Be brutal! I need it!

[Whatintheworldgirl]

A relationship hangs in the balance.

I ended up in hospital due to a peptic ulcer. I was in a&e for 19 hours, did it on my own because my partner had work and I said he needed sleep. So I somehow managed to walk there and stayed till I was seen 19 hours later. Which again is fine, the poor staff were doing everything they could with the strikes. Anyway. After I was finally seen and given Iv meds. One of the meds really didn't sit right with me. I got an explanation as to why when the surgeon came in but it was very very scary. I become very unwell and I couldn't see properly. I could see enough to see the little app bubble colours on my phone but I couldn't see the text as my eyes just turned into a blurry mess and I was panicked and scared. After doing this alone for over 20 hours I finally admitted defeat, that I needed a bit of support. So I managed to call my partner. I was crying and scared. He was at work at that moment. He said he would speak with his manager and come. I said no because I didn't want to cause problems but he then said all the right things. He would be there. He would protect me, keep me safe (I've been through a heavily abusive relationship in the past so that last line really got into my heart and I felt like I was finally protected) so I said okay while crying.

NOW I understand work. I understand it gets busy and I understand sometimes you genuinely can't leave. That is fine. However he just went MIA. I heard nothing from him for two hours. He works like ten minutes away. He then sent me a text saying it was super busy and he is hungry. This is after two hours of silence. Didn't check in. Didn't have two seconds to text me a very quick message saying it's too busy and he can't come. I would've accepted that. But no, he was too busy. So me being scared and in agony, just waiting and waiting. Waiting for him to show up like he said. Or atleast let me know he can't. He had portrayed he would keep me safe and I believed him. Anyway it's not the showing up that I'm upset about it's the fact he didn't excuse himself for literally a minute at most to text me to tell me he can't. I ended up getting so scared and freaked out I discharged myself and walked home which was a challenge because I live about 40 mins from the hospital. Arriving home after being awake and in a&e all night or around 24 hours at this point, the flat was a mess. Dirty dishes everywhere. Dirty clothes thrown about. It just frustrated me. I do everything I can while he's working so he doesn't come home to dishes and a mess. Why could he atleast do the dishes? Why couldn't he atleast send me a text saying he couldn't come. Why is everything such a chore?

I really feel like I'm done. Trying to bring this up to him when he got home from work he just said 'I didn't promise I could come'. And was defensive. No understanding or even compassion. Hasn't even asked what actually happened or what my diagnosis was. I just feel really angry. Why am I so angry?

Oakleaffy nailed it. However to add, you told him no when he said that he would speak to his manager? Why?

You pay everything from benefits? How is that possible if he works? Is he on your claim or are you claiming as a single person? I'm not accusing you but wouldn't be surprised if he'd coerced you into doing so.

This !!
@Whatintheworldgirl Many years ago I had a similar uncaring arsehole whom I ended it with.

If this man was even halfway decent and loved you, he’d be at your side in the hospital.

I hope you feel a little better soon 🔜

A friend recommended “ Women who love too much”
Such an eye opener of a book.
Good luck and strength to you 👍

I'm so sorry you went through that and at such a vulnerable time. You're a strong women. I'm struggling because I've just spoken to him on the phone and I feel like I get all tongue tied. I feel so angry and like I have a lot to say but whenever I say anything he comes at me with something else and I get really confused. I don't understand my own mind. It's so stressful 😭

He keeps saying he thinks differently to me and he will change. We've had multiple conversations like this and after an hour my brain just shuts off. I genuinely don't know what to think anymore. What if this is just what men (no offence to any men on this post I'm just trying to understand) think like? What if he isn't at fault we just think differently. Will I ever find anyone who thinks like me or am I just being overly sensitive. I don't know 😭 I just thought it was respectful to atleast text. Like common sense but then when I say that he says it comes across as patronising. I'm so confused

I used to have friends. Since being ill, about 18 months ago I started really losing touch with everyone. I just kindve shut off which is totally my fault. I think I've just given up. I've given up on my health. I've given up on being happy. I just want my family to be happy and okay, I feel like I offer nobody anything positive. I'm just a burden. Especially now that I can't even eat. I hate myself 😭 sorry I'm moaning. Thank you for taking the time to respond x

You need to start putting yourself first & telling people what you want.

That said, a decent partner would have got up anyway & taken you.

Get rid & take some time to focus on you & getting better.

