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AIBU?

Angry at being told I'm not really part of the family

212 replies

MakingUpTheNumbers · 07/01/2024 08:18

DP and I have been together since uni. 23 years this year. We've got 3 DC, 2 dogs, own our house together etc, etc but we're not married. Not for any particular reason but for both of us it wasn't ever a priority and other parts of our developing lives always seemed more important. We're happy with our lives and we've never had cause to question our arrangement.

Last weekend on NYE we were round at DP"s brothers house, his other siblings were there with their DW and DHs (they're all married) and all the kids. DP was making arrangements with his DSis for us to take their kids for a weekend at the end of Jan and when organised and said to the kids, that they were coming to stay and Uncle Paul and Auntie Numbers and we'd need to plan to do something cool.

In front of everyone including all the kids DP's father who was a bit drunk bellowed and has form for being argumentative. ”Don't call her Auntie, she's not their Auntie, she's of no relation to them, she's actually no relation to any of us"

DP and his siblings called their father out on it and DP's mother pulled me aside to make excuses for it all and apologise but a week on and it's still really bothering me.

I know he's technically right, we're not married, I'm not their Auntie but WIBU to talk to DP's father and ask WTAF?

OP posts:
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Am I being unreasonable?

1936 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
11%
You are NOT being unreasonable
89%
mottytotty · 07/01/2024 11:36

Moveoverdarlin · 07/01/2024 11:28

He sounds an asshole. Don’t call him out, you just don’t need to. However for all those things he said is EXACTLY why I wanted to get married. I didn’t want to have children with a boyfriend, or be called a partner.

You got married because you didn’t want dh’s father to say ‘Don't call her Auntie, she's not their Auntie, she's of no relation to them, she's actually no relation to any of us’?

Rather than the more sensible reasons of financial protection in the event of divorce, protection from inheritance tax should one of you die, pension claim, ability to decide what happens should your partner be critically ill and you need to decide whether he would prefer to live or die?

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Emmylou22 · 07/01/2024 11:37

I'm glad others called him out on it! How rude of him.

I had a similar situation with an ex-uncle in law. He's an obnoxious twat. He announced I wasn't part of the family as we weren't married. He was only in the family through marriage 🤷🏻‍♀️ A couple of years later he was caught cheating and using swingers clubs. It's all bollocks. You're their auntie regardless of marriage.

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mottytotty · 07/01/2024 11:37

Jk8 · 07/01/2024 11:33

@mottytotty Yes. I've also made it clear to parents & friends that my days of makeshift familys have ended.

My & one have become closer over the years as we genuinely are friends & would have got on regardless of how we met everyone else has fallen by the wayside as im 100% fine with & a couple I see in passing consider me an acquaintance ect.

It's not the end of the world...

How did your siblings’ partners react when you told them you don’t consider them family but only consider them as friends?

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Baffledandalarmed · 07/01/2024 11:40

Who voted YABU?! If your FIL on mumsnet OP?!

YADNBU. 23 years is more than most marriages seem to last, you are more than deserving of the title!

But I would definitely rise above it and be the bigger person.

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zingally · 07/01/2024 11:45

Ignore the old idiot.

From the reactions of everyone else there, it seems like they also thought he was being a rude arsehole.

Forget about it. But when it comes to choosing him an old folks home, don't bothering finding him a nice one. ;)

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FlamingoQueen · 07/01/2024 11:58

I hope that you don’t tell anyone that you’ve got married and then the next time he makes a comment, you can say that actually we’ve just celebrated our second anniversary (obv however long it is until he makes a comment - could be we’ve been married for a week now!). Congratulations!

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Scarletttulips · 07/01/2024 12:00

Now for the most important part of the day's decisions......will it be a celebratory sausage roll or steak bake?

No! Chicken pastie shortly?

Oh and at least book the afternoon off when the kids are ‘out’

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Benibidibici · 07/01/2024 12:11

I'd just get married in your shoes.

If your DP won't go down the registry office with you, you have a different problem.

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Nonamesleft1 · 07/01/2024 12:13

Hey I’ve been married to dh 25 years, 2 grown kids etc etc.

at Christmas something came up in discussion about fil’s care (I’m a medic) and his sister said fairly bluntly that I had no place in the discussion because “noname is not family”

it’s not marital status, or anything else. It’s someone being an arsehole.

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Jk8 · 07/01/2024 12:14

mottytotty · 07/01/2024 11:37

How did your siblings’ partners react when you told them you don’t consider them family but only consider them as friends?

Not my problem! The ones who considered me a friend aswell it didnt effect the ones who might have been offended are not my family.

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JustFannyingAboot · 07/01/2024 12:14

It sounds like your DHs siblings see you as more family than their asshole dad, take dignified comfort in that.

And congratulations, you should treat yourselves to both a sausage roll and a steak bake, plus a 3 tiered stack of their doughnuts for your cake 🤤 good luck, your DH sounds like a keeper. 💐

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mottytotty · 07/01/2024 12:15

Jk8 · 07/01/2024 12:14

Not my problem! The ones who considered me a friend aswell it didnt effect the ones who might have been offended are not my family.

But what did they actually say when you told them?

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Anniegetyourgun · 07/01/2024 12:18

Nonomono · 07/01/2024 10:35

That said, we've just read this post together and have decided that we're going to get married.

So you’ve been together for 23 years and all of those 23 years you’ve both been adamant that you don’t want to get married.

Then in under 2 hours you’ve decided that you definitely are getting married (not even going to discuss it for a few days) and want to light heartedly talk about wedding plans.

