Be brutal! I need it!

[Whatintheworldgirl]

A relationship hangs in the balance.

I ended up in hospital due to a peptic ulcer. I was in a&e for 19 hours, did it on my own because my partner had work and I said he needed sleep. So I somehow managed to walk there and stayed till I was seen 19 hours later. Which again is fine, the poor staff were doing everything they could with the strikes. Anyway. After I was finally seen and given Iv meds. One of the meds really didn't sit right with me. I got an explanation as to why when the surgeon came in but it was very very scary. I become very unwell and I couldn't see properly. I could see enough to see the little app bubble colours on my phone but I couldn't see the text as my eyes just turned into a blurry mess and I was panicked and scared. After doing this alone for over 20 hours I finally admitted defeat, that I needed a bit of support. So I managed to call my partner. I was crying and scared. He was at work at that moment. He said he would speak with his manager and come. I said no because I didn't want to cause problems but he then said all the right things. He would be there. He would protect me, keep me safe (I've been through a heavily abusive relationship in the past so that last line really got into my heart and I felt like I was finally protected) so I said okay while crying.

NOW I understand work. I understand it gets busy and I understand sometimes you genuinely can't leave. That is fine. However he just went MIA. I heard nothing from him for two hours. He works like ten minutes away. He then sent me a text saying it was super busy and he is hungry. This is after two hours of silence. Didn't check in. Didn't have two seconds to text me a very quick message saying it's too busy and he can't come. I would've accepted that. But no, he was too busy. So me being scared and in agony, just waiting and waiting. Waiting for him to show up like he said. Or atleast let me know he can't. He had portrayed he would keep me safe and I believed him. Anyway it's not the showing up that I'm upset about it's the fact he didn't excuse himself for literally a minute at most to text me to tell me he can't. I ended up getting so scared and freaked out I discharged myself and walked home which was a challenge because I live about 40 mins from the hospital. Arriving home after being awake and in a&e all night or around 24 hours at this point, the flat was a mess. Dirty dishes everywhere. Dirty clothes thrown about. It just frustrated me. I do everything I can while he's working so he doesn't come home to dishes and a mess. Why could he atleast do the dishes? Why couldn't he atleast send me a text saying he couldn't come. Why is everything such a chore?

I really feel like I'm done. Trying to bring this up to him when he got home from work he just said 'I didn't promise I could come'. And was defensive. No understanding or even compassion. Hasn't even asked what actually happened or what my diagnosis was. I just feel really angry. Why am I so angry?

Firstly- I’m sorry you are unwell. Please don’t let panic/anxiety stop you from getting treatment. Are you well now? Do you need follow up? Focus on you- getting better.

leave the dishes, leave the clothes etc. rest. Ask him to make your food, if not- get an online shop of soups etc. whatever works for your ulcer.

2nd- he’s shown you in the most unkind way that he doesn’t care about you. You were in emergency care on IV Antibiotics meaning you had a SYSTEMIC INFECTION so bad it can only be treated and monitored in hospital aka if not managed could head to sepsis and bad things. You don’t need to be a doctor to figure out you were in a bad way and to check in. Come during visiting hrs. Take your lunch break later to coincide with visiting hrs, tell work you need an he to figure out what’s happened etc. he did none of this and then let you down when you called.

you wouldn’t let an animal suffer alone and frightened yet he did that to you. You have a house mate at best but even then my housemates would have visited and brought clothes.
get well and end it. You deserve so much more. He doesn’t love you.

He doesn’t care about you. He has shown you his true colours and now I’d leave him.

please go and see your GP to continue your treatment too , hope you feel better!

@NoCloudsAllowed that's exactly it. I feel guilty and awful for being on benefits but I need that help while I'm too poorly to work. I pay for the entire flat and bills. Occasionally he will throw £10-£40 on the electric but that's very very rare. It's happened maybe 3 times in the last 2 years that he's lived here. I normally can handle it myself and don't see a problem but I feel like things are adding up and I'm just becoming really anti him and I don't know if that's me being dramatic or being right. I'm so lost

You need to become as ‘anti-him’ as humanly possible, don’t worry about that!

You have yourself a cock lodger OP.

You wont be any worse off with him gone. I promise, you WILL not only be ok, but better.

It feels like he is exploiting your vulnerabilities.

I hope you feel better!

OP: right now your health is the most important thing.

Your partner has proved himself unreliable, and yes that must be very very scary.

And now you know that the ONLY person who can look after you, and the person who can do that best is YOU. So please, please, call the hospital , maybe call the ward you were in, tell them you left because if MH pressure and fear, and you need to come back to find out what is wrong etc.

Though people more knowledgable about hospitals might have a better plan.

The brutal truth is we are never safe if our security rests with other people.

