Be brutal! I need it!

[Whatintheworldgirl]

A relationship hangs in the balance.

I ended up in hospital due to a peptic ulcer. I was in a&e for 19 hours, did it on my own because my partner had work and I said he needed sleep. So I somehow managed to walk there and stayed till I was seen 19 hours later. Which again is fine, the poor staff were doing everything they could with the strikes. Anyway. After I was finally seen and given Iv meds. One of the meds really didn't sit right with me. I got an explanation as to why when the surgeon came in but it was very very scary. I become very unwell and I couldn't see properly. I could see enough to see the little app bubble colours on my phone but I couldn't see the text as my eyes just turned into a blurry mess and I was panicked and scared. After doing this alone for over 20 hours I finally admitted defeat, that I needed a bit of support. So I managed to call my partner. I was crying and scared. He was at work at that moment. He said he would speak with his manager and come. I said no because I didn't want to cause problems but he then said all the right things. He would be there. He would protect me, keep me safe (I've been through a heavily abusive relationship in the past so that last line really got into my heart and I felt like I was finally protected) so I said okay while crying.

NOW I understand work. I understand it gets busy and I understand sometimes you genuinely can't leave. That is fine. However he just went MIA. I heard nothing from him for two hours. He works like ten minutes away. He then sent me a text saying it was super busy and he is hungry. This is after two hours of silence. Didn't check in. Didn't have two seconds to text me a very quick message saying it's too busy and he can't come. I would've accepted that. But no, he was too busy. So me being scared and in agony, just waiting and waiting. Waiting for him to show up like he said. Or atleast let me know he can't. He had portrayed he would keep me safe and I believed him. Anyway it's not the showing up that I'm upset about it's the fact he didn't excuse himself for literally a minute at most to text me to tell me he can't. I ended up getting so scared and freaked out I discharged myself and walked home which was a challenge because I live about 40 mins from the hospital. Arriving home after being awake and in a&e all night or around 24 hours at this point, the flat was a mess. Dirty dishes everywhere. Dirty clothes thrown about. It just frustrated me. I do everything I can while he's working so he doesn't come home to dishes and a mess. Why could he atleast do the dishes? Why couldn't he atleast send me a text saying he couldn't come. Why is everything such a chore?

I really feel like I'm done. Trying to bring this up to him when he got home from work he just said 'I didn't promise I could come'. And was defensive. No understanding or even compassion. Hasn't even asked what actually happened or what my diagnosis was. I just feel really angry. Why am I so angry?

How is it victim blaming? The poster didn't say that the partner was in the right, they pointed out how OP made things worse for herself. I thought the post was really insightful and I completely agree with it. People will treat you as you think you deserve, some of the time (although the OP should dump this man, IMO)

Hi Op

Now your eyes have been opened to this waste of human skin, please do not go back on your decision. You deserve so much better.

Do not give him the ring. YOU can sell it as and when you need the money.

Do not let him talk you round/bully you into letting him stay. He is losing his free ride & will probably say anything to keep it.

Is it safe to leave your home while he supposedly packs & leaves? I would be concerned about him taking your things/anything valuable. Will he actually go?

Just be very wary.

Good luck. Life will be easier and cheaper without this freeloader.

Just reading about this horrible man gives me an ulcer. I’m guessing that breaking up with him will do wonders for your health, OP.

Do you have children? Because diverting limited resources to a man is never a good idea.

He won't change and anyway it's too little too late. He was happy to use you so that tells you all you need to know

Get him and his stuff gone then block.

YOU don't owe HIM anything as you've supported him all this time.

Don't try and explain just tell him you're done

OP you've had a lot of good advice on here. I just wanted to add my support. Please focus on your health and wellbeing. You don't need to expend energy on confronting him, or explaining to him why he is a dick, or helping him self analyse why he is a dick, you just need him out.

Oh and the fact that he wants the ring back tells you everything you need to know about him. Really you should sell it to contribute to the running costs of the home he does not pay for, but if you do give it back, don't do it until he's moved out and left the keys.

Good luck and get well soon 💐

OP, you are NOT an idiot. Please don't feel that you are not of value to anyone. Are there any local support groups, even free local interest groups you could join to get to know people? Perhaps some free therapy to help build your sense of self worth?

Can you go back to the hospital to make sure you're ok?

The man is obviously manipulative (all that stuff about the ring is designed to hurt you and entice you back at the same time). And he has been freeloading off you and your generosity and desire to please him. Please don't go back to him. I promise nice men do exist. Men you can freely demand reasonable things from (like support at hospital) without even worrying about their needs.

Wishing you all the best.

He sounds like a lazy, selfish user. Get rid and look after yourself. 100%.

This is horrible @Whatintheworldgirl I am so sorry you had to deal with this on top of everything. I think your issue now is you probably don’t want to deal with a break up on top of everything else. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do, no matter how many people on the internet recommend it, but you are likely posting this because you don’t want to settle for this nonsense and you are 100% right. So, my advice is, forgive yourself for choosing him- I’m sure he’s not all bad, take your time, don’t bother working on the relationship but try keeping it friendly and then break up when you are ready.

