is my new partner starting to get abit weird about money and assets

[smilingeleanor]

Name changed as some of this might be abit outing. My DH passed away unexpectedly over 4 years ago and I have been seeing my partner for about 9 months. Wasn't looking and still not sure I'm that ready but we met at a work conference thing and it's been fun and easy ....ish until more recently

I have 5 children - 4 living at home, eldest DD24 lives with boyfriend, adult DD20 at university, DS19 working full time and then DS14 at secondary and DD9 in primary school. New partner has 2 sons also both 14 who live mainly with their mum - all amicable.

There's been a few things of late concerning me - Started when i was having new flooring laid and he asked how I could afford it on my salary (we both earn about the same - we do the same sort of role so everyone knows the salary bands). He's hinted before about my house early on and I kinda had to say well my husband died but he's been angling for more info since. Life insurance paid off the mortgage plus a payment & death in service. I've mostly invested this and use my salary for the bills - but no mortgage or debts means salary goes further

anyhow I just laughed the flooring question off - but over xmas we got in a convo about a summer holiday. I was inviting adult DD who wanted to go and he overheard me say it was my treat - he was already wanting to go and would be paying himself but he then said can his boys come - fine by me they are nice lads and seem to get on on with mine but he sort made a joke about me paying for them as a treat. I nipped that straight away and said he'd have to pay for them as i couldn't and he got a bit narky saying well my sons and daughter who both work could pay for themselves freeing up that money

he later apologised but tried to say i do t get it as obviously have no mortgage or debt

anyhow - we've had another set to today. Having a NYE get together- DD and her boyf coming and will use the guest bedroom (her old room) as they always do. He seemed to think his boys would be there and has told them this - they don't want to sleep on air bed in my son's room or in the living room apparently.

He also says i'm closed off and secretive about my financial situation and doesn't get why

Im just abit fed up now - i dont want drama and i will not get into conversations about what i have invested and where. Although he did admit to looking up the market value of my house!

Bloody hell, get rid. I say this as someone who has more assets than my second husband and he has not once tried to take advantage of that or get me to pay for his kids. What an absolute cheeky fucker.

He is looking to increase his wealth to a level pre his divorce. He sees a future with you, which includes shared assets. He wants you to stop unnecessary spending on your adult kids so that you can leave the money in what he thinks will be a shared pot, or for you to bail him out by paying for his kids. You sound sensible but perhaps more vulnerable, understandably, than you think. Personally I could not trust him fully, so what's the point of the relationship? Fine if it's casual but not a keeper.

What actions? Completely bewildered about what has upset you so much, however I wish you and everyone else on here a very Happy and Healthy New Year.

@smilingeleanor

I have my eyes wide open now to any more of this but he has apologised, provided an explanation for the behaviour unprompted. I do want to see the best in people and am not holding a grudge.

OK. Sounds as if you have his measure and he (hopefully) understands your position wrt discussing/opining on your finances. The only thing left to make him understand would be that you are not interested in marriage or cohabitation, assuming that's the way you feel. Because IMHO simply saying "My finances are none of your business" isn't the same as saying "My finances will NEVER be any of your business because you aren't parking your boots under my bed now or in the future". And because him saying "I understand and apologize" doesn't mean he isn't thinking "But if we should marry/cohabit, things will different as married/cohabiting couples share finances".

I've seen too many times where one or both members of a couple think they've made themselves plain and covered all the bases when they haven't. And when one or both members of a couple silently puts an 'if' or a 'but' or an assumption to their agreement to what's being said. Of course, you may feel you've said enough for now and you may be quite right. You can tackle any assumptions about the future if/when they arise.

I agree with all this.

Take your time. Keep your eyes open. Protect yourself.

I know we're all on the look out for cocklodgers/scoundrels. There are so many about. He may still be one. But not necessarily.

Still run

I’ve read your updates OP. You’re obviously a kind and thoughtful person who wants to think the best of people.

However I am glad you are wary of this man. Honestly, I don’t think his explanation stacks up.

