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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

is my new partner starting to get abit weird about money and assets

638 replies

smilingeleanor · 29/12/2023 19:27

Name changed as some of this might be abit outing. My DH passed away unexpectedly over 4 years ago and I have been seeing my partner for about 9 months. Wasn't looking and still not sure I'm that ready but we met at a work conference thing and it's been fun and easy ....ish until more recently

I have 5 children - 4 living at home, eldest DD24 lives with boyfriend, adult DD20 at university, DS19 working full time and then DS14 at secondary and DD9 in primary school. New partner has 2 sons also both 14 who live mainly with their mum - all amicable.

There's been a few things of late concerning me - Started when i was having new flooring laid and he asked how I could afford it on my salary (we both earn about the same - we do the same sort of role so everyone knows the salary bands). He's hinted before about my house early on and I kinda had to say well my husband died but he's been angling for more info since. Life insurance paid off the mortgage plus a payment & death in service. I've mostly invested this and use my salary for the bills - but no mortgage or debts means salary goes further

anyhow I just laughed the flooring question off - but over xmas we got in a convo about a summer holiday. I was inviting adult DD who wanted to go and he overheard me say it was my treat - he was already wanting to go and would be paying himself but he then said can his boys come - fine by me they are nice lads and seem to get on on with mine but he sort made a joke about me paying for them as a treat. I nipped that straight away and said he'd have to pay for them as i couldn't and he got a bit narky saying well my sons and daughter who both work could pay for themselves freeing up that money

he later apologised but tried to say i do t get it as obviously have no mortgage or debt

anyhow - we've had another set to today. Having a NYE get together- DD and her boyf coming and will use the guest bedroom (her old room) as they always do. He seemed to think his boys would be there and has told them this - they don't want to sleep on air bed in my son's room or in the living room apparently.

He also says i'm closed off and secretive about my financial situation and doesn't get why

Im just abit fed up now - i dont want drama and i will not get into conversations about what i have invested and where. Although he did admit to looking up the market value of my house!

OP posts:
Angelsrose · 29/12/2023 20:23

I think it is time to get rid of this potential leech before things get ugly. Why on earth would you pay for his kids when you have 5 of your own? It sounds really crazy. If you get any further entwined, your current comfortable life will become very uncomfortable for no reason. It seems so sad that so many men want an easy life at a woman's expense.

SusanKennedyshouldLTB · 29/12/2023 20:23

he sort made a joke about me paying for them as a treat. I nipped that straight away and said he'd have to pay for them as i couldn't and he got a bit narky saying well my sons and daughter who both work could pay for themselves freeing up that money
he seems annoyed that your husband died and left you better off. That is not a good man.

BrightGreenMoonBuggy · 29/12/2023 20:24

God, he’s not even hiding that he’s a nosy bastard who wants to know exactly how much money you’ve got, is he? None of his bloody business!!!! He knows you’re comfortable and not in debt - any more than that is for you to share if you choose. Assuming you’ll foot the bill for holidays is outrageous.

Wildhorses2244 · 29/12/2023 20:24

If you think that these replies aren’t right, and that there’s more to the relationship than people are suggesting, there is a really easy way to test it.

Next time he brings up something around money sit him down and say. “Look, I know that it looks to you like I’m well off because I haven’t got a mortgage to pay, but the downside of that is that everything belongs to the kids. The house, the savings etc is all theirs in trust from when dh died and whilst I can use it for things for them like flooring or holidays I can’t just use it on whatever I fancy - like for example I couldn’t just use it on a holiday for the two of us. So, swings and roundabouts. Plus when your kids are grown you’ll have your house but when ds9 is adult I’ll need to move somewhere rented”

If he loves you and isn’t interested in the money he’ll back off a bit on expectations. If he’s more interested in the money he’ll disappear…

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 29/12/2023 20:25

smilingeleanor · 29/12/2023 20:10

see I feel abit bad now reading the replies. He was never after money or even spoke about it for first 6 months but I guess he didn't realise or think. And i don't want to imply i'm some sort of millionaire cos im absolutely not and still work full time to ensure i don't need to chip into what i do have for day to day living costs.

We like the same sort of things, went out for meals, theatre, concerts, walls etc and were pretty much 50:50 - wasn't until he started coming into my home abit that the queries started. But otherwise he is kind, reliable, funny and good company.

