AIBU - partner wants to go and help dying grandad in 2 weeks after our baby is born

[ndavies22]

So I'm currently 37 weeks pregnant and my partner is going to be taking 2 weeks paternity leave from work when baby is born. Sadly, this year, his grandad found out he has pancreatic cancer and this week we found out it is stage 4 metastatic. He doesn't have an official prognosis but we know it is likely to be months than years. The problem is is that his grandad has 3 building sites, with no houses in a liveable condition (he and his wife currently live in a caravan on one of the sites). So now he has had this diagnosis he is expecting everyone to help sort out the houses/building sites to get them into a liveable condition. My partner seems to think he will be able to go off during his paternity leave to help his grandad, rather than being here with me and the baby.

Am I being unreasonable to think that his grandad has made this mess himself and should probably just pay for help to sort it out rather than expecting his family to drop everything for him?? I should also add, my partners family are very traditional and think that my place is to look after the baby so I should just suck it up and deal with it.

Would love to know your thoughts? Thanks ☺️

Can you see if grandad could come to stay with you? He can then be looked after, see the baby etc. Partner can take off two days each week for building site duties then some leave to do the same without much stress, it can be nice to have a bit of time on your own with the baby. His full paternity leave though is to support you and bond with the baby, not to spend the whole time away from you both.

Those of you that are saying OP is being selfish for not wanting her partner to go, what would you say if it was OP using her maternity leave to look after an unwell relative and leaving her partner to do 100% of the looking after of the baby?

I'm sure you'd all say 'well maternity leave is for being with your baby'. Newsflash; PATERNITY leave is also for the same purpose

This is an attitude on MN thar I really can't get on board with at all.
Women have been having babies since the beginning of time and have managed without the fuss and drama so prevalent today.
Assuming everything goes well, to suggest a fit and healthy woman and baby should be prioritised over a dying elderly man is madness.

Oh come on. A stag do and grandparent dying aren't exactly on the same level.

I assume the grandfather's being unrealistic about both his prognosis and the progress that can be made on his houses. It is really very normal for people to be like this when they find out they're dying. They'll fixate on a project or a family event, almost as if it could stave off death.

I don't see any value in arguing about the building work's importance - this is the grandfather's "thing before I die", so it's compassionate to make an effort.

I'm sorry it coincides with your expected delivery, @ndavies22. Birth and death keep their own rhythms, unfortunately, we have minimal control over their timings. You and DP have a whole future with your baby, so many important moments ahead ... there is no future with granddad.

Seems a good idea to ensure you have support lined up for if you need it.

Can he take annual leave now to go and help his grandad?

My friend's husband was told he had up to 6 months and was gone a week later;pancreatic cancer is so cruel.

Yes maybe his grandfather should have had these things sorted sooner but no one asks for terminal cancer.

I know you need your DH's help with a new baby but your DH's now has limited time with his grandfather.

I'm so sorry this is happening and must be very tough for all involved.

His grandfather may need help, but he isn’t available to provide assistance right now.

you have no way of knowing what kind of birth or recovery you will be dealing with. Some
women bounce back after birth. At 2 weeks postpartum, DH leaving baby and I would have been pure negligence.

You can’t get on board with paternity leave being for a father helping new mum and bonding with baby? Many women need this help, great for you that you didn’t, but maybe try learning some 21st century empathy?

I don’t know how to say this kindly but it is possible his grandad won’t live to die in one of his houses. I’ve know people with pancreatic cancer to die in a few weeks (3 or 4) from diagnosis. Much better if your DH could go and spend some quality time with his grandad for two or three days rather than working on the house for a couple of weeks.

I think the best option that you and DH should suggest to family is that him and his wife move into a rented bungalow/similar for a few months as that would be a quicker way to get him suitable accommodation. He also might be eligible for hospice towards the end. In the meantime, two of the sites should be put on the market with the funds used to do up the third (edit- using professionals) for a long term solution for accommodation for her. But no way is a building site going to be a livable home for a dying man in a few weeks nor is there any guarantee he'll see the benefit of it as he might be dead or in hospital/hospice before that point. But your DH should definitely go and visit his DGF as much as possible to say goodbye etc.
I'm sorry for this situation for both of you xx

Would he be able to take compassionate leave?

The irony regarding empathy in this quote...

“Women have been having babies since the beginning of time and have managed without the fuss and drama so prevalent today.
Assuming everything goes well, to suggest a fit and healthy woman and baby should be prioritised over a dying elderly man is madness.”