First, whatever he says now, he pretty clearly was hinting that you should pay for his kids, hence you had to nip that suggestion in the bud. You knew at the time what he was actually saying. Everyone who’s read this thread knew it.

Second, how on earth were you supposed to guess from a “joke” about paying for his kids that he was instead trying to say that you’re too generous to your adult kids? (answer: it’s a crap excuse. He was, in fact, angling for you to pay for them).

Third, it is none of his business what you spend your money on and a real red flag that he wants both to interfere with you treating your children and to have you spend it on his kids instead. It’s the thin end of a very long wedge in my view. Someone upthread talked about him moving in and then gradually elbowing your children out so you spend all your money and time on him. I think they are absolutely right and this is the first hint of that. Who does he think he is to even have an opinion about you spending money your husband left you on his and your children?

This thread is MN at its best and it's worst.
OP has received some excellent advice, put it into place and is comfortable with her decision.

People still yell RUN. They think they can deduce an entire person's character and motivations based on a few short posts, which are inevitably loaded with the OP"s interpretation, intentionally or not. When the OP decides not to instantly implode her life, but rather be circumspect, watch and see, they can't get their little Internet thrill of excitement.

The man may be entirely genuine, had not considered how his questions about finances could be interpreted by a widow who has had to go through the pain of loss and come out financially comfortable but alone. Where he has divorced and as well as being alone is nowhere near where he thought he would be financially.

Most people are inherently good, but sometimes say or do stupid or thoughtless things.

“I want to see the best in people and not hold a grudge “ is such a lovely sentiment!

But don’t let sentiment make you foolish. I take people at their deeds, not their words, until I know them well enough to know that they are completely honest and transparent. Just because I don’t take the word for the deed also doesn’t mean I don’t see the best in people! I do see the best when they show their best!

I don’t think taking a “trust but verify” stance towards a new person in your life is “grudge holding” either. To me that is a very problematic way of thinking. If my accountant embezzles from me and I don’t choose to be a repeat customer am I “holding a grudge?” If I date someone for a while and discover they don’t bathe, or steal tips, and I decide this is not for me am I “holding a grudge?” This feels like nice girl syndrome weaponized against you. Deciding you don’t like a behavior is not grudge holding! Remembering an incident and not choosing to forget or rug sweep it is not grudge holding. We have memory for a reason! We aren’t plankton—we need memory to learn from the past.

I wish and hope that this guy is a keeper. But don’t ever put the image of the nice girl who “sees the best” and doesn’t “hold grudges” above an appropriate level of skepticism and a healthy respect for your intuition.

Most people are inherently good, but sometimes say or do stupid or thoughtless things.

How can you afford that flooring, you’re on similar wages to me?!

This question possibly come under ‘stupid or thoughtless’ things to say. He possibly hadn’t clocked that she had her mortgage paid off due to life insurance and isn’t paying child maintenance like he has so she has more disposable income.

I might buy that, but telling her she shouldn’t pay for treats for her own adult children and having a ‘thing’ about that-isn’t stupid/thoughtless, it’s interfering and none of his business. Telling her that his sons should get to stay in her daughter’s bedroom rather than her, isn’t thoughtless, it’s bossy and none of his business. Suggesting his sons come on holiday with them when he knows he can’t afford that, and then ‘joking’ that she should pay for them by telling her own kids to pay for themselves, isn’t stupid or thoughtless either. It’s opportunistic and none of his business.

I wonder, if it were such a "joke," if he would have declined had OP actually acquiesced to funding a holiday for HIS kids.

Would he have backpedaled and protested "Oh, no, I was only joking! I wouldn't dream of letting you subsidize my family, that's MY job as their dad." Or would he have eagerly hopped online and started investigating beach resorts?

So glad you spoke plainly to him, OP. The whole "he went quiet for a while" though suggests he is flummoxed at the idea of your finances being off limits for conversation or anything else.

Whatever OP decides to do, keep seeing him or dump him, the fact is that she WORKS with him so best all round to keep things civil. Way too soon to have started bringing his boys round, though, whichever way it goes.

is it possible that he is mentally getting ahead of himself and sees this as a long term thing and was (misguidedly and inappropriately at this stage but people are silly sometimes) trying to ensure his boys were treated fairly and equally in his new family...?

