AIBU - partner wants to go and help dying grandad in 2 weeks after our baby is born

[ndavies22]

So I'm currently 37 weeks pregnant and my partner is going to be taking 2 weeks paternity leave from work when baby is born. Sadly, this year, his grandad found out he has pancreatic cancer and this week we found out it is stage 4 metastatic. He doesn't have an official prognosis but we know it is likely to be months than years. The problem is is that his grandad has 3 building sites, with no houses in a liveable condition (he and his wife currently live in a caravan on one of the sites). So now he has had this diagnosis he is expecting everyone to help sort out the houses/building sites to get them into a liveable condition. My partner seems to think he will be able to go off during his paternity leave to help his grandad, rather than being here with me and the baby.

Am I being unreasonable to think that his grandad has made this mess himself and should probably just pay for help to sort it out rather than expecting his family to drop everything for him?? I should also add, my partners family are very traditional and think that my place is to look after the baby so I should just suck it up and deal with it.

Would love to know your thoughts? Thanks ☺️

It’s not the 37week pregnant OP that needs to have that level of compassion right now for someone who wants the 2 week paternity leave to be spent on a building site.

Other family members need to step up and support grandad in getting builders so OP’s dp can spend paternity leave on what it’s meant for - caring for mum and baby,

I would agree to him helping and spending time with his grandad.
Voicing your hope he supports you as much as you end up needing is all that you have to say. You should trust that he would not leave you poorly, in pain, hungry etc.

If things work out well with the baby's birth you will not mind that he is generous to his dying grandfather. You will cope well.

How do you know she will cope well? Do you generally expect women to put up and shut up?

Does your partner understand this? Helping out could have devastating consequences for you and your baby. His gf otoh is choosing the situation.

Is your partner usually such a dick and are you financially protected?

My friend recently died of pancreatic cancer. It was 2 months from diagnoses! It is an absolutely awful disease and patients go down hill very quickly.

It's not ideal for you with having a new baby, but I am with your partner on this one. He needs to do all he can for his grandad while he can.

Gosh, OP, you're getting a hard time

Dying Grandad isn't the nicest person on the planet and has put upon your DP over the years

Dying Grandad has a habit of starting building projects, not finishing them and then moving on to the next project. Rinse and repeat

Dying Gramdad has plenty of money and has other relatives to help him but as usual is putting upon your DP

You are due to give birth to your second child very soon and you're worried that you're going to get severe PND as after your first child 14 years ago

You are very happy for your DP to spend time with Grandad before he dies, but DP spending swathes of unnecessary time trying to sort out 3 building sites which Grandad has created, seems unreasonable, when there is plenty of money to throw at the sites and other family members to sort that issue

I think you are being reasonable to suggest that DP does NOT spend time sorting the building sites and that DP spends quality time with Grandad UNLESS you need DP because of possible birth issues or PND

😂

This. I wonder if some of the replies actually read the OP at all?
A couple of days help from your partner won't touch the sides. He'll be drawn in to spending weekends on this very ill advised project instead of bonding with his child.

A question for those thinking DP should spend his 2 weeks on building sites for Grampa.

How much difference do you really think one man, with some DIY skills, will make to any one of those building sites in the space of 2 weeks?

Keeping in mind, the sites probably need multiple trades, bricklayers, joiners, plumbers, electricians, plasterers, tilers and painters, even mastic can be regarded as a separate trade.

Even if he has a trade, they still need other trades to do their bit. And certain things like windows can have a 6 week order period.

He could slave away for two weeks solid but still not have a house ready for Gramps to move into. And Gramps would still need to pay multiple trade people to finish the job.

The DPs time would be far better spent looking after his wife who'd just given birth. And who needs his support.

Another probably more sensible option is to get Gramps into a hospice and support his wife to find building companies who can finish these projects off.
2 to sell, 1 for her to move into.

Your husband should be able to support his grandfather but that could be arranging professionals to do the job.

YANBU at all. Of course your DP wants to spend time with his grandfather while he can, but giving up his paternity leave on a pointless building project isn’t the way to go, and it’s not fair of his family to expect it.

OP stage 4 pancreatic cancer is weeks not months left. My Mum was given about 3 months to live at that point but lived 5 weeks. I'd agree your DH needs to go to see his Granddad now before you have the baby. He could go for a weekend to spend some quality time with him. I'd be encouraging that as leaving it 3 more weeks might be too late. I'd also agree your DH could go for 2-3 days to help out of paternity leave but no more as you and baby want him with you at this special time.

A couple of days help from your partner won't touch the sides. He'll be drawn in to spending weekends on this very ill advised project instead of bonding with his child.
This would be my concern. Building projects are big jobs that require skill. The people objecting aren't objecting to him spending time with his dying relative. A range of unfinished building projects for a relative should not be the priority of anyone who has a bit of DIY skills at the expense of supporting their partner and newborn.

It would be different if it was a case of "DP, grandad's declining health means he'd benefit from an accessible bathroom, can you give us a weekend so we can all muck in and get it done". But the projects here sound like a black hole for time.

It seems like the family have decided that OP's partner has some convenient time off and have decided how it's best to spend their time, and by 'best' they mean 'advantageous to them'.

Maybe you coped so well because your babies slept most of the time?

