AIBU - partner wants to go and help dying grandad in 2 weeks after our baby is born

[ndavies22]

So I'm currently 37 weeks pregnant and my partner is going to be taking 2 weeks paternity leave from work when baby is born. Sadly, this year, his grandad found out he has pancreatic cancer and this week we found out it is stage 4 metastatic. He doesn't have an official prognosis but we know it is likely to be months than years. The problem is is that his grandad has 3 building sites, with no houses in a liveable condition (he and his wife currently live in a caravan on one of the sites). So now he has had this diagnosis he is expecting everyone to help sort out the houses/building sites to get them into a liveable condition. My partner seems to think he will be able to go off during his paternity leave to help his grandad, rather than being here with me and the baby.

Am I being unreasonable to think that his grandad has made this mess himself and should probably just pay for help to sort it out rather than expecting his family to drop everything for him?? I should also add, my partners family are very traditional and think that my place is to look after the baby so I should just suck it up and deal with it.

Would love to know your thoughts? Thanks ☺️

Would he be going to help during the day and then coming back to you in the evenings and overnight or would he literally be away from home for 2 weeks? I don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect you to be essentially a solo parent for the first 2 weeks of adjusting to having a baby, it sounds like this is your first? If there was no need for a woman to have her partner around post-birth then paternity leave wouldn’t be a thing. He should be arranging to see his grandad but the building work shouldn’t be his responsibility and he needs to be prioritising you and his child over the building work.

I could totally get on board with practical help and visiting the dying gf. This isn’t what’s being asked. The gf got himself into a jam and op’s dh is expected to pick up the pieces and work full time on one of 3 projects.

As I said an Airbnb would be an excellent choice if the gf is well enough. If he’s got money to pay for the renovation costs, he’s got money to spend on accommodation.

What would make your partner feel like he'd been there for his family in this time?

I had a very strained relationship with one grandparent, due to how my mother was treated. In their last years, my mother managed to forgive that and forge a better relationship with her parent. I struggled. But, when her parent was dying, I knew I had to be there. For my mum, not for her parent. I made my own peace with that in my own way, but if I hadn't gone to support my mum through it, I wouldn't have been able to forgive myself for that.

For your partner this may be less about his actual grandfather and more about other people in his family, for whom life will be easier if he provides this help here.

I got where you're coming from as it's his pat leave and that time is really important for you three together. But sometimes, life (or death) happens at the most inconvenient of times and we have to roll with it.

OP what would DH have done if you hadn't been about to give birth so no paternity leave?

I should probably add that his grandad has not always been there for my partner. He has expected a huge amount from him over the years with barely a thank you.

GF sounds a bit of a user tbh.

I suppose I'm thinking more that other family members should be helping out rather than the responsibility always falling to my partner.

And now there's this unimaginable pressure on my partner to get one of them finished for his grandad to die in

Why is the pressure all on DP? Have others stepped back from GF because they've seen how he treats people? But is DP trapped in the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt)? Why does GF think it's DP's problem alone?

If he was going to spend quality time with his grandad then fair enough. But it sounds like he’ll be doing building work while his grandad isn’t even there? In that case it’s unreasonable. Especially because there’s no way it’s going to get finished and be liveable before his grandad dies, so what’s the point?

Also you need to consider that if you have a c section you will barely be able to walk. I couldn’t get up from a lying position without being pushed. I couldn’t get up from a chair without being pulled. I certainly couldn’t stand at the cooker or sink, or bend over to use the washing machine. Depending on what happens you may need him to care for you. I think he’s under estimating how much physical care and support a new mother needs.

@fancydays now is not the time. Don't forget OP is likely panicking about having a newborn by herself which is understandable but she needs to reach out to her own family for support. Her DH has every right to assist his grandfather however he wishes in his last days, considering the grandfather.

Does your DP even have the skills required to complete an unfinished house OP? What is needed - brickwork, plastering, plumbing, electrics, decorating?

I would discuss it with your DP and make it conditional - if you have to have a section, or have any sort of birth injury that restricts your mobility, then he has to stay and help you instead of going (if you have no other family who can step in during his absence).

His poor grandad. I wouldn't mind him going over for a few days to spend time with him. But not any longer than that. After mine, I needed help with the baby. I couldn't have managed without my husband. I had pnd after the first, and I was very sore with displaced hips after my second baby. You may need your husband to stay with you. It really depends how you are afterwards.

Personally I think “planning” anything for paternity leave apart from supporting you is unreasonable. Birth is unpredictable obviously. You have no idea right now if you’ll be waltzing out of hospital on cloud 9 a couple of hours after giving birth or if you/baby will require a hospital stay or whatever.

In this instance I’d be trying to get your partner to go now. Spend quality time now, offer help now. If you have baby and all is great you can talk then about him going during paternity leave. Until then, I think paternity leave should be “planned” to be spent supporting you.

They might well be coloured by personal losses, also known as experience or regrets that op can learn from. Experience where in hindsight they wish they had done more, or were supported to do more, and how once it is too late you can never go back and fix it as the person is no longer there.

