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Original poster

is my new partner starting to get abit weird about money and assets

638 replies

smilingeleanor · 29/12/2023 19:27

Name changed as some of this might be abit outing. My DH passed away unexpectedly over 4 years ago and I have been seeing my partner for about 9 months. Wasn't looking and still not sure I'm that ready but we met at a work conference thing and it's been fun and easy ....ish until more recently

I have 5 children - 4 living at home, eldest DD24 lives with boyfriend, adult DD20 at university, DS19 working full time and then DS14 at secondary and DD9 in primary school. New partner has 2 sons also both 14 who live mainly with their mum - all amicable.

There's been a few things of late concerning me - Started when i was having new flooring laid and he asked how I could afford it on my salary (we both earn about the same - we do the same sort of role so everyone knows the salary bands). He's hinted before about my house early on and I kinda had to say well my husband died but he's been angling for more info since. Life insurance paid off the mortgage plus a payment & death in service. I've mostly invested this and use my salary for the bills - but no mortgage or debts means salary goes further

anyhow I just laughed the flooring question off - but over xmas we got in a convo about a summer holiday. I was inviting adult DD who wanted to go and he overheard me say it was my treat - he was already wanting to go and would be paying himself but he then said can his boys come - fine by me they are nice lads and seem to get on on with mine but he sort made a joke about me paying for them as a treat. I nipped that straight away and said he'd have to pay for them as i couldn't and he got a bit narky saying well my sons and daughter who both work could pay for themselves freeing up that money

he later apologised but tried to say i do t get it as obviously have no mortgage or debt

anyhow - we've had another set to today. Having a NYE get together- DD and her boyf coming and will use the guest bedroom (her old room) as they always do. He seemed to think his boys would be there and has told them this - they don't want to sleep on air bed in my son's room or in the living room apparently.

He also says i'm closed off and secretive about my financial situation and doesn't get why

Im just abit fed up now - i dont want drama and i will not get into conversations about what i have invested and where. Although he did admit to looking up the market value of my house!

OP posts:
WonderingWanda · 29/12/2023 20:35

Wildhorses2244 · 29/12/2023 20:24

If you think that these replies aren’t right, and that there’s more to the relationship than people are suggesting, there is a really easy way to test it.

Next time he brings up something around money sit him down and say. “Look, I know that it looks to you like I’m well off because I haven’t got a mortgage to pay, but the downside of that is that everything belongs to the kids. The house, the savings etc is all theirs in trust from when dh died and whilst I can use it for things for them like flooring or holidays I can’t just use it on whatever I fancy - like for example I couldn’t just use it on a holiday for the two of us. So, swings and roundabouts. Plus when your kids are grown you’ll have your house but when ds9 is adult I’ll need to move somewhere rented”

If he loves you and isn’t interested in the money he’ll back off a bit on expectations. If he’s more interested in the money he’ll disappear…

Edited

I don't think op should explain anything about her finances to him. It's really not his business.

It was very brazen of him to suggest your adult dc could pay their own way and that you could pay for his sons. It sounds like he is already viewing you a one big blended family and he should be having a share of your finances. In your situation I would be very guarded about this and make it very clear that you enjoy being in a relationship with him but have no intention of merging households and finances with him as your dc are your priority.

Radyward · 29/12/2023 20:35

You are no eedjit OP. You have seen his easing into your house. Judging how you spend your money. Has eyed up the value of your home. The cheek of him He is a total leech. Biding his time but letting slip the darts of control.? The cost of flooring. He needs to do one as thats only him circling the prize. He is hirrible.soon kids stay over leave stuff in your DD room and she feels squeezed out and replaced.
Get rid or cool it big time

KateofGhent · 29/12/2023 20:35

What @Floopani said, with bells on. These predators are charm itself to begin with, but the truth will out, this one can't help himself.

Tawlk · 29/12/2023 20:35

Oh lord doesn’t sound good to me at all and only 9 months in, your finances are none of his business. I would see this as a major red flag.

Cherrysoup · 29/12/2023 20:36

Don’t think he’d be coming on holiday me! He expected his sons to stay but didn’t ask if it was ok for them to stay in YOUR house?! And has checked out the value of your property? Jesus, put him in the bin!

