Be brutal! I need it!

[Whatintheworldgirl]

A relationship hangs in the balance.

I ended up in hospital due to a peptic ulcer. I was in a&e for 19 hours, did it on my own because my partner had work and I said he needed sleep. So I somehow managed to walk there and stayed till I was seen 19 hours later. Which again is fine, the poor staff were doing everything they could with the strikes. Anyway. After I was finally seen and given Iv meds. One of the meds really didn't sit right with me. I got an explanation as to why when the surgeon came in but it was very very scary. I become very unwell and I couldn't see properly. I could see enough to see the little app bubble colours on my phone but I couldn't see the text as my eyes just turned into a blurry mess and I was panicked and scared. After doing this alone for over 20 hours I finally admitted defeat, that I needed a bit of support. So I managed to call my partner. I was crying and scared. He was at work at that moment. He said he would speak with his manager and come. I said no because I didn't want to cause problems but he then said all the right things. He would be there. He would protect me, keep me safe (I've been through a heavily abusive relationship in the past so that last line really got into my heart and I felt like I was finally protected) so I said okay while crying.

NOW I understand work. I understand it gets busy and I understand sometimes you genuinely can't leave. That is fine. However he just went MIA. I heard nothing from him for two hours. He works like ten minutes away. He then sent me a text saying it was super busy and he is hungry. This is after two hours of silence. Didn't check in. Didn't have two seconds to text me a very quick message saying it's too busy and he can't come. I would've accepted that. But no, he was too busy. So me being scared and in agony, just waiting and waiting. Waiting for him to show up like he said. Or atleast let me know he can't. He had portrayed he would keep me safe and I believed him. Anyway it's not the showing up that I'm upset about it's the fact he didn't excuse himself for literally a minute at most to text me to tell me he can't. I ended up getting so scared and freaked out I discharged myself and walked home which was a challenge because I live about 40 mins from the hospital. Arriving home after being awake and in a&e all night or around 24 hours at this point, the flat was a mess. Dirty dishes everywhere. Dirty clothes thrown about. It just frustrated me. I do everything I can while he's working so he doesn't come home to dishes and a mess. Why could he atleast do the dishes? Why couldn't he atleast send me a text saying he couldn't come. Why is everything such a chore?

I really feel like I'm done. Trying to bring this up to him when he got home from work he just said 'I didn't promise I could come'. And was defensive. No understanding or even compassion. Hasn't even asked what actually happened or what my diagnosis was. I just feel really angry. Why am I so angry?

Did you miss the part where OP said she's previously been in a heavily abusive relationship? Her behaviour is absolutely typical of someone who has become conditioned to constantly placate and people please, it's incredibly common in abuse victims. I seriously hope she ignores your victim blaming bullshit.

I'm sorry your partner has showed you how low on his priority list you are OP, you have every right to be angry. I would seriously consider re-evaluation of your relationship with this man. And please go back to the hospital if your treatment was not complete, your health is so much more important!

He is a piece of shit. Get rid of him.
You should not have discharged yourself from hospital under any circumstances. You can die with an ulcer this bad.

I think this requires context. Many men would be like this (not all, but many!), men tend to think practically rather than emotionally.

What does he do? If he's say, a surgeon and got called in last minute, that's two hours of unavoidable incommunicado. If he's a policeman and got called into a case... same again.

Additionally, do you work? (Maybe I missed it). If he's the sole breadwinner, his job is important. You're in hospital, presumably being taken care of, his presence is simply a reassurance rather than a necessity. Job security is sometimes weighed more important than a handhold.

If he works in a shop, gets plenty of holiday/sick leave, if you both work, and if he was in good standing eith his employer (not on probation, PIP etc), then absolutely, he's being a dick.

I think discharging herself is because she felt frightened and alone, her partner treated her like it's all not a big deal, NHS left her waiting for nearly a whole day, everyone is minimising her pain and suffering she is doubting her own reality and felt guilty for needing help from NHS and partner because they both are minimising her pain. She probably already has a shakey sense of self worth.

Her partner probably triggered a trauma feeling of her being 'too needy' and 'an inconvenient' as well as being abandoned.

