Be brutal! I need it!

[Whatintheworldgirl]

A relationship hangs in the balance.

I ended up in hospital due to a peptic ulcer. I was in a&e for 19 hours, did it on my own because my partner had work and I said he needed sleep. So I somehow managed to walk there and stayed till I was seen 19 hours later. Which again is fine, the poor staff were doing everything they could with the strikes. Anyway. After I was finally seen and given Iv meds. One of the meds really didn't sit right with me. I got an explanation as to why when the surgeon came in but it was very very scary. I become very unwell and I couldn't see properly. I could see enough to see the little app bubble colours on my phone but I couldn't see the text as my eyes just turned into a blurry mess and I was panicked and scared. After doing this alone for over 20 hours I finally admitted defeat, that I needed a bit of support. So I managed to call my partner. I was crying and scared. He was at work at that moment. He said he would speak with his manager and come. I said no because I didn't want to cause problems but he then said all the right things. He would be there. He would protect me, keep me safe (I've been through a heavily abusive relationship in the past so that last line really got into my heart and I felt like I was finally protected) so I said okay while crying.

NOW I understand work. I understand it gets busy and I understand sometimes you genuinely can't leave. That is fine. However he just went MIA. I heard nothing from him for two hours. He works like ten minutes away. He then sent me a text saying it was super busy and he is hungry. This is after two hours of silence. Didn't check in. Didn't have two seconds to text me a very quick message saying it's too busy and he can't come. I would've accepted that. But no, he was too busy. So me being scared and in agony, just waiting and waiting. Waiting for him to show up like he said. Or atleast let me know he can't. He had portrayed he would keep me safe and I believed him. Anyway it's not the showing up that I'm upset about it's the fact he didn't excuse himself for literally a minute at most to text me to tell me he can't. I ended up getting so scared and freaked out I discharged myself and walked home which was a challenge because I live about 40 mins from the hospital. Arriving home after being awake and in a&e all night or around 24 hours at this point, the flat was a mess. Dirty dishes everywhere. Dirty clothes thrown about. It just frustrated me. I do everything I can while he's working so he doesn't come home to dishes and a mess. Why could he atleast do the dishes? Why couldn't he atleast send me a text saying he couldn't come. Why is everything such a chore?

I really feel like I'm done. Trying to bring this up to him when he got home from work he just said 'I didn't promise I could come'. And was defensive. No understanding or even compassion. Hasn't even asked what actually happened or what my diagnosis was. I just feel really angry. Why am I so angry?

How your partner acts when you are sick is one of the real tests of what sort of person and partner they are.
If they react compassionately and go out of their way to show they care for you, it is one of the best feelings you have in a relationship because you realise there is someone who really puts you and your wellbeing as a priority.
If they don't, it makes you feel really down because they are showing you just are not a priority to them. It's exceptionally hurtful. What you have described is the extreme end of hurtfullness and not caring to the extent of being mean.
I wouldn't stay with someone who acted like this.

OK, brutal it is - but honest.

He doesn't care about you.
He doesn't even really like you.
He likes the idea of a nice woman to run round doing his washing and making dinner for him.

He's a an ocean going, copper bottomed, lead lined, cast iron, gold plated shit.

LTB.

It doesn't sound good OP!
My sister who has a fantastic DH and lovely adult kids , still called me on the phone crying when she had an incident like this! so I get it!

Wait a second...Why does he owe on his credit cards to the point only YOUR money is being used for bills? What is he buying on credit?

Honestly, OP, he is sounding worse and worse. Please take care of yourself and go back to the hospital if needed. You deserve better and you have value FAR beyond being your NVDP's "helper".

Get to feeling better and then re-evaluate your relationship. Realize that you are worth much more love and attention than your NVDP is giving you. He should have been there for you and when he failed in that, he should have gotten you snuggled onto the couch or in bed and then cleaned everything up himself and gotten you whatever food or drink you needed. THAT is what you deserve.

Wow this is one of the worst of doucebag boyfriends I have ever heard.

I hope you receive the medical help you need.

Then when better get rid of him. You deserve better.

It's better to be single then with someone who makes you feel alone and under valued.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

I would end things over this 100%

Bloody jewellery shop. So not a surgeon in the middle of a lifesaving operation. Just couldn't be arsed. And lived with you for 2 years without contributing.
Don't leave! It's your flat. Do you have some friends or relatives who can come and be there while he packs his stuff and moves out?

@Whatintheworldgirl
I totally understand why you are upset and I’m so sorry you have been so poorly. 💐

I don’t think you are unreasonable to feel upset that he didn’t come when you asked.

I will say though, that it sounds like you are giving mixed messages and asking him to mind-read, which is may be confusing communication between you?

You took yourself to A&E, you told him that he needed to sleep, that he needed to work. You told him not to speak to his manager because you didn’t want to cause problems, and said you understand that sometimes you can’t leave work.

The messages you give out are: ‘don’t put yourself or anyone else out for me, look after yourself first, don’t cause a fuss, I’ll manage…’
and yet you are getting upset when he does indeed look after his own needs, keep working and not cause a fuss.