Throw this one back @Whatintheworldgirl as it is pond scum.
I wish were able to get some counselling/do the Freedom Programme to work on your boundaries and boost your self esteem.
After you have sorted your medical issues.
If you don't look after yourself, nobody else will 🌺

The best lesson I ever learnt in life is that nobody is ever going to prioritise you if you don't prioritise yourself. People look at how you treat yourself and use that as a marker of how they should treat you. I.e, put yourself last all the time and they will do this too, don't prioritise your health and they won't either.

When you're insecure your mind tells you that the person you love not seeming to care when you're upset means that you're not worth of love and care so you then react to that feeling and punish yourself to prove them right. This is self sabotaging. It should be the opposite. You are the only person you can rely on 100% in life, if you feel let down by someone then show up for yourself. Look after yourself and out yourself first. Once you start to do this you will also start to attract people (friends, romantic partners, whatever) who aren't piss takers.

He has shown you who he is. Believe him.

PUT THE WHOLE MAN IN THE BIN

You should be angry. It's your property so boot the pointless slob out, no need for arguing, tell him to get out immediately and get the police to assist if he misbehaves.
Avoid dating until you've worked on your self esteem and raised your standards hugely. Never date a shit man again.

First, you wanted / needed emotional support, he didn't give you.
Second, you needed / wanted he to do his share, he didn't do it.

We know our other half in times of need. He is being very under any reasonable standard.

As example: imagine he can't leave work. Takes nothing to check on you. Send you a voice note, get you some support in one way or another. "He was hungry" WTF? A sandwich do the job in a emergency situation like the one you were in.

You may came from an abusive relationship but this one is very imbalance as well. Get yourself well and star working on your standards, you clearly deserve better.

You deserve better op. Talk is cheap and he’s really let you down. I hope you’re feeling better.

WTF OP can't you see he a highly abusive cock lodger who cares not one bit about you. This is disgusting.
listen to us.

I have a feeling that if you a) end this relationship, and b) get some therapy, that your gastric problems will ease considerably too.

So this man lives with you for free. Does no household chores. And doesn't even ask how you are after you've left hospital? What does he bring to your relationship, how is he a partner?

Btw, I'm pretty sure this man is contributing towards your ill health with low level stress. Get rid.

He's not even pretending to like you, or care about you. If you want a partner, this isn't it, in any sense of the word.

I'm glad you're angry, and I'm glad you're done with him. Good on you for being able to see what's in front of your nose and not make excuses. My XH pulled something like this when I was in labour and it was the end of our relationship, I could never ever forgive him and it was over for me from the point I walked out of the maternity ward.

A partner that cared about you would not behave like this. He is showing you how little you matter to him. I’d not need to be shown twice.

OP, the ‘relationship’ is not worth saving. The first red flag is that when you told him to sleep instead of taking you to A and E he did just that! Absolute arsehole. Then he did NOTHING to redeem himself after that. He is a ratbastard of the first order and must be gone ASAP.

But you also need to get yourself back to the hospital pronto and back to being cared for. Do you have a friend or family member you can call on for support?

While I would like to think you could tell him it’s over, go back to hospital and instruct him to be gone by the time you return, there would be risks to that approach. I think you’re going to need friends around you to make sure he leaves for good.

I have been to A and E so many times with family members, like more times than I can count. I always go with them! I take a kit now, drinks, food, phone charger with plug, meds if they are likely to need them (you won't even get paracetemol in there). The idea of leaving a family member or even a friend in A and E on their own is abhorrent to me, I just wouldn't do it.

I'm sorry OP, he is so crap, but you know that now, he's not going to look after you and you will be better off on your own where you know where you are and perhaps asking friends/family for support if they are able (I know not everyone has that or they are not always able to help).

Sounds like you’re in another abusive relationship

As he’s at work, I would change the locks whilst he’s at work.

Can anyone help you put his stuff in black bin liners?

Echoing everyone else, you deserve better and he doesn’t care!
He should have WANTED to be there with you. I recently went to hospital for an injury, not life threatening but I was in pain and upset. A friend ( was there at time of accident) came with me and stayed for hours because she was worried about me and wanted to help. She isn’t even a particularly close friend but I hugely appreciated it and would do the same for her.
He should have wanted to be there with you. Sorry , this is no doubt very upsetting for you to realise.

Do you think he's going to take that request for him to collect his stuff and move out seriously? He should, of course. Cocklodgers often find a way of hanging onto to the free accommodation as long as possible. Where will he go?

I understand you don't want a confrontation but is there a way you can pack up his stuff ready and have a friend come to support you in getting him out later? Returned keys, of course. Well done for a sensible decision in getting rid.

You need to be anti-him, pro-you OP.

There's nothing wrong in being on benefits while you're ill, that's the whole point of the system. Be careful though, having a partner living with you can impact your benefits I think, did you notify them when he moved in? Now you don't need to as he will be moving out.

He does nothing for you, you do everything for him and you pay his living expenses. Unbelievable really.

Right now, prioritise your health. Once that's better, get shot of him, freedom programme and lots of work on improving your self esteem before you get into a relationship again. Otherwise you'll just get back on a bus to Twatland.

The only part you were unreasonable in is discharging yourself.