He is divorced and they sold family home - he now has small (but perfectly nice) terraced house, he's mentioned a loan he has and i know he pays maintenance as well so our incomes - whilst similar - don't result in the same outcome.

he definitely won't be proposing Grin we've had no talk at all of him moving in or sharing lives together and that isn't what i want at all

his boys have only stayed twice before - both times in spare room as my daughter wasn't there. I didn't really think about it for NYE until he mentioned it but he did know my daughter was coming and it's her old room ....

i think on reflection too soon to be holidaying together. We're a more the merrier type family so boyfriends/ girlfriends/ friends etc always welcome to tag along and i think i got carried away with this. I think will say as it's too soon to have family holiday together.

Men like that often don’t show their true colours for 6 months, sometimes longer, because if they showed them on date one or date two there would be no date three.

Be careful you don’t explain this away and miss it for the red flag it is. He feels his sons should be your priority over your daughter. He has stated that very clearly both with the holiday and the bedroom.

Your instincts are telling you something isn’t right because something isn’t right. Listen to them before you end up in any deeper.

Soontobe60 · 29/12/2023 20:26

He’s a charmer! Get rid.

lto2019 · 29/12/2023 20:26

He's a cheeky get 'joking' you pay for his kids and suggesting you make your own kids pay so as to pay for his.
He should have thought that your daughter was obviously going to stay in her own room when she's back - it is his fault for not thinking it through and mis leading his kids, so he will need to explain to them
He seems miffed that you have more disposable income and isn't considering that you and your children suffered a bereavement. If you don't dump him, next time he mentions money I would say - we would all prefer to have less money and not be without my husband/childrens' father.

WillowCraft · 29/12/2023 20:27

I've been with partners for years and never known how much money they had or where it was invested. There's no need to know that. It's fair to know of debts if you are moving in together, and have some idea of disposable income. For someone you never want to live with, 50 50.is the fairest way, no need for any financial knowledge. As for interfering with you treating your children, or expecting you to subsidise his who don't even live with him, that's insane.

Agree with pp that just because he didn't mention it for 6 months doesn't mean he wasn't thinking about it. Obviously if he'd been like this early on the relationship would never have lasted.

As you aren't even sounding that keen I would ditch without a second thought

AluckyEllie · 29/12/2023 20:27

Jeez he’s not even clever enough to mask his intentions. He sees you mortgage free, living in a nice house and is already eyeing it up, looking at the value, inviting his kids to use it like it’s their own. Trying to wrangle free holidays. Ditch him. Make sure you have an ironclad will leaving everything to your kids and make sure he knows that.

VictoriasSponges · 29/12/2023 20:27

I'm sorry but he sounds jealous of your finances, which you only have because of tragic circumstances.

He shouldn't be making demands that you pay for his sons on holiday , or demanding they sleep somewhere other than on camp beds or query how you can afford new flooring.

Sorry but it will only get worse.

9 months in he should be worshipping the ground you walk on, if he's keen.

When men show you who they are- pay attention.
He's divorced for a reason (and maybe you don't know the true reasons why.)

Timeforsnacks · 29/12/2023 20:28

A nice guy would not look up the value of your house. A nice guy would not tell their kids they can stay in your home without asking you first.
Please can your next post say you've dumped him before he could get his foot any more through the door! 🙏

MsPavlichenko · 29/12/2023 20:29

I understand you have had nice times, but huge red flags here. It’s not only the issue of him nosing about your money, and suggesting how to spend it. He’s entitled and can pushy, and possibly his DC are too ( though he could be making that up re sleeping arrangements.) He won’t get better, he’ll get worse, and you might be inclined to appease him going forward in a spirit of “ compromise”

It’s bad timing but you should really end this sooner rather than later. You don’t want to be back here next year with a similar thread. He’s a chancer at best OP.

35965a · 29/12/2023 20:30

He’s a gold digger

WillowCraft · 29/12/2023 20:30

Wildhorses2244 · 29/12/2023 20:24

If you think that these replies aren’t right, and that there’s more to the relationship than people are suggesting, there is a really easy way to test it.

Next time he brings up something around money sit him down and say. “Look, I know that it looks to you like I’m well off because I haven’t got a mortgage to pay, but the downside of that is that everything belongs to the kids. The house, the savings etc is all theirs in trust from when dh died and whilst I can use it for things for them like flooring or holidays I can’t just use it on whatever I fancy - like for example I couldn’t just use it on a holiday for the two of us. So, swings and roundabouts. Plus when your kids are grown you’ll have your house but when ds9 is adult I’ll need to move somewhere rented”

If he loves you and isn’t interested in the money he’ll back off a bit on expectations. If he’s more interested in the money he’ll disappear…

Edited

Seems unlikely though...the OP is entitled to half of the house and money. The husband wouldn't be able to disinherit her of her half in favour of the kids. Plus she has her own earnings. So obviously it's rubbish!

