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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Be brutal! I need it!

204 replies

Whatintheworldgirl · 04/01/2024 09:43

A relationship hangs in the balance.

I ended up in hospital due to a peptic ulcer. I was in a&e for 19 hours, did it on my own because my partner had work and I said he needed sleep. So I somehow managed to walk there and stayed till I was seen 19 hours later. Which again is fine, the poor staff were doing everything they could with the strikes. Anyway. After I was finally seen and given Iv meds. One of the meds really didn't sit right with me. I got an explanation as to why when the surgeon came in but it was very very scary. I become very unwell and I couldn't see properly. I could see enough to see the little app bubble colours on my phone but I couldn't see the text as my eyes just turned into a blurry mess and I was panicked and scared. After doing this alone for over 20 hours I finally admitted defeat, that I needed a bit of support. So I managed to call my partner. I was crying and scared. He was at work at that moment. He said he would speak with his manager and come. I said no because I didn't want to cause problems but he then said all the right things. He would be there. He would protect me, keep me safe (I've been through a heavily abusive relationship in the past so that last line really got into my heart and I felt like I was finally protected) so I said okay while crying.

NOW I understand work. I understand it gets busy and I understand sometimes you genuinely can't leave. That is fine. However he just went MIA. I heard nothing from him for two hours. He works like ten minutes away. He then sent me a text saying it was super busy and he is hungry. This is after two hours of silence. Didn't check in. Didn't have two seconds to text me a very quick message saying it's too busy and he can't come. I would've accepted that. But no, he was too busy. So me being scared and in agony, just waiting and waiting. Waiting for him to show up like he said. Or atleast let me know he can't. He had portrayed he would keep me safe and I believed him. Anyway it's not the showing up that I'm upset about it's the fact he didn't excuse himself for literally a minute at most to text me to tell me he can't. I ended up getting so scared and freaked out I discharged myself and walked home which was a challenge because I live about 40 mins from the hospital. Arriving home after being awake and in a&e all night or around 24 hours at this point, the flat was a mess. Dirty dishes everywhere. Dirty clothes thrown about. It just frustrated me. I do everything I can while he's working so he doesn't come home to dishes and a mess. Why could he atleast do the dishes? Why couldn't he atleast send me a text saying he couldn't come. Why is everything such a chore?

I really feel like I'm done. Trying to bring this up to him when he got home from work he just said 'I didn't promise I could come'. And was defensive. No understanding or even compassion. Hasn't even asked what actually happened or what my diagnosis was. I just feel really angry. Why am I so angry?

OP posts:
DrunkenElephant · 04/01/2024 09:46

Because he let you down badly when you needed him.

I couldn’t forgive that.

BCBird · 04/01/2024 09:47

I would seriously re evaluate your relationship. He is hungry-
boo hoo. If you were confused maybe you misunderstood him, but surely as a partner he should have been at your side. Leave the mess. It's his to sort

susiedaisy1912 · 04/01/2024 09:49

Behaviour is a language. Listen to what he is telling you. Words can be cheap. He has shown you exactly where you come in his life and it's behind work food and sleep.

TuxedoCatsRule · 04/01/2024 09:50

Dump him. The end. Don’t think twice about it, he didn’t even think once about you.

rubyslippers · 04/01/2024 09:50

There’s a lot to unpick here
firstly why did you discharge yourself? Has your treatment been completed - you’ve had an acute episode and that’s the priority
if I’d been in hospital for that length of time and my partner was ten mins away, I would expect on their lunch break they would text or visit me
his defensiveness is an issue
how long have you been together ? You sound unhappy and he sounds unable to meet your needs / be supportive

tiredmama23 · 04/01/2024 09:50

His behaviour is obviously really shit but why did you discharge yourself? Do you not still need treatment in hospital?

rileyy · 04/01/2024 09:52

You’re so angry because he has shown you what his priority is…which is clearly himself. He doesn’t respect you enough to send you a simple text when you are at your most vulnerable. Then to double down when you asked him why!

You feel like you’re done and I can understand why. I have also had a past relationship that has been abusive and the past and it can sometimes muddle your head because it ‘isn’t as bad as that was,’ however you deserve to raise the bar on what you expect from a partner. Key word: partner.
He isn’t doing his part and you deserve MORE. If he isn’t even able to have a conversation and take some responsibility then you are wasting your time and sacrificing your own mental health. Don’t settle.

I hope you’re feeling better. 🌷

Poufpastry · 04/01/2024 09:53

During covid my partner wrapped himself in a horse rug and dozed in the car in the hospital car park because he was so worried about me in A+E alone and knew I might need help communicating at some point. (Without going into detail, the problem I had was affecting cognition).
This bloke isn't your partner and you need to get rid.

Bluebellsbells · 04/01/2024 09:56

susiedaisy1912 · 04/01/2024 09:49

Behaviour is a language. Listen to what he is telling you. Words can be cheap. He has shown you exactly where you come in his life and it's behind work food and sleep.

Couldn't have said it better

mondaytosunday · 04/01/2024 09:56

He's tired? He's hungry? That he didn't drop everything immediately speaks volumes. You are more important than work.
Bottom line - despite his words he was not there when you needed him most. I wouldn't be able to forgive that.

Pinkpinkplonk · 04/01/2024 09:57

He’s shown you who he is and how much he cares.
I’m sorry but you really need to rethink

DeepDarkBlue · 04/01/2024 09:58

He sounds awful? What type of job does he have? There are jobs where you can't even send a text?

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 04/01/2024 10:01

You want brutal? he's a prick who doesn't give a stuff about your needs, only his.