There is obviously a backstory here (perhaps you wanted to get married but DP refused) and it sounds like FIL’s comments were very valid.

OP never said they were "adamant" they didn't want to get married. Read her very first paragraph in which she says something quite different. Later in the thread she says they had in fact been talking about it as a maybe to-do during last year. So no, not suddenly deciding against what they'd always believed, but just having a nudge to get round to it at last. No backstory, just a front story open to all to read.

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Daffodilsandtuplips · 07/01/2024 12:18

You could be pedantic and point out to him that he’s correct, you aren’t biologically a member of his family and by the same token neither are his sons/daughters in law. A piece of paper doesn’t make them any more related to him than you are.
However your children share both yours and DH’s DNA, just like his other grandchildren do from their parents. So by that token you actually are entitled to be treated with as much respect as the married ones are.

Rude people use the excuse of being a drunken arsehole to lob verbal grenades in and stand well back to enjoy the fallout. They then claim not to remember “I didn’t mean it, I was pissed”
Well, if it’s affecting their memory they need to stop getting so pissed then

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Anniegetyourgun · 07/01/2024 12:25

TempleOfBloom · 07/01/2024 10:14

Just to counter the ‘get marriage for the protection’ parrots on MN:

Marriage isn’t always a protection for a woman. If she earns far more. If she has saved a much bigger pension. If she saved and bought property and built up equity in a house and he didn’t. If she works, kept up her earning power, and the kids no longer need expensive childcare costs.

What does marriage offer such a woman that cannot be covered by a separate arrangement? And to address which risk that is more likely to happen than divorce which affects a far greater % of couples?

No one can say it’s better to get married unless they know the circumstances.

You're right about circumstances making a difference. For example I'd have been much better off if I hadn't married. But that's hindsight. At the time it made sense to protect then-H and any children that came along (plus I had an old-fashioned upbringing). I guess though after 23 years OP will be in a better position to know what the risks are as well as the advantages in their own situation. She's going for it, but there isn't the huge advantage or disadvantage that may affect other couples.

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wellhello24 · 07/01/2024 12:28

Pencilltime · 07/01/2024 11:02

You cannot have your cake and eat it. You are not married so you are not part of the family. If you don’t like it, change it.

Bullshit. Marriage is not the only thing that makes you family. Being with someone 23 years and having children with them definitely counts. Get back to the 1950s with your silly comment

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madeinmanc · 07/01/2024 12:30

23 years and he comes out with that! What an absolute arse 😒

As someone else said, he's probably the type that would never see you as belonging even if married.

Don't do anything more for him, ever, and if he questions it, remind him of his words.

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jiggyjiggyjig · 07/01/2024 12:33

The biggest reason I got married was in case something happened to them DP now DH. His assets would have been subject to IT were we not married.

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CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo · 07/01/2024 12:40

Pencilltime · 07/01/2024 11:02

You cannot have your cake and eat it. You are not married so you are not part of the family. If you don’t like it, change it.

^ this is nonsense!

Steak bake, apple turnover, and champagne for @MakingUpTheNumbers

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DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 07/01/2024 12:44

Normally I would say rise above it too.. but I think he mistakenly hoped that everyone would join in. I think the fact that the kids all liked you made him really jealous. They were being more affectionate towards him than you. Drunk or not - he knew what he was saying and that it would hurt. He's signalled that he thinks you have lower status and are fair game for picking on.

So I don't understand why he should be allowed to get away with it...If there is any awkwardness arising, it is caused by him. If he's allowed to say things like that to you in front of the whole family, he will feel safe continue until you feel forced to stop going to family gatherings. It's unjust. Your children shouldn't have to hear him saying things like that.
Also usually I'd say speak to him yourself.. but in this case I think you DH needs to take him to one side first before you do, if you still feel you need to after that. It's not arguing. It's saying his behavior was insulting and unacceptable and will not be tolerated, no debate. I feel sorry for the MIL who did apologise to you and could see it was unacceptable. It's good that the rest of the family doesn't share his horrible views. Sorry you had to go through that but its great that you have support from your DH and others who recognise this nonsense for what it is.

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betterangels · 07/01/2024 12:45

TheOriginalFrench · 07/01/2024 08:28

Presumably your wills, pensions, life insurance, etc, all take account of the fact you’re not married and need to make specific instructions about what must follow if ‘anything happens’ to either of you?

Because as you’ve seen, at times of heightened emotion, or at legal checkpoints, you may find yourselves in difficulty.

Do you know, here and now, whether you’d be the person who gets to decide what happens to your partner in a medical crisis?

These are very good points.

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JG4 · 07/01/2024 12:47

Not related to your question , but I just had a thought : do you know that in the event of his death you would not inherit anything or be protected in any way ? Lots of people in this country believe that after a certain number of years there is a thing called a ‘common law marriage ‘ , no such thing exists . Same applies in the event of separation. I just thought I would let you know , just in case xx

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RB68 · 07/01/2024 12:59

well you are not a member of the family so you can call him out and tell him you are glad not to be related to suck a knobhead. Shame that it means the rest of them are not related - all for the sake of a bit of paper. Married doesn't make you part of the family - but it sounds like the rest of them think the exact opposite. I would just utterly ignore him and speak to everyone else and get on with life. Revenge is a life best lived despite his arsiness

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wronginalltherightways · 07/01/2024 13:02

Not being married is going to cost you when one of you dies because that is how UK law is set up re inheritances.

I'd quietly get married, tbh.

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Fifteenth · 07/01/2024 13:05

You are not being unreasonable.

But your DP is being unreasonable in not marrying you.

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