It’s silly to tell the OP that she will definitely be OK on her own when we have no idea what kind of labour or birth she will have or how it will affect her physically and mentally.

However, he does not wish to spend his money on that, despite the family telling him he should do (as he can't 'take it with him').

Right so others in the family see the sensible option is to pay for the properties to be finished.

Reality is that is exactly what the wife / family will do once Grampa dies.

DP can give some woolly answers, when asked about him using his paternity 'I'll help if i can.....will see how the wife is' '.....will see how much sleep I get'

Pancreatic cancer is so quick, it’s brutal. I don’t think anyone would have time to build a house in January to be at all practical. I don’t think they know what is about to hit them, which is probably good.

The best plan would be for the grandfather to move into a family members living room for a couple of months. Even before he is suitable for a hospice in-patient place he will need lots of assistance with washing and dressing, pain meds, meals and specialist equipment like electric beds etc. You generally have to be really near the end to get a place in a hospice because they are in short supply.

There’s not much time left for his family. to waste it labouring in mid-winter when they should be spending it with the grandfather seems crazy, yanbu.

Well you maybe had other support around you. Or gave birth when the NHS had longer, better staffed hospital stays. The NHS is relying on partners to help new mums.

The reason the houses need finished before trying to sell is its very difficult to get a mortgage on an uninhabitable property.

Someone I knew with the same cancer lived for weeks not months so I suggest your dp goes as soon as he can. Poor guy. Totally understand use of his leave. He can spend time with his grandad as sadly it won't be long. Yabu re this. Someone dying and needing help trumps must things. Sorry can your pil or parents come.

My DDad died 12 days after his PC diagnosis, it had spread to his liver so also stage 4. So I think you are acting like a spoiled princess. He might be dead by the time the baby's born. It's usually weeks not months once diagnosed. Pancreatic cancer must be the nastiest of all cancers, it's usually diagnosed too late when nothing can really be done after years of non specific symptoms easily assumed to be due to something else.

I think you need to put your own parents on standby for when baby's born as his side of the family is going to be busy with grandad and hopefully making the most of his final days rather than dealing with their loss. It's a shame about the building sites but no doubt if he'd known how ill he was, he'd have planned things differently.

I apologise for my bluntness

@CrotchetyQuaver your being very harsh. It's a different thing going to visit and spending time with the man to going to labour for him in a house that's never going to be finished in time for him to die in it.

Someone dying and needing help trumps must things. Sorry can your pil or parents come

Someone dying and needing personal care and help with medication, yes. Someone dying and wanting free labour when they can afford to pay for professionals? No. And if her PIL are able to come and support her, why wouldn’t they be doing the building work rather than their son missing time with his newborn and not being around to support his partner?

I feel like people are being needlessly harsh here and misreading the OP. She’s not saying don’t go and spend time with your grandad before he dies. She’s saying please don’t leave me in my most vulnerable time to complete free labour for someone who can afford to pay for it. Other relatives could be stepping up here or trying harder to get the work paid for.

I'd imagine the majority of those saying you cope have a parent or another family member who swoops in to help them cope, so have never had to genuinely rely on their partner. We don't all have that.

You only have to look at other threads of new Mums with useless husbands. This is why women end up with PND and living in mother and baby units after having a breakdown. People saying DH should do whatever GF wishes or he may regret it, he may regret putting his DW through that too, and the permanent affect it may have on the relationship.

Surely paternity leave is just for that purpose. If I was an employer and found out that an employee had taken paternity leave and instead of using that time with his newborn and wife had gone off to do building work I'd be very pissed off.
Spending time with dying relative ok, building work no.

*BIossomtoes · Today 07:17

Yesididntdothat · Yesterday 23:03

You aren't allowed to take paternity leave unless you are using the time for the purpose it is intended
😂*

why the laugh? Paternity leave is for looking after the baby. He would not be getting it if it were not for the baby. What partner does outside normal working hours is up to him but inside them, he should be caring for his baby. It says it right there on the.gov website.

The OP’s partner can do a range of other things 1) use his annual leave - if it coincides with the birth of the baby some employers allow paternity leave to be delayed within a certain time frame; mine doesn’t but many do 2) ask for compassionate leave - not sure if that will wash for a family project; it’s normally reserved for close relatives A grandparent, unless they brought up the grandchild or the grandchild was the only surviving relative, wouldn’t qualify 3) ask his GP for a fit note (sick note) if the partner feels overwhelmed and unable to work due to grief.

@ndavies22 you are getting a hard time as this is Mumsnet where, to put it in context, I’ve read threads concerning compassionate leave where many people think the death of any extended family member merits indefinite fully paid leave. Emotions take over - I can see several posters cite their own parents death which this isn’t. On a practical note, you can ask your partner to look at the paternity leave policy and see if it can be shifted to a time that isn’t being spent on a building project.

I hope you have a smooth delivery however, if you don’t it can be tricky. My own baby was readmitted at 5 days old when I’d had a c section. This was to a children’s ward so the expectation was I’d be with them. I had no other relatives to assist and, as my partner had to work due to being self employed, it was a bleak sleep and food deprived time. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone but I suspect I’d have felt even worse if my partner had prioritised a family project over me and his first born.