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Angry at being told I'm not really part of the family

212 replies

MakingUpTheNumbers · 07/01/2024 08:18

DP and I have been together since uni. 23 years this year. We've got 3 DC, 2 dogs, own our house together etc, etc but we're not married. Not for any particular reason but for both of us it wasn't ever a priority and other parts of our developing lives always seemed more important. We're happy with our lives and we've never had cause to question our arrangement.

Last weekend on NYE we were round at DP"s brothers house, his other siblings were there with their DW and DHs (they're all married) and all the kids. DP was making arrangements with his DSis for us to take their kids for a weekend at the end of Jan and when organised and said to the kids, that they were coming to stay and Uncle Paul and Auntie Numbers and we'd need to plan to do something cool.

In front of everyone including all the kids DP's father who was a bit drunk bellowed and has form for being argumentative. ”Don't call her Auntie, she's not their Auntie, she's of no relation to them, she's actually no relation to any of us"

DP and his siblings called their father out on it and DP's mother pulled me aside to make excuses for it all and apologise but a week on and it's still really bothering me.

I know he's technically right, we're not married, I'm not their Auntie but WIBU to talk to DP's father and ask WTAF?

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?

1936 votes. Final results.

You are being unreasonable
You are NOT being unreasonable
Fifteenth · 07/01/2024 13:06

MakingUpTheNumbers · 07/01/2024 09:57

I agree r.e. marriage/civil partnership and how it makes sense for most couples and provides security and benefits for both halves.

For us, for a variety of reasons it doesn't bring the same level of advantages.

That said, we've just read this post together and have decided that we're going to get married. Definitely not because of the NYE comments but because we've talked about it on and off for the last year or so .......kinda in the same vein as we talked about decorating the living room. DP is currently painting the ceiling in there so while we're on a roll of making 2023 plans happen we might as well make it 2 for 2! 😂

Now for the most important part of the day's decisions......will it be a celebratory sausage roll or steak bake?


great news!

Nonamesleft1 · 07/01/2024 13:17

wronginalltherightways · 07/01/2024 13:02

Not being married is going to cost you when one of you dies because that is how UK law is set up re inheritances.

I'd quietly get married, tbh.

Is it?

firstly it only really matters if you have sole assets- if everything is joint it automatically passes to the survivor, there is no will (everything in sole name will pass to kids), and sole assets are above £325k/£500k including property.

a will can sort that issue out.

I am leaving everything to my dc. Being married will only matter if I die before dh, and my assets are over £500k, including property.

if I ever do get to that point, I’ll make arrangements to reduce my assets or put them in trust for the children so IHT limits are not exceeded.

inheritances are easily solved by writing a will and sorting in advance.

WombatBombat · 07/01/2024 13:18

Get married on 29th Feb this year, means you don’t then have to celebrate every year if you don’t want to!

GreggsWedding · 07/01/2024 13:27

I wonder if this thread has spawned a new bit of MN slang?

I wish you every happiness with your Greggs Wedding

PinkArt · 07/01/2024 13:50

JG4 · 07/01/2024 12:47

Not related to your question , but I just had a thought : do you know that in the event of his death you would not inherit anything or be protected in any way ? Lots of people in this country believe that after a certain number of years there is a thing called a ‘common law marriage ‘ , no such thing exists . Same applies in the event of separation. I just thought I would let you know , just in case xx

OPs posts show she's very aware of this and that they have put all relevant paperwork in place re wills etc. Yes being married makes some things like that more straightforward and comes with some financial benefits, but this is clearly not a couple with their heads in the sand.

Gymnopedie · 07/01/2024 13:53

wronginalltherightways · 07/01/2024 13:02

Not being married is going to cost you when one of you dies because that is how UK law is set up re inheritances.

I'd quietly get married, tbh.

Have you not heard of wills?

DP and I were together for nearly 44 years when he died suddenly. I was aunty to his sister's DCs from the day they were born, ditto him being uncle to my sister's kids. To the hospital I was NOK. Joint tenants on the house.

We'd been together since uni and felt if it ain't broke don't fix it.