Zoreos · 29/12/2023 20:37

Gymnopedie · 29/12/2023 20:15

see I feel abit bad now reading the replies. He was never after money or even spoke about it for first 6 months but I guess he didn't realise or think. And i don't want to imply i'm some sort of millionaire cos im absolutely not and still work full time to ensure i don't need to chip into what i do have for day to day living costs.

We like the same sort of things, went out for meals, theatre, concerts, walls etc and were pretty much 50:50 - wasn't until he started coming into my home abit that the queries started. But otherwise he is kind, reliable, funny and good company.

OP these replies might be very difficult to read. But stop backtracking. If he'd done this from the first meeting you'd never have got involved. He had to get you to like him before he could start on the ££ signs. He managed 6 months. This is the real him, what he was before was an act. Walk away.

Absolutely 100% this! He’s showing you his true colours now OP but it seems you don’t quite want to believe it. It didn’t take long for his mask to slip. Stop making excuses for him, he thinks he getting his feet under the table I wouldn’t be surprised if he starts talking about moving in together etc very shortly. He’s told you about a loan, watch out for him trying to guilt trip you into help him pay it. As soon as you said your husband died that should have been end of that discussion, not an avenue for more. Why else would he be so pushy about your finances and hinting for you to pay for him and his kids holiday? Normal people who aren’t chancers do not behave like this.

Arou · 29/12/2023 20:37

If you watch any documentary about romance scammers this is how it starts… just enough kindness, normality to gaslight you into thinking it’s normal and staying until it’s too late. This isn’t normal behaviour - not at all.

Wishimaywishimight · 29/12/2023 20:37

OP, has this blatant interest in your finances, the value of your house etc. not changed your view of him? Can you see yourself staying with him?

Regardless of how kind and reliable he is, the memory of him suggesting your children pay for their own holiday while you pay for his kids would honestly turn my stomach.

Borth · 29/12/2023 20:38

Back in the sea

DobbyRuth · 29/12/2023 20:38

Obviously a gold digger.

VictoriasSponges · 29/12/2023 20:38

He also says i'm closed off and secretive about my financial situation and doesn't get why

He doesn't get why?

He's your boyfriend (not a partner) of 9 months and wants to know how much money etc you have?

Seriously, OP, take off those rose tinted specs.

I'd not hesitate to say goodbye to him.

GreyBlackLove · 29/12/2023 20:39

The biggest red flags would be the checking your house value, and wanting your kids to pay so you can then pay for his.

Tread very carefully OP, that level of interest and entitlement cannot be coming from a good place. If you won't consider finishing it now be alert to future demands and keep your finances and homes thoroughly separate

LaurieStrode · 29/12/2023 20:39

The gall! Imagine prying into the finances of a nine-month acquaintance under any other circumstances! Or assuming he can assign rooms at your home, or that you'll "treat"his children to a getaway.

He's looking for an easy meal ticket. Kick him to the curb.

AllAroundMyCat · 29/12/2023 20:39

He's working slowly on you. Once you're hooked his true colours will show.
So far he's just dropped little clues.

Be very, very wary if you want to carry on with his m but , honestly, I think you need to sack him off.

ithinkthatmaybeimdreaming · 29/12/2023 20:40

Sorry OP, this isn't sounding good. I would be very wary of this one.

ManateeFair · 29/12/2023 20:40

smilingeleanor · 29/12/2023 20:10

see I feel abit bad now reading the replies. He was never after money or even spoke about it for first 6 months but I guess he didn't realise or think. And i don't want to imply i'm some sort of millionaire cos im absolutely not and still work full time to ensure i don't need to chip into what i do have for day to day living costs.

We like the same sort of things, went out for meals, theatre, concerts, walls etc and were pretty much 50:50 - wasn't until he started coming into my home abit that the queries started. But otherwise he is kind, reliable, funny and good company.

