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AIBU?

Angry at being told I'm not really part of the family

212 replies

MakingUpTheNumbers · 07/01/2024 08:18

DP and I have been together since uni. 23 years this year. We've got 3 DC, 2 dogs, own our house together etc, etc but we're not married. Not for any particular reason but for both of us it wasn't ever a priority and other parts of our developing lives always seemed more important. We're happy with our lives and we've never had cause to question our arrangement.

Last weekend on NYE we were round at DP"s brothers house, his other siblings were there with their DW and DHs (they're all married) and all the kids. DP was making arrangements with his DSis for us to take their kids for a weekend at the end of Jan and when organised and said to the kids, that they were coming to stay and Uncle Paul and Auntie Numbers and we'd need to plan to do something cool.

In front of everyone including all the kids DP's father who was a bit drunk bellowed and has form for being argumentative. ”Don't call her Auntie, she's not their Auntie, she's of no relation to them, she's actually no relation to any of us"

DP and his siblings called their father out on it and DP's mother pulled me aside to make excuses for it all and apologise but a week on and it's still really bothering me.

I know he's technically right, we're not married, I'm not their Auntie but WIBU to talk to DP's father and ask WTAF?

OP posts:
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Am I being unreasonable?

1936 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
11%
You are NOT being unreasonable
89%
Susuwatariandkodama · 07/01/2024 10:45

For me, Auntie and Uncle isn’t a title that is solely for my parents siblings and their spouses, I called all of my parents friends auntie and uncle.
My DH is from South Africa and every adult in your life is called auntie or uncle there purely out of respect.

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Dixiechickonhols · 07/01/2024 10:45

I suspect if you were married he’d say you are not blood.
Have you got power of attorney?
I’d take it as a red flag that he may try and pull he’s your partner’s next of kin and try and take over in hospital or funeral arrangements. If you travel abroad and anything happens to your boyfriend they may not be as pragmatic as hospitals here and only deal with legal next of kin. You could find yourself shut out.

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Susuwatariandkodama · 07/01/2024 10:45

I forgot to add that no matter what he thinks you are their aunt and marriage has no bearings on that title.

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Cornettoninja · 07/01/2024 10:58

Imo being the mother of their cousins makes you their ‘blood linked’ auntie if someone was so bothered by such things. Mostly though the man’s a massive twat who should be thoroughly ignored and only ever bought Poundland shite as presents. Or adopted donkey certificates (‘cause he’s an ass Grin)

Get married for your own reasons and enjoy your Greggs wedding breakfast!

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JFDIYOLO · 07/01/2024 10:58

What does he think they are - werewolves?

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Pencilltime · 07/01/2024 11:02

You cannot have your cake and eat it. You are not married so you are not part of the family. If you don’t like it, change it.

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Dustybarn · 07/01/2024 11:04

Well you are the mother of his grandchildren or does he not recognize them because they are born out of wedlock? What an insufferable asshole.

Congratulations and I vote for sausage rolls with champagne!

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cutlery · 07/01/2024 11:07

Pencilltime · 07/01/2024 11:02

You cannot have your cake and eat it. You are not married so you are not part of the family. If you don’t like it, change it.

Shes not having her cake and eating it.. the uncle is being an arse

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mottytotty · 07/01/2024 11:09

Pencilltime · 07/01/2024 11:02

You cannot have your cake and eat it. You are not married so you are not part of the family. If you don’t like it, change it.

Do you think an unmarried couple with children aren’t a family?

What are they then, cohabiting adults and children?

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DeadButDelicious · 07/01/2024 11:11

He's being a dick. My DD calls my best mate Auntie! You are their cousins mother, that makes you a relation in my book.

Congratulations on your upcoming wedding and I vote for sausage roll and to push the boat out with a yum yum! 👍🏻

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Worriedmum79 · 07/01/2024 11:13

firstly, I’d get married. Secondly, I wouldn’t invite the pisshead. Finally, I wouldn’t give him a second thought.

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Topseyt123 · 07/01/2024 11:13

I personally wouldn't waste your breath arguing with him. You really can't argue with stupid, and he does sound stupid. He's nasty and bigoted too.

I'd just enjoy going to get married secretly within the next year and definitely not telling him. Then, I would just love to see the look on his face when he next makes one of his dickish remarks and you inform him matter of factly that actually, he is wrong and you are legally married.

My own FIL (RIP) used to say "don't get angry, get even." I rather like that outlook and do set some store by it although anger is still totally justifiable too.

