AIBU - partner wants to go and help dying grandad in 2 weeks after our baby is born

[ndavies22]

So I'm currently 37 weeks pregnant and my partner is going to be taking 2 weeks paternity leave from work when baby is born. Sadly, this year, his grandad found out he has pancreatic cancer and this week we found out it is stage 4 metastatic. He doesn't have an official prognosis but we know it is likely to be months than years. The problem is is that his grandad has 3 building sites, with no houses in a liveable condition (he and his wife currently live in a caravan on one of the sites). So now he has had this diagnosis he is expecting everyone to help sort out the houses/building sites to get them into a liveable condition. My partner seems to think he will be able to go off during his paternity leave to help his grandad, rather than being here with me and the baby.

Am I being unreasonable to think that his grandad has made this mess himself and should probably just pay for help to sort it out rather than expecting his family to drop everything for him?? I should also add, my partners family are very traditional and think that my place is to look after the baby so I should just suck it up and deal with it.

Would love to know your thoughts? Thanks ☺️

Not sure what the laugh is for - it's not just "here have a couple of weeks off work on the government" is it?
of course no one is going to know or care if part of the leave is spent visiting a relative or playing golf. But you are not granted the PL in the first place if a baby you are responsible for has not just been born.
I think you're mixing this up with taking regular annual leave.

On a practical note Who, would be the actual beneficiary of the DP's unpaid labour?

In the time scales concerned it's unlikely that the Grampa will get moved into the house. So it's not him who'll benefit.

Is Step-Granny going to get her hammer out once Gramps is gone?
Or will she decide to pay some people?

She doesn't need 3 properties, I'll assume she'll get one sorted to live in and the other two to a stage where they are mortagable and sell.

Will Gramps family see any of the money? Or will it all go to her side?

There is so much to consider but it's just not on to expect a new Dad to prioritise these building projects over his wife and baby.

of course no one is going to know or care if part of the leave is spent visiting a relative or playing golf.

That’s exactly why I laughed.

But Blossomtoes this is not someone doing a day trip, it's a man saying he will use up the two weeks PL for a project that is nothing to do with his newborn or his wife. That's what's not acceptable, and his employer would not view it as acceptable.

If this were an ordinary visit, or to help someone who was elderly but not dying, I would say YANBU. But stage 4 pancreatic cancer has sadly a very poor prognosis; he'd frankly be lucky even to have months. So under the circumstances YA probably BU. And certainly it is unfair to blame the grandfather for not planning things properly, and to deny him help on these grounds. As pp have said, is there any possibility of paying for at least some professional help with the building work?

But there is nothing his employer could do about it. How would they even know how he spent his time?

He is entitled to the time off. They have the required paperwork to claim the statutory benefit back from HMRC.
That will be the extent of the employers concern. Privately they may judge if he doesn't support his wife but nothing they can do if he spends it on Grampas house, in the pub or in bed.

His employer will not know or care, so long as the paperwork is correct.

His employer would never know. He could go to Thailand for a fortnight’s holiday and they’d be none the wiser.

Wow. It's a statutory right, hard won like all the maternity rights. I've seen women on here slated for taking a job when pregnant, despite having the right to do so - oh but think of your employer, you're taking the piss etc.
But a man abusing a right gained for men to bond with babies and support them and their partners? Somehow it's the OP who is getting stick for this!

I don't think there is any in the legislation on what the many had to do.

He can claim if even if he doesn't live with the woman giving birth. I am not even sure he needs to show a mat1 form.

Also, is there any chance that the employer would grant at least a few days of compassionate leave in addition to the statutory paternity leave? Probably not, especially as it involves a grandparent rather than a parent, and your dh was not his regular carer; but it could be worth investigating.

Most employers only pay the statutory £178 per week so even if the chap is actually taking the piss, it's only cost the employer £350 more than them just having unpaid leave for 2 weeks. So it's really not a concern.

(It may be more of you get enhanced paternity pay but that's pretty rare.

I’m with you OP. You are important too. Your H is having paternity time not special leave he should be more supportive of you and his child.
I don’t know what the family dynamic is, is gd close or in another country? These are all factors.
If H must go he needs to make sure you and baby are well enough to be left and ensure someone is there to help you in his absence.

Op isn't objecting to her DP visiting the Grandfather.

