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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to cancel completely because of this?

159 replies

Blomdd · 13/01/2024 16:52

Was due to go on a date on Friday eve. He cancelled Friday morning because he was offered a shift at work and couldn't turn it down. Gave me plenty of notice and said we can meet up next weekend instead.

For some reason I just really don't want to go now. Was really excited and looking forward to it and suddenly, just not interested. I'm not annoyed or upset, just a bit meh.

There were a few things that bothered me a bit: he can't drive, lives an hour away (mainly this) but it wasn't a deal breaker as he seems nice.

Met on OLD.

AIBU to just sack it off?

OP posts:
OutFromUnderYou · 13/01/2024 17:32

45 miles! You must be kidding.

Forget him and find someone who is at least logistically viable.

C1N1C · 13/01/2024 17:33

Our house was like this... last minute viewing, in a place we weren't sure about... in the end we just showed up not expecting much and fell in love with it...

Cosyblankets · 13/01/2024 17:34

45 miles and doesn't drive?
Next !

Original poster
Blomdd · 13/01/2024 17:35

C1N1C · 13/01/2024 17:33

Our house was like this... last minute viewing, in a place we weren't sure about... in the end we just showed up not expecting much and fell in love with it...

Wrong thread?

OP posts:
MissMelanieH · 13/01/2024 17:35

So objectively he:
Is a bit broke
Not very reliable
Doesn't drive
Lives an inconvenient distance away
And
Not particularly thoughtful about childcare issues.

None of these are crime of the century if you like somebody but collectively it's not exactly shouting "catch of the year!" Is it?
Which is why you feel a bit deflated.

I think I would probably arrange a quick curiosity meet to check there wasn't mind blowing chemistry but I don't blame you at all for wanting to move on.

Original poster
Blomdd · 13/01/2024 17:36

MissMelanieH · 13/01/2024 17:35

So objectively he:
Is a bit broke
Not very reliable
Doesn't drive
Lives an inconvenient distance away
And
Not particularly thoughtful about childcare issues.

None of these are crime of the century if you like somebody but collectively it's not exactly shouting "catch of the year!" Is it?
Which is why you feel a bit deflated.

I think I would probably arrange a quick curiosity meet to check there wasn't mind blowing chemistry but I don't blame you at all for wanting to move on.

I think you hit the nail on the head. Apart from I feel the opposite about the chemistry. I don't really want mind blowing chemistry to cause me to ignore the practicalities. I kinda want both.

OP posts:
Smineusername · 13/01/2024 17:39

He cancelled your first date for an avoidable reason so yeah, I would bin him off

C1N1C · 13/01/2024 17:40

Blomdd · 13/01/2024 17:35

Wrong thread?

Show quote history

Metaphor.

I'm saying that, yes, the excitement of meeting may have gone, but he could still be the one.

My partner sounds a bit like you... if something changes, regardless of how small, it takes the wind out of the sails and my partner gives up.
I'm the opposite. A bit of traffic may make the journey a bit crap, but the destination could still be amazing.

Original poster
Blomdd · 13/01/2024 17:42

C1N1C · 13/01/2024 17:40

Metaphor.

I'm saying that, yes, the excitement of meeting may have gone, but he could still be the one.

My partner sounds a bit like you... if something changes, regardless of how small, it takes the wind out of the sails and my partner gives up.
I'm the opposite. A bit of traffic may make the journey a bit crap, but the destination could still be amazing.

Show quote history

I dunno this all sounds a bit Fairytale-esque. No offence, I just don't think you can really compare a man and a house. I don't think I'm giving up, possibly just giving more thought to the things that maybe should have been deal breakers in the first instance.

OP posts:
BenjaminBunnyRabbit · 13/01/2024 17:42

Trust your gut. It's telling you something!

MissMelanieH · 13/01/2024 17:42

I think you hit the nail on the head. Apart from I feel the opposite about the chemistry. I don't really want mind blowing chemistry to cause me to ignore the practicalities. I kinda want both.

In that case I think that's fair enough then, chalk it down to experience and move on!