She probably went home because she wanted to escape the uncomfortable feelings that this situation was triggering, go back home and crawl into bed, forget all this because apparently she doesn't matter. Because if she stayed in hospital, they will either tell her it's serious and will remind her of her abandonment by flaky partner, making her feel unloved and alone or they will send her off with paracetamol and a note to see her gp in 2 weeks in which case she would probably have felt like she was a drama queen and her fear and worry were dramatic, attention seeking, making her feel guilty and gaslit about her genuine physical pain and emotional needs.

Thank you! That's makes a lot of sense. I have definitely pushed myself and in turn that's probably displayed I'm not actually feeling as bad as I am. I just feel like a burden when I show how I actually feel. I guess from my past relationship I feel like I need to pretend I'm great in order to not lose people. I get scared that they will think I'm hard work and walk away. That an issue I need to work on. Thank you. I shouldn't have left the hospital I just got so scared. Stupid events have lead me to intense anxiety. Another thing I'm trying to work on. I'm sorry. Thank you again

Ha! Crossposted with op. My comment above was in response to 'but why did you walk of?!' comments.

You’re angry because he’s treated you like shit and made it very very clear he does not care about you.

You need to leave this painful set up. It’s not a proper healthy adult relationship, it’s just an opportunity for self harm if you choose to stay in it.

Sorry you felt so awful and had such a scary time OP.

Ime being ill is a great test of the worth and strength of a relationship.. Ds and his quite recent gf both got Covid. Don't live together but bunked up at his to look after each other.. They came out the other side with a stronger relationship and no cross words!! As one would hope!
In your time of need you weren't his priority at all were you op?

I’m sorry but I respectfully disagree with this. My dh has a responsible job and often works 60 hour weeks but would still find time to drive me in and collect me from hospital, even if he couldn’t stay for all of it.

He definitely wouldn’t promise to come in and then disappear for two hours, and most people, even surgeons and policemen, would have an hour free in a nineteen hour day to go and see their dp in hospital. My dh wouldn’t leave the washing up for me to do when I got home either.

You're angry because the person who is supposed to be by your side has let you down repeatedly and the hospital incident, along with coming home to the mess crystalise that you are with a selfish, unacring partner..it is good to be angry, because this is wrong and you deserve better. It's a good sign that the fog is lifting and you are seeing things for what theh are.
Harness that anger to leave him.

Forget about your partner for now and focus on yourself. Discharging yourself may have been harmful for you. Do what you need to do to get some medical care asap.

@MonsteraMama

This has made me cry. Thank you for your support and care. Even know I'm a stranger you have jumped to my defence and have made me understand my own actions. Thank you so much 😭

I think this relationship needs to get in the bin, OP.

You can actually be really pleased with yourself - you were in a shit relationship in the past, now you've woken up to this one being one-sided and not delivering the respect and care you deserve. Value yourself and get rid of him.

I'd expect where one partner is in hospital, the other might try to keep up with work but would be checking in regularly and making it an absolute priority to visit whenever possible, bring clean clothes and food etc - basically providing whatever support the sick one needed, practically and emotionally. If partner is hungry, they get whatever they can from hospital shop or vending machine.

What you need to think about now is how to get shot of him, why you ended up doing all the housework in the first place, do you need further treatment for the ulcer. Take good care of yourself.

Drama llama vibes. It doesn't sound like the relationship is right. Hope you recover swiftly and in your next relationship really try hard to say what you want, no need to take on the subservient, martyr role.

you must have been exhausted and very very frightened. You know you shouldn’t have discharged yourself but I understand why you did. He couldn’t be bothered to even text you! Honestly there’s just no excuse for his shitness. Do you have anybody in real life you can contact? Mum, sister or friends? I think you need a warm, clean and calm place to try to rest before you make any decisions. This man isn’t your partner. He’s a selfish child. I hope that you start to feel better soon and I hope that you can find strength to remove yourself from this person because he doesn’t care enough about you to put you first.

