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Angry at being told I'm not really part of the family

212 replies

MakingUpTheNumbers · 07/01/2024 08:18

DP and I have been together since uni. 23 years this year. We've got 3 DC, 2 dogs, own our house together etc, etc but we're not married. Not for any particular reason but for both of us it wasn't ever a priority and other parts of our developing lives always seemed more important. We're happy with our lives and we've never had cause to question our arrangement.

Last weekend on NYE we were round at DP"s brothers house, his other siblings were there with their DW and DHs (they're all married) and all the kids. DP was making arrangements with his DSis for us to take their kids for a weekend at the end of Jan and when organised and said to the kids, that they were coming to stay and Uncle Paul and Auntie Numbers and we'd need to plan to do something cool.

In front of everyone including all the kids DP's father who was a bit drunk bellowed and has form for being argumentative. ”Don't call her Auntie, she's not their Auntie, she's of no relation to them, she's actually no relation to any of us"

DP and his siblings called their father out on it and DP's mother pulled me aside to make excuses for it all and apologise but a week on and it's still really bothering me.

I know he's technically right, we're not married, I'm not their Auntie but WIBU to talk to DP's father and ask WTAF?

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?

1936 votes. Final results.

You are being unreasonable
You are NOT being unreasonable
WowzersSchnauzers · 07/01/2024 10:02

Now for the most important part of the day's decisions......will it be a celebratory sausage roll or steak bake?

Well, that got serious fast... I think a poll is needed - QUICKLY!! 😁

Nonomono · 07/01/2024 10:02

YANBU to feel upset but he does have a point and with the older generations especially, it is seen as really important and they may be struggling with the idea of why there hasn’t been a marriage so far.

He sounds quite traditional/old fashioned and I suspect this was a dig at his son and your DP probably has many of these digs but doesn’t tell you/is just used to them by now.

Your DP needs to speak to him and say that it’s not just that he hasn’t asked you yet (which is probably what FIL and everyone else is thinking), it’s that you’ve both discussed it and it’s not something that either of you want to do.

Changedforthetoday · 07/01/2024 10:03

why choose it’s a special day have a sausage roll and a steak bake!!!!! Then have an iced cream finger after. The food of the gods.

rrrrrreatt · 07/01/2024 10:03

Don’t mind him at all, he’s a judgemental idiot.

My partner and I haven’t got married yet but his family all call me aunty to his baby nephew and my nephew and nieces call him uncle. I’m also aunty to a friend’s boys too because she hasn’t got any sisters and we’ve been friends for donkeys years.

Being an aunty or uncle isn’t just about being related, it’s about showing up and being involved in a child’s life and part of their extended family set up.

QueenOfMOHO · 07/01/2024 10:05

Challenge him OP. Don't let him get away with this. Say you found his comments upsetting and that you won't be speaking to him again until he apologises.
Some men behave like this because they are never challenged.

AnneKipankitoo · 07/01/2024 10:06

Just get married. Register office. No fuss.

AnneKipankitoo · 07/01/2024 10:08

Technically he is right. He is also rude.

Elphamouche · 07/01/2024 10:08

I had the same. We’re married now though and I got told “now you can be part of the family”. By my FIL. We’d been together 7 years when we finally got married (Covid wedding victims so 18m delay and 3 cancellations).

But who is it that’s spent now nearly 10 years nagging DH to check in on his dad? To help him out with stuff? Has tried to help with sorting finances etc as his dad constantly moans about how expensive everything is (I’ve finally now looked at it all, and he’s got good deals on everything, he just begrudges paying for anything that’s not fags).

All of his cousins, aunties and uncles etc treated me as part of the family very quickly, I was added to the family tree!

He’s a very difficult man, sounds very much like your FIL sadly OP.

saraclara · 07/01/2024 10:09

Please, please don't tell him that you're getting/that you got married, OP. You know he'll glory in his comment 'working'.

And neither. It has to be the tuna crunch baguette.

MoonWoman69 · 07/01/2024 10:11

YAY!!! Sausage rolls and a cream slice, bugger the decadence, it's your wedding day!!! Congrats! 🤗🤗🤗

Jessforless · 07/01/2024 10:11

saraclara · 07/01/2024 10:09

Please, please don't tell him that you're getting/that you got married, OP. You know he'll glory in his comment 'working'.

And neither. It has to be the tuna crunch baguette.

This. Tuna crunch baguette is the only reason for Greggs!

