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AIBU?

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Original poster

Angry at being told I'm not really part of the family

212 replies

MakingUpTheNumbers · 07/01/2024 08:18

DP and I have been together since uni. 23 years this year. We've got 3 DC, 2 dogs, own our house together etc, etc but we're not married. Not for any particular reason but for both of us it wasn't ever a priority and other parts of our developing lives always seemed more important. We're happy with our lives and we've never had cause to question our arrangement.

Last weekend on NYE we were round at DP"s brothers house, his other siblings were there with their DW and DHs (they're all married) and all the kids. DP was making arrangements with his DSis for us to take their kids for a weekend at the end of Jan and when organised and said to the kids, that they were coming to stay and Uncle Paul and Auntie Numbers and we'd need to plan to do something cool.

In front of everyone including all the kids DP's father who was a bit drunk bellowed and has form for being argumentative. ”Don't call her Auntie, she's not their Auntie, she's of no relation to them, she's actually no relation to any of us"

DP and his siblings called their father out on it and DP's mother pulled me aside to make excuses for it all and apologise but a week on and it's still really bothering me.

I know he's technically right, we're not married, I'm not their Auntie but WIBU to talk to DP's father and ask WTAF?

OP posts:
FiveShelties · 07/01/2024 08:21

I would leave it, he made himself look stupid and everyone saw him look stupid.

Ginmonkeyagain · 07/01/2024 08:21

He is being an arse. My dad had been with his partner for 20 years. She is very much part of our family and we refer to her as our stepmum.

ACynicalDad · 07/01/2024 08:22

Our kids call all sorts Auntie, he’s a knob. But if anything ever happens you’d be much better protected married or civil partnered.

BriceNobeslovesMurielHeslop · 07/01/2024 08:22

He’s a wanker, OP. Does he have an issue with you and DP not being married, rather than you yourself?

Squeaky2023 · 07/01/2024 08:23

It would be a waste of your time. People like these would say the same if you weren't married because you're not "blood".
I am really sorry. It sounds both hurtful and embarrassing to be spoken to like that in front of everyone else.

Don't waste your time on this dickhead.
How did everyone else react?
Is he normally a prick? To you?
What did you and your DP do after this?

ItsNotOkItsNotTheEnd · 07/01/2024 08:23

YANBU for wanting to talk to him about it but would it achieve anything? How drunk was he? It doesn't excuse what he said but if he is unlikely to remember or has a form for being rude and old fashioned I don't think I would waste my energy on it. It was a dumb comment and his kids called him out on it so you have the support of the wider family

cuckyplunt · 07/01/2024 08:23

Well, personally I would marry your DP, it’s going to make life a lot easier as you get older.

Waterlooville · 07/01/2024 08:24

He's an idiot, you are part of the family but it makes no sense at all not to be married in this situation. Which would make me wonder if I was in that family what was 'wrong'. Which I would never say out loud to you in real life.

driftingdownintomiami · 07/01/2024 08:25

As a veteran of an eighteen year partnership (not marriage) with two kids this would piss me off.

NotYourBrain · 07/01/2024 08:26

Up here in the north, your NEIGHBOUR can be your auntie. He can shove it up his arse!

Greycottage · 07/01/2024 08:26

FIL sounds like an arse. No need to talk to him. He’s made a drunken prat of himself.

If I were you I’d go down the registry office and get a marriage certificate just for the legal protection. Don’t need to tell anyone.

IncompleteSenten · 07/01/2024 08:26

Ok you are not legally their aunt by marriage but you most certainly are family and deserving of the auntie 'title'.

If he doesn't see you as family then I'd be petty as fuck and do nothing at all for or with him that 'family' does because fuck him.

Loopytiles · 07/01/2024 08:27

that was a horrible thing for FiL to say/do.

TheOriginalFrench · 07/01/2024 08:28

Presumably your wills, pensions, life insurance, etc, all take account of the fact you’re not married and need to make specific instructions about what must follow if ‘anything happens’ to either of you?

Because as you’ve seen, at times of heightened emotion, or at legal checkpoints, you may find yourselves in difficulty.

Do you know, here and now, whether you’d be the person who gets to decide what happens to your partner in a medical crisis?

TheYearOfSmallThings · 07/01/2024 08:28

He was drunk and stupid, and he's probably of an age where he would rather see you and his son decently married. Pay him no mind, but also don't decide to never get married just to spite him (the thought would occur to me) because you already have all the responsibilities if marriage and you could maybe make your future life easier by marrying your partner, if you have no objection and just haven't got around to it.

Spendonsend · 07/01/2024 08:28

Being charitable is there a chance he was drunkenly trying to say get married to his son.

Tonight1 · 07/01/2024 08:29

He is being stupid, everyone knows it, so I'd leave it.

Is he frequently a drunken knob?!

AllEars112232 · 07/01/2024 08:30

Second all the PPs saying get that piece of paper! Legally, it can be a game changer.
As for your FIL what he said was very, very hurtful, personally I would need to have that conversation with him to clear the air.

witmum · 07/01/2024 08:30

It is for your partner to raise and call out the behaviour.

cutlery · 07/01/2024 08:33

There's no point bringing it up. Some people are just weird about family and the "family tree" and the family name etc.

cutlery · 07/01/2024 08:34

TheOriginalFrench · 07/01/2024 08:28

Presumably your wills, pensions, life insurance, etc, all take account of the fact you’re not married and need to make specific instructions about what must follow if ‘anything happens’ to either of you?

Because as you’ve seen, at times of heightened emotion, or at legal checkpoints, you may find yourselves in difficulty.

Do you know, here and now, whether you’d be the person who gets to decide what happens to your partner in a medical crisis?

Good point

LoudSnoringDog · 07/01/2024 08:35

I’ve been with my DP 25 years. 3 kids, dog, mortgage etc etc. not married

I can’t ever imagine anyone in DPs family coming out with such bollocks.

crumpet · 07/01/2024 08:36

FiveShelties · 07/01/2024 08:21

I would leave it, he made himself look stupid and everyone saw him look stupid.

This

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 07/01/2024 08:36

What your FIL said is cruel and untrue from an emotional perspective. But in practical terms - make sure you’ve checked carefully that your are protected legally and financially given that living together doesn’t afford you the same automatic rights that being married does.

Original poster
MakingUpTheNumbers · 07/01/2024 08:38

Yes, wills, pensions, life insurance all reflect our non married relationship and ensures were both taken care of

He wasn't that drunk. He knew exactly what he was saying.

Funnily enough, because of his life long piss poor behaviour re being overbearing with his children, being argumentative, grouchy with the kids etc he's actually the one amongst us all who's kept at arms length by DP and his siblings etc. Mostly because he's such a prick to have around.

I'd just like to have the satisfaction of challenging him on it and pointing out that while I might not be family, I'm more often than not more welcome in all their lives than he is.

Obviously I won't, it would create havoc and put everyone in a difficult position, especially DP.

OP posts: