Be brutal! I need it!

[Whatintheworldgirl]

A relationship hangs in the balance.

I ended up in hospital due to a peptic ulcer. I was in a&e for 19 hours, did it on my own because my partner had work and I said he needed sleep. So I somehow managed to walk there and stayed till I was seen 19 hours later. Which again is fine, the poor staff were doing everything they could with the strikes. Anyway. After I was finally seen and given Iv meds. One of the meds really didn't sit right with me. I got an explanation as to why when the surgeon came in but it was very very scary. I become very unwell and I couldn't see properly. I could see enough to see the little app bubble colours on my phone but I couldn't see the text as my eyes just turned into a blurry mess and I was panicked and scared. After doing this alone for over 20 hours I finally admitted defeat, that I needed a bit of support. So I managed to call my partner. I was crying and scared. He was at work at that moment. He said he would speak with his manager and come. I said no because I didn't want to cause problems but he then said all the right things. He would be there. He would protect me, keep me safe (I've been through a heavily abusive relationship in the past so that last line really got into my heart and I felt like I was finally protected) so I said okay while crying.

NOW I understand work. I understand it gets busy and I understand sometimes you genuinely can't leave. That is fine. However he just went MIA. I heard nothing from him for two hours. He works like ten minutes away. He then sent me a text saying it was super busy and he is hungry. This is after two hours of silence. Didn't check in. Didn't have two seconds to text me a very quick message saying it's too busy and he can't come. I would've accepted that. But no, he was too busy. So me being scared and in agony, just waiting and waiting. Waiting for him to show up like he said. Or atleast let me know he can't. He had portrayed he would keep me safe and I believed him. Anyway it's not the showing up that I'm upset about it's the fact he didn't excuse himself for literally a minute at most to text me to tell me he can't. I ended up getting so scared and freaked out I discharged myself and walked home which was a challenge because I live about 40 mins from the hospital. Arriving home after being awake and in a&e all night or around 24 hours at this point, the flat was a mess. Dirty dishes everywhere. Dirty clothes thrown about. It just frustrated me. I do everything I can while he's working so he doesn't come home to dishes and a mess. Why could he atleast do the dishes? Why couldn't he atleast send me a text saying he couldn't come. Why is everything such a chore?

I really feel like I'm done. Trying to bring this up to him when he got home from work he just said 'I didn't promise I could come'. And was defensive. No understanding or even compassion. Hasn't even asked what actually happened or what my diagnosis was. I just feel really angry. Why am I so angry?

I felt sad reading this. I'm sorry, op. I couldn't forgive it.
My DH can be funny with work too but whenever we've had emergencies (missed miscarriage, suspected miscarriage, toddler concussion) he has left work immediately and been there.

It would be over for me. He is not there for you when you need him. This is not a supportive partnership. He isn't apologetic, he isn't caring, he is only thinking of himself. I'd be furious too. And there is no chance I'd stay in that relationship, because what is the point?

Never mind the fact that he didn't worry about you after you phoned from the hospital. He had 19 fucking hours after you fucking walked yourself to A&E to worry about you and didn't! Who lets their partner go to hospital, goes to bed, sleeps soundly for 8 hours and then gets up and continues with their day without even pausing to wonder if their partner is ok? What absolute absolute shit he is. I was in A&E for 14 hours in September and almost everyone was in contact with someone checking to see how they were getting on. Some people had visits from people bringing sandwiches.

In the bin with him.

He's hungry? What a pathetic prick he is.

This is all completely understandable, and I really sympathise.

It sounds like you do have a lot of awareness of how your past relationship has affected you, which is a very good start when it comes to building up your own self esteem.

You asked at the end of your original post 'Why am I so angry?' and the answer to that is, essentially because you have every bloody right to be! I would be even more worried about you if you weren't angry, to be honest. You have every right to expect basic care, kindness and consideration from the people in your life, especially your partner, and it is completely reasonable that you feel angry that he hasn't provided that.

You are not a burden to anyone and you are not 'hard work' - you sound like the absolutely opposite of hard work, in fact! You didn't ask much of your partner at all and he behaved like a complete arsehole. You deserve much better.

You sound lovely, and I'm willing to bet that, if the situation was reversed and your partner was the one who needed A&E, you would have insisted on going with him, you'd have been kind and sympathetic and reassuring if he called you in tears, and even if you hadn't been allowed to leave work, you'd have at least stayed in touch with him and reassured him that he just needed to hang in there and stay in hospital being cared for until you could get there. And you wouldn't think someone was 'hard work' because they were ill in hospital. You'd feel sympathy for them. You need to remind yourself that YOU are absolutely worthy and deserving of the same sympathy and kindness that you would give to others.

Take care and I hope you get the right treatment for your stomach issues - you must have been in so much pain and you have my every sympathy. Put yourself first and focus on what's right for you and your physical and mental health xx

If after everything you've written about him, you are still lost and questioning yourself for being "dramatic", you have a problem.

