is my new partner starting to get abit weird about money and assets

[smilingeleanor]

Name changed as some of this might be abit outing. My DH passed away unexpectedly over 4 years ago and I have been seeing my partner for about 9 months. Wasn't looking and still not sure I'm that ready but we met at a work conference thing and it's been fun and easy ....ish until more recently

I have 5 children - 4 living at home, eldest DD24 lives with boyfriend, adult DD20 at university, DS19 working full time and then DS14 at secondary and DD9 in primary school. New partner has 2 sons also both 14 who live mainly with their mum - all amicable.

There's been a few things of late concerning me - Started when i was having new flooring laid and he asked how I could afford it on my salary (we both earn about the same - we do the same sort of role so everyone knows the salary bands). He's hinted before about my house early on and I kinda had to say well my husband died but he's been angling for more info since. Life insurance paid off the mortgage plus a payment & death in service. I've mostly invested this and use my salary for the bills - but no mortgage or debts means salary goes further

anyhow I just laughed the flooring question off - but over xmas we got in a convo about a summer holiday. I was inviting adult DD who wanted to go and he overheard me say it was my treat - he was already wanting to go and would be paying himself but he then said can his boys come - fine by me they are nice lads and seem to get on on with mine but he sort made a joke about me paying for them as a treat. I nipped that straight away and said he'd have to pay for them as i couldn't and he got a bit narky saying well my sons and daughter who both work could pay for themselves freeing up that money

he later apologised but tried to say i do t get it as obviously have no mortgage or debt

anyhow - we've had another set to today. Having a NYE get together- DD and her boyf coming and will use the guest bedroom (her old room) as they always do. He seemed to think his boys would be there and has told them this - they don't want to sleep on air bed in my son's room or in the living room apparently.

He also says i'm closed off and secretive about my financial situation and doesn't get why

Im just abit fed up now - i dont want drama and i will not get into conversations about what i have invested and where. Although he did admit to looking up the market value of my house!

Another one who feels angry for you. He's after your assets. He should not be asking one single question about your finances, absolutely nothing to do with him!
And why would you treat his sons to a holiday? They may be nice lads but they are nothing to you, you have no bond with them.
Please protect you & your dc & your finances from his grubby little mits

Like you I’m a widow. My own husband didn’t know about my own finances so 9 months in this is none of his business. Widows we surely attract them either think we are rich and vulnerable or vulnerable and gagging for it.

Hmmm.... I think pp's right about too soon for big group holidays with him and his boys. I'd be inclined to take a step back from this relationship. Sorry OP but you deserve better than someone looking for more than you....your money. Be careful x

Cheeky get! It's none of his business. And it's your house so you decide who stays.

Pay attention to the red flags.

Trust your instincts. Everyone here has only a snapshot to judge on. On the face of your OP, I would be extremely cautious. I was going to immediately say bin him, like everyone else. But ...

You say his kids have used your D's room before, so it was not unreasonable for him to assume the same arrangement, if he didn't know she would be there. She will, therefore his kids have to suck it up. If that doesn't fly, I would then reconsider the binning option. Or just tell him that, in that case, best that your NYE is not spent together and let him see that you are willing to stand up for yourself.

I would decline to discuss your finances any further at any time. Remind him if it comes up that you are widowed and that is the only reason you are comfortable. Make him uncomfortable and make no plans to move in, holiday with his kids, or do anything other than just have fun.

Give it some time to see what comes up. But watch very, very closely.

Get rid of him. He's wants your money. How dare he expect you to pay for his kids and give up your house for them.

The sons already think of the room as being theirs as they've stayed there before 🤷‍♀️

I'd be tempted to cancel NYE if there's going to be hostility about sleeping arrangements

OP - he's shown enough so far for you to be concerned enough to ask the people here.

May I ask what he will further have to do in order for you to be honest with yourself deep down that this will never work? He's not going to get better. As others have said be grateful he's shown his true colours now, the mild gaslighting as well the - 'why won't you be honest about your money? why are you being so secretive?' are all clear warning signs he's giving you.

Those little glimpses of having a nice time you're grasping on to are really not worth the other horrors.

