AIBU - partner wants to go and help dying grandad in 2 weeks after our baby is born

[ndavies22]

So I'm currently 37 weeks pregnant and my partner is going to be taking 2 weeks paternity leave from work when baby is born. Sadly, this year, his grandad found out he has pancreatic cancer and this week we found out it is stage 4 metastatic. He doesn't have an official prognosis but we know it is likely to be months than years. The problem is is that his grandad has 3 building sites, with no houses in a liveable condition (he and his wife currently live in a caravan on one of the sites). So now he has had this diagnosis he is expecting everyone to help sort out the houses/building sites to get them into a liveable condition. My partner seems to think he will be able to go off during his paternity leave to help his grandad, rather than being here with me and the baby.

Am I being unreasonable to think that his grandad has made this mess himself and should probably just pay for help to sort it out rather than expecting his family to drop everything for him?? I should also add, my partners family are very traditional and think that my place is to look after the baby so I should just suck it up and deal with it.

Would love to know your thoughts? Thanks ☺️

How inconvenient his dgf is dying.

I would be fine with him taking some time to spend with his grandad.

Not fine with him spending the paternity leave on a building site.

I'd say 2 days max. And only when / if you have other help around.

God aren't some people so bloody inconsiderate. Fancy dying during dh paternity leave.

I think you are being unreasonable, and I say that kindly.

You will be fine with baby for a couple of weeks.

congratulations in advance

My relative lived for weeks not months after a diagnosis of Pancreatic cancer

Pancreatic cancer is evil, and if it's stage 4 he'll be lucky if he has even a few good months before he sadly dies.

YABU. Let DP go and spend some time with his grandfather and helping his family.

If dh was going to spend time with his grandfather, I would suck it up. To work on a building site, nope, baby and you come before that.

Well, I guess it shows where your partner’s priorities are. But it is something you really need to discuss and to come to an agreement on. If him and his family see you as the home help and baby producer, and you don’t. Then you’re better off leaving now. Sorry

Is there no one else from the family that can help?

OP wasn't v sensitive in her post but getting random family members to help ad hoc in getting a building site house into a livable state seems like an absolutely terrible idea. Much better to get professionals in.

This.

My wonderful relative had a matter of weeks also. Diagnosed completely out of the blue last Christmas, dead by Easter.

Well trust the typical MN users to act like OP is making out that a terminal illness is an inconvenience. It's nothing to do with the grandfather dying it's the fact that there is work that needs to be sorted out and her partner is planning on doing this rather than helping OP right after birth. Paternity leave is for that purpose.

You need to set boundaries of how much time you feel would be appropriate if your partner is going to be doing some work, but this isn't time off to do another job while you struggle alone.

I’d have been fine with this, with a proviso that if you have a section or birth injury or there are any issues with your baby, you’ll need more support.

Do you have family around who can help you?

At stage IV with that cancer it could be anytime. You are very selfish to stop your partner from helping his grandfather in his final weeks.

Am I being unreasonable to think that his grandad has made this mess himself

I don't think he planned on developing terminal cancer. Wtf are you talking about.

You need to give your head a wobble.

I should probably add that his grandad has not always been there for my partner. He has expected a huge amount from him over the years with barely a thank you. I absolutely think he should be spending time with his dying grandad, but I see this more as free labour rather than 'quality time'. Even when he got his cancer diagnosis, he didn't think ahead to what might happen and that he should probably start sorting his affairs out.

I agree that him going to spend some time with his dying grandfather would be reasonable especially if he's going downhill.

I don't think it's ok for him to spend his paternity leave doing building work.
Can the grandparents afford to pay someone? Are other family members helping?

Wow. You seem nice.

Dh will have plenty of time to be a df after the funeral. Maybe his dgf wants his family round him and is using the building work as an excuse. Would anyone begrudge an old man that?

Yeah I couldn't get mad at this either. He has forever with your baby, he has finite time with his grandad

I don't think either of you are being particularly unreasonable, he obviously wants to spend time with and support his family and you are worried about lack of support when you are at your most vulnerable. Does he expect to be able to spend the whole of the 2 weeks helping or are you able to reach a compromise and he could spend a few weekends before baby arrives and maybe a couple of days at most if you can handle it on his paternity leave? Is he open to discussion and flexibility?

I had to have emergency csections and was hardly able walk for the first week so if he isn't willing to give your new family prioity then I'd say that will be an issue.

I think the prognosis is likely to be weeks rather than months I'm afraid. I've just been through this with a dear friend and I'd encourage you to support him seeing his grandfather and helping out.
While I'm sure it's nice to have someone around when you've just had a baby it's perfectly possible to cope on your own for a bit. Presumably your partner will come home in the evenings? He won't miss out by not being with baby much for a couple of weeks but he may not have much time left to spend with his grandad.

I don't think your partner should commit to anything other than supporting you during his paternity leave as neither of you have any idea how the birth will go or how much support you'll need. It may be possible for him to go help his grandad for a few days, or it may not.

I'd suggest you try and hide your stunning lack of compassion and disdain for his grandfather when discussing this with him though.

Spending time with his grandfather wouldn't be an issue for me.

But getting random (unskilled?) family members to sort out these building sites is a terrible idea and will take far too long. His grandfather needs liveable accommodation ASAP so should be paying professionals to create a home as quickly as is practicable. If he doesn't have enough cash for that - he needs to sell one or two of the sites and get a bridging loan in the interim.

Or sell them all and rent somewhere nice - that would be his best plan tbh. He has very little time left and should be spending it as comfortably as he can, not pursuing projects which are now impractical.

Do you mean he'll be close to home and be there with you and the baby at night, or that he'll be disappearing to a different part of the country for two weeks? If it's the first YABU, if it's the second not so much.