Are my expectations too high?

[jackinthebox75]

Long story short I am someone who is very romantic and my love language is little gifts and surprises. My boyfriend’s is quality time.

I spoke to him the other day about how I felt a bit forgotten about - I love flowers and little notes etc but often when I bring these up he’ll do it once and never again. He said with the notes he never has the chance (he does) and with flowers he’s been worried about money.

Anyway yesterday he offers to cook dinner, so goes to the shop. He was over an hour. Because we only chatted the other day, I thought maybe he was buying flowers for our dinner, but he didn’t at all.

I can’t help but think he doesn’t do these things because he doesn’t want to and he’s not romantic which makes me sad. I always see things like “if he wanted to he would”.

An I being a spoilt brat?

@Wheresthefibre excellent post!!

It would never even occur to me to write my husband little notes and I don't think he's ever bought me flowers on a whim, although occasionally for birthdays etc.

I think you are being a bit unreasonable. Romantic gestures on demand are pretty meaningless. It's as if you've asked him to recite a limerick every morning when he gets up then are disappointed when he doesn't want to.

Me and my partner also have different love languages. Part of why we work is because we do try to adapt to each others needs. He will occasionally bring me flowers because he knows it means a lot to me even though he doesn’t quite understand it but he knows it makes me smile.

If nothing else, this is a really good real life example of why social media is bad for your mental and emotional wellbeing. Human brains are not set up for it, and it's been set up to exploit human brains, to make a small amount of people a load of money.

There's nothing wrong with you OP, just get your head up and out of TikTok, after a week I guarantee your life will improve in small ways, and maybe some bigger ones.

Hah! My DP regularly buys me flowers but never ever cooks. I would absolutely love it if he planned, bought food and cooked for me one day. Far more than a bunch of flowers that he gets with about 2 mins effort.

My ExH regularly bought me flowers. He was also a controlling abusive bully.
My current partner is kind, affectionate,caring and loving. He has an allotment and brings me the vegetables he's grown rather than flowers and then cooks me dinner. It's not romantic in the story book sense but I feel loved.

I actually don’t think the op is asking too much of her partner by saying “these acts make me feel loved”, can you do them more often.

whether you agree with love languages or not, it’s totally fine to express a need or a preference to a partner. If it’s something simple like buying the odd bunch of flowers that’s really not a big ask.

my partners love language is physical touch, where mine is not-especially if I’ve had a stressful day. However, I make the effort to give him a hug or scratch his head to show that I understand what me needs and I’m willing to put some effort in.

if this post exchanged ‘I need flowers to feel appreciated’ to ‘I need my partner to help more around the house to feel appreciated’ you would have got a totally different response op.

OP I'm pretty sure 'love language' (hate that term) means how you show love - it is not something you're supposed to demand of someone else. If yours is notes and gifts, then that's what you're supposed to be doing for him, not him to you.

if this post exchanged ‘I need flowers to feel appreciated’ to ‘I need my partner to help more around the house to feel appreciated’ you would have got a totally different response op.
Because they're totally different.

Another adult not pulling their weight around the house is being a selfish and lazy adult. Showing a partner that you consider their role is to pick up your pants, do the dishes and tidy up after you is disrespectful. That isn't about expressing romantic love. It's basic respect and not treating another person like your personal cleaner and housekeeper.

There's a big difference between feeling like you're not valued because your partner has dumped most, if not all, basic housework on you, and feeling upset and unappreciated because your partner doesn't buy you enough presents and leave notes like the people on Tiktok do.

I have been with my DH for 17 years. In all that time he has bought me flowers 3 times. However he shows that he loves me in so many other ways I never doubt it. Flowers just aren't his thing. Yes, he knows I like them, he just doesnt think to buy them. He will get me a special connector for my computer, he gets me birthday cards with incredibly flowery messages in, just not actual flowers.

I think you just have to accept that it's not his love language, as he has to accept that it is yours.

I find that sort of thing ridiculously needy sorry OP - telling someone to buy you gifts and write notes takes away from the spontaneity and they become meaningless

Most flowers are terribly environmentally unfriendly, esp if bought in winter. Awful stories of dangerous chemicals making flower workers in Kenya ill (a lot of our cut flowers come from Kenya). They also cause some people bad hay fever if brought into the house. And they're expensive. I love flowers, and do occasionally buy them, but there are plenty of good reasons not to.

I've been with DH nearly 37 years. I think there have been 4 bunches of flowers... for the birth of our four children (and that was because his workplace told him to)
But last weekend he built me a compost bin. Yesterday I came home and he'd made me a new board for my painting easel. He shows love and care by doing things for me that I am not great at. He's kind, and considerate, and has been my rock always. That's love in action, not TikTok posing.
I also think that 'Love Languages' is a pile of wank !

Don’t parents put little notes in their reception aged kids’ lunchboxes?

IME the more openly showy people are with their relationships, the more shit the relationship is. When people put this crap on instagram/tiktok the question you have to ask is “who are you trying to convince?”
I’m guessing you’re still in your teens given your attitude and reliance on tiktok, either that or you’re completely shallow.

If the former then you will ultimately grow up (hopefully) and see just how cringeworthy this all is.

