Are my expectations too high?

[jackinthebox75]

Long story short I am someone who is very romantic and my love language is little gifts and surprises. My boyfriend’s is quality time.

I spoke to him the other day about how I felt a bit forgotten about - I love flowers and little notes etc but often when I bring these up he’ll do it once and never again. He said with the notes he never has the chance (he does) and with flowers he’s been worried about money.

Anyway yesterday he offers to cook dinner, so goes to the shop. He was over an hour. Because we only chatted the other day, I thought maybe he was buying flowers for our dinner, but he didn’t at all.

I can’t help but think he doesn’t do these things because he doesn’t want to and he’s not romantic which makes me sad. I always see things like “if he wanted to he would”.

An I being a spoilt brat?

Bluey, Series 2: 17. Fancy Restaurant: www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/m001cjxw via @bbciplayer

What are your star signs ?

I have a friend like you, she is a Leo, dating another Leo. Neither wealthy
. Flowers,chocolates gifts etx
Not for me, each to their own

If you are in the UK and have a TV licence then please watch this..it's the most romantic thing I've seen today.

Buying flowers and surprise gifts is a very shallow and showy type of romance, to me. I prefer someone who is there to support me emotionally in times of stress, and is loving and thoughtful in different ways. Love needn't always involve spending money, as though I am a child needing to be bribed.
Fairness, equality, and support are important in a relationship.

You need a rich man if you want regular gifts. Let the poor bloke go and find someone who appreciates him for who he is, not how fat his wallet is.

Love language?

You discussed this with him?

'What's your love language?'

Why on earth would you want something you had emotionally blackmailed him into doing? It won’t be genuine so it will mean nothing, he’ll feel like a prat and he will absolutely resent you for it.

So love language in my house between me and dh

Me-affectionate,
used to pick up little things for dh when out that I saw if I knew he would it

Would book tables for meals on sat night or suggest cinema or food out etc

Dh-affectionate but not forthcoming with it

Washes my car

Has done some amazing renovations in our home over the years

As the years have gone on both our languages have changed op because they just do

I don't get disappointed that I don't get thought of when he's at the local shop etc like I used to,I just don't think of him when I'm there anymore.
Sounds sad but if I want something I get it myself and don't expect him to because else I would live in constant disappointment

As awful as that sounds it works for me

Every now and then he will spend hours valeting my car (his language)or he will do something diy wise I've mentioned I think would look nice and that's how we roll

What do you do to show love to him? Do you buy him gifts, write him little notes, plan surprises? Your love language is about how you show love as well as how you receive it so I assume you’re spending your days planning little gestures for him - how does he react when you do?

@MereDintofPandiculation what does EA mean?

EA = Emotionally Abusive in this context

Can I just roll my eyes at love language. What a load of wank.

Let me guess: if you do something nice for him e.g. buy him a little gift, I bet he likes it doesn't he?

This. What a load of shit and so needy. Do people really live their life according to what they've seen on TikTok?

My DH rarely buys me flowers, maybe once a year. Which is a relief because I find them a faff and I think he sees them as a waste of money (I do too) He does so many other things for me to show me he loves me. It sounds like yours does too. Don't put emphasis on trivial things like flowers.

TikTok? Give me a break! That's not real life.

My DH and I have different 'love languages'. He's very practical and looks for ways to make my life easier. I, like you, had always wanted hearts and flowers. And I, like you, felt disappointed and tried to 'teach him the right way to love me'.

But let me tell you this, I found out that 'hearts and flowers' are pennies compared to the pounds of solid gestures that make your life better. My DH may not make grand romantic gestures but, to quote the late Queen, he has been my 'strength and stay for many years' (35+ to be exact). This man has been the solid rock I can lean on and the soft place for me to land when life has knocked me for a loop. Will flowers do that? Will a 'set up room'? Hell no. In fact flowers and 'rooms' and grand gestures are easy and almost meaningless in the big picture of a life lived together. What is meaningful is a man who sees his purpose in marriage as making his wife's life with him feel safe, secure, and fulfilled.

Amen… now mine does things for me that make me laugh and over the course of the years he’s bought flowers and written notes.

To be honest the the thing that stands out to me is the 🧻 that buys (he does most of the shopping). When we first moved in together I said I wasn’t fussy about most things… except I was brand loyal to my toilet paper. He mostly bought what was on sale. For almost 20 years he’s bought the ‘right’ TP even though he couldn’t give a shit less what we used (pun intended).

Now that’s a demonstration of love.

Fucking hell. Life isn't a romantic movie or a tiktok post. 99.99% of men are not constantly planning little surprises/notes/flowers for their wives and the ones who are are usually the shallow arseholes trying to distract you because they've cheated/are a cocklodger/can't be bothered to actually make more personal or meaningful gestures.

I think DH has bought me flowers 3 times in 17 years & 2 of those are when he was in the doghouse.

More importantly: he brought me a really nice lunch in bed on a tray every day for nearly 2 weeks when i was postpartum & wiped out with anaemia.

He makes me a coffee every morning when he gets his.

He bought me some lovely, quite unusual jewelry that was very specific to my tastes for a big birthday & had got it made specially.

How old are you? Please don't take relationship advice from Tik tik ffs.

The TikTok comparison is only going to hurt you.

That said, you've clearly and repeatedly communicated something that is important to you, and would make you feel valued. And he hasn't done it.

It's not hard to write a note. If he doesn't want to buy flowers, it's just as romantic to pick one on the walk home and give you that. Or draw you one, or whatever.

It would annoy me if I communicated a very achievable and relatively small thing that was impacting my happiness and my partner didn't do it.

Men constantly say 'who knows what women want'. This woman is telling him clearly in a language they both understand and he's still not doing it.

I'd not base your life off TikTok, I just saw today a couple broke up in November and month after their wedding but the for you page showing me their videos gave me no idea that they had split or been close to it

People show love in different ways. The way you want him to show it, isn't the way he shows it. You're going to have to accept that, or move on.

I’m married to someone, similar to you, I like small meaningful gifts, my husband wants tasks/doing things to help. We’ve had many conversations about “flowers just because” we’re 7+ years in, and he buys them, BUT they’re the cheapest weed like flowers you’ve ever seen. I’d rather (and I do) buy them for myself. I’d rather have a relationship and accept the person for who they are, than who I want them to be. To quote Miley Cyrus… “I can buy my own flowers”🌺.

If your love language is romance, how is telling someone what they should do romantic?

What is your relationship like in general? Is everything else good? If so, are flowers worth more than that? If so then maybe it's time to move on