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Angry at being told I'm not really part of the family

212 replies

MakingUpTheNumbers · 07/01/2024 08:18

DP and I have been together since uni. 23 years this year. We've got 3 DC, 2 dogs, own our house together etc, etc but we're not married. Not for any particular reason but for both of us it wasn't ever a priority and other parts of our developing lives always seemed more important. We're happy with our lives and we've never had cause to question our arrangement.

Last weekend on NYE we were round at DP"s brothers house, his other siblings were there with their DW and DHs (they're all married) and all the kids. DP was making arrangements with his DSis for us to take their kids for a weekend at the end of Jan and when organised and said to the kids, that they were coming to stay and Uncle Paul and Auntie Numbers and we'd need to plan to do something cool.

In front of everyone including all the kids DP's father who was a bit drunk bellowed and has form for being argumentative. ”Don't call her Auntie, she's not their Auntie, she's of no relation to them, she's actually no relation to any of us"

DP and his siblings called their father out on it and DP's mother pulled me aside to make excuses for it all and apologise but a week on and it's still really bothering me.

I know he's technically right, we're not married, I'm not their Auntie but WIBU to talk to DP's father and ask WTAF?

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?

1936 votes. Final results.

You are being unreasonable
You are NOT being unreasonable
novhange · 07/01/2024 09:34

saraclara · 07/01/2024 09:23

But don’t worry, when you’re needing care I’ll remember you aren’t family

Normally I bristle at the idea of threatening older people with care related stuff. But in this case it would be an entirely justified response should he ever make the same comment again.

I don’t think people in MN actually advise threatening older people with care related staff, they just say make a mental note to not give care to older relatives who don’t deserve it.

I speak as a carer to my own lovely elderly mum, along with my siblings. She will likely move in with me as she gets older.

ChocolateCinderToffee · 07/01/2024 09:35

I’d have your small wedding and not invite him.

ColleenDonaghy · 07/01/2024 09:35

I'd leave it. You already know he's a nob, everyone else already knows he's a nob and the readiness with which the rest of the family disagreed shows they do very much see you as family.

Roll your eyes and move on, don't give him a second thought.

DreamItDoIt · 07/01/2024 09:37

For many women marriage protects them however posters on here don't know OPs situation - she could be the higher earner and / or have her own wealth. Marriage may not be in her best interests.

How many people on here are married and have a will protecting their children's interests should they die and their partner re marry? More important imo.

Secondly being married does not mean you have authority to make financial or health decisions - you need a POA for that. There is a big misconception on this, although I get the impression that this is randomly enforced.

Anyway your FIL is nasty, recognised by all. I would simply say 'as you can see no-one agees with you, so next time perhaps keep your nasty comments to yourself'.

CaramelMac · 07/01/2024 09:37

Well he was wrong, wasn’t he? Because you’re the mother of his grandchildren so you’re related to them all through the children. And yes he sounds like a massive knob but it also sounds like he would have got both barrels from his wife and children so I think you’ve still come out on top without saying anything.

However I would still recommend getting married, you don’t realise how important it is until it’s too late.

Mikimoto · 07/01/2024 09:37

Also an appalling example to give in front of all the kids: suggesting a relationship is "less" due to not having a wedding cert.

decionsdecisions62 · 07/01/2024 09:37

Maybe he doesn't feel part of the family? He's projecting.

SoFar2024IsABitCrap · 07/01/2024 09:39

 Imagine telling the mother of your grandchildren she’s not part of your family.

Together 30 years, married for 26, 2 DC. I have been told this to my face many, many times. My P/SIL's seem to think they gave birth to my DC, and I am just some wet nurse who has to be tolerated. It hurt for a long time.

However, what goes around, come around.

DH and I are the only ones to have DC, their DGC, their nieces and nephews.

I am not family, not blood, so vice versa right? As far as I am concerned my in-laws are not my family, and I need do nothing for them. No facilitating, no present buying, no arranging meet-ups, nothing. I grin and bare it when I see them, but my DC are not close to them because they don't really like them, and I don't facilitate things, and my DH is lazy.

If I am lucky to have DGC, I hope I will treat their mum/dad like gold. I also know that I will do everything in my power to keep my in-laws away from my own DGC and keep them to myself as they don't deserve it. It is a hill I am prepared to die on.

OverTheGrip · 07/01/2024 09:41

It seems that no-one actually agrees with him.
I find the best solution in this situation is to talk to him one2one, on your own about it.

Ask him why he feels like this.

MaryHinges · 07/01/2024 09:42

Sadly as hurtful as this is, you'd be wasting your time asking WTAF to an abusive drunk who has form for this and who's wife makes excuses for it. By all means let them know how hurt you are by not speaking to him ever again but don't waste your breath explaining why.

Aydel · 07/01/2024 09:43

Your FIL is an arse.

But you are better off married or in a civil partnership. My friend’s DP of 30 years dropped dead suddenly the other week. She’s not NOK. His estranged brother is. She has no legal status whatsoever, so hospital etc have been dealing with the brother, who looks to benefit from the death in service benefit, as Friend’s DP hadn’t got around to appointing a beneficiary.

Spomsored · 07/01/2024 09:45

What an eejit. Sounds like the rest of the family were angry with him too. I wouldn't take it personally but if he ever says something similar again I might respond that the only thing putting me off marriage is the thought of having a knob for a FiL

Janieforever · 07/01/2024 09:46

Thing is op if you do mention it you give him the pleasure of knowing he bothered you and he will think the only reason your upset is you want to be married and his son is refusing. That you desperately want to be part of the family legally

I’d not be worried about the comment, I’d worry about what caused him to say it.

MoonWoman69 · 07/01/2024 09:50

Huh? Ohhh I get you! You mean if OP and her DP had a child, (can't remember if they do or not, sorry, full of cold, not taking much in!) then that's where the "related" comes in? Mmm, I'd say by marriage, rather than blood, but I know what you meant!

LikeagoddamnVampire · 07/01/2024 09:51

NotYourBrain · 07/01/2024 08:26

Up here in the north, your NEIGHBOUR can be your auntie. He can shove it up his arse!

I'm Scottish. Your Mum's best mate is your Auntie. Grin

mottytotty · 07/01/2024 09:52

LikeagoddamnVampire · 07/01/2024 09:51

I'm Scottish. Your Mum's best mate is your Auntie. Grin


LikeagoddamnVampire · 07/01/2024 09:53

TheOriginalFrench · 07/01/2024 08:28

Presumably your wills, pensions, life insurance, etc, all take account of the fact you’re not married and need to make specific instructions about what must follow if ‘anything happens’ to either of you?

Because as you’ve seen, at times of heightened emotion, or at legal checkpoints, you may find yourselves in difficulty.

Do you know, here and now, whether you’d be the person who gets to decide what happens to your partner in a medical crisis?

Yes this is what would bother me, not FIL being a prick. It can be a nightmare if you're not married.

A friend had to stand aside and watch someone else make medical decisions as "next of kin" for her partner of 20+ years. That was a while ago so not sure if things have changed now. I doubt it.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 07/01/2024 09:55

I would get married if I were you-it’s not just wills etc. unless you’ve also done a power of attorney giving you rights if your DP had an accident for example. Otherwise it will be your FIL making medical decisions for him.

wellhello24 · 07/01/2024 09:56

He’s a cunt. End of the story x

MakingUpTheNumbers · 07/01/2024 09:57

I agree r.e. marriage/civil partnership and how it makes sense for most couples and provides security and benefits for both halves.

For us, for a variety of reasons it doesn't bring the same level of advantages.

That said, we've just read this post together and have decided that we're going to get married. Definitely not because of the NYE comments but because we've talked about it on and off for the last year or so .......kinda in the same vein as we talked about decorating the living room. DP is currently painting the ceiling in there so while we're on a roll of making 2023 plans happen we might as well make it 2 for 2! 😂

Now for the most important part of the day's decisions......will it be a celebratory sausage roll or steak bake?

OP posts:
FancyJapflack · 07/01/2024 10:00

Be the bigger person…

ignore it…

he’s shown himself up….

don’t say anything…


Why does he get off Scot free? I’d absolutely bring it up in whatever way that would make him squirm the most. Point out that his behaviour had led to you being more welcome than he is. Tell him chapter and verse.

Then get married and make sure he’s the only one not invited.

Spiteful? Hell yes. And?

user8800 · 07/01/2024 10:00

Echoing pp marriage will give you both legal protections

It's can be a lunchtime registry office job costing less than £100

I'd do it and not tell anyone then next time some twat fil comes out with that you can sweetly say you are married actually 😀


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Weenurse · 07/01/2024 10:00

Sausage roll definitely

MsAli · 07/01/2024 10:01

MakingUpTheNumbers · 07/01/2024 08:38

Yes, wills, pensions, life insurance all reflect our non married relationship and ensures were both taken care of

He wasn't that drunk. He knew exactly what he was saying.

Funnily enough, because of his life long piss poor behaviour re being overbearing with his children, being argumentative, grouchy with the kids etc he's actually the one amongst us all who's kept at arms length by DP and his siblings etc. Mostly because he's such a prick to have around.

I'd just like to have the satisfaction of challenging him on it and pointing out that while I might not be family, I'm more often than not more welcome in all their lives than he is.

Obviously I won't, it would create havoc and put everyone in a difficult position, especially DP.

I'd have said exactly that to him OP. Havoc come what may.

TheOriginalFrench · 07/01/2024 10:02


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