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Original poster

is my new partner starting to get abit weird about money and assets

638 replies

smilingeleanor · 29/12/2023 19:27

Name changed as some of this might be abit outing. My DH passed away unexpectedly over 4 years ago and I have been seeing my partner for about 9 months. Wasn't looking and still not sure I'm that ready but we met at a work conference thing and it's been fun and easy ....ish until more recently

I have 5 children - 4 living at home, eldest DD24 lives with boyfriend, adult DD20 at university, DS19 working full time and then DS14 at secondary and DD9 in primary school. New partner has 2 sons also both 14 who live mainly with their mum - all amicable.

There's been a few things of late concerning me - Started when i was having new flooring laid and he asked how I could afford it on my salary (we both earn about the same - we do the same sort of role so everyone knows the salary bands). He's hinted before about my house early on and I kinda had to say well my husband died but he's been angling for more info since. Life insurance paid off the mortgage plus a payment & death in service. I've mostly invested this and use my salary for the bills - but no mortgage or debts means salary goes further

anyhow I just laughed the flooring question off - but over xmas we got in a convo about a summer holiday. I was inviting adult DD who wanted to go and he overheard me say it was my treat - he was already wanting to go and would be paying himself but he then said can his boys come - fine by me they are nice lads and seem to get on on with mine but he sort made a joke about me paying for them as a treat. I nipped that straight away and said he'd have to pay for them as i couldn't and he got a bit narky saying well my sons and daughter who both work could pay for themselves freeing up that money

he later apologised but tried to say i do t get it as obviously have no mortgage or debt

anyhow - we've had another set to today. Having a NYE get together- DD and her boyf coming and will use the guest bedroom (her old room) as they always do. He seemed to think his boys would be there and has told them this - they don't want to sleep on air bed in my son's room or in the living room apparently.

He also says i'm closed off and secretive about my financial situation and doesn't get why

Im just abit fed up now - i dont want drama and i will not get into conversations about what i have invested and where. Although he did admit to looking up the market value of my house!

OP posts:
Joeylove88 · 29/12/2023 21:00

Iv read all your posts and my opinion is still that hes overstepping the mark with you OP! Your financial situation is absolutley none of his business and its incredibly weird for someone you havent even been with that long to be asking you questions about these things and even coming across as whingy because he doesnt have what you have. Hes either after something or has no boundaries when it comes to prying into others financial situations. If you dont feel uncomfortable you can tell him where to go!

369damnshesfine · 29/12/2023 21:00

Itsnotallaboutyoulikeyouthink · 29/12/2023 20:46

Like you I’m a widow. My own husband didn’t know about my own finances so 9 months in this is none of his business. Widows we surely attract them either think we are rich and vulnerable or vulnerable and gagging for it.

This is what you have to be careful of OP.

Some people do prey on widows.

flowersfromheaven · 29/12/2023 21:00

I agree with what everyone is telling you, he sounds as if he is after your money, why would he look up the value of your house because it's nothing to do with him, please listen to what people are saying.

Tonight1 · 29/12/2023 21:00

OnTheBoardwalk · 29/12/2023 20:58

Why on earth should OP cancel everyone’s NYE plans??

Show quote history

Oh not theirs, I meant boyfriend and kids staying over

Zoreos · 29/12/2023 21:01

smilingeleanor · 29/12/2023 20:54

my guard is up - i will have the conversation about the holiday tomorrow and I think his reaction will tell me what I need to know

I dont actually think his lads would care where they slept - they've always been polite, a little shy but seem easy going. It was him that got narky around expectations. he's very protective of them and i think was going into that mode

It’s good you’re going to have that conversation.

What dangers can he possibly be perceiving that makes him want to be protective of his children either sleeping in your son’s room or the living room? Unless you keep a 15ft crocodile in either of those rooms then it’s not him being protective is it. He believes his children are more deserving of a better style of comfort than your own children. He seems to be trying to de-class your children and get you to treat them as second class citizens in their own home. Both with the sleeping arrangements and making your children pay for their holiday so his kids can go for free. You don’t seem to be bothered by this?

TomatoSandwiches · 29/12/2023 21:01

The language he uses to describe your shrewdness in regard to YOUR financial information is manipulative, it's none of his business, you are boyfriend and girlfriend and have been for 9 months, that's nothing, he has no right to have any insights to your finances.

Anotherparkingthread · 29/12/2023 21:01

Urgh this man is a total creep. What an entitled begger he is! Throw him back he has absolutely nothing to offer you.

Farmageddon · 29/12/2023 21:04

NoWayRose · 29/12/2023 20:56

This ‘closed off’ thing is so manipulative and gaslighting. He wouldn’t be saying that you were being secretive if it wasn’t something if was keen to know about. You might not know what brand of washing powder he uses, but that doesn’t mean he’s being secretive about it, it’s because you don’t care

This is also very true. The idea that you are 'closed off' for not revealing your finances to him after only dating for a few months is ridiculous - it's absolutely none of his business.

If he keeps pushing this stuff then you know where his priorities are.