FreshWinterMorning · 07/01/2024 14:20

Gosh he is a bit rude isn't he @MakingUpTheNumbers ??? After a quarter century you are not classed as being part of the family? Sad My son-in-law who married my DD recently, AND my other DD's fiancé have been 'family' to me for some years now. I'd say since they moved in together (both 2 and 3 years after meeting.)

I would say get married though, for all the reasons cited on here from many posters. Because your relationship will not be taken really seriously by some.

I have known one couple who were together for 20 years and not married, and another couple together 7 years and married. (I worked with both of the women.) In both couples, the man died 2-3 years ago.

The second couple were taken far more seriously by their families, and friends, and the law.

When their husbands died, widow 2 who had been married 5 years and with him for 7, got much more sympathy from everyone - colleagues, friends, neighbours, and family, and more time off work etc, as well as financial benefits.

Widow 1 (together 20 years with her man, never married,) got naff-all. Not even any rights to his possessions or property or money or pension. And the employer didn't allow her a single second off work. She got no sympathy from ANYone, as people said 'well, it's not like you were married is it?' She was not even allowed to decide how or where he was buried... Or if he was to be buried or cremated.

She really had no more rights than a flatmate at the end of the day.

As has been said, although it sounds like it's from 'the 50s' (it's always the 50s LOL!) if you don't live within the law, you can't expect the law to protect you. And as a poster said further back - you can't have your cake and eat it. If you don't want to be married, some family members in your 'boyfriend's' family will not class you as family. They are entitled to that view. (I don't agree FWIW.)

caringcarer · 07/01/2024 14:33

ACynicalDad · 07/01/2024 08:22

Our kids call all sorts Auntie, he’s a knob. But if anything ever happens you’d be much better protected married or civil partnered.


caringcarer · 07/01/2024 14:34

MakingUpTheNumbers · 07/01/2024 08:38

Yes, wills, pensions, life insurance all reflect our non married relationship and ensures were both taken care of

He wasn't that drunk. He knew exactly what he was saying.

Funnily enough, because of his life long piss poor behaviour re being overbearing with his children, being argumentative, grouchy with the kids etc he's actually the one amongst us all who's kept at arms length by DP and his siblings etc. Mostly because he's such a prick to have around.

I'd just like to have the satisfaction of challenging him on it and pointing out that while I might not be family, I'm more often than not more welcome in all their lives than he is.

Obviously I won't, it would create havoc and put everyone in a difficult position, especially DP.

But the amount you can leave a spouse is different for IT purposes.

Nonamesleft1 · 07/01/2024 14:49

caringcarer · 07/01/2024 14:34

But the amount you can leave a spouse is different for IT purposes.

if you and your partner have everything in joint names none of that comes under IHT.

if you have over £325k/500k including property in your sole name then anything over that is taxed, if you are not married.

so you can put your house and savings in joint names, or get married. Same difference.

i am married but am not leaving my house, in my sole name, to dh. So even though I’m married I will still need to make sure that if my house value exceeds £500k I take steps to safeguard that. Being married has actually made my circumstances more difficult as I need to keep my will up to date and relevant parties informed, as I do not want the default, which is for dh to inherit everything.

so depending on your circumstances marriage may affect IHT, but there are many simple remedies other than marriage.

wronginalltherightways · 07/01/2024 15:41

Gymnopedie · 07/01/2024 13:53

Have you not heard of wills?

DP and I were together for nearly 44 years when he died suddenly. I was aunty to his sister's DCs from the day they were born, ditto him being uncle to my sister's kids. To the hospital I was NOK. Joint tenants on the house.

We'd been together since uni and felt if it ain't broke don't fix it.

Inheritance tax rules. Government spousal payments due to a spouses untimely death when you still have minor children at home.

martinisforeveryone · 07/01/2024 16:11

Congrats @MakingUpTheNumbers on your impending marriage and the fact you do have some good people around you. Unfortunately I had experience of a toxic in law like your future FIL. Whoever said it, nailed it, you can choose your friends but not your 'family'

While I'm here it seems a good place to ask if anyone's tried the Festive Bake at Greggs? That would've been very celebratory if it's still on offer, if it's nice.
Otherwise, I'd go for the cheese and onion one, the pattern on top's very elegant as well as the filling.