All the more reason not to make it a long term thing if he will seek to disadvantage OP's children for his own children's gain.

A 9 month relationship isn't new family. And if this man wants his children to have what his girlfriend's children have, he needs to work for it, not expect his girlfriend to provide it now or at some point down the line. I'm not buying this man's explanations or excuses for a minute. There is resentment in his words and calculation in his attempts to regroup and keep the OP (the kind woman that she is) feeling like he is the wounded one with his "poor me" issues. I'd be very interested to know why his marriage broke down.

Why On earth would it be her responsibility to use her assets to support another man’s children?

Because at a future point he might hope it would be joint assets rather than individual and as I said, he might be thinking long term and misguidedly and inappropriately acted as if they'd discussed it because he's thought about it. In that future situation I would want my children to get to go on holiday as well as my partners?

Different people have very different attitudes to money. Some people see shared lives as shared money, others are much more territorial about it.

Absolutely . I agree totally.

I'm actually bristling at reading these comments from him. You can buy your adult children whatever the bloody hell you want, if you can afford to buy it buy it! The fact that they are working, is neither here nor there. They are your children, yours.

I think he thinks he's definitely onto a good thing, and no doubt will start acting all offended that you might think that he has an ulterior motive. Believe you me he does. Nobody needs this kind of aggro, especially so soon after having lost their husband.

I do suggest also, that you don't think of him as your partner, rather just as a manfriend. Calling someone a partner has deep connotations, someone who is in for the long haul, someone who has your back, someone who totally understands you, a team member, part of your unit.

Nobody can be that after 9 months.

Honestly he's got some nerve!

It sounds like you have your eyes open now. Watch your back and be alert for any subtle manipulative comments that creep in over time.

You are doing an amazing job with your kids and no-one has a right to criticise or tell you you how to spend YOUR money on them, or on your home, or your life generally.

Don't let his jealously bring you down. Let us know if anything else worries you, sometimes it's hard to make sense of it. Many of us are happy to support and not say I told you so 😊 happy new year.

Oh no no - he sounds a right money grabber! Wise words indeed from @TurquoiseJasper and @Shinyandnew1

He's raising red flags, pay attention to your hackles, they are warning you... throw the whole man away.

But he did double down and confirm he thinks you’re too generous to the adult kids (who lost their father)? I just think it’s convenient that once he realised you were thinking it was over (which you literally were) and Rightmove equity started to disappear before his eyes, he started to panic and magically said all the right things.

I think a big thing is that in the case where each member of a couple has children of their own, most assets won't become 'joint', nor should they if they have any sense. Each person has a responsibility to protect the financial 'interests' of their own children.

As far as paying for the other person's children to go on a holiday, I don't think that should be a given either. If the 'better off' person offers to, fine. But it shouldn't be expected. Perhaps what should be expected would be to tailor the holiday to the ability of each parent to pay. My aunt and her 2nd husband didn't treat each other's adult children the same way they treated their own. Her 2nd husband had more disposable income than she did, although she was very comfortable. But where he would buy his daughters expensive jewelry or handbags for their birthdays and Xmas, she never expected that he buy her daughter 'equal value' gifts. She 'gifted' her daughter according to her own ability to give, he did likewise for his.

But the bigger issue here was that this man thought that OP's adult children should pay their own way, but that she should pay for HIS minor children. All kinds of wrong.

The OP's husband died. His sad passing has allowed his wife and family to have financial security. How dare this guy, only known for a few months, dare to dictate how money is spent. The audacity.

I think he sounds a bit like a kid, who thought he could go wild in a sweetie shop only to discover there is a budget. I can totally see how he could have wrapped himself up in the idea he could ameliorate his financial situation.

As for now, seeing as you’ve put boundaries up, only time will tell. Maybe he will realise you’re too important to lose. Maybe the money is still a draw and you do rightly need your wits about you.