And the problem is yourself. He's an arsehole but you are unwilling to accept it.

His behaviour is completely unacceptable. I hope you take this as an opportunity to really reconsider what you need and what you want from a relationship.

Having said that, I'd suggest also looking at your own thinking processes. You come across as a martyr- you needed medical treatment but discharged yourself, went on your own but you were scared etc. This can get very wearing.

Good luck

You are absolutely NOT being dramatic! Get this man out of your life.

@Whatintheworldgirl

^^This

He's not good for you

I feel bad for you OP. You come across as having low self esteem and unfortunately people take advantage of that. Being sick is the worse feeling and you really need someone to be there for you. He failed at that and I would find it hard to forgive.

Words are cheap It's actions that count.
I'm afraid he's devoid of compassion, empathy and kindness
I'm not surprised you're considering your relationship
He went MIA for 2 hours and didn't even text to see how you are
Personally I'd do more for a friend.
If you have an ulcer this will be worse with stress, which this relationship is certainly causing you.
Take a taxi back to A&E and wait there
Text a friend or family member for support and post here for company

Totally disagree

Well his Very Important Job was somewhat of a let down.
Just like him op.
Think how well off financially you will be now...

So he's a cocklodger as well?

Right.

Let him go

You don't prioritise yourself either op. You have a partner who treats you as an after thought. But you do the same thing to yourself.

You shouldn't have discharged yourself.

You shouldn't tell him he needs sleep or excuse his absence because of work.

You have really low standards and then you're surprised when your partner doesn't put your first either.

YOU need to stop being a domestic appliance that he puts his dick into.

YOU need to start prioritising YOU.

I think you need some serious psychotherapy to address your low self esteem and trauma.

But most of all, you need to dump him. That's your first act of self care.

"We are not compatible and I need to work on myself and put myself first. I need you to pack your bags and leave. It is over."

I feel sorry for you op!

Start being a selfish bitch. New you for 2024

Your upset about your ill health is being exacerbated by the glaring, upsetting fact that your partner does not care about you, at all. You will be happier alone, trust me. Get rid of this user and hope you feel much healthier soon.

I cover all the essential bills. His money is used for his credit card debts

😮fucking hell! What does he actually add to your life apart from frustration and expense? Has he got a solid gold dick or something?

You can't rely on him.

The mess in the flat wouldn’t bother me much in an emergency situation, but he definitely should have come to you in A&E. you’re already very reasonable for saying that you’d have understood if he had texted you. But really he should have been there for you. Being hungry or tired is no excuse, and my partner and I would also have prioritised being there for each other over work. I’d reevaluate the relationship. Sorry that you’re going through this.

This is another case of "What do you want me to Believe ? What you SAY or what your DO".

As someone has already said words are cheap, words come easy. I never trust Words without evidence of Actions that are consistent with what was said.

You ARE in an Abusive relationship. The abuse may be in a different format to your previous abusive relationship so may not be as easy for you to spot but I'm with the LTB posters.

Yeah, I was ready to say you were overreacting, but I don't think you are, he doesn't care and it's not what you want from a partner. Not being to leave work is one thing, but he should have checked on you regularly and come at the first opportunity. Sorry, I hope you feel better soon.

Op I am sorry your partner hasn’t provided you with support. His behaviour is not normal behaviour. Many people would show more empathy for strangers then he showed you.

Have you read the book ‘women who love too much’? I think it would be worth a read.

Does he contribute towards day to day costs in your home? Food, mortgage, bills?

Where are these places that all these Big Important Menz work? I’ve worked in several industries, and I’m now a manager. If a staff member had a DP who was severely ill in hospital, they would be out of the door with my best wishes within minutes. They wouldn’t even need to ask permission. No matter how busy it was. If it was me in that position, I wouldn’t ask permission either. If an employer ever tried to make me feel bad for leaving due to a seriously ill family member, or told me I couldn’t leave, I’d be looking for a new job ASAP.

Don’t leave your flat!! Pack up his belongings and take them to one of his friends or family members houses. Don’t let him back in, get the locks changed ASAP.

@Whatintheworldgirl One of the BEST bits of advice I had was with a colleague ( Male)
He had had a very abusive past and had served time in Scotland’s not so pleasant jails ( drugs)
before turning his life around.

His advice?

Be YOUR OWN “parent “
Be your OWN protector.

No one but a child needs these things from others.

It is very empowering to not have to rely on others for this.

As you have been in an abusive relationship, I wonder if you are drawn to arseholes?
It’s not an uncommon thing.

Healthy relationships don’t have one as the child and one as the parent.

Both pull together.

Regain your power!

Don’t rely on others.

What scares me the most is I don't know why I'm with him. I try and think and my brain just won't let me. Surely I have some good things to say!? What is wrong with me!? I genuinely can't get my mind to work. It's so frustrating 😭😭