WonderLife · 29/12/2023 20:30

He's not a 'partner' he's a fairly new boyfriend. Don't promote him early.

tachetastic · 29/12/2023 20:30

smilingeleanor · 29/12/2023 20:10

see I feel abit bad now reading the replies. He was never after money or even spoke about it for first 6 months but I guess he didn't realise or think. And i don't want to imply i'm some sort of millionaire cos im absolutely not and still work full time to ensure i don't need to chip into what i do have for day to day living costs.

We like the same sort of things, went out for meals, theatre, concerts, walls etc and were pretty much 50:50 - wasn't until he started coming into my home abit that the queries started. But otherwise he is kind, reliable, funny and good company.

He is divorced and they sold family home - he now has small (but perfectly nice) terraced house, he's mentioned a loan he has and i know he pays maintenance as well so our incomes - whilst similar - don't result in the same outcome.

he definitely won't be proposing Grin we've had no talk at all of him moving in or sharing lives together and that isn't what i want at all

his boys have only stayed twice before - both times in spare room as my daughter wasn't there. I didn't really think about it for NYE until he mentioned it but he did know my daughter was coming and it's her old room ....

i think on reflection too soon to be holidaying together. We're a more the merrier type family so boyfriends/ girlfriends/ friends etc always welcome to tag along and i think i got carried away with this. I think will say as it's too soon to have family holiday together.

If you're not talking about sharing lives, then absolutely stop any conversation about what you spend or who pays for what. You spend what you want on your home and your kids, and he can spend as much or as little as he wants on his home and his kids.

And for the future, do not talk about sharing lives. He's already working out how many assets you have and judging you on how you spend your money. You sound like someone with a sensible head who wants to enjoy time with her kids. You don't need him for this and it sounds like that way madness and a lot of arguments lie.

Mmhmmn · 29/12/2023 20:30

Trust your instincts OP - his comments on your financial situation don't sound like they come from a good place or are headed for a good place. He's sounding very presumptuous, very nosy and pretty arrogant.

KateofGhent · 29/12/2023 20:30

Tonight1 · 29/12/2023 19:55

He doesn't sound a decent man.

Of course his sons can't have your daughter's old room. She'll be in it! They sound as entitled as he is if they're whining about having an airbed.

This.
This man at the very least is an opportunist, especially as you stated in your op that you were not looking for anyone.
Who is he, that he tries to dictate that his sons have priority over the sleeping arrangements in your house?

Needapadlockonmyfridge · 29/12/2023 20:30

Please listen to what your gut instincts are telling you.

This man does not have your/your family's best interests at heart. At all.

He is a grabby CF. Please dump him.

VictoriasSponges · 29/12/2023 20:31

Seems unlikely though...the OP is entitled to half of the house and money. The husband wouldn't be able to disinherit her of her half in favour of the kids.

What are you talking about? The OP is a widow and owns all of her house etc.

larkstar · 29/12/2023 20:32

So - why did he separate from the mother of his children - what went on there?

DarkDarkNight · 29/12/2023 20:32

So many red flags 🚩 🚩🚩 personally I wouldn’t be comfortable continuing this relationship. This behaviour is obviously making you uncomfortable, I suggest you would be so much better off without him.

He is obviously envious and bitter of your financial freedom compare to his and jealously guarding your finances and house. If you do continue seeing him I would never move in with him or tie your life up financially with his, I think it would be disastrous for you and for your children if you are hoping to leave them an inheritance.

LookingforMaryPoppins · 29/12/2023 20:33

This is neither normal or reasonable behaviour.

This is a huge red flag, I would end things.

RM2013 · 29/12/2023 20:34

None of his business. Sorry OP but I’d bin him off

VictoriasSponges · 29/12/2023 20:34

I wouldn't call him an opportunist as such. To be blunt if all he wanted was a woman with money he'd look elsewhere as the OP is 'comfortable' but not a millionaire.

he seems jealous, pushy and selfish.
Moving too fast and wants it all on HIS terms. That's the worrying part.

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