If the latter then I suggest that your bf runs for the hills and you can look for another meaningless relationship which produces flowers and love notes.

Everyone's being a dick to the OP because of the examples she's given, but the underlying issues are legit.

She values and seeks romance, her boyfriend doesn't. That's a significant incompatibility.

She's communicated a fairly simple request that would make her feel secure, valued and happy- and he's mostly ignored it. That's not great either.

I do things that I think are stupid, regularly and with enthusiasm, because the person I love values them. It's normal to change a little to please someone you love and make them feel good. He does the same for me.

Shes not asking him to upend his world- just occasionally leave a post it in the fridge with 'love you' on it, or pick her some flowers on the way home from work.

Shes asking for flowers and notes, not diamonds and poetry.

Just because YOU or I don't value notes and flowers (I agree they are a faff and shit for the environment) doesn't mean they can't be important to someone else.

It's a compatibility and flexibility issue- and it's not looking good for them.

Maybe for you.
but that’s the whole point, people feel loved and appreciated in different ways.
someone buying flowers means to op that he saw them and thought she’d like them.
personally it wouldn’t mean much to me, or by the sounds of it you.
plenty of people on here saying oh he makes me a cup of tea, or builds me something- that’s no different to ops preference of flowers….

it some small act that shows he’s thinking of what she would like or need.

everyone ragging on her because she watches tik tok or like flowers and cards. It’s judgemental at best and cruel at worst.

If my husband bought me flowers, I'd ask what he'd done wrong.

He does leave me notes though. Just the other day he left me a note asking if I could take the dog out.

@jackinthebox75

surely it totally defeats the point if he does it because he's told to.

i think it's nice too, but only if they're doing it spontaneously, not because it's expected or habit.

just appreciate the way HE shows love.

How does that work? you tell him to buy flowers and if he does, do you act all thrilled and surprised??
You do know tiktok is staged?

He was getting dinner. He was showing her he cared. The whole love language thing wasn’t so you could dictate how some shows you love.

making a cup of tea is different, because that’s not costing additional money, when the person being expected to spend is also concerned about money.

I love TikTok. I can scroll for hours, no judgement for using TikTok. However, if you insist your love language is whatever other people are faking on Social media, expecting people to spend money when they have told you no then people are going to tell you that’s not ok.

Requiring someone to spend money, imo, isn’t a love language at all. Especially, if your partner has already said they are concerned about money. It’s quite a cruel expectation and nothing about love.

I bet no one would entertain a man saying he needed gifts buying to feel loved and still expected them after his girlfriend said she is worried about money.

@Wheresthefibre

I don't know if he deserves romantic kudos for getting one dinner. Presumably dinner happens every day.

Maybe if it was a special dinner or he lit candles or something.

OP wants her boyfriend to make her feel special and worth some extra effort. That's not out of this world.

But what she’s looking for is quite superficial and not a very good way or really judging if someone loves you.
Any one and buy flowers and gifts. And it is, I believe, actually a common way for bad partners to make themselves look good.

Maybe for you.
I don't think many people would consider it acceptable to assume one person in a household is expected to basically pick up after everyone all the time and not pull their weight.
Even in a house share it's not acceptable to leave stuff lying around, leave the dishes for one person to do, not take plates to the kitchen, leave the bathroom grimy until one person cleans it etc.

That's why I don't think not buying gifts is comparable to not treating someone you live with with basic respect.

but that’s the whole point, people feel loved and appreciated in different ways.
someone buying flowers means to op that he saw them and thought she’d like them.
personally it wouldn’t mean much to me, or by the sounds of it you.
plenty of people on here saying oh he makes me a cup of tea, or builds me something- that’s no different to ops preference of flowers….

it some small act that shows he’s thinking of what she would like or need.

everyone ragging on her because she watches tik tok or like flowers and cards.It’s judgemental at best and cruel at worst.

I don't think the issue is watching TikTok to be honest.

I agree with you that there's many ways to show someone you care, but I think there's a danger a fixation on this love language stuff (combined with judging daily life against other people's staged and filtered social media highlights) that makes people susceptible to a bit of a narcissistic outlook.
Eg. I want what I saw on social media and I've told you I want it because it makes me happy and feel loved when you buy me gifts. Now I don't feel loved because I've told you what I want and you're not doing it. I've told you so many times that that's my love language so maybe you don't love me that much if you're not taking the time and effort to get me presents and write notes like the people on socials do.

Of course dinner happens everyday, and? He didn’t need to go out get stuff and come back and cook. I mean come on, when women do shopping and dinner it’s viewed as an act of care? But not when men do it?

If something happens often it can’t also be romantic? Your idea of romance is narrow. only romantic if there’s candles?

At no point has she said he makes no effort. He said he doesn’t do these 2 things. One being spending money when he has said he is concerned about money.

Besides which, she wants these things because she sees people on social media getting those things. If the TikTok relationship accounts start posting something else, will that be her new love language?

If you partner started telling you, you need to be different because of something they saw on social media, would you really do it?

Again, if she posted he expected gifts and she had told him she was worried about money, no one would be backing him.

TikTok is not real life!