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AIBU?

Angry at being told I'm not really part of the family

212 replies

MakingUpTheNumbers · 07/01/2024 08:18

DP and I have been together since uni. 23 years this year. We've got 3 DC, 2 dogs, own our house together etc, etc but we're not married. Not for any particular reason but for both of us it wasn't ever a priority and other parts of our developing lives always seemed more important. We're happy with our lives and we've never had cause to question our arrangement.

Last weekend on NYE we were round at DP"s brothers house, his other siblings were there with their DW and DHs (they're all married) and all the kids. DP was making arrangements with his DSis for us to take their kids for a weekend at the end of Jan and when organised and said to the kids, that they were coming to stay and Uncle Paul and Auntie Numbers and we'd need to plan to do something cool.

In front of everyone including all the kids DP's father who was a bit drunk bellowed and has form for being argumentative. ”Don't call her Auntie, she's not their Auntie, she's of no relation to them, she's actually no relation to any of us"

DP and his siblings called their father out on it and DP's mother pulled me aside to make excuses for it all and apologise but a week on and it's still really bothering me.

I know he's technically right, we're not married, I'm not their Auntie but WIBU to talk to DP's father and ask WTAF?

OP posts:
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Am I being unreasonable?

1936 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
11%
You are NOT being unreasonable
89%
Ellie1015 · 07/01/2024 09:00

Sounds like FIL is not someone you respect and has form for saying stupid things. This is just another one. It wouldn't bother me as I dont respect his opinion.

I would be happy to see dh, siblings and partners and mil speak up for the fact i moat definitely am family.

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CountFucula · 07/01/2024 09:02

Really sad that your MIL is making his apologies for him and feeling bad because something he did and yet he is shielded because THEY ARE ALL AFRAID OF HIM. Name it for what it is. I see it so often with patriarchs - their family tie themselves in knots to protect them for facing their own behaviour. So in my mind if you're going to discuss it with him, discuss that. He won’t like it one bit. Something like, “I find it interesting that your whole family have apologised for you. Have they told you they were upset about what you said or are they too afraid of you to do so?”

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mottytotty · 07/01/2024 09:03

MakingUpTheNumbers · 07/01/2024 08:38

Yes, wills, pensions, life insurance all reflect our non married relationship and ensures were both taken care of

He wasn't that drunk. He knew exactly what he was saying.

Funnily enough, because of his life long piss poor behaviour re being overbearing with his children, being argumentative, grouchy with the kids etc he's actually the one amongst us all who's kept at arms length by DP and his siblings etc. Mostly because he's such a prick to have around.

I'd just like to have the satisfaction of challenging him on it and pointing out that while I might not be family, I'm more often than not more welcome in all their lives than he is.

Obviously I won't, it would create havoc and put everyone in a difficult position, especially DP.

Feeling sorry for MIL now. Is he bad to her too? Does she cook and clean and he does nothing?

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milkywinterdisorder · 07/01/2024 09:04

DH and I have been married almost 20 years. DH mentioned having nephews once and his sister told him that they weren’t actually his nephews: my brother’s kids “don’t count”. Sometimes even being married doesn’t make you part of the family…

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BruceAndNosh · 07/01/2024 09:05

Look on the bright side, that the wanker isn't ACTUALLY your father in law

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determinedtomakethiswork · 07/01/2024 09:08

If anything happened to your husband, then you have had a taste of what will be the reaction from this man. He wouldn't want you involved in the funeral, he would question the will, he would think that other people should get the house etc. The fact he's wrong doesn't actually change things because he would kick off to such an extent that everything would be so much more difficult for you.

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CountFucula · 07/01/2024 09:11

determinedtomakethiswork · 07/01/2024 09:08

If anything happened to your husband, then you have had a taste of what will be the reaction from this man. He wouldn't want you involved in the funeral, he would question the will, he would think that other people should get the house etc. The fact he's wrong doesn't actually change things because he would kick off to such an extent that everything would be so much more difficult for you.

This is a very good point.

I’d either get married in absolute secrecy - more as a legal than a romantic occasion- and never ever tell him. Or make sure the legalities were absolutely watertight. The former being more satisfying for feeling smug if he ever dares bring it up again.

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novhange · 07/01/2024 09:11

milkywinterdisorder · 07/01/2024 09:04

DH and I have been married almost 20 years. DH mentioned having nephews once and his sister told him that they weren’t actually his nephews: my brother’s kids “don’t count”. Sometimes even being married doesn’t make you part of the family…

Wow, she’s a twat. I hope he told her he considers them as nephews.

When exH and I were together, I was very fond of some of his niblings, but I only saw them once or twice a year due to distance. Whereas I saw my niblings since the day the were born, changed their nappies, babysat etc, as we all lived within walking distance.

But if I’d stayed married to exH, I would have loved his niblings too. I’m sad at not seeing some of them anymore, but it isn’t practical.

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TheaBrandt · 07/01/2024 09:13

Most clients in your set up just get married or enter a civil partnership. Otherwise if one if you gets ill you will be racing to do a deathbed marriage. Unmarried couples get absolutely whacked for iht unless your estate is modest. If you are married there’s no tax at all until the second death and your allowances merged. I’ve known unmarried couples have to sell the house on the first death. It’s quite mad not to married in your position.

