AIBU - partner wants to go and help dying grandad in 2 weeks after our baby is born

[ndavies22]

So I'm currently 37 weeks pregnant and my partner is going to be taking 2 weeks paternity leave from work when baby is born. Sadly, this year, his grandad found out he has pancreatic cancer and this week we found out it is stage 4 metastatic. He doesn't have an official prognosis but we know it is likely to be months than years. The problem is is that his grandad has 3 building sites, with no houses in a liveable condition (he and his wife currently live in a caravan on one of the sites). So now he has had this diagnosis he is expecting everyone to help sort out the houses/building sites to get them into a liveable condition. My partner seems to think he will be able to go off during his paternity leave to help his grandad, rather than being here with me and the baby.

Am I being unreasonable to think that his grandad has made this mess himself and should probably just pay for help to sort it out rather than expecting his family to drop everything for him?? I should also add, my partners family are very traditional and think that my place is to look after the baby so I should just suck it up and deal with it.

Would love to know your thoughts? Thanks ☺️

50% of people diagnosed with pancreatic cancer are dead within 3 months.
Have some compassion, he wants to help.

If this is your first baby I am sure you are nervous and want the support of your husband, we all need a lot of help with a newborn. Have you discussed it with your husband and told him how much you need him right now? I would also think that of course he should visit his grandad who is dying but not help with the houses until the baby is a couple of months old at least. 3 houses aren't going to suddenly be done in 2 weeks that will be months of work at the very least, plenty of time for him to help. If the family is trying to get one into a livable state for his dgf to move into asap I can see the rush but is it feasible? Can you agree to him helping for 4 days or something? Is there a way to compromise?

Don't forget you chose to marry a man with a very traditional background and traditional expectations so it's unlikely he suddenly going to change his values and priorities. The positive side is he cares about his family and wants to help and sounds like a man who will be very practical in getting work done around the house and is responsible and hardworking. He may also not anticipate how he is going to feel once the baby is here, he may suddenly want to be with you both and not be so keen to be away for 2 weeks.

See if the two of you can come to a compromise.

I doubt any of that would be achievable within the short amount of time he has left.

This. The op hasn’t said she doesn’t want him to help, I think it’s pretty understandable that she doesn’t want her oh to spend his paternity leave not helping her and the baby (which is what it’s for)! Also I get what the op means when she says the grandad created this mess. How on earth has he ended up with 3 building sites but no houses that are liveable? And why has he down absolutely nothing about it until now, where he apparently expects his family to suddenly sort the whole lot out? What are these sites even for? If a house is necessary for his wife before he passes, can’t the other plots/sites be sold off, and just one house concentrated on?

Your partner wants to help his grandad. He is dying

Yes be nice to have him around to help you after baby but he will be about for years

Grandad won't

Fwiw my dh went back to work 5 days after mini blondes was born as had to as se and job needed finishing

I coped without him. As had to

Same as you will

My mum is dead. Do you have parents who could come and help /stay

Would it make you feel happier if partner cancels /postponed paternity leave to take to later

Ans use holiday to help grandad when baby is born

would also think that of course he should visit his grandad who is dying but not help with the houses until the baby is a couple of months old at least

There's a very strong chance he won't live until the baby is two months old. This is bad and naive advice.

It's possible that all the family are in the building trades, I know extended families like that who work on houses together.

All the more reason for the family not to spend their remaining time with him doing labouring on these sites. It's pointless, he won't see the benefit of it. He needs housing as comfortably as possible, and for the family to spend time with him while it's still possible. The family will regret it if they spend his final weeks working all hours on a building site.

Paternity leave is for bonding with baby and helping the new mum.

mum sounds scared and stressed about being by herself with baby and not being the priority and that’s not the state to be in just before birth.

your husband should take a day or two off now of annual leave to spend with his dgf, and a day or two after paternity leave to do the same again. That time should be sacred family time, not pop off and do manual labour under stressful circumstances time.

I think the first comments are very insensitive to the mum to be, no need for the harshness or to tell her she will be ok without support at a vulnerable so a man, who it sounds like is already well supported in his illness, can have extra support. The lack of empathy to women and mums on mumsnet astounds me sometimes.

YABU

My partner seems to think he will be able to go off during his paternity leave to help his grandad, rather than being here with me and the baby.

If you speak to him in that tone, you'll be describing your ex partner going off to help his actively dying grandfather one week before the birth and not knowing if he'll be back.

But it's to help the GF be at ease that things are sorted before he dies?

I didn't say he shouldn't visit his grandfather immediately, but that working on the houses shouldn't be the priority.

I disagree with the majority of these posts. Using his paternity leave to have several visits to see his grandad would be one thing but not disappearing off for 2 weeks to do building work. I assume this is your first baby so you don’t know how your birth will be (can never fully know but you can predict with a second or third) or your recovery.

Even if they're all builders, they have a choice between spending these final weeks labouring (pointlessly) all hours on these sites, or spending the time with their dying relative. I know what I'd choose.

Thank you for all of your replies so far. I want to make it clear that I'm not being nasty or not compassionate - I realise it comes across like that in my original post. I suppose I'm thinking more that other family members should be helping out rather than the responsibility always falling to my partner. I'm absolutely prepared to manage with this baby on my own for a couple of weeks, but as a few have said, it may not be a straightforward birth, etc. and I don't want to seem like a bad person asking for help at the last minute.
When I refer to the 'mess' that has been made, I mean the fact his grandad has been buying houses and knocking them down and then moving onto the next project before finishing them. And now there's this unimaginable pressure on my partner to get one of them finished for his grandad to die in... which I doubt will happen in the short time frame anyway.

There is no way on earth that 3 building sites will be sorted before he dies. Not a chance.

It's not pointless to do things together that bring comfort to a loved one who is staring down their own imminent death.

Soooooo unreasonable

If the grandad wants help sorting out the houses - that's for other people benefit, not his, because he'll be dead.
So the grandad isn't exactly asking his gs to help 'him' out.
Maybe he's wanting to make sure his wife has somewhere to live, maybe he's sorting out an inheritance. Either way, it's not helping him any.

It's never "pointless" to do the right thing by someone you love who is dying. It's not a fucking business transaction.

No, but he is a father himself now and needs to prioritise his wife and child over what sounds like an old man’s folly. Spending time with the dgf is wonderful, becoming his work horse seems manipulative and unfair.

Sometimes, shit happens that cannot be anticipated. In this case, it’s a relative with cancer.

You need to find a way to feel supported but also accept you may not have your partner’s singular focus because of his grandfather. You also need to support him or this may spark resentment. Equally he needs to support you and your child.

Whatever happens you both need to reframe the two weeks of paternity into something you can both be okay with which will require compromise on both sides.

Pancreatic cancer is a brutal death, and it’s really fast at late stage. Frankly it would take a magician to go from building site to liveable accommodation in the time frame the GF has - realistically is the paternity leave two weeks going to be enough? Probably better to settle them somewhere rented that’s comfortable at the palliative stage. I would let him spend as much time as he wishes with GF so there are no regrets or recriminations later. He will be a father for years into the future. It is harsh in the circumstances but not unreasonable fir your partner to step up and do what he thinks is right.

That was my thought. He needs to go.