Are my expectations too high?

[jackinthebox75]

Long story short I am someone who is very romantic and my love language is little gifts and surprises. My boyfriend’s is quality time.

I spoke to him the other day about how I felt a bit forgotten about - I love flowers and little notes etc but often when I bring these up he’ll do it once and never again. He said with the notes he never has the chance (he does) and with flowers he’s been worried about money.

Anyway yesterday he offers to cook dinner, so goes to the shop. He was over an hour. Because we only chatted the other day, I thought maybe he was buying flowers for our dinner, but he didn’t at all.

I can’t help but think he doesn’t do these things because he doesn’t want to and he’s not romantic which makes me sad. I always see things like “if he wanted to he would”.

An I being a spoilt brat?

Buy your own flowers ,no disappointment then

How limiting to dictate how you want someone to show their "love".

Big gestures don't necessarily mean much, particularly if they are prompted.

Everyday actions are FAR more important.

I don't think your expectations are too high but they are misplaced. Telling your partner to buy you flowers is a bit like your French teacher giving you a list of vocab you don't have the inclination to learn. Any romance arising from such an instruction can't be authentic and therefore is no part of a love language.

In any event love isn't about flowers and buying flowers isn't an indication that love will endure.

My DH (35 years in) doesn't buy me flowers, but he'll bring me up a cup of tea before he leaves for work in a minute. He also kisses me good night and tells me he loves me before we go to sleep and again when he wakes up every day. He isn't openly romantic, he doesn't cook, he doesn't share the domestic load but he is loyal, kind, hard working and intellectually stimulating.

Also op, and I think this is relevant, he wasn't brought up by parents who understood the joy of giving and we are all the product of our parents and I think it's important to understand that when establishing long term relationships.

I buy my own flowers/perfume/jewellery when I want it. I have flowers every single day, in the half acre garden he has provided and which we love and nurture and make sure something is flowering all year.

In my experience, men only buy flowers when they are feeling guilty of something!
Not a romantic thing to get a guilt gift!

I see, you want a romantic robot you can program to bring you flowers and write little notes, so you can then swoon and say "Ooh, how romantic!"

I'm sure the Japanese have one on the market.

I see, you want a romantic robot you can program to bring you flowers and write little notes, so you can then swoon and say "Ooh, how romantic!"

And then post it on TikTok of course, gotta get that stranger validation

I'm not sure this love languages stuff is very helpful. I think it's something some women get hung up on as proof their partner doesn't do enough, like here.

Do you focus on his love language? Does he use that to show how he feels - does he spend quality time with you? That's more important I think, that the person is showing love in the way they know how.

And maybe stop looking on tiktok at home "amazing" other people's relationships aren't.

If social media trends change and people start posting about how their boyfriends really love them because they go out get dinner and cook it.

I wonder if all of a sudden Ops ‘love language’ would change.

Social media algorithms and trends are not a love language. Though I actually think the who concept of love languages has been misinterpreted and getting used by people to insist a relationship should just be the way they want.

Not a criticism - I'm guessing you are quite young if you're on Tiktok? It's not real!

You can't make someone write you little notes and buy you flowers if that's not what they do. People show love in a number of ways.

You'll need to consider whether you accept him for who he is or move on. Tbh, I'm not sure how realistic it is to expect regular gifts and notes in a long term relationship when the honeymoon period is over. Someone might come along on here and say it is. My DH shows he loves me in different ways every day.

The problem with TikTok and other short short reel media is that there's a lot of content that takes bigger ideas and principles, turns it into something over staged for the likes, and leaves the content consumers unsatisfied with their lives.

Whilst everyone has some preferences, there's a danger that someone obsessing about what their love language is sets them up to miss all the positive qualities in the relationship because "I told you my love language is gifts. Why don't you just get me gifts when I've told you that's what I like?" and then they go through life regularly getting excited and hopeful because DP has gone out, and then upset and disappointed that on return there wasn't a present.

If you feel strongly that you need a partner who will buy you gifts then you might be better looking for a partner who does that more naturally. Feeling you need to nag a partner to buy you enough presents isn't going to create romance.

Love what @AcrossthePond55 said!

My late DF was romantic in the way that you describe, flowers and love notes etc. But he was also angry, emotionally explosive and most of the time we walked on eggshells around him. My P is rubbish at gifts and 'romance' but is calm, solid and reliable... a different kind of love, but one I wouldn't change.