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JFDIYOLO · 07/01/2024 09:14

I'd say do the register and Gregg's thing and invite everyone but him to it.

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Darby3785 · 07/01/2024 09:15

I can imagine how upsetting this was yo hear OP. I would leave it if talking to him isn't going to change anything. If his own family keep him at arms length then that tells you what you need to know. I know you want the satisfaction of calling him out but it's not worth it.

If the kids see you as their auntie then that's good enough! You don't all of a sudden become a "blood relative" upon marriage. They clearly sound very excited to come and spend some time with you and your DP! Hope you find something cool to do together 😊

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Cas112 · 07/01/2024 09:17

Leave it, he was pissed, he will be embarrassed

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FishIsForCatsNotDogs · 07/01/2024 09:19

He's a grade A twat. Rather than go down the registry office route though I'd be tempted to do a civil partnership. Legally covered for all eventualities but he doesn't get to think he's "won".

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ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 07/01/2024 09:19

A person who thinks like this will not back down if 'challenged'. Best to let it go.

I knew of a guy who had been with his girlfriend for 10 years yet his parents didn't see her as part of the family, even though they lived together etc. They were nice to her etc but she was definitely on the outside. They split up and he married his new gf about three years later, new wife was welcomed into the family 'properly' with open arms.

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Willyoubuymeahouseofgold · 07/01/2024 09:20

Had been with my partner 18 years and when his (train wreck) brother got married , DP's Dad hugged the new bride and said "At last ... Another proper Mrs Smith."
🤯 I have never forgiven or forgotten that remark although have a nice, gentle relationship now.
The "Proper Mrs Smith " was as chaotic and crazy as her husband,so that only lasted long enough to give everyone heart ache and tears.

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ZenNudist · 07/01/2024 09:20

He was horrible and wrong. If they drew a family tree you'd be on it. You are part of that. Secondly the title of auntie is applied with and without blood relationship. There are a lot of people I was encouraged to call auntie and uncle who are actually family friends. Definitely my neighbours from childhood are auntie and uncle to me.

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JoyeuxNarwhal · 07/01/2024 09:22

Sure you could talk to him. It won't make any difference though. The fact everyone else stood up for you is much more important imo than dickish words from a drunken twat of a bloke.

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LadyEloise1 · 07/01/2024 09:22

BruceAndNosh · 07/01/2024 09:05

Look on the bright side, that the wanker isn't ACTUALLY your father in law

Love it 😂

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saraclara · 07/01/2024 09:23

But don’t worry, when you’re needing care I’ll remember you aren’t family

Normally I bristle at the idea of threatening older people with care related stuff. But in this case it would be an entirely justified response should he ever make the same comment again.

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Allwelcone · 07/01/2024 09:28

My mil once mused out loud where our dc's musical ability came from.
I mentioned I play a bit and have a load of direct rellies who were music teachers, one a pro concert pianist.
She said 'I wasn't asking about YOUR family' as if my genes had nothing to do with it!.
She suffers from low self esteem, your PIL probably feels threatened in some way

Get married if YOU want op not due to home and let his comments slide off you, why do you care what he thinks, he was called out at least.

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JustEatTheOneInTheBallPit · 07/01/2024 09:28

You’re just suffering from that feeling where all the best comebacks dawn on you as you’re driving away. It isn’t worth the air.

My husband and I sent kids to grandparents for a weekend and went away for 2 nights “before the next baby is born”.

We drove to the border, got a plush hotel in Carlisle and were married in secret at Gretna Green the next day. It was tacky and wonderful. We toasted with sugar free Irn Bru (for the preggo) and a dram for my new husband. Then we had a wedding breakfast of cheese sarnies and deep fried Mars bars in a local cafe.

Because of my obvious “being in a family way” ALL of the tourists wanted my photo at the gift shop.

It was quite literally the best day of my life. It was hilarious. I laughed so much I actually wet myself. 😳

10/10 can recommend.

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yepmeagain · 07/01/2024 09:29

cuckyplunt · 07/01/2024 08:23

Well, personally I would marry your DP, it’s going to make life a lot easier as you get older.

This.

I really wished people understood the absolute NIGHTMARE that lands on you if something happens to your partner? You have no idea!

And it doesn't have to be death, if couples don't have a POA for health/finance and something happens (e.g. stroke etc) the cost, stress, time and unbelievable hassle of trying to get an agreement through the Court of Protection is a nightmare.

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Goatymum · 07/01/2024 09:29

Anyone can be called an auntie so that’s complete BS.I called my mum’s best friend ‘auntie’ for years as a kid.
He’s being a dick & you need to ignore. Sometimes I’m not even sure if people are married, or forget, it’s such a nothing (I have a v close friend who has been w her partner for years and they have DC - people sometimes refer to her ‘husband’ - who cares!).

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AnnaMagnani · 07/01/2024 09:31

Leave it. You already knew he is a prick, a conversation isn't going to change that.

Enjoy that the rest of the family all told him he was wrong.

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Kwasi · 07/01/2024 09:32

That's awful.

DB and bis GF have been together longer than me and DH (and are a lot more stable and compatible) but DH won't let DS call her auntie. It really pisses me off and, of course, I ignore him.

MIL, on the other hand, refers to all her friends as Auntie so and so to DS even though he's never met them. DH never corrects her.

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