Are my expectations too high?

[jackinthebox75]

Long story short I am someone who is very romantic and my love language is little gifts and surprises. My boyfriend’s is quality time.

I spoke to him the other day about how I felt a bit forgotten about - I love flowers and little notes etc but often when I bring these up he’ll do it once and never again. He said with the notes he never has the chance (he does) and with flowers he’s been worried about money.

Anyway yesterday he offers to cook dinner, so goes to the shop. He was over an hour. Because we only chatted the other day, I thought maybe he was buying flowers for our dinner, but he didn’t at all.

I can’t help but think he doesn’t do these things because he doesn’t want to and he’s not romantic which makes me sad. I always see things like “if he wanted to he would”.

An I being a spoilt brat?

If your love life is influenced through tiktok. You need to grow up.

You cannot instruct this, it is irrelevant that you have brought it up, it is not him.

I am imagining if my husband told me that he loves finding romantic notes from me and then expected me to write and hide notes for him to find. Well the note writing is not me, it wouldn't occur to me, it isn’t natural to me. If I felt I had to do it because he told me he liked it, it would feel like a chore to me and I would hate img under that pressure.

It's great that you recognise you have different ways of expressing love but I think you're missing the point which is to 1. Identify your love language and 2. Speak it.

So the point for you would be to recognise that your boyfriend does NOT do flowers or notes; it isn't to try to force him to speak another language 🤔

Buy yourself flowers. He is clear that his thing is quality time so it would be a lot more sensible if you could make the most of that rather than hoping he'll change. (Because he won't. Alert ⚠️ People don't change)

Write yourself notes and cc him in.

If he went out to shop and cook you dinner I would say that’s a least a bit of effort (providing he wasn’t asking you exactly what you wanted to be cooked) So he took the mental load off you? If my DH did that I’d be pretty pleased. My DH used to buy flowers every week, when we were first seeing each other and it was getting to be a waste of money it didn’t feel special anymore. I told him it would be more special if it was once in a blue moon with a quality bunch. The notes perhaps he doesn’t know what to write? Or feels awkward does he send you nice text messages? Compliment you in person?

He went out shopping to organise cooking a meal for you. Upon his return, you moan that he hasn't also bought you flowers. If I were him, your prescriptive neediness would put me right off and I would leave you for someone who appreciates the efforts I do make.

I hope the "75" in your name isn't your birth year...because "I see girls on TikTok getting flowers" would become a little disturbing if you're nearly 50!

@Mikimoto I thought the same!

I personally don’t compare to TikTok. I’d buy my own flowers and maybe hint for special occasions?
It’s nice he’s cooking you a special dinner?

🤣🤣🤣

Romance and love doesn’t have to be flowers and notes. Look at the other things he does for you.

My DH scraped my windscreen yesterday before he left for work, that’s the gestures that count.

Also get off TikTok ffs, that’s not real life by any stretch of the imagination

You sound a bit grabby and like you need to grow up, stuff isn’t romance. He’s told you he’s worried about money, yet you haven’t taken that on board at all?

tiktok isn’t reality.

100%

Tiktok is spawning a generation of needy narcissists

This is where social media is awful for making ordinary people feel inadequate and/or unloved. It's all for show of course...the tik tok with the flowers, notes and set up room doesn't show the row they had last week or the fact that she's a whiney cow while he's a selfish pig.
I think social media is actually really psychologically damaging to us.

Needy! You know he’s not got much money yet you’re demanding constant flowers…. Diva alert.

So in short...unless he's a flowers and love notes kind of guy, your expectations are too high. It's someone else you want.
Bear in mind that the showy ones are often the shallow ones.

Is he poor/low income? He says he can't afford flowers. If this is true, you shouldn't expect them.

It all sounds horribly immature and needy.

Poor guy! Leave him alone. If I told my DH I wanted him to leave me romantic notes, he'd piss himself laughing!

I'm sure you are much younger than me referring to TikTok, but agree with others don't compare yourself to social media. It's fake and toxic! From my experience, the people posting the most gushy stuff on there are the unhappiest for various reasons.

TikTok is not reality! He will not be buying you flowers because you demand them as a romantic gesture. But, one day, he may just surprise you and then it will be worth more to you.

Your post reminded me of my niece who wants a lot of ‘grand gestures’ from her husband. The ‘999 huge bouquet of roses’, petals on the bed etc, etc. Cheesy stuff that she can film and show off on her account to make her friends jealous. I feel so sorry for her decent husband. Her TikTok dreams are the source of a lot of their arguments.

First of all: get off TikTok. And stop comparing yourself to people online.

you must be aware that people will only share (online) what they will want you to see.

anyhow: you need to communicate with your boyfriend and explain your needs (and the importance of having those met). You can’t just expect him know these things and he may not realise how much they matter (to you).

and you probably ought to consider whether you could live without flowers and come to appreciate home cooked meals as a romantic gesture.

Clearly this just isn’t for you as you just aren’t for him.

Mine lies in ‘my’ spot to warm it up before I get into bed! I’d rather have that thoughtfulness than a bunch of flowers any day!

I recommend you read the love languages book by Gary Chapman. It would help you to understand a lot. Maybe get him to read it too.