AIBU - partner wants to go and help dying grandad in 2 weeks after our baby is born

[ndavies22]

So I'm currently 37 weeks pregnant and my partner is going to be taking 2 weeks paternity leave from work when baby is born. Sadly, this year, his grandad found out he has pancreatic cancer and this week we found out it is stage 4 metastatic. He doesn't have an official prognosis but we know it is likely to be months than years. The problem is is that his grandad has 3 building sites, with no houses in a liveable condition (he and his wife currently live in a caravan on one of the sites). So now he has had this diagnosis he is expecting everyone to help sort out the houses/building sites to get them into a liveable condition. My partner seems to think he will be able to go off during his paternity leave to help his grandad, rather than being here with me and the baby.

Am I being unreasonable to think that his grandad has made this mess himself and should probably just pay for help to sort it out rather than expecting his family to drop everything for him?? I should also add, my partners family are very traditional and think that my place is to look after the baby so I should just suck it up and deal with it.

Would love to know your thoughts? Thanks ☺️

If he cares that much, he should get paid or unpaid annual leave before the baby comes and use that to go help. That way HE is contributing. If he goes up during pat leave, he is taking something from YOU to give to his grandfather, so effectively asking YOU to contribute instead.

It won't be "together" though? The grandfather isn't going to be working with them on site, because he's dying.

He will be with his wife in the caravan, not participating in this as a shared, comforting experience. If the caravan is on site, this dying man will be surrounded by noise and disturbance all day long. His relatives will be working insane hours if they are trying to do this while he's alive.

I think the priorities are the people involved, the OP and their new baby and the dying dgf; fixing up a house and bringing that stress on a new father who is soon to be bereaved doesn't make a lot of sense.
How much work are we talking about and is he expected to do this alone?
I stick with what I said originally, visit dgf but the OP and new baby are the priority.

What does this project entail? I assumed it was many family members and friends all helping with a project that was near completion with permitting etc all take care of.
Is this in the UK?
It's unreasonable for the family to expect him to do this work at such a crucial time for his own new family.

I think you're getting a hard time OP. Having a baby is incredibly hard. Plus you've no idea what kind of birth you'll have and how quickly you'll recover. You're not at all unreasonable to expect your DH to use his paternity leave to look after his own family.

The first year is brutal enough, when you have a fully supportive engaged partner. He's already setting the tone thst he thinks looking after the baby is your job. Sort this now otherwise this will be your life for the next 18 years.

It's terrible news about his DGF, but I agree, he's not going to spend time with him, he's going as free labour to sort out his mess. That's not something that should be priority over his own wife and child.

We obviously disagree about what constitutes "doing the right thing" here. I would see "the right thing" as finding him comfortable accommodation, spending time with him, helping him get his affairs in order as far as is possible. But slaving to try to turn building sites into homes in a matter of weeks? That's just a fantasy.

You sound lovely!

I don't think you're being particularly unreasonable either OP. Visiting a couple of hours a day to see dying Grandfather, fine but leaving a scared new Mum with zero support to sort out a house for Grandfathers wife isn't on. His own wife and new child need him. As heart less as it sounds, Grandfather and wife messes up their living situation, he shouldn't expect his Grandson to be sorting it out during the birth of a Great Grandchild.

I know, some people are just soooo inconsiderate 😒

We all choose to live our life the way we want. That's perfectly fine until you get into older age and your choices impact other people far too much. Spending quality time with a dying relative is obviously a good thing, digging and hod carrying plastering and bricklaying et al not so much.. Grandfather should get his affairs in order and make sensible decisions and plans and not expect your husband and various relatives to suddenly pitch in and get them out of the mess they've chosen to make. I say this as an older person.

I see your point and absolutely new mums should absolutely be supported by their OH.. but gently, OP's partners grandfather is dying. Once he's gone, he's gone. It's unfortunate that this is coinciding with the birth but it can't be helped.

Many mothers go it alone. With the greatest respect, whilst its definitely tough; it's not rocket science to look after a newborn baby. If we couldn't do it without the help of men the human race would've died out long ago.

This.

Who is everyone else & what can realistically be done?

How far away would your husband be going?

For example could he spend mornings & evenings with you?

It's such an unknown quantity & really I would have thought a case of wait & see how you feel.

Yes I lost all four of my grand parents to cancer over the last ten years and my mum just two years ago. I understand the process only too well.

spending quality time is paramount. Not jumping on a building site. How cruel to make him choose between his limited leave with his own new family and working for dgf. He should be choosing mum and his baby during the paltry two weeks paternity leave men get. This is not a sisters are doing it for themselves moment, it’s setting the tone for the start of their journey as mutually supportive coparents.