I don't think so. I think in all relationships you have to compromise, but if this is a deal breaker for you then that's ok. It's worse people who compromise and then years down the track they actually were dealbreakers. Better to think about these things upfront!

No men in my family are naturally romantic, and neither would I pressure hubby to be

Firstly, get off social media because it’s not real and basing your real
life on it is always going to end in disappointment.

I am like your DP and would find it very very difficult to do the things you want doing.
I would absolutely try but without you being specific, I would find it difficult to change my mindset and think like you do.

You cannot change who he is as a person and you need to know that his mind works completely different to yours but he does also need to make an effort after you’ve discussed it with him.

I think he is going to struggle to be spontaneous, as it’s just not him.

So perhaps you could compromise and ask him to surprise you with something such as flowers or chocolate etc whenever he does the weekly shop.
So the actual present will be a surprise to you but you’re also giving him that guidance.

I think expecting him to leave you notes is a step too far though.
I wouldn’t do this for my bf.

Yes. It was written by a Baptist preacher who has been milking the concept ever since (The Five Languages of Apology! The Five Love Languages — Singles Edition! The Five Love Languages of Our Children! The Five Languages of Appreciation in the Workplace!) and it has no evidence base. It’s like taking childcare advice from an episode of Supernanny.

If your love languages don’t match and he or you can’t compromise then it will always be an uphill struggle with the relationship

This absolutely. Perfectly written.

People are being a bit harsh but I kind of get it OP. My current boyfriend (granted of only a year) seems to "speak" the same love language as me and it really does make things a lot easier and makes me feel secure in his love.

In our case it's acts of service and gift giving; so when he had a traumatic accident at work and I spent weeks doing things and looking after him, he then bought me flowers and a card to show his appreciation for it. Neither of us had to ask, it's just an easy way of communicating. Never wanted or expected the thanks, but also, it makes you feel good and loved.

I think romance is subjective.. I find the cooking the dinner and going to the shop romantic, rather than the flowers.

I'm not a romantic person, I do buy DH flowers when I remember (which isn't often) as he likes them.

It never happens, but if DH de-iced my windscreen on a frosty morning before work - that would be very romantic and better than flowers.

Oo this is the main problem. Social media. You see a scripted version of someone buying their oh flowers. You have no idea if there is genuine warmth or anything in that relationship.
I think we should make an effort with each other's love languages, but gifts are the most expensive one and the least natural if it's not yours. I cannot fathom why someone would see flowers which took 10seconds of your time and no real effort from the giver, as more romantic, than for example , helping out in the house or letting your wife sleep in and take the kids or rubbing her back. You know actually putting yourself out, to assist your oh. So I sometimes don't do gift at all, because in my mind it's so inconsequential, I always think I give something bigger of I give up my time etc.
But to each their own, that can be your love language, but not everyone feels the same and being told to "bring me flowers", he probably doesn't want to do it then because it seems like he is only doing that because you said so.
Personally I'd get off fake social media. It's screwing your expectations.

I think you’re just not suited, honestly.

If those things are important to you and he isn’t interested enough to do them, despite you telling him, then you are in for a lot of disappointment in the future.

I do think you might struggle to find someone who does those things spontaneously and I’m with others who are saying those things aren’t important if he’s doing other nice thoughtful stuff, but if you’ve made it clear and he’d still not making the effort, then he’s probably nor for you, even if that is down to poverty.

Buy yourself flowers. You get to pick what you like and if your partner doesn't then it is not something he does.
I think it's a minor disappointment, I would rather a partner cooking dinner or shopping.

my dh makes me a cup of tea unasked, and puts my electric blanket on in the early evening, also unasked. this is the most romantic thing ever, in my opinion

My friend's dh was all about the surprises and big gestures, but these were generally all about him, not her. she had to 'thank' him for weeks afterwards and he went back to being a difficult git. they are now divorcing.

Sounds like his love languages are acts of service and quality time

You've misunderstood the concept of love languages. Your language indicates how you show love, not a way to force other people to do things. Are you giving him gifts and being thoughtful? Read the book if you must (though it is nonsense), give him gifts, get out of this TikTok hole.

I think you will struggle to find a man who is romantic in that way, it's very uncommon, so I don't agree with the advice to get rid of your DP and find a new one who is better suited.

I expressed to my DP that I liked to receive flowers, and he brought some a couple of times. Although I appreciated the gesture, the ones he'd chosen weren't that great. I now prefer to spend a bit of time choosing the ones I really like when we go shopping together. Maybe try getting yourself flowers, and appreciate the things your DP does for you like cooking you dinner.