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Angry at being told I'm not really part of the family

212 replies

MakingUpTheNumbers · 07/01/2024 08:18

DP and I have been together since uni. 23 years this year. We've got 3 DC, 2 dogs, own our house together etc, etc but we're not married. Not for any particular reason but for both of us it wasn't ever a priority and other parts of our developing lives always seemed more important. We're happy with our lives and we've never had cause to question our arrangement.

Last weekend on NYE we were round at DP"s brothers house, his other siblings were there with their DW and DHs (they're all married) and all the kids. DP was making arrangements with his DSis for us to take their kids for a weekend at the end of Jan and when organised and said to the kids, that they were coming to stay and Uncle Paul and Auntie Numbers and we'd need to plan to do something cool.

In front of everyone including all the kids DP's father who was a bit drunk bellowed and has form for being argumentative. ”Don't call her Auntie, she's not their Auntie, she's of no relation to them, she's actually no relation to any of us"

DP and his siblings called their father out on it and DP's mother pulled me aside to make excuses for it all and apologise but a week on and it's still really bothering me.

I know he's technically right, we're not married, I'm not their Auntie but WIBU to talk to DP's father and ask WTAF?

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?

1936 votes. Final results.

You are being unreasonable
You are NOT being unreasonable
VolvoFan · 07/01/2024 08:39

Every family is different. I personally made sure to marry first, then get a house, then kids etc. It's the done thing in my family. It might not be in another family. The kids part hasn't happened yet, but still trying. Who isn't a bellend when drunk?

PickledPegs · 07/01/2024 08:41

He’s a prick. I’m glad the rest of the family called him out for this shitty behaviour. I’m so sorry, totally understand why you’re upset. Imagine telling the mother of your grandchildren she’s not part of your family.

FloofCloud · 07/01/2024 08:45

What an arsehole! Personally I'd get married, even if it's just a quick one at the local registry office with a couple of witnesses, just because of your rights as a married person always seem to be more ... I would t bloody invite that prick though, I'd just turn up with a wedding ring on one day

MakingUpTheNumbers · 07/01/2024 08:45

IncompleteSenten · 07/01/2024 08:26

Ok you are not legally their aunt by marriage but you most certainly are family and deserving of the auntie 'title'.

If he doesn't see you as family then I'd be petty as fuck and do nothing at all for or with him that 'family' does because fuck him.

We'd actually talked about this back in the autumn. Registry office at lunch, quick sandwich at Greggs and both of us back to work. 😁

Need to keep it secret of we do, would hate the thought of DP's father thinking he'd initiated it with his nonsense

OP posts:
MereDintofPandiculation · 07/01/2024 08:46

When I was growing up, "auntie" and "uncle", as well as indicating your parents'siblings and their spouses, were an honorific for grown up friends of your parents. And that's still current, just not as universal. So he's talking out of his arse whichever way you look at it.

MakingUpTheNumbers · 07/01/2024 08:46

Ugh, quoted wrong post

OP posts:
RampantIvy · 07/01/2024 08:47

As annoying and upsetting as he was, it sounds like everyone else doesn't agree with him, so I would just leave it.

NOTANUM · 07/01/2024 08:48

NotYourBrain · 07/01/2024 08:26

Up here in the north, your NEIGHBOUR can be your auntie. He can shove it up his arse!

Love this!!
FIL is just an arse and is thankfully surrounded by good people who told him so. I’d leave it now.
But on a separate note, if you are a lower earner or have accumulated less wealth (pensions, house), being married gives you protection if things go wrong (split, illness, death etc.). But I’m sure you know what you’re doing.

IncompleteSenten · 07/01/2024 08:49

MakingUpTheNumbers · 07/01/2024 08:46

Ugh, quoted wrong post

That's ok. I like the attention 😁😁

VisionsOfSplendour · 07/01/2024 08:49

I'd stick with the saying, you can't argue with stupid. Why care what a oaf like him thinks?

saraclara · 07/01/2024 08:50

witmum · 07/01/2024 08:30

It is for your partner to raise and call out the behaviour.

He already did. But OP also has every right to should she want to.