MsPavlichenko · 29/12/2023 21:05

I don’t want to over egg the pudding. But… you are already making excuses about him going into “ protective mode” It’s insidious this sort of thing, hard to notice. You might be right of course . Alternatively he’s not protective ( though why in this situation?) but controlling. Of his DC too.

Your conversation re holiday won’t necessarily tell you anything. He’s almost certainly picked up on your disquiet and will probably be on the charm offensive. Please think carefully about what we are all saying here.

DontListenToWhatYouveConsumed · 29/12/2023 21:05

I used to live near Broadmoor. They did a siren check each week.
That's the noise I could hear in my head when reading your OP @smilingeleanor .
You know he's a wrongun, dump & run.

Olive19741205 · 29/12/2023 21:06

he got a bit narky saying well my sons and daughter who both work could pay for themselves freeing up that money

So if this was a woman who wasn't as switched on as the OP...she would maybe go along with what he's saying and agree to pay for his sons, give them the bedroom etc. He'd accept this, he wanted OP to accept it. That's the type of man he is. Ousting the daughter and free holidays for his sons and god knows what else. After 9 months.

Siha345 · 29/12/2023 21:06

Dwrcegin · 29/12/2023 20:57

he got a bit narky saying well my sons and daughter who both work could pay for themselves freeing up that money.

He also says i'm closed off and secretive about my financial situation and doesn't get why

He sounds very resentful. That would be a massive red flag for me.

This ^. I don’t think he’s necessarily a gold digger but I think he is resentful and jealous of your financial position. In your shoes I’d sternly remind him that my husband died and ask him to please not comment on my finances, then take things from there. Any more of his current behaviour and I’d definitely go off him

OnTheBoardwalk · 29/12/2023 21:06

Tonight1 · 29/12/2023 21:00

Oh not theirs, I meant boyfriend and kids staying over

Show quote history

Ah ok really sorry @Tonight1 for the misunderstanding!! I got it wrong and thought it was a bit harsh on OPs kids to cancel

agree cancel his NYE plans, he can go wave his red flags somewhere else

DelurkingLawyer · 29/12/2023 21:07

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 29/12/2023 20:25

Men like that often don’t show their true colours for 6 months, sometimes longer, because if they showed them on date one or date two there would be no date three.

Be careful you don’t explain this away and miss it for the red flag it is. He feels his sons should be your priority over your daughter. He has stated that very clearly both with the holiday and the bedroom.

Your instincts are telling you something isn’t right because something isn’t right. Listen to them before you end up in any deeper.

Show quote history

Sorry OP but this is exactly what I think’s going on here. Most cocklodgers play a long game. They don’t show up after the first date on their motorbike with their guitar and ask to move in, because almost all women would tell them to get the hell out. They try to be good company and become indispensable and meanwhile they feel their way to see what they can get and where your boundaries are.

You’re starting to see the real him - the man who thinks you owe him and his sons a living. You don’t need this person in your life.

Lorelaigilless · 29/12/2023 21:07

No no no, and no. Get rid. But before you do make sure all his belongings are out of your house, and you’ve got no other commitments to/owe him at all as I don’t think he’ll take kindly to being dumped.

CappelliBand · 29/12/2023 21:08

Wow. I agree with all the PPs highlighting how these incidences are red flags that show he is manipulative and resentful of your financial situation.

He wants himself and his kids to be benefiting from your generosity before your own children and that is crazy for a 9-month relationship.

starfishmummy · 29/12/2023 21:10

RUN

ScroogeMcDuckling · 29/12/2023 21:10

Personally, if I was you, I would test the water with this one.

Tell him (in case he has realised) that you we’re widowed four years ago with five children.

Now the next bit us a secret, you don’t want your children knowing this

The house has been sorted out by his parents and that one day it will be sold, you will move into a much cheaper property and the children get a massive deposit for their property.

if you remarry or want to move someone in, you have to buy your own property. See how that pans out

DIYlady23 · 29/12/2023 21:10

Get rid of him. Definite red flags here!

Marine30 · 29/12/2023 21:12

Doesn’t sound right - get out quick I think. Your money is your money - he seems to be trying to get dibs on it 😬

Iloveacurry · 29/12/2023 21:12

Good luck op. Your financial situation is really none of his business.

PinkCandles · 29/12/2023 21:13

Can't believe someone you've been with 9 months thinks you should make your own dc pay for the holiday so you can afford to pay for his dc instead. Wtf!

pikkumyy77 · 29/12/2023 21:14

OP I am late to the fair but I agree with everyone else . This man is super creepy! Not all bad boyfriends come with a warning label or obvious bad habits. But his behavior is very concerning. And totally unnecessary and odd for a normal 9 month boyfriend. You seem confused because all of this, even said pleasantly or casually, is really not OK and a grown woman should twig that. So he seems to be confusing you. Thats bad in and of itself. Reason enough to get rid of him.

oakleaffy · 29/12/2023 21:15

@smilingeleanor
COOOOOCCKK £ODGER A£ERT 🚨🐓🚨!!!!

Dillane · 29/12/2023 21:17

Jf20 · 29/12/2023 19:30

Oh god op this is bad, that’s appalling he tried to get his kids a free holiday on you. He’s now eying up your money and assets for him and his.

get out and fast.

This
Run don’t walk 🏃‍♀️

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