He works in a jewellery shop. I will be honest here, I have gastroperisis so I'm currently on sick leave from work because it's caused a lot of health problems. Being unable to eat messes with my energy levels so I'm trying to build that back up. I will be back at work soon but while I've been away I've been blessed to be helped with by benefits. I cover all the essential bills. His money is used for his credit card debts which I understand will probably cause stress to him

You started this entire episode off by being a martyr. You gave him the understanding and the impression that you were coping. You minimised you, and so others did too.

Yes he's an idiot that he didn't read between the lines and that when you asked him to come to you, he didn't grasp the full extent of what you were feeling and or going through.

You're in control of you and no one else. If you need support, be explicit and ask for it. It is no ones job to 'protect' you but your own. You weren't in a war zone. You were in a hospital, safe and being treated. There are people living in actial wqr zones and getting on with it. You need perspective and to be rational.

Also, your previous relationship has caused a lot of harm, I am genuinely sorry that you went through that. Please access intense therapy to work through those issues because you are being unfair to yourself and your current relationship by not doing so. Helping someone suffering due to the acts of another is a heavy load. You have to help one another. You, by communicating clearly and remembering at all times, he is not your ex and him by recognising your need for connection to feel grounded and safe.

Ultimately strip it down, no one died.
You can both learn from this and stop doing so much at home. Share the load! Make sure he pulls his weight and TELL him that you actually need TLC and contrary to what you led him to believe, you can't and don't want to do this alone.

Feel better soon.

Oh my gosh. This has broken me. Thank you so much. You've given me a more clear understanding of exactly how I'm feeling. I've never been able to understand 😭😭😭 thank you so much. But also I'm so sorry. Your clear observations and intellect on the matter must mean you have experience and I am so so sorry! Xx

Dumpity dump dump time

You deserve more than someone who prioritises their lunch over you. What does he do for a job that doesnt warrant him being able to take emergency leave?

When I was in A and E during lockdown my husband stood outside the hospital for hours overnight because he wanted to be close in case I got worse.

That is the behaviour you should be striving for.

I would seperate two elements here:

1. The shitty communication and prioritisation from him is woeful and I would totally understand if you ended the relatioship over it. If he cannot communicate clearly with you and/or keep him promises then this is always going to be a disappointing and frustrating relationship for you. Regardless of where I was or what was happening, if someone told me they were coming to me - or going to try to come to me - and then didn't show up and didn't update me, they better have a bloody good explaination why they couldn't do so. It is common manners to keep you updated even IF he belived he had not made a firm commitment to come but simply to try to. (Also, I could never stand to live with anyone who left unwashed dishes and clothes lying about for when I got home. That alone would have me running for the hills).
2. You talk a lot about him protecting you. I'll try to say this gently (because I don't believe you need the brutality you asked for): no one can do that for you. You need to do it for yourself. Regardless of who they are, if you look to someone else for protection and safety, you are likely to always be looking. You are your own safety.

Exactly what @FragrantFinger said- ignore posts accusing you of martyrdom, if you have low self worth and you’ve been in damaging relationships, that’s not a choice, it’s an instinct. Be kind to yourself x

Thank you for being so understanding. I'm angry at myself for leaving. I'm angry at him for his actions. I'm a mess and my brain is so muddled and my body is just shit if I'm honest. I just don't feel like I can cope anymore. I'm packing my stuff and going to my mums. This is my flat and I pay for it so ideally I'd like him to not come here but I know if I stay tonight he will show up. To either have an argument or to get his stuff. I don't feel ready to see him so I've messaged him to arrange collection of his things 😭😭 I don't know if I'm jumping and being an idiot because I'm so upset and ill but I can't hide from it 😭😭

Op please stop saying you're sorry. You have absolutely nothing to apologise for. Are you able to get some help for your previous trauma and begin to work on yourself? Trauma has huge effects on the nervous system and your physiology. You need to feel safe and it doesn't sound like you do currently. Make yourself priority you deserve it. 💐

Ooof. So you're sick, managing on benefits, and pay all living expenses? Plus doing all the household chores, despite being sick? And he's dodgy with money and living with you for free while he clears debts?

LTB for your own mental wellbeing.

You’re angry because deep down you know he is not good enough for you.

So sorry and hope you get better soon.