Having said that, I agree with others that there's absolutely no point. It's not one off poor behaviour, he's just an unpleasant man who isn't going to listen or care anyway. Everyone else in the family instantly backed OP, and will think even less if him after what he said.

Of course, should be ever want something from her, it might be satisfying to point out that as she's not family, he should ask someone else.

Dentistlakes · 07/01/2024 08:50

It was a very unkind thing for him to say and it seems the rest of the family came out in support of you which is good. Given he has form for being a dickhead, I would try not to let it bother you and move on. No point in giving the old asshole any headspace.

cutlery · 07/01/2024 08:50

I'd just like to have the satisfaction of challenging him on it and pointing out that while I might not be family, I'm more often than not more welcome in all their lives than he is.

It sounds like he might already know this, perhaps he is jealous of how involved in the family you are. Rise above it.

Jollyoldfruit · 07/01/2024 08:52

My best friend and her dh are both only dc.
We’ve always been aunt and uncle to their dc otherwise they wouldn’t have ever had an aunt or uncle.

Your fil is an idiot.

Iwantmyoldnameback · 07/01/2024 08:52

I have this weird thing that once children are born you become related because of blood. Probably not explaining it very well though.

Timeturnerplease · 07/01/2024 08:53

I thought that generation called everyone aunty/uncle? ILs have/had our DDs four days a week (one now at school) and they call MIL’s entire friendship group aunty x, y etc. We can’t walk down the high street in the village without DDs saying hi Aunty Mary/Rose/Felicity/Margaret etc!

Hiddenvoice · 07/01/2024 08:53

That’s upsetting and he sounds like an idiot but if leave it. The rest of the family stuck up for you and dps mum so their opinion matters more.

Jollyoldfruit · 07/01/2024 08:54

Iwantmyoldnameback · 07/01/2024 08:52

I have this weird thing that once children are born you become related because of blood. Probably not explaining it very well though.

Yes. Exactly, op’s dc are blood related to their df’s family and obviously blood related to op so I get what you mean.

daisychain01 · 07/01/2024 08:55

We'd actually talked about this back in the autumn. Registry office at lunch, quick sandwich at Greggs and both of us back to work.😁

Need to keep it secret of we do, would hate the thought of DP's father thinking he'd initiated it with his nonsense

you'd be well advised to go through with Register Office and Greggs tuna crunch sarnie, your non FIL has done you a big back-handed favour by "reminding" you unintentionally that the status of marriage is really important for a woman. You can enjoy the secret smile that he never needs to know. Please get that protected status you deserve.

Gritty · 07/01/2024 08:56

I would consider you their auntie. I would not challenge him because it won't give me anything. It's a waste of your breath.

Yanbu for being angry
Yabu for wanting to confront him. He was drunk and factual though hurtful. You can't force people to give you an 'honorary' title.

TwoShades1 · 07/01/2024 08:57

There’s quite a few unmarried couples in our family so our kids (and their cousins) would be pretty short on aunties/uncles if you had to be married!

brainworms · 07/01/2024 08:58

I'd confront him, AND get him told to stop being such an utter wanker.


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EverySporkIsSacred · 07/01/2024 08:58

I've voted that you're being Unreasonable but only for the wanting to talk to FIL about it! Total waste of time and won't achieve anything other than shouting and arguing.
Yes you are their auntie, and he's being an immature drunk idiot - take the high ground on this.

Also in my experience the people in their lives who treat kids the best and make happy memories with them are the ones they feel are their family.

pickledandpuzzled · 07/01/2024 08:59

I’m their cousins’ mum, your grandkids’ mum.

But don’t worry, when you’re needing care I’ll remember you aren’t family.

TheCraicDealer · 07/01/2024 08:59

Yes the best “fuck you” would have been to have done the registry office and sausage roll and then been able to reply, “Actually we did get married, we just only told people we’re close to”. But hindsight is a wonderful thing.

I’d not yet him put me off and still do it, quietly tell everyone but him and just keep that lil nugget of information in my back pocket for a later date. The benefits of marriage are too great to not proceed out of spite.

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