Dixiechickonhols · 07/01/2024 16:11

wronginalltherightways · 07/01/2024 15:41

Inheritance tax rules. Government spousal payments due to a spouses untimely death when you still have minor children at home.

Bereavement support allowance (aka widows benefit) was extended to unmarried parents in 2023 after the Supreme Court case a few years ago.

wronginalltherightways · 07/01/2024 16:27

Ah, so that's a relatively new change this year. Good to know!

cavalier · 08/01/2024 18:28

He’s a bully

NoraWaves · 08/01/2024 18:36

Technically you are just his sons girlfriend but that's mean of him to say infront of everyone. For him to say that there must have been a private discussion with someone at some point.

HowAmYa · 08/01/2024 18:36

MakingUpTheNumbers · 07/01/2024 08:45

We'd actually talked about this back in the autumn. Registry office at lunch, quick sandwich at Greggs and both of us back to work. 😁

Need to keep it secret of we do, would hate the thought of DP's father thinking he'd initiated it with his nonsense

Can I just say OP, DP and I are planning a wedding on the next couple years and of all big/small weddings I've read about over the years on MN, nothing has appealed to me more than yours of a wedding on your lunchbreak and a sandwich at greggs 😂.
Don't get me wrong a wedding with a first dance and a lovely dress is amazing but I ADORE the idea of legalities being done on a lunchbreak with a kiss and a sandwich and then meeting back up after work for a normal evening at home with the added amazingness of giggling over how we got quietly married that day and spoke to Sandra at the water cooler later that afternoon about what Jason the perv said about Sharon 🤣

Couldn't be more perfect.

Platypuslover · 08/01/2024 19:00

Married or not you are their aunt as the mother of your cousin is your aunt. Just saying.

Kentmum23 · 08/01/2024 19:15

Totally agree

Stellastag · 08/01/2024 19:23

That is so stupid. You are totally family!!! Being together that long with kids etc that is exactly what family is!! Be petty play up to it and agree with him. Just at him at his game it’ll be more and fun and don’t let him upset you again. My best friends since I was 17 I’m now 45 are more family to me than some actual blood relatives.

McYummy · 08/01/2024 19:34

I can relate OP. I did 26 years unmarried, during which I had to endure a number of comments about my validity in the family even after I produced the grandchildren. I just laughed it off each time, but it did annoy me. We did get married last year - more to make some of the life admin simpler than anything else as neither DH or I give a shit about the "being married" aspect. When we booked the registry office, the plan was to not involve anyone, get it done in a morning and be back at work by the afternoon. But in the end, we invited all the parents to join us for a nice lunch so they could tell their friends they went to our "wedding". It made no difference to us (other than a lovely lunch), but made a huge difference to them. I think we averted endless future snide comments about our "wedding" by making them feel part of it.

Thepossibility · 08/01/2024 19:36

He is a silly old man. My sister's long term DP is my kids favourite uncle. He's actually all of our favourite extended family member full stop.
They have a “real" Aunty in Dh's sister that they will probably never ever know. She is not their family, they would walk past her in the street.


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Stellastag · 08/01/2024 19:48

Oooo congratulations!!! Just read your second post. Go for it!! And get both sausage roll and steak bake 😆

TheaBrandt · 08/01/2024 22:21

Noname did you take advice on your will? If you leave your share of the house directly to the children where is your DH supposed to live? So an elderly man will be booted out of his home? He would be well advised to make a claim for reasonable provision jn those circumstances, and as a long term spouse he would succeed.

You need to give him a life interest in your half that way you get your full IHT exemption, he can live in the house until he dies/goes into care but your half is protected for the children to inherit after he has died. Your current solution is inadvisable.

changeme4this · 08/01/2024 22:36

If this helps you any, DH was legally adopted as a newborn and several years ago a maternal aunt told him he wasn’t part of the family. Her sister was unable to keep her pregnancies so adoption was the only answer.

He has been excluded from benefiting from the family trusts that his cousins are beneficiaries of. He has no relationship with his birth biological side so it’s not like he has a foot in each camp do to speak.

people can be real knobs.

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