AIBU - partner wants to go and help dying grandad in 2 weeks after our baby is born

[ndavies22]

So I'm currently 37 weeks pregnant and my partner is going to be taking 2 weeks paternity leave from work when baby is born. Sadly, this year, his grandad found out he has pancreatic cancer and this week we found out it is stage 4 metastatic. He doesn't have an official prognosis but we know it is likely to be months than years. The problem is is that his grandad has 3 building sites, with no houses in a liveable condition (he and his wife currently live in a caravan on one of the sites). So now he has had this diagnosis he is expecting everyone to help sort out the houses/building sites to get them into a liveable condition. My partner seems to think he will be able to go off during his paternity leave to help his grandad, rather than being here with me and the baby.

Am I being unreasonable to think that his grandad has made this mess himself and should probably just pay for help to sort it out rather than expecting his family to drop everything for him?? I should also add, my partners family are very traditional and think that my place is to look after the baby so I should just suck it up and deal with it.

Would love to know your thoughts? Thanks ☺️

This is how I read the situation too. It’s quite clear to me that everyone mucking in has some sort of value to the grandad and how he perceives a value on the willingness of others to grant him that.

its utterly shit that OP’s DP is planning on using his paternity in this way and I would be resentful too but I think doing anything other than supporting him taking this time is going to be resented by him which isn’t great with a newborn either .

It's not about being a good support human, @Weefreetiffany , but about being a decent human being. Yes, it's a vulnerable time for the OP, and it's rubbish timing, but this isn't all about her now. There's a dying loved one to consider too.

But why not visit the gf now? Why does it have to be the paternity leave that is sacrificed to manual labour? It’s not decent behaviour to his wife and newborn child to prioritise the gfs needs and wishes over there’s at the most vulnerable and uncertain time of her pregnancy. Women’s needs are always dismissed and downplayed, would you be able to look at a partner who abandoned you when you needed them most the same way again @Scirocco ?

No. You don’t know how she is going to be. Many women suffer birth trauma, both physical and mental. And if she has a CSec she’ll definitely need him around for at least a couple of weeks.

I agree with PP; YABU to not allow him to spend time with dying gf, but YANBU to not allow him to spend time on a building site.

Having been in a similar situation, @Weefreetiffany , I didn't for one minute frame it as abandoning me. I'm perfectly capable of managing by myself for a bit and of seeking support elsewhere if needed. In fact, I would be insisting he went and if possible suggesting he take some time off work sooner rather than later, as well as looking to help myself if I could.

A lot of real superhero women on this thread that found looking after a newborn on their own the easiest thing in the world. Kudos to you. I seem to remember it as a long list of breakdowns, anxiety, sleep deprivation and regular panicked calls for help to whoever would listen.

Nobody is saying don't see grandad, but nobody knows what kind of birth OP will have and what kind of baby will need looking after. She might really need support, and I don't think it's unreasonable to expect the baby's father to provide that.

I was crap at it, mostly. However, I do have a suspicion that it was still a damn sight easier than dying of pancreatic cancer.

You will be fine. Both my kids were born before paternity was a thing and we coped. Our babies slept most of the time. My maternity money was so poor that my husband did more hours not less. You will probably get plenty of visits to keep you busy.

Obviously it's not what you had planned and its not a perfect situation, but you will be OK and this might be the last ever opportunity your husband has to spend time with him.

Wow. Your lack of compassion is truly breathtaking. Genuinely staggered

Really? …….
A lot of work places don’t have paternity leave. Fact.
Many women have, and do, cope very well looking after a baby solo in the weeks following giving birth. Fact.
Many people are in denial in the immediate aftermath of getting a terminal illness diagnosis. Fact.

There’s been a statutory right to paternity leave in the UK since 2003.

I think your original post is badly worded so you come across terribly but I understand where you are coming from.
A new born baby is hard work and it's the time when a new mother needs the most help.
I think realistically your partner cant be in 2 places at once and if the situation with the housing is so dire then they need to pay for someone to step in and sort the situation properly. I think you should encourage him to see his grandad by all means but I do think he needs to prioritise his own family to and the building work is not his responsibility.