He is divorced and they sold family home - he now has small (but perfectly nice) terraced house, he's mentioned a loan he has and i know he pays maintenance as well so our incomes - whilst similar - don't result in the same outcome.

he definitely won't be proposing Grin we've had no talk at all of him moving in or sharing lives together and that isn't what i want at all

his boys have only stayed twice before - both times in spare room as my daughter wasn't there. I didn't really think about it for NYE until he mentioned it but he did know my daughter was coming and it's her old room ....

i think on reflection too soon to be holidaying together. We're a more the merrier type family so boyfriends/ girlfriends/ friends etc always welcome to tag along and i think i got carried away with this. I think will say as it's too soon to have family holiday together.

He may well not be ‘after your money’ but his behaviour is still a massive red flag. He’s quizzing you about things that are literally none of his bloody business! You don’t live together and have only been seeing him for nine months and he’s poking his nose into your finances and he’s pushing you to treat his teenagers better than your own kids. How dare he say you shouldn’t be treating your own adult kids because you could use that money for his sons, or that his sons should have the spare room at your house instead of your your daughter?

If you were getting married or planning to live together then course you’d need to talk a bit about finances, but he is being fucking weird to be demanding to know how you paid for your floor and how your house was financed after the death of your husband. And by acting like you’re somehow being secretive, he’s just gaslighting you.

Get rid of him; he’s being pushy and controlling.

MILTOBE · 29/12/2023 20:40

Maybe he was originally a nice guy but he's certainly interested in your money and for that reason I'd dump him. How dare he suggest you pay for his children to go on holiday with you both? That's outrageous. If you'd suggested, that would be one thing, but for him to suggest it is really awful.

Put this one in the bin, OP.

museumum · 29/12/2023 20:41

If you want to call it a day I’d totally understand. But if you want to see how it goes a bit longer I think it’s very important you make it very clear to your new bf that your husband and children’s father is dead. Not divorced. Dead. Any money you have as a result of that is for their welfare. You won’t be sharing.

im not sure how much you reference your dh but it sounds like new bf has forgotten or not realised you and he are not in the same position. You are not both divorcees.

369damnshesfine · 29/12/2023 20:41

I would be extremely on my guard with this one OP.

The examples of some things he has said are not even things that someone would say to a serious partner and he definitely shouldn’t feel so comfortable saying them only 9 months in.

I’m not saying he’s a a scammer or cock lodger but it’s quite concerning to hear you say how he definitely can’t be because he pays 50:50 and is really nice etc.

These sorts of people don’t show their true colours straight away, they act very generous and so you’re lured into a false sense of security.

No one should be irked that their partner has more free disposable income than them.
And you shouldn’t have to explain how you can afford certain things or feel guilty by treating your own kids.

Please be very careful.

ReallyAgainReally · 29/12/2023 20:42

HNRWT

Run @smilingeleanor Run!

369damnshesfine · 29/12/2023 20:43

VictoriasSponges · 29/12/2023 20:38

He also says i'm closed off and secretive about my financial situation and doesn't get why

He doesn't get why?

He's your boyfriend (not a partner) of 9 months and wants to know how much money etc you have?

Seriously, OP, take off those rose tinted specs.

I'd not hesitate to say goodbye to him.

Exactly!

Why would a boyfriend of only 9 months need to know anything about your financial situation.

There is absolutely no need.

LardoBurrows · 29/12/2023 20:44

Any man who thought I should pay for his DC to go on holiday at the expense of my own, or thought his DC should be given priority over bedrooms would be given the old heave ho immediately. The same goes for any man who started questioning me over my finances and then got stroppy because I didn't just roll over and give him all the information he demanded.

Honestly Op, if he is showing this level of entitlement after only 9 months, things won't get better, only worse. Be grateful that he has shown you who he really is now and throw this one back.

Lazytakeawaymum · 29/12/2023 20:44

Run for the hills

NoWayRose · 29/12/2023 20:45

Having divorced and split his finances while paying maintenance will have meant downshift in lifestyle. He sees you as a way to correct this. I can totally see how he’ll see it as unfair that you now have enough for two and he’ll think it logical that he’s entitled to some.

It’s ridic that he feels this entitled 9 months in. How on earth will he act in a few years? Listen to people - it’s these little clues in the beginning that always become the big things people split up over in 10 years time.

BlessedBeTheFruitCake · 29/12/2023 20:45

If you don’t bin him off now tread very carefully. He’s letting his true colours show and it’s not pretty.