SoFineOkay · 13/01/2024 17:48

He could be trying to find women with low self-esteem. To cancel the same day is an old test to see if you will accept a role where his needs come first. Follow your gut and keep him at a distance. Not as a game but if he suggests dinner, do coffee or lunch instead and make sure to tell him you have plans after. If he cancels again, it will not mean as much to you. If he makes an effort to impress you in the daytime during a date that will not lead to romance, he was telling the truth. But only see him again if you feel like it. You don't owe him your company.

HowToSaveAWife · 13/01/2024 17:51

Can't drive, lives 45 miles away, not great financially and sacked you off for a shift when you'd already arranged childcare?

Goodbye & good luck, thanks for wasting my time!

Throw him back FGS.

LadyLapsang · 13/01/2024 17:51

Had you had to make a special arrangement for childcare or was this a night your child would have been elsewhere anyway? If you had made a special arrangement and he knew, then I think that would be a no as he is inconsiderate, prioritising the opportunity to earn more over your time; different if there had been an emergency etc.

EauNeu · 13/01/2024 17:51

next!

AGoingConcern · 13/01/2024 17:51

Yes, cancel completely. Don’t waste his time or energy.

Original poster
Blomdd · 13/01/2024 17:58

AGoingConcern · 13/01/2024 17:51

Yes, cancel completely. Don’t waste his time or energy.

Erm, OK.

OP posts:
Yozzer87 · 13/01/2024 17:59

I'd maybe give him one more chance if you liked him initially. Early on into dating though he should be impressing you, he should prioritise work if he's short of money. If you're still put off after seeing him again or he messes you about again, then just move on.

PinkEasterbunny · 13/01/2024 18:03

Cosyblankets · 13/01/2024 17:34

45 miles and doesn't drive?
Next !

Agree! I wouldn’t date a man who didn’t drive, even if he lived across the road!

Alittlebitwary · 13/01/2024 18:06

I totally get it and I'd feel the same. Even though he's given you plenty of notice, he's essentially chosen work over the date with you. He could have said no to the shift as he already has plans. Knowing you had childcare arranged too - I actually think it's pretty shitty. He's a time waster in my opinion.

PinkEasterbunny · 13/01/2024 18:08

He could be trying to find women with low self-esteem. To cancel the same day is an old test to see if you will accept a role where his needs come first.

@SoFineOkay do people seriously do this??? Sounds a bit grim

bombardelli · 13/01/2024 18:11

Blomdd · 13/01/2024 17:05

It's not just the not being able to drive. It's him being an hour away and being in a different city, which makes it a bit difficult when you're the only one who can drive. It would be three buses and a train to my house for instance.

Show quote history

Yikes, do not become the one who always drives to him or picks him up.

If you do see him again, let him get the bus on his turn.

AcrossthePond55 · 13/01/2024 18:16

@Blomdd

I wouldn't really have a problem with a 'first date' saying they wanted to work an extra shift because they need the money. That could be anything from keeping the bailiffs from the door to putting a priority on socking money away for a down on a house/flat. The former would defo have me running, the latter might make think that he has his priorities straight. I'd probably agree to rearranging, but I'd certainly keep my eyes open for someone who either a spendthrift or a miser.

The not driving and the distance apart would classify him as what we used to refer to back in my day as 'GU', Geographically Undesirable. Since he doesn't drive the chances are the relationship would end up with you driving to his place 99% of the time, because it's 'so much easier for you to drive' than for him to catch 3 buses and a train to yours. And chances are you'd be expected to drive everywhere when you were together. That wouldn't work for me at all.

Actually for me him being a non-driver would have been a non-starter right off the bat. I'd never date a man who couldn't drive. But I live in a 'car culture' where not driving is actually considered 'weird' unless there's a medical reason.

percypigletss · 13/01/2024 18:18

With online dating I think you do have go in with energy and enthuasism otherwise you'll never meet anyone @Blomdd

I have felt utterly like I couldn't be bothered on the day of going on dates but actually had a great time

If he's otherwise nice - was apologetic, has been considerate in planning the date etc, personally I'd just take the risk and go

EveryOtherNameTaken · 13/01/2024 18:19

I think it's just the moment has passed.

If think with old, there is a natural peak to meet which just recedes after a while and you cba.

Keep chatting and see what happens for the week.

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