Where are all these companies that don't offer paternity leave? This is a British site so the majority of posts will be from people living in Britain where companies have to follow the law relating to paternity leave, it's not a discretionary.
OP what support network do you have? I had easy births so despite feeling frustrated I could have coped without DH being there afterwards. My best friend gave birth 2 weeks after me via EMCS and she couldn't walk down the stairs unaided for a good week - she'd have been screwed if her DH hadn't have been there. She could've got some help from family but they couldn't have been there all the time.
There's a massive difference in your partner leaving you for a couple of hours a day to see his granddad to being out the house for 8-12 hours a day.
Can he take some annual leave now?

YABU

Even when paternity leave didn’t exist, men still sometimes had to take time off work.

a man going to work for 8 hours is different than a man leaving town for 2 weeks. If his wife and baby aren’t doing great, he can get them set up with food and supplies in a central spot before he leaves for a work day so she only has to get through the day.

Just to try and add balance to the scare stories, it’s entirely possible to manage to care for a newborn without a husband present 24/7. Not all births are traumatic, not all men get paternity leave. Don’t feed to much off the MN narrative. Yes it’s tiring, yes it’s a huge life change but you CAN manage it without DP being there all the time.

Again, thank you to everyone for their responses - positive or negative. Reading back, I can see that my initial post was worded awfully but I think I just had a bit of verbal diarrhoea.

There are lots of elements to the situation, his grandad does have a large amount of money that he could spend on professional help and/or renting somewhere more comfortable. However, he does not wish to spend his money on that, despite the family telling him he should do (as he can't 'take it with him').

Additionally, this isn't my first baby (my DS is 14) and I suffered terribly with PND following his birth and I am incredibly anxious about this happening again. DH's family don't know about this particularly, but I would be prepared to tell them if I needed to.

But the point is you just can't know that. What if they have baby like mine who literally didn't stop screaming for the first 4 days of her life? What if she has a section and can't lift their baby for days? Or any number of other birth complications? Or PND? What if the baby has any number of common ailments that one person alone would find hard to cope with? You may think it's fine but it's honestly the absolute worst time to leave a FTM alone.

I'm not saying that she won't cope, but going through the biggest, scariest change of your life is really fucking tough at the best of times. It just seems like they could reach a better solution than her partner (ie the other person with a 50/50 responsibility for the baby) leaving her alone for 2 weeks

I don't think it's actually been clarified but obviously if it's only for a few hours a day or something then that's a different story.

You aren't allowed to take paternity leave unless you are using the time for the purpose it is intended

Me neither.
I helped my mum nurse my dying gran at home. The end was absolutely horrendous and I will never forget it. She died in agony, not at all the way we would have wanted.
Now if I had had anyone stamping their feet and shouting I WANT I WANT I WANT at that time I don’t think I could get over it (and I can forgive a lot).

Agree with all the posters who have mentioned that quality time with a dying relative and being supportive to family is a good thing, however being able to take paternity leave to spent precious time during those first days of a newborn both in terms of bonding, supporting you and being in that new baby bubble together is also a gift that not all parents get and also isn’t a time you get back. Hopefully you can reach some balance and compromise

He's not being with the grandparent though, it's about sorting out building sites, not spending time with dgf.

No!
He can spend time with his dying relative and close family - of course - but you don't spend time building other people's houses having a new born and a wife at home.

If he goes to work at a building site his family can pay a nanny/nurse to help you out with baby at your home and I would be really disappointed with my husband.

A father also bond with a newborn the first weeks and you share a new life together as a family. The first days as new parents are really precious.

Is he even skilled in any sort of building work?

Is any other family member helping out or just him asked to do this?

If there is plenty of money why can't someone hire a contractor on gf behalf? And rent them a home for next few months?

For all the people saying she's begrudging him being there for his dying grandad, well why isn't he going now. If it's so urgent why wait for the baby to be born? That's the bit that makes no sense to me. It's urgent enough that I'm going to not support my wife but not so urgent that I'm happy to take a financial hit or disrupt my employer.