Are my expectations too high?

[jackinthebox75]

Long story short I am someone who is very romantic and my love language is little gifts and surprises. My boyfriend’s is quality time.

I spoke to him the other day about how I felt a bit forgotten about - I love flowers and little notes etc but often when I bring these up he’ll do it once and never again. He said with the notes he never has the chance (he does) and with flowers he’s been worried about money.

Anyway yesterday he offers to cook dinner, so goes to the shop. He was over an hour. Because we only chatted the other day, I thought maybe he was buying flowers for our dinner, but he didn’t at all.

I can’t help but think he doesn’t do these things because he doesn’t want to and he’s not romantic which makes me sad. I always see things like “if he wanted to he would”.

An I being a spoilt brat?

No your expectations are not too high at all.

If gifts are what you need emotionally to feel loved, there's nothing wrong with that at all. My DS love language is also gifting, if I'm out buying toilet paper and unexpectedly came home with his favorite snack, he will be so happy! Just knowing he was thought of makes him feel loved. When I saw how his eyes lit up, I started doing iit for him often because I want him to know how important he is to me.

Your partner may not fully understand that. It's ok, we are all taught differently how to love and what it means. It doesn't necessarily make him a bad partner or that he loves you any less.

My DH once said I wasn't supportive of him. I always thought I was, but he didn't feel that way which was more important. I could have been defensive. Instead I decided to work on that over time and tried to do things differently. Now he can't stop telling everyone we know how supportive I am. A relationship is like a skill, it consistently needs to be worked on with investment from both sides in order to grow.
I learned from him how to be a better partner and sometimes that's what it takes. Your partner can learn too.

i think it’s a bit ridiculous tbh but You have a right to want what you want….
if this is a hill you will die on this prob isn’t the guy for you as you aren’t compatible and he will struggle to meet your needs.

i wouldn’t give two figs about flowers and notes if my partner / husband was a good, decent man who treated me well and made me laugh like a drain.

It doesn't matter if he's right or wrong but it seems like you might be incomparable if you don't feel appreciated. Also it completely loses its value if its forced.

I married someone who isn't romantic and I've had to give up on ever experiencing that and tbh it does make me sad.

You’ve put him in an impossible position - surely even if he buys you flowers now he’s only doing it because you asked him to? And that’s not romantic at all?
I don’t think what you’re describing is romantic. He expresses his love in the way that he does it and you’ll struggle to change that. Either accept his romance or don’t but for the love of god don’t compare your real life to TikTok.

My DH never buys me flowers and he knows I love them. I just buy myself flowers! Yes it would be lovely to get flowers now and then but in the scheme of things it's not important. My DH is great in other ways.

I think very, very few men buy their other halves flowers often and leave love notes for them to find. If you want to be partnered I think you do need to lower your expectations, yes. If you are not bothered about being single, then keep looking for that rom com tik tok fantasy man out there :-)

I think your expectations are too high. You've said you have different ways of expressing love, not what you feel unloved. You could buy yourself flowers?

I don’t think your expectations are too high- if that’s what makes you happy it is what it is. But don’t think just because tick tockers post this stuff, that’s how their lives are- likes pay their bills, it’s a job for many of them.
this just shows a lack of compatibility as it’s up to you to decide if you can/ want to get over it long term or you’d rather look for someone who’ll meet this need.

Honestly your ' love language' doesn't trump his. And you hinting for gifts and notes etc will be deeply unattractive to most people .

I think it would be more romantic if you paid attention to the part where your DP says he is worried about money and you stopped pressuring him to spend more.

He is cooking you dinner and wants to spend quality time with you. He sounds great!

An expectation for regular surprises, little notes, gifts and flowers does come across as little needy to be honest. If you really are usung tiktok as your benchmark for romantic expression then your poor boyfriend is never going to measure up and you are going to be perpetually disappointed. Surely if your boyfriend is otherwise decent, kind, supportive, thoughtful, emotionally mature and generally pulls his weight it is way more validating of his feelings towards you then some bullshit aspirational tiktok nonsense

You sound shallow and needy, this poor bloke will be constantly trying to please you with whatever the latest tik tok trend is.

Giving flowers and notes has no meaning if he feels pressured into it, so I should just accept that this is not how he operates and use that information as part of the decision as to whether he is the man for you.

If you are going to spend the rest of your life feeling dissatisfied about this then things will not go well.

Get of social media and all the boasty posts. That is NOT real life.

Off, not of.

Are you both quite young? Things on platforms like TikTok are basically made up, not a basis for real life!

My husband doesn't leave me notes or buy me flowers but it's the things he does for me that shows love. A couple of days ago he went to bed before me . By the time I had done my face and cleaned my teeth I was cold, but my husband rolled over and cuddled me untill I was warm. You can't fake that love but you can with notes and flowers.

I don’t feel the same way as you, OP, but I’d feel dismayed if the other half didn’t make the occasional gesture to demonstrate in a way that’s meaningful for you. You don’t want to be the person in a relationship that has to remind someone that it’s Mother’s Day or an anniversary.

I would value someone wanting to spend quality time with me and cook dinner over flowers any day - much more effort & engagement required!

If you’re planning to base your happiness on things you see on TikTok you’re in for a miserable life. Any man can buy flowers, even an abusive, cocklodging drunk.
Is he a good partner. Respectful, kind, supportive, honest??? Does he make you laugh and cheer you when you’re sad? Does he pull his weight and pay his way? These are the things that matter. Notice and appreciate the ways he DOES show he loves you.

With the greatest respect, you need to grow up

Ignore tik tok. Half of the couples on there probably hate each other! They’re trawling for likes and follows, that’s all.

What does he do to show his love? He loves to spend time with you, cook dinner…what else? Does he say lovely things? Is he tactile?

This

There's nothing romantic about buying someone flowers because you're pressured into if.

and very much this.

If you think there is any relationship between what you might see someone setting up on TikTok (or Instagram) and people's everyday lives, you have a lot of growing up to do.

YABU.

He offered to do something nice for you; to make dinner and you focused on what he didn't do instead, I think this is unfair on him.

Try and focus on what he does do to show you he cares, and recognise this remember he is expressing through his own love language.

Come to think of it I've never thought about what love language myself or hubby have!

You do sound a little spoiled yeah but if that's what you like and not what he's like you need to seriously consider if this relationship is for you long term. Neither DH or me are very "romantic" , so works for us because we're on the same page.