Your dh needs to do what he thinks of right for his dying gf and himself. They are unlikely to be able to fix the homes but it that makes his gf feel supported and loved, and takes away some of his worries in his final weeks why not.

They will not be able to get recommended professionals booked in quick enough.

I would let my dh go and do what he feels he needs to do in the difficult circumstances.

@ndavies22 oh dear. it might shock you into realising that you can actually cope without him if decides to abandon you! you will be in a stronger place to throw him out if he goes. I am with you OP. grandad should really have been more sensible re the building sites. who even does that?

I agree with this. I had a c section and could not have coped without my husband the first couple of weeks. Physically but also emotionally as my hormones were all over the place after the birth and sleep deprivation adds to this.

I would be fine with him taking some time to spend with his grandad.

Not fine with him spending the paternity leave on a building site.

This.
I am surprised with the answers.
From what the OP says, he won't be spending time with his Grandad, he will be out labouring.

I'm so sorry OP, what a stressful situation for you to deal with just as the birth is coming up!

I sense that you feel sorry for the GF, but also very rightly are concerned for your own needs and your babies needs.

Lots of panicked responses here making assumptions about the GFs prognosis, but I think you really need some more information to figure out what's reasonable. If he has weeks left, then surely your partner should be taking compassionate leave from work now to help, pat leave may be too late? And if he has months left or longer, then the pressure to work on site during pat leave is less, and he could probably use holiday or compassionate leave at another time.

Ultimately I think the best way to deal with the problem is to sit down with your partner and talk, and be vulnerable. Tell him how sorry you are about GF diagnosis, and completely understand that he wants to help. But that he is about to have a baby, and depending on how things go with the birth, you may need more help than he realises - if you end up needing an emcs, and can barely sit up for first few days, he can't really leave you by yourself, has he thought about this?

Often when hearing a terminal diagnosis for a loved one, we just want to fix it and "do something" because it makes us feel better, like we are fixing the problem in some way, so it could be that your partner feels this way, and helping to finish the house is emotionally tied up with not losing his GF, but he is unlikely to have fully processed these feelings, so I would tread carefully in asking him to step away from that task, which is potentially fulfilling that unrealised emotional need. I would lead with explaining your needs and expectations, from a place of love and understanding and compassion.

I think it would be entirely reasonable to ask him to compromise, and split the time between you and the baby, and the building site, depending on what you need after your birth.

Good luck OP

It's a tough one OP, I think you need a balance. Is it your first? I know others have said you'll be fine on your own but I absolutely would not have been able to cope on my own for the first 2 weeks of my newborn. Do you have family who can help you? Obviously you don't want to stop your partner seeing his dying grandad but I agree being on a building site is maybe something that could be outsourced.

This, absolutely. I am surprised at some of the posts.

His gf has been terribly irresponsible to have no liveable properties. He couod rent an Airbnb and sell one of the 3 building sites if money is an issue.

Would he just be going and doing it in the day?
I wouldn't mind a few days here and there. I would obviously want him to go see his grandad, but think if he's on paternity leave he should be mainly supporting you and his newborn. As others have said you don't know how the birth will go yet, you'll likely be in pain and needing the support.

Literally the reason he had the time off work is to look after his wife and child. It's not holiday to use how you fancy.

She and the baby will be there after the grandfather has passed. There's only a certain amount of time left for him to see his grandfather before he's gone. He will be a father for the rest of his life. He will be there for OP and baby in the evenings and nights. In my opinion, that's when it matters the most.

There is more than one perspective here and we only get to see OP's.

Exactly. Posters are horrified if a partner goes off to a stag do during paternity leave. Yet apparently this is fine. The accommodation issues are all of the gf’s making and there are options, which don’t involve taking a 2 week block of time away from a woman, when she is at her most vulnerable. Paternity leave was established to support the mother. Lack of support can lead to PND.

I don't think anyone in the family really has taken in this latest news properly to be honest. Say he has a maximum of 2 months (incredibly unlikely) he will not spend those 2 months mobile and independent and able to tolerate all the building work and moving about. They are not going to complete a renovation in an appropriate timescale for him to die in it. Then they need to get hospital bed and commode etc all delievered in a tight timescale. Admittedly they may be doing it more to provide a home for the grandmother once she is windowed to give the grandfather some closure.

It's much more likely to be weeks and he will likely deteriorate pretty fast and need a lot of support and a hospice stay could potentially be more appropriate but they have to come to that themselves. Hopefully as things progress and they begin chats with Palliative Care teams they can explore this.

I can understand your trepidation around your imminent birth. It is an entirely natural thing to want to hunker down as a family unit and get support with your newborn. However sadly I think you are looking at a fairly similar time frame for his GF death and he is not unreasonable for wanting to be with him. Can you factor in a second line of support in case he has to be away like someone in your family to stay with you?