You’ve clocked him OP so you can be even more on your guard going forward, even if you don’t end things, just be wary and remember all the advice on this thread.
Do not entertain any notion of him moving in and do not marry him!!!

If you’re not going to break it off OP, I’d spell out why you’re in this financial position.

No amount of money could ever compensate for losing your husband/dad but I’m sure he would have wanted that money to go on the mortgage so your family had more security and to help you afford holidays etc to make happy memories with your kids. Make it clear that’s what you’ll be using the money for and your family are your priority and always will be.

It sounds like he’s seen the financially comfortable life you have and wants to slot himself into it but has forgotten about the sad reason behind your differing circumstances - remind him. His reaction should tell you everything you need to know; if he’s sympathetic and understand great but if he’s defensive or dismissive run.

😂 "lose 12st"

And yes, LTB. It's your house, your money OP.

He seemed to think his boys would be there and has told them this-they don't want to sleep on air bed in my son's room or in the living room apparently.

They’d better all not come then.

Are you reading all these replies, @smilingeleanor ? What are your thoughts?

Honestly, he sounds like the sort of charmer that wants to marry you asap and expects you to change your will to leave your money 7 ways to support his kids. Or leave it all to him!

He was never after money or even spoke about it for first 6 months but I guess he didn't realise or think

Maybe because it didn't come up then. What matters is the attitude he showed when it did come up, i.e the floors, the holidays.

It sounds like he feels a bit inferior because despite earning the same as you his lifestyle is not as financially comfortable as yours.

But he is conveniently forgetting that the reason you have financial security is that you lost your husband and your children lost their father far too soon. He seems quite callous to that fact.

Unfortunately, I do think his resentment is not going to change. He will always somehow be comparing what you have versus what he has. Not sure how you can make that work. Maybe he's just not the one for you.

my guard is up - i will have the conversation about the holiday tomorrow and I think his reaction will tell me what I need to know

I dont actually think his lads would care where they slept - they've always been polite, a little shy but seem easy going. It was him that got narky around expectations. he's very protective of them and i think was going into that mode

This one's a bunch of red flags.

He expects you to place his children above your own...based on age? It seems?

He is very interested in not only your situation;
, but how your situation can ease things financially for He and his children.

He will take, take, take.

He will expect you to jump into treating his kids as you treat yours from day one...thus making him not responsible for them.

He will not pay his way if he can help it.

Please dont get wrapped up with this man any further than you already are

Run, don’t walk.

This ‘closed off’ thing is so manipulative and gaslighting. He wouldn’t be saying that you were being secretive if it wasn’t something if was keen to know about. You might not know what brand of washing powder he uses, but that doesn’t mean he’s being secretive about it, it’s because you don’t care

Always measure by behaviour and his is out of order. He's not right for you @smilingeleanor

Sending a hug ref losing your hubby. I lost mine in 2016, so know how hard it is. X

he got a bit narky saying well my sons and daughter who both work could pay for themselves freeing up that money.

He also says i'm closed off and secretive about my financial situation and doesn't get why

He sounds very resentful. That would be a massive red flag for me.

OP, it’s tough when you come across someone who you thought was the ‘same’ as you and they subtly show that they see you as a cash cow. I know this because I lived it for 5 years!! It’s small insidious comments that can be brushed off as jokes but they are there to erode your boundaries. Please trust your instincts- you don’t need a reason to say ‘ no ‘ or even give a justification . Women are too conditioned to be ‘nice’ No need to be a people pleaser if you get fucked over. What’s the worst that can happen when you tell him to get stuffed?

Why on earth should OP cancel everyone’s NYE plans??

Firstly congratulations on raising your kids so well through such a difficult period in their lives. You sound like a brilliant Mum.
The thing that concerns me most about this man is his total lack of regard for your DC.
He wants your older DC to pay for their own holidays so you can pay for his?? It is just the same as asking your DC to directly pay for his! He also wants to kick your DD out of her room to make way for his own. How on earth would your DD feel about that?
OP, you have built a strong family unit. Please don't let this chancer ruin that.

Have someone present when you break up, so if he gets angry you have support
I would break up by phone,minimise the risk. Put you more in control, less emotional manipulation as you can terminate a call if it’s too fraught