It’s not like the OP is insisting her significant other sit home serving tea and staring at their newborn instead of keeping vigil by his dying grandfather’s bed. She is pointing out that he seems to expect - and BE EXPECTED - to spend the bulk of the leave out on construction sites sorting out a building project. This isn’t a situation where she can be tucked up at home with baby and necessities nearby and he can go sit by his grandfather’s chair or bedside with family for a while; this is her mentally processing being left at home alone for full days, possibly including overnights, while the man in question quite probably won’t even BE with his grandfather, but will be swinging a hammer or pacing on the phone with construction people or driving around sorting things out. The point isn’t that it’s unreasonable to strand someone who’s just given birth (some women will be perfectly fine, others will be unable to even lift their baby up or get out of bed unaided!); the point is that the idea of finishing construction of three houses on the timeline of a stage 4 pancreatic cancer diagnosis is unreasonable! Particularly when one family member is ALREADY slated to act as a caregiver; he may or may not be needed for the OP’s recovery, but his time away from work is not supposed to be for construction projects. Sitting and enjoying a relative’s final moments with them while baby and Mom recover is one thing; becoming general contractor for a stalled construction project is another.

Pancreatic cancer is brutal and fast. He will have a very short period of time and it's more sensible to try and get him comfortable immediately ie a relative's home or renting a house. There simply won't be time for renovations or pipe dreams.

My Dad was felled by liver cancer, and lost mobility within weeks. I would suggest getting your partner to talk to someone at McMillan or Marie Curie about what is the most sensible course of action from here.

Def a visit, but def no building work. No way. And he can't confirm yet because you don't know how the birth will go. He should be visiting now before the baby comes as well!

I assume GD was not doing the physical site work himself, so is it just a supervisor type job? If so he can surely do both, an hour or two a day making sure work is ongoing and the rest at home.

How far from your home are the building sites? Could he go for a couple of hours a day to help and spend some time with his grandad?

I can completely understand you not wanting him to be gone all day/overnight when you’ve just had a baby. You could be fine, but you could have a difficult labour/emergency c section/trouble breastfeeding and really need his support. You don’t mention whether one of your family members could come and help, but that’s not really on them. It’s what paternity leave is for…

How on earth has he ended up with 3 building sites but no houses that are liveable? And why has he down absolutely nothing about it until now, where he apparently expects his family to suddenly sort the whole lot out?

Because we always think we have more time than we really do. I see it every day....people making plans for a future thst they won't see because they only have a few months left.

I've never met a stage IV pancreatic cancer patient who has lived for more than a couple of months. Also this cancer is almost always diagnosed when it is too late to treat and, in most cases, patients go straight from diagnosis onto an EOL pathway. It's a total mind fuck for them and their family.

The reason why he won't have made no progress will have probably been because he has had failing health for a long time. Pancreatic cancer does not suddenly appear at stage III or IV.....we are just shit at diagnosing it earlier so patients get sicker and sicker....losing more and more weight, getting weaker and weaker and nit knowing what js wrong, only that something is. That's reality for these patients.

Can he not just go on the weekends from now?
Or even take the next week off from work?

I’d have no issues with him spending the paternity leave there but I don’t think he should wait that long.

He needs to go asap.

Why isn’t he available to help right now?

Unless I’m missing something, then surely it’s better to help out as much now before the baby is born and then he can be at home more once the baby is here.

Your only 37 weeks so tell your husband to take annual/stress/unpaid leave to spend time with his Grandfather and help him in anyway he can. He could make a plan with other family members to take over once you've had the baby.

A lot of work places don’t have paternity leave and, in fact, this was never a thing 10 years ago. Women have coped, and always will cope, pretty well without their partners/husbands being around 24/7 for a two week period. Tbh, whilst you think his gf should have prepared his affairs in advance once he received his diagnosis, many people who get terminal prognosis’s are in denial until late on in the illness. Let him help his GF. He’s dying fgs.

The man is dying FGS. Have some compassion! He will be gone soon and then you can have your husband all to yourself again.

Nope, I can't imagine spending my last weeks on earth keeping my grandson from his newborn baby to work on my properties. Does the granddad even expect this, or is it your husband trying to be noble? I hope it's a grief related wobble and he sees sense.

I also think people's responses here are heavily coloured by personal losses.