is my new partner starting to get abit weird about money and assets

[smilingeleanor]

Name changed as some of this might be abit outing. My DH passed away unexpectedly over 4 years ago and I have been seeing my partner for about 9 months. Wasn't looking and still not sure I'm that ready but we met at a work conference thing and it's been fun and easy ....ish until more recently

I have 5 children - 4 living at home, eldest DD24 lives with boyfriend, adult DD20 at university, DS19 working full time and then DS14 at secondary and DD9 in primary school. New partner has 2 sons also both 14 who live mainly with their mum - all amicable.

There's been a few things of late concerning me - Started when i was having new flooring laid and he asked how I could afford it on my salary (we both earn about the same - we do the same sort of role so everyone knows the salary bands). He's hinted before about my house early on and I kinda had to say well my husband died but he's been angling for more info since. Life insurance paid off the mortgage plus a payment & death in service. I've mostly invested this and use my salary for the bills - but no mortgage or debts means salary goes further

anyhow I just laughed the flooring question off - but over xmas we got in a convo about a summer holiday. I was inviting adult DD who wanted to go and he overheard me say it was my treat - he was already wanting to go and would be paying himself but he then said can his boys come - fine by me they are nice lads and seem to get on on with mine but he sort made a joke about me paying for them as a treat. I nipped that straight away and said he'd have to pay for them as i couldn't and he got a bit narky saying well my sons and daughter who both work could pay for themselves freeing up that money

he later apologised but tried to say i do t get it as obviously have no mortgage or debt

anyhow - we've had another set to today. Having a NYE get together- DD and her boyf coming and will use the guest bedroom (her old room) as they always do. He seemed to think his boys would be there and has told them this - they don't want to sleep on air bed in my son's room or in the living room apparently.

He also says i'm closed off and secretive about my financial situation and doesn't get why

Im just abit fed up now - i dont want drama and i will not get into conversations about what i have invested and where. Although he did admit to looking up the market value of my house!

The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker

There were a reason your senses were tingling on this one, OP. Don't ignore them.

@exitviathegiftshop I am sure what you are saying comes from a good place but there is really no way any one person can support 7 children. For the op's partner to want his kids to be treated "fairly and equally" in his eyes it means financial sacrifice from the op and she already has 5 children. The best plan for the op's partner would be to increase his income and provide for his children in that way. It is not fair to expect to obtain the money from his partner who does not have inexhaustible funds.

In that future situation I would want my children to get to go on holiday as well as my partners?

But, what if you couldn’t afford it? Would that mean that the richer OP could never treat her kids to nice stuff or family holidays without having to stump up for three extra people?!

This man isn’t even wanting equal treatment for his kids to her own-he’s wanting preferential treatment!

God help you, you seem to have swallowed his kool-aid. Best of luck
Yep.

Well done on having The Chat and stating your case and establishing boundaries.

Good luck Op because you're really going to need it with him after your money/assets.

Forgive, but don't forget.

I don'think he panicked - he just regrouped.

I think it's more a case of comparison being the thief of joy - and as he said he is ashamed of himself for going down that route as he wasn't thinking about his boys having 2 loving parents in their lives when doing the comparison. It's taken him a long time to get back in his feet after his divorce and build a little bit of security, not where he thought he would be at his age etc. I also suspect he imagined i might be struggling as a lone parent - kinda like he is.

I'm afraid that if I were widowed with 5 children, the last thing I'd want was a man with issues.

I'd want someone he was comfortable in their own skin, emotionally stable, and not struggling as a 'lone parent'. He's not a LONE parent- he's divorced and his children also have a mum.

He sounds needy and you sound as if you're propping him up and even mothering him a bit by being so accepting of his 'apology'.

If he's only looking for similar people (women) who are struggling a bit after a divorce, that's not great. You aren't divorced and sound a whole lot stronger.

It sounds as if you are each at different stages of your emotional journey as single people, and not perhaps compatible.

There has only been little mention that I have seen on this thread of something that I would really really want to know in OP's situation - why did his marriage end?

Oh dear OP - I wish you well, but I fear that you're being taken for a ride - there are just so many red flags from him. For me the worst parts have to do with how he views your own children - he seems to see them as barriers to his and his kids' comfort; he has zero regard for your children, actually less than zero. That would be the most unforgivable thing for me.

Bye-bye!

I think in isolation you may have been able to accept an apology/explanation for one of these things (eg if the only issue was him saying "how did you afford this floor") but the fact there are 3 or 4 red flag incidents and they all relate to your financial status is the key here..

I fear PP's may have his number - he'll now go onto best behaviour for a while.