I vote for sausage rolls and champagne. Great combo.

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Jk8 · 07/01/2024 11:14

Sorry but I wouldnt consider you family these days either as I've cut down massively on this sort having grown up with 100+ halfs/step/ex cousins & siblings of 'whoever' ontop of spouses/exs/partners of 'so & so'
but I get alot of other people would HOWEVER its been 23 years either piss or get off the pot if you want to be a fully fledged member of each others familys

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mottytotty · 07/01/2024 11:16

Jk8 · 07/01/2024 11:14

Sorry but I wouldnt consider you family these days either as I've cut down massively on this sort having grown up with 100+ halfs/step/ex cousins & siblings of 'whoever' ontop of spouses/exs/partners of 'so & so'
but I get alot of other people would HOWEVER its been 23 years either piss or get off the pot if you want to be a fully fledged member of each others familys

Your situation is irrelevant. OP is talking about her husband’s siblings and their spouses, who all consider her family.

If you don’t consider your brother’s partner as family then you’re just as bad as OP’s dp’s father.

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LlynTegid · 07/01/2024 11:20

Steak bake I prefer over sausage rolls, each to their own I suppose.

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PrincessCharlette · 07/01/2024 11:23

Respect for not saying anything : I'd have come straight back in direct Anglo Saxon.

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Jk8 · 07/01/2024 11:25

mottytotty · 07/01/2024 11:16

Your situation is irrelevant. OP is talking about her husband’s siblings and their spouses, who all consider her family.

If you don’t consider your brother’s partner as family then you’re just as bad as OP’s dp’s father.

OPs already been defended - in person & at the time (mumsnets highest accomplishment) - by the husband & his siblings but is still looking for validation that despite not being married & having her own life & kids/family obligations that shes still considered 100% an auntie & no I would personally consider her that.

I would consider her a friend if I knew her personally
So & so's girlfriend/partner if that's how they've choosen to live or '1, 2 & 3's mum' if our kids were cousins but not related to me personally & not fully in the family either

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mottytotty · 07/01/2024 11:28

Jk8 · 07/01/2024 11:25

OPs already been defended - in person & at the time (mumsnets highest accomplishment) - by the husband & his siblings but is still looking for validation that despite not being married & having her own life & kids/family obligations that shes still considered 100% an auntie & no I would personally consider her that.

I would consider her a friend if I knew her personally
So & so's girlfriend/partner if that's how they've choosen to live or '1, 2 & 3's mum' if our kids were cousins but not related to me personally & not fully in the family either

Have you told your siblings’ partners that you don’t consider them family but only consider them as friends?

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Vegemiteandhoneyontoast · 07/01/2024 11:28

LlynTegid · 07/01/2024 11:20

Steak bake I prefer over sausage rolls, each to their own I suppose.

I'd go for the sausage rolls and have HP sauce with them.

For our do, we went to a pub which had a proper oven and had pizza, which was delicious.

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Moveoverdarlin · 07/01/2024 11:28

He sounds an asshole. Don’t call him out, you just don’t need to. However for all those things he said is EXACTLY why I wanted to get married. I didn’t want to have children with a boyfriend, or be called a partner.

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Echobelly · 07/01/2024 11:31

It was a horrid thing to say, but the important thing is that the family seems to have all sided with you.

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user1492757084 · 07/01/2024 11:31

Forget about it.
They were the words of a drunk, rude man and everyone else was on your side.

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Jk8 · 07/01/2024 11:33

@mottytotty Yes. I've also made it clear to parents & friends that my days of makeshift familys have ended.

My & one have become closer over the years as we genuinely are friends & would have got on regardless of how we met everyone else has fallen by the wayside as im 100% fine with & a couple I see in passing consider me an acquaintance ect.

It's not the end of the world...

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Saschka · 07/01/2024 11:34

MakingUpTheNumbers · 07/01/2024 08:45

We'd actually talked about this back in the autumn. Registry office at lunch, quick sandwich at Greggs and both of us back to work. 😁

Need to keep it secret of we do, would hate the thought of DP's father thinking he'd initiated it with his nonsense

Yep, I was going to suggest exactly that! Get married for the legal protection, keep it a secret since this is something that gets under his skin. I’d never give him the satisfaction of knowing.

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bluelavender · 07/01/2024 11:35

He is directly connected with you. His grandchildren share your DNA. And he is an idiot (and would be even if you didn't have kids). Glad that your Dp others called him out on this

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