You say you have been in an abusive relationship, and I think perhaps it shows. I think you may need to start a) recognising what you want and need and b) communicating this clearly.

When you were crying down the phone, if you had said “I’m really ill and I’m scared, I need to leave work right away and come look after me asap, how soon can you get here?”
Would he have come?

Your partner can’t stand you being ill because you are meant to be catering to him in his mind.
He is a self obsessed CU next Tuesday!
Your partner lives with you rent/bill free so he can pay his credit cards off.
He needs to sponge off you or anyone that would put up with that!

You have become so conditioned from the abuse you received from a previous relationship that you accept people treating you like crap.
You need therapy to realise your self worth, you’re a Queen and deserve so much better than an abuser and a leach. Stay single and learn how to avoid people like that and start loving and valuing yourself through therapy.

Echoing what everyone else has said.

my ex didn’t give a shit about me when I was poorly, never asked how I was, diagnosis etc.

you got this on your own doll ❤️

Have you got anyone who can help you change locks or get a locksmith, he won’t be keen on leaving and paying out as he is a complete leach so don’t be surprised if he shacks up sharpish with someone else as he probably gone through his whole life a sponger

you will never get love from these types of people because they are only interested in loving themselves.

You are dodging a bullet by getting rid of him OP

Op, everyone here has said enough about this rat of a man but the person whom you should be worrying about and focussing on is you. Be kind to yourself, put your needs first, demand love and care from those who claim to love you, dont walk away from your health problems, dont feel guilted into bowing and scraping before useless abusive fucks like your partners, be gloriously angry and find your LOUD voice. Dont ask others to be brutal - you already know why you are angry. Trust yourself.
Best wishes, Op.

You are not his priority.

I hope you feel better soon.

You asked for brutality, and here it is: He has shown you, unequivocally, that he does not love you. He doesn't even care about you as a friend. Not even a small amount. Even an flatmate would have done more.

His money is used for his credit card debts which I understand will probably cause stress to him

End it. You've gone from an abusive relationship to one which might feel better but he is at best a useless cocklodger and at worst may also be abusive, just maybe not quite as abusive or in a slightly different way.

End the relationship, get him out of your flat. Take care of your physical health. You are worth that. And then do some really hard work via things like therapy and the freedom programme before you get into another relationship.

Be brutal - ok.

End it he's not contributing fairly or supporting you when it counts most. Based on what you have said he's an arsehole. You deserve so much more. Look for someone better.

Why on earth did you discharge yourself and walk home. That was dangerous and stupid.

*Pixiedustandtwinkletoes6" · Today 11:38

I hope you receive the medical help you need.

I think that the best medical treatment would be to take him to the vet and say, "Timmy can't get out any more."

Honestly?

Get rid of him.

Also honestly?

Learn to communicate better.

If you want someone to come and be with you in hospital, you say "I want you to come and be with me now." Don't say "No, you need to sleep, work, look after yourself, etc." and expect them to interpret that as "Come now".

Most decent men would have come to the hospital anyway, but to be fair to him, he did exactly what you asked him to do and looked after himself first.

Yeah, this.

It is really, REALLY passive-aggressive to tell someone not to bother themselves about you and then get upset at them when they believe you and do just that.

It is also p-a to decide to walk all the way home and blame someone else because you decided to do this. This is just a pity party that you had all by yourself.

I am willing to bet that you also 'understood sometimes you genuinely can't leave' out loud to him when you called him. If you didn't then yeah, he is a shit. But going by all your other actions it is most likely you did.

It will help your future relationships with everyone, not just your partners if you work with someone who can help you not play games like this.

Oh please, please dump this piece of garbage.

Being protected/kept safe (in the 'responsible for' sense) is something you'd associate with a parent/child relationship. Or a carer/patient relationship. Its not a need thats going to be conducive to establishing a healthy romantic relationship. This guy is an absolute loser, and I fear that (unless you adjust your own expectations) the pattern will repeat.

That's absolutely vile behaviour from him and I am very sorry he didn't prioritise you.

Bin the fecker. You deserve a king because you, are a queen.

My husband would drop everything for me.

For example, I had to go abroad for ivf alone due to costs which was made worse because it was during covid lockdowns.

He stayed on the phone with me day and night and just read books aloud to me. He stayed on the phone to me until he could hear I'd fallen asleep.

He prioritises me now. Had a bad night with the baby, nursing and so he got up with her and I slept in till noon.

He cooks for me, brings me drinks. He still reads to me to help me relax.

What does your partner do for you?

He's a fucking dick. But this.

I'm 48 and it's taken me far too long to realise how important clear communication of your needs is in a relationship. Wishy washy and hints is going to leave you frustrated and let down. At least if you clearly communicate your needs, if they aren't met, you have a clear picture.

He's a cock lodger and cant even step up when you are sick, just what are you getting from this relationship?

Do the Freedom programme https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

You dont need brutal, you need telling that you deserve a lot better than abusive men and cocklodgers.

you ar being abused but also just say what you want men just dont do hints or pass agg comments

and if the flat is in your name only just change the locks