I would never want to be the person who kept my dh from the side of, or supporting in any other way they wanted to, a dying relative. I would go out of my way to make sure he could. It is just as much about what her dh needs to do as it is what the gf is or isn't expecting. Feeling any regrets can massively negatively impact grieving for a long time after they die and rightly or wrongly some of that grief regret might be directed as resentment towards the person who prevented them being there.

DH didn’t take any paternity leave for either of our children, it’s not that bad.

Why can’t the building plots be sold as is?

YANBU. What if you are unwell after the birth and baby needs looking after? What if you have PND? What if you have a c-section and can’t lift anything other than a baby for six weeks? So many possibilities of why a father needs to be at home providing care for mum and baby. You’re 37w now, can your partner do some work at the house now but then say no more after baby is born. If grandad doesn’t have a place to live, he needs to get an airbnb or a hotel or other family members need to help.

I think he should try to go and visit/help his grandfather now, simply because he might go a lot quicker than expected. Otherwise, if it's the earliest he can get the time off, then yes he should use some of his paternity leave.

With my older two children, where we lived at the time didn't have good maternity or paternity leave unless you were a big earner getting offered it as a perk. My husband had a day of paternity leave - aka, he was entitled to be there for his child's birth. Luckily both times he managed to wring an extra day off as holiday out of his manager.

Barring complications, you'll be fine. Unlike DGD, who is going to die and whose remaining life is going to be one long list of health complications and drug side effects.

Another vote here that it would be unreasonable to prevent him spending some quality time with his grandfather, but entirely reasonable to question your DP going to provide free labour on building sites that have been left.

Some births are smooth, mum and baby are home and happy quickly. Other births take a lot of recovery or either mum/baby has to remain in hospital or have lots of follow ups. All the birth plans in the world won't guarantee you get the smooth route.

Ideally your DH would be with his new baby but come on, doesn’t this trump that? My friends mum just died of pancreatic cancer, 3 months after diagnosis. It’s brutal. I couldn’t sit at home knowing my grandad didn’t have a place to live. You sound very harsh - I’m sure he didn’t intend to get terminal cancer before he had sorted out his place to live. Have a word with yourself

I can't quite get over all these posts saying fuck granddad, he's doing dying all wrong. He probably is, from what OP's said, but what do people expect him to do about it? Get in his time machine, sort his shit out with a view to premature death, and take care not to get cancer while his grandchildren are pregnant?

You do know you can't repair relationships with dead people, right.

Paternity leave was first introduced in 2003 and is a legal entitlement so long as you meet the eligibility criteria, one of which is that “you must be taking time off to look after the child”. Its purpose is to help support the mother after the birth of a child. Prior to this, women from older generations would be kept in hospital for the best part of a week after giving birth and then have other relatives come to stay to help out. Please stop implying that new mothers today are selfish for wanting a few weeks of support following the most life changing moment they will ever experience. It is physically and emotionally draining bringing a new life into the world and no woman should be expected to do it alone. Nowadays, you get kicked out of hospital a few hours after giving birth and get send home with a tiny baby to just “get on with it”. It’s bloody terrifying! It’s a very sad situation that the GF is dying and of course the timing can not be helped but stop making the OP feel selfish for wanting her DP around at a time when she needs him the most. As explained, the DP is not the only one who can be called upon but he’s probably the only one about to experience the birth of his new baby.

OP what would DH have done if you hadn't been about to give birth so no paternity leave?

this.

Surely (as long as it isn't several hours away) it would make more sense for OP's partner to go to his Grandad now ?

Though - presuming OP's dp isn't a builder (and if he were, I'm sure OP would have mentioned it) then realistically, how much help can he be anyway ?

It would also be interesting to heat why OP's dp particularly, or if all the dgf's dc and dgc are being expected to turn their hand to working on a building site at this time.

No one is saying fuck grandad. They’re saying spend quality time with him, but don’t work for him. They’re saying paternity leave is for paternity, not a bit of holiday to do some free labour. Some people are wilfully misunderstanding and using it as an excuse to lash out to a vulnerable woman. And all the older women saying they managed fine without their baby daddy on paternity, bet you all had hospital stays until you were healthy enough to manage at home, family around and home visits from midwives. Things have changed and we’re expected to go home and get on with it and can only do that with support at home.

I can't get over the posts thinking it's OK to leave a woman with a newborn to do building work! If it's to visit fine, working without gf? Piss take. And wasting time that should be spent either with new baby or gf.

How terribly inconvenient of his grandfather to be facing an imminent, potentially horrible death from advanced cancer. Surely he could have scheduled this for a time more in keeping with your schedule.

Support your husband in spending time helping his dying grandfather. The timing sucks but nobody can do anything about that. And it sucks far more for his grandfather than for anyone else.

I don't know if I coud ever look at a partner the same way again if they begrudged me being there for a dying relative.

Yabu op. I'd be secretly upset too though.That should be your special time together. But his grandad is dying so that trumps everything.

@Boomboom22, it's the grandfather's priority - his dying wish, if you like.

I've no doubt he's being irrational and isn't facing the likely speed of his impending doom. But it's his thing. Mucking in with the renovations is caring/being there for him in this case. It'll all be over soon. OP and baby will still be here.

Uff another one nastily shaming the OP for not being a good support human to somebody else at the most vulnerable time in her life. Do people even hear themselves?

Complete bollocks from start to finish