Thisilldo · 07/01/2024 10:12

I would have immediately shouted back…Thank God!

TempleOfBloom · 07/01/2024 10:14

Just to counter the ‘get marriage for the protection’ parrots on MN:

Marriage isn’t always a protection for a woman. If she earns far more. If she has saved a much bigger pension. If she saved and bought property and built up equity in a house and he didn’t. If she works, kept up her earning power, and the kids no longer need expensive childcare costs.

What does marriage offer such a woman that cannot be covered by a separate arrangement? And to address which risk that is more likely to happen than divorce which affects a far greater % of couples?

No one can say it’s better to get married unless they know the circumstances.

Ludovik · 07/01/2024 10:15

NotYourBrain · 07/01/2024 08:26

Up here in the north, your NEIGHBOUR can be your auntie. He can shove it up his arse!

Indeed. Our street still refers to Aunty Connie’s house… she was no one’s actual auntie, and she has been dead nearly 30 years!

LetitiaCropley · 07/01/2024 10:17

Get married and don’t invite him.

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 07/01/2024 10:17

If you don’t fancy marriage about a civil partnership?

saraclara · 07/01/2024 10:18

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 07/01/2024 10:17

If you don’t fancy marriage about a civil partnership?

Read OP's updates.

Kitkatcatflap · 07/01/2024 10:19

As much as you want to challenge him, given your update on him being so obnoxious, he will accuse you of being over sensitive and unable to take a joke. Challenging him is more than likely to do it again, knowing he can provoke you. I think the best thing is to have some stock lines prepared. Something like 'The only reason stopping marrying into this family is having you for a FIL'. 'I'll get married the day the day your buried, make it a double celebration'

Have a few of them ready until you can drop the 'We are married' and follow up with the Gregg's reception story.

Good luck OP

Salesarefullofcutpricesprouts · 07/01/2024 10:21

Personally I would never utter another word in his direction..

Elleherd · 07/01/2024 10:22

DP's father is obviously an arse and should be kept at arms length.
But so glad to hear you're going to quietly get that bit of paper, It protects his and your children as well as you, unless you're more financially successful and unbothered about NOK and the children's position (forget money, its about who can make all sorts of decisions) should some awful events happen.

Occasional references to 'proper family' but I was very much treated as family, and expected to take part in everything family related etc, apart from one unexpected warning shot event. It was much lower caliber than yours but it publicly exposed that if there was a numbers allocation issue, I didn't make the cut if the chips where down. They tried to pay for me to have something different so I was less left out. It felt clumsy but good intentions so ok.

I took care of my 'MIl' when her offspring and in laws weren't prepared to step up, with everyone's total blessing. I'd earned my place apparently, until something awful happened to my partner.
Then I discovered how swiftly things can turn and what not 'really' being 'proper family' could result in, and the misery and permanent financial and emotional damage and sadness it can leave.
Dc's are left with just memories of a wider family prior to things going wrong.

Newestname002 · 07/01/2024 10:22

Weenurse · 07/01/2024 10:00

Sausage roll definitely

Also get some cheesy "sausage" rolls. Waitrose Entertainment menu has both meat and non-meat options and are both delicious. Don't forget the 🍷!

istara · 07/01/2024 10:25

You'd have such an easier time of it in Australia, where established couples are considered "de facto" in law, and have completely equal rights to married couples (eg being next-of-kin, inheritance etc).

Unfortunately in many jurisdictions you need the piece of paper to get full legal rights.


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whatsappdoc · 07/01/2024 10:32

I would want him to know that the only reason you have spoken to him in the past was because he was part of your family, now that's no longer true I would be ignoring him.

Nonomono · 07/01/2024 10:35

That said, we've just read this post together and have decided that we're going to get married.

So you’ve been together for 23 years and all of those 23 years you’ve both been adamant that you don’t want to get married.

Then in under 2 hours you’ve decided that you definitely are getting married (not even going to discuss it for a few days) and want to light heartedly talk about wedding plans.

There is obviously a backstory here (perhaps you wanted to get married but DP refused) and it sounds like FIL’s comments were very valid.

TempleOfBloom · 07/01/2024 10:38

and unbothered about NOK and the children's position (forget money, its about who can make all sorts of decisions) should some awful events happen.

There is no legal definition of NOK. The OP and her DP can declare each other NOK. They can also (as everyone should) have LPA agreements that govern health and finances should they become incapacitated.

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