AIBU - partner wants to go and help dying grandad in 2 weeks after our baby is born

[ndavies22]

So I'm currently 37 weeks pregnant and my partner is going to be taking 2 weeks paternity leave from work when baby is born. Sadly, this year, his grandad found out he has pancreatic cancer and this week we found out it is stage 4 metastatic. He doesn't have an official prognosis but we know it is likely to be months than years. The problem is is that his grandad has 3 building sites, with no houses in a liveable condition (he and his wife currently live in a caravan on one of the sites). So now he has had this diagnosis he is expecting everyone to help sort out the houses/building sites to get them into a liveable condition. My partner seems to think he will be able to go off during his paternity leave to help his grandad, rather than being here with me and the baby.

Am I being unreasonable to think that his grandad has made this mess himself and should probably just pay for help to sort it out rather than expecting his family to drop everything for him?? I should also add, my partners family are very traditional and think that my place is to look after the baby so I should just suck it up and deal with it.

Would love to know your thoughts? Thanks ☺️

*LegoDeathTrap · Today 17:59

If he cares that much, he should get paid or unpaid annual leave before the baby comes and use that to go help. That way HE is contributing. If he goes up during pat leave, he is taking something from YOU to give to his grandfather, so effectively asking YOU to contribute instead.*

exactly. My partner was self employed, needed to retain contracts/clients and I’d had a c section. Sure I muddled through but it was pretty awful for both of us. Paternity leave is for the man to spend with the baby/partner not some free extra holiday. The government funds this for that reason and that reason only, not to help out with any other life event that happens to coincide. Any employer who pays in excess of statutory minimum pays this so the baby and wife are taken care of. The father needs to have a conversation with his employer about taking leave for this specific purpose now, not waiting to take advantage of the paternity leave.

As you’ve been repeatedly told, paternity leave for employees has been the LAW since 2003, and plenty of companies had it anyway before that. Having 2 children over the age of 21, I can confirm that is indeed a fact, and you are wrong.

Some women can ‘cope’ alone, and unfortunately some do have to, but OP doesn’t, as long as her partner uses his paternity leave for what it’s meant to be used for. Is coping the best she can hope for? I’d be seriously reconsidering my relationship if this had happened to me.

The GF asking is fine, it’s the DP agreeing that is wrong.

I think he should be going now, before your baby is born, instead, or take annual leave after the paternity leave if there's still time then. It's all very well suggesting it's wrong of OP to deny GF that time, but obviously the time to spend with him or doing building stuff is now, before the birth. Why choose to leave the OP and baby for a fortnight rather than leave work for a fortnight?! Work is more important than dying GF, but baby and OP are not?

Me neither.
I helped my mum nurse my dying gran at home. The end was absolutely horrendous and I will never forget it. She died in agony, not at all the way we would have wanted.
Now if I had had anyone stamping their feet and shouting I WANT I WANT I WANT at that time I don’t think I could get over it (and I can forgive a lot).*

And if that person was your husband holding your newborn child?

@Jammydodger1981 you are of course correct on the legislation. However with statutory minimum being £172.48 or 90% average weekly salary (whichever figure is lower) and employers not compelled to pay enhanced, some people may not be able to afford to take paternity leave at the statutory minimum. You also need to have been employed at your place of work for 26 weeks before hand to qualify so that may exclude some additional people. Then there’s the self employed who need to self-fund any leave. As a pp mentioned another eligibility criteria is ‘you must be taking time off to care for the baby’…. It’s not 2 weeks additional leave to use as you see fit. This would discriminate against other people who are not parents who find themselves in the same predicament with relatives needing care/getting a terminal diagnosis.

Personally- yes I think you're being unreasonable. They have a limited time to make a house liveable in and pancreatic cancer is horrible- not that any aren't. I understand you'd appreciate the help, but this is extenuating circumstances- I would send him off

Spending time with a relative who hasn’t got long left? Of course that is fine.
slaving on a building site for free? Nope that makes no sense.

Paternity leave has effectively taken the place of women staying in midwife led care for 5 to 10 days after a baby was born and before that there was daily midwife checks at home, mothers and aunties who didn't have full time jobs themselves who could support.

Women have NEVER been designed to look after a baby on their own after childbirth and when this did happen in the ye olde middle ages it was at a time that maternal and infant death was sky high.

If a women had to get through on her own this isn't something to hold up as the normal
it's a travesty and this specific situation is completely avoidable.

I digress how, another poster mentioned he should be using his annual leave to look after his granddad's house affairs. OP is getting an incredibly hard time in these replies.

Op I'm on the view Granddad and his wife need to splash the cash get professionals in to get the houses finished and possibly rent a property for him to die in.