OP have you been to A&E a lot recently? You say you are not working because you are ill. I’m asking because perhaps if you have been a lot, he may not be taking another A&E visit seriously? It’s no excuse but his behavior is really odd so I was wondering about context.

If you were so sick that you had to go to A&E then why did you walk? And why walk back when you could not see properly? Were you trying to make him feel guilty for not helping you? You need to value yourself more and take better care of yourself. There is a lot of drama in all of this and I wonder if you are bottling up your emotions and not making any demands of anyone and then it all kind of explodes because you are angry that he hasn’t stepped up. Maybe in your next relationship you need to verbalize what you need a bit more?

Really?

He keeps saying he thinks differently to me and he will change

Someone doesn't need to 'keep' saying they'll change. If they changed first time they said they would then they wouldn't have to keep repeating themselves.

He's obviously just said the right things to keep you hooked. We'll done on getting rid.

He sounds very uncaring he was hungry so what. He could have made the choice to just grab a sandwich on way to the hospital.

I agree with Judge Judy's view that an engagement ring is given in contemplation of marriage and should be returned if the marriage doesn't take place, regardless of who called it off. Why should a woman who gets engaged say, three times, get to keep all the rings?

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@Whatintheworldgirl
Kick the useless bloke out and start concentrating on getting better.

He won’t change.

You won’t be able to make him change , either.

We can only change ourselves.

Do you really want to be tied to this uncaring man?

Being alone is far less “ Lonely “!

@Mercurysinretrograde Are you Op’s crappy partner?

I have walked back from an A&E eye hospital barely able to see because of side effects of the meds that blur vision.

People can walk with blurry vision as driving isn’t allowed.

So you know your partner is selfish, neglectful, uncaring. And very mean for not even testing you to say where he was.
Now you need to look after your health and get well. I had ( burst? Ruptured?) ulcers. They were bleeding into my abdomen, it was treated as a medical emergency and an ambulance, several units of blood, one of liquid iron, a camera down my throat and I could stand up again without fainting.
Please get support from someone who cares about you and see your doctor again.
Everything crossed you get the proper treatment to help you.
And bin the boyfriend, waste of space that he is.

You asked for brutal so...He is a selfish twat who uses you and doesn't give a shit about you and you are a mug for putting up with it

Oh dear OP.

This is very sad but I've only a couple of things to say.

The first is your partner sounds useless and I can't understand why you are with him.

If your partner works in a shop, it not exactly a job where he simply couldn't leave (compared to a surgeon in the middle of an operation.)

You also sound as if you are bending over backwards to make life easy for him. Are you afraid of losing him?

Discharging yourself and walking home.
Why no taxi?

The only advice I can offer is you still sound in an abusive relationship.
You need to end it, stop dating, and (kindly) start some therapy to understand your mindset and build your self-worth before dating anyone .

This speaks volumes, get rid. He only cares about himself.
I hope you’re ok re your ulcer if you self-discharged.

You can't have been that ill if you discharged yourself and walked 40 mins home. Why are you wasting people's time especially during a strike? If you were needing to get home I would expect you to crawl into bed not fuss about the state of the flat.

Your partner twice offered to help and you said no. He isn't a mind reader.

It's not clear from what you said what you went to hospital for.
If you had a gastric ulcer which burst, that is very serious and I doubt you could walk home for 45 mins.

If you have gastroperisis, which you say you have, it can be managed with lifestyle, diet and other treatment. It's a slow emptying of your stomach.

After doing this alone for over 20 hours I finally admitted defeat, that I needed a bit of support.

You admitted defeat? Like you asked for some support?
Why do you have such a low opinion of yourself that you call it'admitting defeat'?

What next, now you have discharged yourself?
What about the gastric ulcer? Are they treating that?

Does he have his own place? Does he just live off you even though there's a cost of living crisis and bills are sky high?

You are a martyr and he's is an awful person. Stay strong and don't let him back in. He'll scream and cry and apologise and then he'll blame you again and again.

Get the locks changed. Put his bags outside. Block him in your phone. Speak to your gp about counselling and for God's sake put your health first.

How was your childhood @Whatintheworldgirl ?

It comes across in your posts as if you have never had unconditional love from a parent. You don't recognise what love is, it seems.

The questions that you ask about 'Am I right or is he?' seems to show a very skewed idea of healthy relationships.

Have you never had a healthy loving relationship with your parents, friends or other partners?

@oakleaffy no, I am not OP’s very crappy partner but if I were in her shoes I would have called him again and told him to collect me or I would have called a friend/family/taxi. I would also have asked for a lift to the hospital- surely his jewelry shop job is not so tiring the he needs a full 8 hours of sleep. I am not in any way supporting the partner, who clearly needs to go, but OP needs to be more assertive going forward.