He said he wanted to be there but I told him to sleep. Which I did. What upsets me the most is when I finally recognised I needed support. That iv medication genuinely scared the life out of me not being able to see especially for such a long time. I'm upset because I know he's working. I know he can't come but he could've let me know. He could've excused himself for literally one minute. Say he desperately needed to loo and just text me so I knew not to wait for him. Not to feel like he was coming to help me. I feel so stupid. I'm glad you have a friend like that. Even if you're not particularly close. I hope you're okay now. Thank you so much for replying

The trigger for leaving and divorcing my husband was very similar, but less serious. I had day surgery and wasn't supposed to be left alone for 24 hours. He picked me up from the hospital, so far so good. We got home and I asked him to pop to boots real quick ( we lived on the high street so not even 5 mins) to get some pain killers. He went and I fell asleep two hours later he still wasn't back. Looked out the window and I could see him sat in the pub reading the paper. I text him and he didn't reply, called him and he lied saying they didn't have the painkillers and had gone to find a chemist. Wanker.

That's a shame the unanimous replies haven't helped whatsoever.
The scum needs removed from your property.

I don't have any friends. Well I have one but we are the type of friends who see each other once a year. She's a wonderful person but she's away a lot so I don't what to bug her to come plus she will probably be working.

I told him it's over. He's assumed it's about money even know I told him it was because of the reasons in the post. He's asked me to bring him my engagement ring and he will return it to help pay for bills 😭 just feels like a kick in the face. This is the second time he's done this regards our ring which to me feels like he's seeing our 'future' as flippant. Which I suppose is a good thing but it still hurts

I did notify them straight away. I'm annoyingly scared of everything so wanted to cover all bases. Since my bad relationship I seem to feel like there's dangers everywhere so I guess I'm overly cautious.

Confrontation is one of my weakest points. I try to stand my ground but when the conversation goes round and round in circles my mind just goes blank and then we are back to square one. Then I remain upset and hurt and he just says 'it's in the past, get over it'. I feel so pathetic!

I know. I'm such an idiot. It just got really overwhelming. I'm contemplating heading back but I just don't have the energy. Which I know sounds equally as pathetic

There is nothing wrong with you. Your brain is protecting you from a nasty situation by minimising it. I'm sorry but you are in another abusive relationship.

Get yourself back to hospital.
Get friends/mum to kick him out.
Get some therapy to work on your self esteem so you don't end up in a third abusive relationship.
Put yourself first and get better.
You can do this ❤

I don’t think you need talking down at all. You are very rightly angry. He sounds like a waste of space. Work is not the be all and end all, I would have just walked out if that was my partner no matter how busy it was. I would expect him to do the same for me. If it’s the case that his employer said he couldn’t leave I would be looking for a new job.

However, I will say that he probably didn’t expect you to discharge yourself so maybe would have made an effort to tidy up had he known. Maybe.

Were there healthy relationships between the adults in your life as you were growing up? If not, this can leave a very long lasting mark and require 'unlearning'.

There's very few jobs where everything falls apart if one person has to leave for a few hours or even the rest of the day

Most often, when people explain a situation like yours, most people listening are supportive even if it's going to be a bit difficult.

You know all you need to know from his behaviour, and I don't think it's pretty.

I don't know your relationship as a whole to say LTB, only you can answer that

He's asked me to bring him my engagement ring and he will return it to help pay for bills

I believe that, in law, an engagement ring is a gift. You can return it if you wish but it's actually yours to keep or sell or throw away. Yours, not his.

Funny how your health imploded 6 months after an abusive man moved into your house 🤔

@ManateeFair has a point. Why on earth did she do either of things.

Bet the ring was cheap from his work....
You have been saved from a lifetime of his twatness..

I don’t see this as victim blaming at all. Perhaps the OP struggles to ask for / accept help (because of her previous experience of relationships) and therefore does not necessarily communicate clearly when she needs help and support. That is what stands out for me. I can imagine that people might interpret OP’s behaviour as “Oh she’s ok…she says I should sleep / go to work…I don’t have to do anything…” when inside OP really wants help but doesn’t want to ask for it for fear of rejection.

OP I do not know how old this man child is but he is not your partner. he is your cocklodger. The ring? You must have paid for it 100000 times over. Tell him to get lost

yes you should sell the ring to pay a tiny fraction of the money he owes you for living in your flat without contributing for 2 years.

And no, not all men are like that. If I told my DH I was in agony/scared, he would be there as fast as he could, 100%.

OP, you feel like you're done because you are done.
He gave you all that 'I'll protect you' shit when you'd been in a&e for ages - he could have spouted that when you first felt ill, and accompanied you to the hospital. He didn't. You bravely did it all yourself. Then, when you couldn't go on any longer and asked for help, he let you down. Dishonestly, after saying he'd be there. With excuses like him being 'busy' and 'hungry'.
This isn't your fault in any way, it's his.
So ditch him now, before he has the chance to do it again.

eta: Ah, I see you have done! Good.
You aren't a burden, you're a decent, strong woman and he's a waste of space. Stick to your guns. Your life will be better without him.

He doesn't give a shit about you
He doesn't want a future with you
He doesn't want to marry you
you even pay his rent and bills (i'm guessing food too) out of your own benefit money.

You deserve better than this.