Be brutal! I need it!

[Whatintheworldgirl]

A relationship hangs in the balance.

I ended up in hospital due to a peptic ulcer. I was in a&e for 19 hours, did it on my own because my partner had work and I said he needed sleep. So I somehow managed to walk there and stayed till I was seen 19 hours later. Which again is fine, the poor staff were doing everything they could with the strikes. Anyway. After I was finally seen and given Iv meds. One of the meds really didn't sit right with me. I got an explanation as to why when the surgeon came in but it was very very scary. I become very unwell and I couldn't see properly. I could see enough to see the little app bubble colours on my phone but I couldn't see the text as my eyes just turned into a blurry mess and I was panicked and scared. After doing this alone for over 20 hours I finally admitted defeat, that I needed a bit of support. So I managed to call my partner. I was crying and scared. He was at work at that moment. He said he would speak with his manager and come. I said no because I didn't want to cause problems but he then said all the right things. He would be there. He would protect me, keep me safe (I've been through a heavily abusive relationship in the past so that last line really got into my heart and I felt like I was finally protected) so I said okay while crying.

NOW I understand work. I understand it gets busy and I understand sometimes you genuinely can't leave. That is fine. However he just went MIA. I heard nothing from him for two hours. He works like ten minutes away. He then sent me a text saying it was super busy and he is hungry. This is after two hours of silence. Didn't check in. Didn't have two seconds to text me a very quick message saying it's too busy and he can't come. I would've accepted that. But no, he was too busy. So me being scared and in agony, just waiting and waiting. Waiting for him to show up like he said. Or atleast let me know he can't. He had portrayed he would keep me safe and I believed him. Anyway it's not the showing up that I'm upset about it's the fact he didn't excuse himself for literally a minute at most to text me to tell me he can't. I ended up getting so scared and freaked out I discharged myself and walked home which was a challenge because I live about 40 mins from the hospital. Arriving home after being awake and in a&e all night or around 24 hours at this point, the flat was a mess. Dirty dishes everywhere. Dirty clothes thrown about. It just frustrated me. I do everything I can while he's working so he doesn't come home to dishes and a mess. Why could he atleast do the dishes? Why couldn't he atleast send me a text saying he couldn't come. Why is everything such a chore?

I really feel like I'm done. Trying to bring this up to him when he got home from work he just said 'I didn't promise I could come'. And was defensive. No understanding or even compassion. Hasn't even asked what actually happened or what my diagnosis was. I just feel really angry. Why am I so angry?

^ This

'actions speak louder than words' and he's just given you a whole load of information. Do you want to continue in this type of relationship (whilst it deteriorates) or would you rather admit to yourself right now that you're seeing things differently?

You know he's really bad for you. You are doing the right thing breaking up with him. Let him come and get the damn ring himself - you are unwell!

Has he ever been ill? Even with something minor like a flu or covid? What level of care and attentiveness would he expect from you during those times?

Sadly in this life, we all will encounter temporary or permanent health issues at some stage. You deserve someone who'll tuck you up on the sofa with a hot water bottle, make you soup or offer to go to the pharmacy for you. Someone who cares for you the way you care for them. Don't settle for anything less.

Oh, OP, I'm so sorry. Your previous relationship damaged you and the current cocklodger didn't help. You need intensive counseling to recover from the trauma of your previous relationship, and you need to throw the current twat out on his ear.

There is nothing wrong with you that some good trauma counseling won't fix. Pay for it yourself if you must. You're worth it.

Sorry but to me it seems like you were in a safe place and not acutely unwell given you have made it home (although self discharge not a good idea and I’d go back). I personally don’t need a lot of support somewhere like a hospital but everyone different and sounds like your past experiences have made you anxious in these situations which he may not have fully understood if he isnt someone who needs someone with him in hospital. I’d calmly discuss it when you are feeling better - for now carefully consider if you need to go back as it will be worse if you leave it and get more unwell.

He keeps saying he thinks differently to me and he will change. We've had multiple conversations like this

OP, those two sentences contradict each other. He's going to change and yet you have multiple conversations about it. Why should he change? he's got everything he needs and wants with you martyring yourself. He's a leech.

And if he 'will' change, when's he going to start and when will you know he's changed?

It's not worth your time. effort and health.

Fucking hell, you sound nice. Any more rules for how the OP should behave so as to meet your expectations?

I don't have the money for taxis and nobody else I know can drive. So I couldn't get home any other way then to walk. I've had a lot of comments about this and my bad communication skills. I do realise I communicate badly. I was genuinely fine with being in a&e by myself. That's not what upset me. On the phone when I was panicking, I finally gave in and was honest and said yes I need help (agreed to him coming) and he promised but then never did. So that's why I was hurt. Walking back was hard and scary and I'm in a lot of pain but I have no other way to get home. Financially I can only afford bills. I don't have spare money for transport and taxis are crazy prices here. So that's something I need to work on which I will very soon. I'll try and get back to work. Health has just been a nightmare. I apologise for answering a few posts on your comment. Thank you for your input

@oakleaffy thank you 🤍 I couldn't afford a taxi and I don't drive so walking was my only option. Thank you for standing up for me!

You don’t have to list why your breaking up with your partner nor why you want him to move out, to stop him trying to make out he will change or let him make out it’s somehow your fault he didn’t come to the hospital just say you don’t love him. Don’t worry about hurting his feeling, he will only be panicking that he has to move out and have to start pay paying out so will be professing his love hoping you will feel guilty and change your mind.