I ended up getting so scared and freaked out I discharged myself and walked home which was a challenge because I live about 40 mins from the hospital

You did WHAT??

I do everything I can while he's working so he doesn't come home to dishes and a mess

I'm getting the distinct feeling that you don't put yourself first in life and don't value your health and wellbeing at all, OP. The reason the flat is a mess is that with you in hospital, as far as he was concerned his domestic appliance was malfunctioning and of course he couldn't be expected to do all that, it's your job. Bet you did all the cleaning despite being unwell, didn't you?

I was in a similar situation - DH 'too busy' to support me while having outpatient treatment. I wish MN had been around in the 80s, I'd have seen the signs and saved myself getting on for 3 years of grief.

Get rid.

SparklyIron · 04/01/2024 10:02

Happy to be brutal here - LTB!!!!!
Im really sorry this happened OP.
He might not have realised how bad it was at the time (no excuse - you did tell him!) and now feels bad but is expressing that by doubling down on his original assumption that it wasn’t that serious and essentially minimising it to make himself feel better. There’s absolutely no excuse for this- I can’t believe he didn’t even ask what you actually had! I’m sorry OP but this is unforgivable.
Hugs. x

ManateeFair · 04/01/2024 10:04

First things first: yes, your partner has been a dick and in your position I'd be seriously reconsidering my relationship. No excuses for him behaving like that.

However, there were some things that stood out for me in your post:

did it on my own because my partner had work and I said he needed sleep

Wait, you said he needed sleep? I think perhaps you martyred yourself a bit there. Why didn't you get him to drive you to A&E, even if only to drop you off?

I discharged myself and walked home which was a challenge because I live about 40 mins from the hospital

The fact that you walked to the hospital and then apparently also discharged yourself and walked home again seems very much a case of you cutting off our nose to spite your face. You were in agony and you took yourself out of the safety of the hospital to walk 40 minutes home, rather than staying in your hospital bed? That was weird behaviour on your part and I wonder if, when your partner realised you'd done that, he then thought you weren't actually as ill as you really were.

Like I said at the start, he's been a dick and there's no excuse for his behaviour. But in addition to him being a dick, you also made an already bad situation unnecessarily worse for yourself.

Octavia64 · 04/01/2024 10:04

Words are easy to say. His actions are what counts and he wasn't there for you.

Wanna17 · 04/01/2024 10:05

He doesn't care, he should have gone with you to A&E in the first place no matter what you told him about sleep, ditch the loser

Centwafer · 04/01/2024 10:06

Hi op. No wonder you have an ulcer and I don’t mean that flippantly. Living with someone like this is stressful. Just walk. No need for explanations as he didn’t feel the need to provide you with any.

Or ask for a family member or friend to come and help you move out.

Your physical and emotional health will improve when you are shot of this man and it will be his loss as you deserve so much more 💐

Wanna17 · 04/01/2024 10:06

ManateeFair · 04/01/2024 10:04

First things first: yes, your partner has been a dick and in your position I'd be seriously reconsidering my relationship. No excuses for him behaving like that.

However, there were some things that stood out for me in your post:

did it on my own because my partner had work and I said he needed sleep

Wait, you said he needed sleep? I think perhaps you martyred yourself a bit there. Why didn't you get him to drive you to A&E, even if only to drop you off?

I discharged myself and walked home which was a challenge because I live about 40 mins from the hospital

The fact that you walked to the hospital and then apparently also discharged yourself and walked home again seems very much a case of you cutting off our nose to spite your face. You were in agony and you took yourself out of the safety of the hospital to walk 40 minutes home, rather than staying in your hospital bed? That was weird behaviour on your part and I wonder if, when your partner realised you'd done that, he then thought you weren't actually as ill as you really were.

Like I said at the start, he's been a dick and there's no excuse for his behaviour. But in addition to him being a dick, you also made an already bad situation unnecessarily worse for yourself.

Hopefully all your victim blaming waffle gets ignored the by OP

Somatosensational · 04/01/2024 10:07

Wow.

LTB.

Alondra · 04/01/2024 10:07

You are angry because his words never matched his actions.

1 He doesn't give a shit about you
2 Didn't care about your health
3 Went MIA when you needed him
4 He's a lazy slob
5 No an ounce of compassion, or apology for his behaviour.

Run from this arsehole.

mynxy · 04/01/2024 10:08

I'm sorry OP, this man doesn't even like you, let alone care for you.
Had the roles been reversed, would you have gone with him to a&e right from the start? I bet you would have because you sound like a caring, loving, supportive person.
You deserve better than this. WAY better. Please start putting yourself first - begin by ridding yourself of this selfish, self-absorbed shitheel of a human.

Chuffaluffa · 04/01/2024 10:10

First of all, put him as far down your priority list as you are on his.

work out what YOU need right now. Discharging yourself was probably a mistake, can you do something to ensure you’re getting the best possible care?

You need to start being the love of your own life, and once you do you’ll never again allow someone like this to treat you less than you deserve.

Salesarefullofcutpricesprouts · 04/01/2024 10:11

Well he isn't a partner... Dead wood. Ltb and see your health improve....

FragrantFinger · 04/01/2024 10:13

He doesn't care. There are people who wouldn't care for anyone even their own children and there are people who don't carr unless theh loved you. What I find shitty is that he raised your hopes and then left you abandoned worse than if he had straight out said he couldn't make it.
This man is inconsiderate and breadcrumbs you affection, lets you down in your hour of need not because he was tied up by work but because he couldn't even text you to let you know. He does whatever makes his life easier so on the call he pacified you to avoid a confrontation on the phone at work and to get you to calm down and be quiet.
He doesn't care. I'm sorry.

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