She is objecting to DP spending 2 weeks DIYing on Grampas house. Grampa is unlikely to benefit from that labour.

Grampa has screwed up by having 3 houses he's working on and not getting one completed before tackling the next. But ultimately Grampa wife is going to need to pay builders to complete all 3 projects

I think more people will know and care that the paternity leave isn’t being used to care for a baby than you might think. This sort of thing gets around in the workplace especially if any colleagues live close, want to see the baby, use social media etc etc and are picking up the slack of a missing colleague. This thread itself devalues paternity leave - many clearly see it as bonus holiday which is probably why my employer will only pay enhanced in a tight window post birth, to stop it being abused. As a pp said, back in the day, longer hospital stays were standard to look after the Mum and in other countries, it is normal to stay in bed for a week to recover or even to check in to a specialist care facility where the mum is looked after. It’s depressing that the needs of the woman and child are bottom of the heap here. No wonder @ndavies22 is feeling down.

*burnoutbabe · Today 10:49

Most employers only pay the statutory £178 per week so even if the chap is actually taking the piss, it's only cost the employer £350 more than them just having unpaid leave for 2 weeks. So it's really not a concern.

(It may be more of you get enhanced paternity pay but that's pretty rare.*

Paternity leave is a government funded benefit. the cost to the employer even with statutory, is the admin to claim the state funding and the loss of the employee for that time period. My employer has the employee sign a declaration of eligibility including a statement that the leave will be used to look after the child and mother and a warning that using it for anything else is a disciplinary matter. That’s fair; there may be other people with sick relatives who could use some time to help them but don’t have a baby due. The father to be needs to access the appropriate policy not short change his wife.

I haven't read the whole thread but if you're 37 weeks there's a good chance the gf won't even be here when you give birth, especially if you go over your EDD.

Any house renovation is time consuming - I think the expectation that DH can swoop in and make a building site a habitable home for GF to spend his last days is extremely unrealistic and must be putting a huge amount of pressure on DH. Id be really concerned that DH was setting himself an impossible task that would take him away from his wife, new baby AND his GF, with the end result being he hasn't actually helped anyone!

Does your DH understand how brutally quick pancreatic cancer is? It sounds like nobody involved has really accepted the limitations here. Do the professionals involved in GF care know the family plan? Maybe encourage DH to speak to one of them so they can be the ones to tell him how crazy the whole thing is.

I really feel for you OP, and your DH - however, as brutal as it sounds I wouldn't waste my time arguing about it as it's really unlikely to even be an issue when realistically paternity leave could be 5 weeks away. Even if GF is still around for the birth of your child I would imagine by that point it'll be obvious to all that DH is not going to be able to make this right, and other options will have to be considered.

I hope your birth goes smoothly

Birth and the immediate aftermath is a minefield for potential unforeseen complications, especially if there's already a child that requires care. It's a complete folly to commit to anything in that window in advance. Paternity leave isn't a jolly, it's to support the mother, baby and other dependents and it's cheaper for the state to pay fathers to do it (plus the bonus of bonding) compared to resting mothers on post-natal wards for a week as standard as 40+ years ago.

Visiting the grandfather in the limited window he has left is reasonable, and better sooner rather than later if OP is able to manage/ supported.

If the houses are building sites, they will not be restored to a habitable condition within a month, even by a team of skilled trades. They will not be sold off in that window either. OP's DH sorting that out with a couple of week's work is a fool's errand even if it was annual leave, not time that is freed up to support OP at a time when she is very emotionally and physically vulnerable.

I am surprised at some of these responses saying you're being unreasonable OP.

If he needs to go to his grandfather's bedside for a day or two, that's one thing. Spending the entire paternity leave sorting out a mess that's his grandfather's own doing is quite another.

What his family think you and he should be doing in terms of childcare is irrelevant. You two need to sort it out between you and try and come to some sort of compromise without him being pressured by them.

People on here seem a bit mental. Spending time with a dying old man is not the same as doing a shit ton of building works. And for what? As many people have said, the old man will not be benefitting from the building works as. Nothing will be completed whilst he is alive. People in here seem to think it is reasonable for the baby's father to go off to do pointless building works that will not benefit a dying man rather than support his wife and baby during paternity leave. Why? I have not heard a single explanation for why going building work that will not benefit a dying man is more important than supporting his partner and baby. The clue is in the name. Paternity leave.