DH other family can possibly help arrange it but really he cannot commit his 2 weeks off to do manual labour.

That's two weeks of reduced income to help you cope with sleepless nights and to care for a tiny newborn. While you also recover from a birth.

Taking baby to visit DGD and having time at his bedside is a different issue.

Sadly this. He might not even be alive by the birth of your baby. I'm so sorry.

Fucking hell fire.

Id have done anything my grandad asked me to when he was dying, if I was physically able to, even if I did have a new baby.

Totally agree, I was thinking the same thing in the 70s a week in hospital was normal for a straight forward birth.

The oldest bits of employment law are the Factory acts of 1830's illegal for women to return to factory work within 4 weeks of giving birth.
And nearly 200 years later we have people thinking women should just be able to get on with looking after themselves and baby like their body isn't still recovering.

There are cultures where new mums are looked after by other women (mother, MIL, sister, etc) for 44 days post birth.

Total waste of paternity leave for him to be DIYing when professionals could be paid to do the job to a better standard in a fraction of the time.

He should be at home supporting the Op.

I think YANBU.

He's can take annual leave to support his gf if he wants, but choosing to spent his paternity leave doing it is shitty.

Where are your DHs parents in this? I wouldn't allow any of my kids or their spouses to be running around after one of my parents when they had just given birth because I'd be doing it myself.

Time with grandad yes.

Labouring on a building site no.

Realistically the building sites are a complete red herring. GF may well have passed away by the time the baby arrives.
GF needs just reassurance that his wife will have support and somewhere comfortable to live after he is gone.
If I knew I had days or weeks to live I probably would be a bit irrational too. When my mum was dying she was fretting about all sorts of things that didn't matter. We just reassured her that everything was being sorted.

Oof this needs delicate handling. You don't want him to end up resenting you/your child because you stopped him from helping his grandad with his 'last wish'. But equally I agree he should prioritise you and the baby. How about saying you're open to it but you'll need to see how your health is before agreeing it, so grandad also needs a backup plan. Do you have another good source of support eg mum who could move in with you for a few weeks?

Your partner should take annual leave NOW and do the labour if it's so important to his grandad.

Many women need a carer following birth. I had a c section, lifting the baby in and out of the cot was painful and aggravated the wound.

Spending time with grandad - fine - they should all visit with the baby. But leaving all day to provide unskilled labour is stupid.

Grandad should hire labourers- he can't take his money with him. He should spend the money on his last wish and spend his time with family.

This- you just can’t know! I had a spinal headache so couldn’t be upright without the headache spiking and causing me to vomit for a week post birth until I went into hospital for a blood patch. Before people jump in maybe I could have staggered around vomiting with the spiking pain and managed to care for my children if I were single. I could not however have driven me and my children into the hospital and looked after them for the 4 hours post patch while I had to lie flat without moving. And I would never ever ever have forgiven a partner that wasn’t around 24/7 during that week.

@SunRainStorm has a good idea- he should take leave now, and tell him if he doesn’t use it spending time with his grandfather then he can’t hold his own choices against you. Tell him to spend that time with his grandpa telling him to hire professional builders.

I was so ready to say YABU, but after reading what your DP is actually wanted for i.e building work, I'd say it's unreasonable for him to be doing that when he should be with you and his new baby. A day or two fine, but not the two weeks. If his grandad actually needed caring for or he just wanted to spend his final days at his bedside, it would be different.

I kind of get where you're coming from. Paternity leave is for paternity. If this was about spending a few last days with his grandad I'd almost understand but if it's to plaster his house and fit bathrooms I'd be a bit peeved particularly if he has assets to pay himself.
Why can't he sell some property/land to pay for this.
Are the family trying to make grandad 'comfortable' or arecthey trying to finish a major building project in 2 weeks? If it can he done in 2 weeks I'd suggest getting tradesmen in. If it's much longer than that is not practical for family to sort

"Am I being unreasonable to think that his grandad has made this mess himself ..."

Yep, he obviously chose to die of cancer now!

YANBU, paternity leave is to care for mum and baby, not relatives. It’s sad grandad is dying but it’s the job of his children to care for him not a grandchild with soon to be newborn baby.

Sounds like your partner is from a very sexist family, OP.

If partner eon’t budge, can you go home to your mum’s and spend a few weeks there?

If partner won’t support you in the first few weeks then he has no business being anywhere near you or baby.

Op you say:
'Even when he got his cancer diagnosis, he didn't think ahead to what might happen and that he should probably start sorting his affairs out.'

do you not think he had other things on his mind??? Have a bit of compassion. Wow.