The reason you didn't have taxi money was you were subbing your leech of a boyfriend. You might find you have a lot more cash from now on. I hope you are feeling much better now. Spoil yourself x

This is what I did, except with a normal blanket, when my husband was in a and e during covid. I thought it was normal partnership behaviour.

OP, you need to prioritise yourself. 💐

Good that you have ended it. But you told him not to come to the hospital more than once. Mixed messages from you. The bigger issue is that he's been financially using you.

The discharging yourself was really dangerous and you need to think about why you would do something that dangerous.

The discharging yourself was really dangerous and you need to think about why you would do something that dangerous.

Abused women are trained to carry on and put others first, even when their health, or indeed their life, is in danger. She has been in an abusive relationship at least twice so she has been "excellently " trained. OP - you need to get therapy to get de-trained, basically de-cult yourself. I hope you are going back to hospital today and putting yourself first.

Thank you so much for your comment. I'll be honest, as much as I asked for brutal honesty I feel a bit overwhelmed by the negative messages. I appreciate your input and your view on things. Thank you so much! If the pain becomes excruciating again I will definitely go back to the hospital. Thank you. The only issue is I can't afford a taxi so walking is my only option but I will try. Honestly thank you for your honesty and your response x

Most of the comments, as far as I have seen, have been supportive. Even the ones that did not entirely agree with everything that you have said have been supportive of you (though I may have missed those that were overly critical).

I do n't think it's negative to say that you should not have discharged yourself, it's a risky thing to do. Especially when saying well done for dumping him as he's leaching off you. Good luck.

Like I said at the start, he's been a dick and there's no excuse for his behaviour. But in addition to him being a dick, you also made an already bad situation unnecessarily worse for yourself.

This

In addition, you send out a lot of mixed messages and you have martyr tendencies. Add that to an emotionally illiterate bf, it’s very unlikely that your emotional wants can be met by this point.

if you insist on staying in this relationship then you will have to learn to say what you mean and mean what you say. Martyrdom and a stupid bf has brought you here.

If the pain becomes excruciating again I will definitely go back to the hospital. Thank you. The only issue is I can't afford a taxi so walking is my only option but I will try. Honestly thank you for your honesty and your response x

In your earlier posts you said you were managing ok on benefits and about to go back to work.

In other posts, you said your BF used his income to pay off his credit card debts and contributed very little to the running of your home. Just 'throwing you some cash' towards the electric.

If he's still there, you need to make him pay more for living with you.
Then you should be able to afford a taxi.

How old are you both?

Saying you can't drive but also don't know anyone who drives is unusual.

Are your parents not around or any friend who could help you?

If not, you sound very isolated which may be a reason you grab useless men, to ease your loneliness.

I know it's easy to say and maybe now is not the right time, but there's a lot you can look forward to doing.

Succeeding at work
Learning to drive (it's a life skill)
Making friends
Getting some therapy to help your self worth.

So your ex boyfriend (!) pays nothing towards the flat but runs up debt on credit cards.

Where does his income go?

Have you never, ever questioned the unfairness of the arrangement?

Sorry for the posts but...do you ever feel you are looking in on your life from the outside?

The way you post is sometimes like reading a book, as if you are making rather dramatic points, but also not being emotionally honest.

A relationship hangs in the balance is one example.

It's like the lead-in to a story.

Oh my lovely, you come across so much stronger than you can ever imagine. I’m so sorry for all you’ve experienced. You deserve to feel and be supported and loved. And you will be in a relationship where you feel that. Well done for showing good boundaries. He should feel ashamed of himself. You, in contrast, should feel proud of your strength. Your self-worth has kicked in. You really do deserve more and I wish you all the very best for the future because you really do deserve good things.💐

Ok, being brutal - you did ask!

Why are you tolerating this? If you have been in an abusive relationship before (and I'm sorry that you were) why are you not setting your expectations higher?

These excuses from him are utter bullsh*t. You know it, we know it. Your relationship isn't hanging by a thread, it's done. And you shouldn't want to rescue it either. If he can't be there for you in the worst of times, he doesn't deserve to be there for the best of times.

Oh, and don't be leaving hospital in that state again and just walking home. That's intentionally making yourself vulnerable. Treat yourself better both with this and with who you choose to let into your life.

Why is MN full of women who put up with such shit from men?

What sort of childhoods have they had to feel they deserve no more than these useless human beings in their lives?

Not a day goes by without a woman somewhere on MN posting about how badly she's being treated, yet questions if it's 'normal' .

What's happening to girls in schools as part of their education if they grow up accepting behaviour like this? Not to mention their parents.

Are they all scared to be without a man? Any man?

OP what part of the country do you live in please? I'd gladly pick you up and take you to (and from) hospital if you were anywhere nearby. No doubt others on this thread would too if needed.

I was just going to say same. When you're short of cash and you've got a parasite hanger on then things are bad.

Also, OP I don't know if you're aware of this but if you're on benefits and subsidising the lifestyle of a man who isn't contributing to you then that is actually technically benefit fraud. The DWP are funding you for your specific situation. Not him. Use your money for yourself and get well. Also, see if you're entitled to low cost transport / a bus pass or whatever maybe?