single mum and don't have family, around.

I think there's too much against him and even meeting to get to know him sounds like you'd need to be really keen to make the effort.

Distance
Not driving (considering the distance)
Not thoughtful enough to consider you'd made childcare plans OR too skint to refuse shift regardless

When I met DH we lived about 50 miles apart but we both drove and were childless so had plenty of time to travel, meet and get to know each other, and of course when it moved out, we could move easily. In fact we both moved - I moved for a job, then he followed me.

Listen to your instincts.
Sack him off.

Honestly I wouldn't like this. Just knock yhe whole thing on the head. You can do so much better.

Quite a sad, cynical view - in the current climate there are plenty of people on the breadline that need any extra shifts offered.

I'd see it as a good work ethic rather than a bad thing!

I think if you can't put your finger on why your feelings have changed, then it's your instincts telling you something is off. Did you sense that he wasn't telling the truth about the extra shift? Also, the bit about him needing the money would put me off. How long before he is cadging a loan?

Actually for me him being a non-driver would have been a non-starter right off the bat. I'd never date a man who couldn't drive. But I live in a 'car culture' where not driving is actually considered 'weird' unless there's a medical reason.

Same here

He's flaky. Next!

Doesn't drive, lives an hour away, is skint, lacks empathy (he knows you had hired child care yet he decided to dump you last minute? WTF) and is unreliable. I would bin this one. He might get offered another shift in the next date. Red flags galore.

I wouldn't want to date a grown man who was so skint he had to take whatever shifts were on offer!

So objectively he:
Is a bit broke
Not very reliable
Doesn't drive
Lives an inconvenient distance away
And
Not particularly thoughtful about childcare issues.

This ^

I wouldn’t date someone who doesn’t drive as you always end up chauffeuring them around once you’re in a relationship. I broke this rule once to go on a date with a guy I really liked and at the end of the date he announced that I could pick him up next time. No thanks.

And other posters always jump on these posts saying they don’t drive and they don’t expect be chauffeured. I never believe them, because when you love someone, you want to support each other and help make your lives easier. Especially when you both live far enough apart that you have to take more than one mode of transport to meet up.

It’s not judgemental thinking, it’s just practical. Sounds like you’ve already made up your mind about this guy OP.

You’ve lost interest. That’s fine! There’s no need for justifications. You’ve realized that you’re not really interested, so put an end to it.

If he posted saying the same as you, my advice would be the same. If he knows he’s not interested then he’d be a dick to reschedule and let you make more childcare arrangements, miss out on other potential plans, and spend money on transport and a date because you were under the impression that both of you are interested when he knew that wasn’t true any longer.

That's what I'm doing. We haven't arranged another date. I'm sounding things out on here as I genuinely wasn't sure. It's helped.

Always trust your instinct.

The not driving would have put me off right at the start!

See, I was going to say give him another chance. Then I remember my OLD days. I deliberately only met people local/convenient. I figured that a distance would slow down the getting to know you stage, and to advance it someone might need to move nearer to or in with the other, without knowing if it would work out. So, although we never know if it will work out, if someone is localish, not a saga to meet up with, you get to know them more quickly, and you have more 'evidence' for if you want to progress to living together or whatever. Information you don't have as much of if they are further away and only seeing them once or twice a week compared to maybe 3 x or something if they were local. Having been bitten by marriage this sort of thing before, I wanted more info to make decisions on.
Anyhoo, that meant, if you aren't feeling it, don't do it.

When I was a younger, slimmer, more optimistic young thing, I would've given him a chance. But now I'm older, fatter, wiser, divorced and remarried, and it isn't my first rodeo I've seen a few of these things go wrong. Saddest was someone local who met someone in Australia, online. The other party came to live here, they had children, got divorced, and now the children are in Australia, so parents don't see them much at all. I'm divorced with a DD myself, but the distances meant it was easier for her knobhead of a father to see her. I realise this is an extreme example, but much smaller geographical distances still cause ishoos that local ones don't re travelling logistics.

There's also the possibility he's put you on the back burner having set up a date with someone else instead. Ditch.

If I was having doubts before even going on
a date then I’d blow them out.

Listen to your feelings, they are there for a reason.

This whole 'instincts' thing has made me remember a guy I dated long ago. I was in my late twenties and met someone I wasn't sure about. He was perfectly lovely but we didn't have chemistry and he was very involved in a number of things which made me feel inadequate (obviously that was my issue not his).

I remember I ALWAYS had a drink before meeting him in order to relax enough in his company. I can only imagine what he must have thought when I arrived to the cinema or wherever it was, smelling of alcohol!

And nope it didn't work out. We met for a couple of months and it fizzled out thankfully because I'd have turned into an alcoholic!

So agree with the other posters. Listen to your instincts!

Regardless of this missed date, I think the fact he can't drive and lives 45 miles away means that you'd have to straight into him coming to yours and staying over. I'd want someone who could go home afterwards, if I had children in the house. I think it rushes the relationship, tbh. Someone in the same position who lived half a mile away might be different and worth taking a chance on.

He's showing you who he is, without you having to meet him for the date.

To him, the opportunity to get to know you was less important than the money from an extra shift at work. The inconvenience to you of him cancelling at relatively short notice wasn't enough of a concern to outweigh the benefits to him of doing the shift.

That level of thoughtlessness and laxk of consideration for others would be really unattractive to me. And in combination with him being a non-driver living 45 miles away from you, he's not sounding like someone I'd be particularly excited about meeting.

The combination of factors would put me off. I met my OH OLD and we are 40 miles apart..make it work, it’s been over a year (our’s was a ‘we can’t find anyone local so we increased your search parameters’ connection). But we both drive and we generally take it in turns to travel to each other’s homes. Not ideal situation with the distance but we are both busy in the week, both single parents so we have pretty much EOW together and have met up with the kids in between a few times.
My experience with OLD was that if they cancelled before a first date they weren’t really interested and weren’t worth pursuing. The fact that he hasn’t actually suggested another date would make me 🤔 too.
Also if he does shifts presumably he won’t have as much free time as most? I did shifts when I started OLD this time around and it was difficult to fit in dates when I worked the weekends.
I’d trust your gut on this one. Too much work early on, especially if you’re a single parent.