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AIBU?

Angry at being told I'm not really part of the family

212 replies

MakingUpTheNumbers · 07/01/2024 08:18

DP and I have been together since uni. 23 years this year. We've got 3 DC, 2 dogs, own our house together etc, etc but we're not married. Not for any particular reason but for both of us it wasn't ever a priority and other parts of our developing lives always seemed more important. We're happy with our lives and we've never had cause to question our arrangement.

Last weekend on NYE we were round at DP"s brothers house, his other siblings were there with their DW and DHs (they're all married) and all the kids. DP was making arrangements with his DSis for us to take their kids for a weekend at the end of Jan and when organised and said to the kids, that they were coming to stay and Uncle Paul and Auntie Numbers and we'd need to plan to do something cool.

In front of everyone including all the kids DP's father who was a bit drunk bellowed and has form for being argumentative. ”Don't call her Auntie, she's not their Auntie, she's of no relation to them, she's actually no relation to any of us"

DP and his siblings called their father out on it and DP's mother pulled me aside to make excuses for it all and apologise but a week on and it's still really bothering me.

I know he's technically right, we're not married, I'm not their Auntie but WIBU to talk to DP's father and ask WTAF?

OP posts:
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Am I being unreasonable?

1936 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
11%
You are NOT being unreasonable
89%
Thehappygardener · 08/01/2024 22:53

Yes, some people are complete idiots (would normally use a MUCH stronger word but want to remain relatively polite!).

I am married to a widower and am stepmother to his three now adult children. We’ve been together for 20+ years and STILL one or two (thankfully) distant relations and in laws regard me as less a real part of the family, and a money grabbing second wife. I know that they are talking rubbish but it did, at times, hurt. I’ve had a really good talk to myself, and have come to the conclusion that it is very much their problem.

I personally recommend marriage but you must do what you want to do re marriage, and please dont give this stupid man any more head space. 💕

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Nonamesleft1 · 08/01/2024 23:47

TheaBrandt · 08/01/2024 22:21

Noname did you take advice on your will? If you leave your share of the house directly to the children where is your DH supposed to live? So an elderly man will be booted out of his home? He would be well advised to make a claim for reasonable provision jn those circumstances, and as a long term spouse he would succeed.

You need to give him a life interest in your half that way you get your full IHT exemption, he can live in the house until he dies/goes into care but your half is protected for the children to inherit after he has died. Your current solution is inadvisable.

Yes he has a life interest. Yes I drew it up with a solicitor. I’m not that daft or inconsiderate.

you clearly know nothing about my “current solution”. Why do you refer to my “half”? It’s 100% my house, bought and paid for before I met him. He knows that, and knows I will leave it to my children.

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CatNoBag · 08/01/2024 23:52

We did the secret registry office wedding thing after many decades together. The only conundrum was witnesses. We didn’t want to have to tell anyone really, and we considered the stopping someone on the street option but my DH was worried this could go wrong and add to the stress on the day (registry office was a little tucked away from the main drag in a lovely old building with gardens!). We ended up hiring two lovely ladies through a website who do it as a hobby and turned up more smartly dressed than we were 😆

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Toomuchtrouble4me · 09/01/2024 01:33

As you said, he’s technically right. You are not a family relation to any of them. So you are angry that he spoke the truth? It sounds as though others will tell him that he was out of line once he’s sober. But you already knew you weren’t actually auntie and he was drunk and said so. I’d leave it.

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saraclara · 09/01/2024 03:22

Toomuchtrouble4me · 09/01/2024 01:33

As you said, he’s technically right. You are not a family relation to any of them. So you are angry that he spoke the truth? It sounds as though others will tell him that he was out of line once he’s sober. But you already knew you weren’t actually auntie and he was drunk and said so. I’d leave it.

 he’s technically right. You are not a family relation to any of them

Can you explain what you mean by that?

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GrannyHelen1 · 09/01/2024 06:42

If he can't have a few drinks without showing himself up like that, best he stays sober. You're NTA, he is.

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EmeraldA129 · 09/01/2024 09:01

Signing a bit of paper wouldn’t make you any more part of the family. You are already part of it.

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FluffyBenji23 · 09/01/2024 09:20

Some people are just S*S. My ex sister-in-law (I am divorced from her brother after he deserted me and our child) insists I am no longer an aunt to any of our child's biological cousins and had me de-invited from the wedding of the niece to whom I was closest. You absolutely are their aunt - biology trumps a piece of paper every time!

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FloofCloud · 09/01/2024 13:06

MakingUpTheNumbers · 07/01/2024 09:57

I agree r.e. marriage/civil partnership and how it makes sense for most couples and provides security and benefits for both halves.

For us, for a variety of reasons it doesn't bring the same level of advantages.

That said, we've just read this post together and have decided that we're going to get married. Definitely not because of the NYE comments but because we've talked about it on and off for the last year or so .......kinda in the same vein as we talked about decorating the living room. DP is currently painting the ceiling in there so while we're on a roll of making 2023 plans happen we might as well make it 2 for 2! 😂

Now for the most important part of the day's decisions......will it be a celebratory sausage roll or steak bake?

Aaahhhhh congratulations!! Can we MN posse come too, we'll polish off our hats and be in our best behaviour 😇
Steak bake btw ... with some champers considering it's kind of decision day ... albeit was Sunday and it's now Tuesday lol

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Andthereyougo · 09/01/2024 13:10

Id start addressing him as Mr Surname and referring to him as DP’s father or Mr Surname.

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FreshWinterMorning · 09/01/2024 13:22

Nonamesleft1 · 08/01/2024 23:47

Yes he has a life interest. Yes I drew it up with a solicitor. I’m not that daft or inconsiderate.

you clearly know nothing about my “current solution”. Why do you refer to my “half”? It’s 100% my house, bought and paid for before I met him. He knows that, and knows I will leave it to my children.

Edited

And THIS is why I would never be in a relationship with someone, (and live with them,) and never get married. And I would certainly not live with anyone in a house that is 100% THEIRS (especially when they make a point of letting me - and other people know that it's THEIRS, and it is being left to their children when they die...)

As a pp said, if YOUR house is being left to your children, where the hell is your partner going to if you die first? Confused I could not live like this. Your partner needs to get his ducks in a row - and his own place to live.

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Nonamesleft1 · 09/01/2024 13:46

FreshWinterMorning · 09/01/2024 13:22

And THIS is why I would never be in a relationship with someone, (and live with them,) and never get married. And I would certainly not live with anyone in a house that is 100% THEIRS (especially when they make a point of letting me - and other people know that it's THEIRS, and it is being left to their children when they die...)

As a pp said, if YOUR house is being left to your children, where the hell is your partner going to if you die first? Confused I could not live like this. Your partner needs to get his ducks in a row - and his own place to live.

Can you read? He has a life interest.

that means he lives in the house rent free, until he dies, goes into care, remarries or chooses not to live there any more. He can sell, and use the funds to buy a new place under the same conditions.

it means my house eventually goes to our kids as I want it to. If he remarried and doesn’t bother sorting a will, it will go to a new wife. He has kids from a previous marriage who will already profit from the London house (value nearly 1m) he owned with his ex, so his assets will go 4 ways and my children will lose half of my house.

he is happy with this arrangement as it meant he could accept a lower settlement from his ex so she and her kids could afford to stay in their family home.

he also has a big enough pension that his lump sum will buy him a house outright, if he chose.

this is me getting my ducks in a row, and making sure everyone within our family gets as fair a share of our money as possible.

ffs.

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