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Original poster

is my new partner starting to get abit weird about money and assets

638 replies

smilingeleanor · 29/12/2023 19:27

Name changed as some of this might be abit outing. My DH passed away unexpectedly over 4 years ago and I have been seeing my partner for about 9 months. Wasn't looking and still not sure I'm that ready but we met at a work conference thing and it's been fun and easy ....ish until more recently

I have 5 children - 4 living at home, eldest DD24 lives with boyfriend, adult DD20 at university, DS19 working full time and then DS14 at secondary and DD9 in primary school. New partner has 2 sons also both 14 who live mainly with their mum - all amicable.

There's been a few things of late concerning me - Started when i was having new flooring laid and he asked how I could afford it on my salary (we both earn about the same - we do the same sort of role so everyone knows the salary bands). He's hinted before about my house early on and I kinda had to say well my husband died but he's been angling for more info since. Life insurance paid off the mortgage plus a payment & death in service. I've mostly invested this and use my salary for the bills - but no mortgage or debts means salary goes further

anyhow I just laughed the flooring question off - but over xmas we got in a convo about a summer holiday. I was inviting adult DD who wanted to go and he overheard me say it was my treat - he was already wanting to go and would be paying himself but he then said can his boys come - fine by me they are nice lads and seem to get on on with mine but he sort made a joke about me paying for them as a treat. I nipped that straight away and said he'd have to pay for them as i couldn't and he got a bit narky saying well my sons and daughter who both work could pay for themselves freeing up that money

he later apologised but tried to say i do t get it as obviously have no mortgage or debt

anyhow - we've had another set to today. Having a NYE get together- DD and her boyf coming and will use the guest bedroom (her old room) as they always do. He seemed to think his boys would be there and has told them this - they don't want to sleep on air bed in my son's room or in the living room apparently.

He also says i'm closed off and secretive about my financial situation and doesn't get why

Im just abit fed up now - i dont want drama and i will not get into conversations about what i have invested and where. Although he did admit to looking up the market value of my house!

OP posts:
Lunde · 30/12/2023 14:22

coffeeaddict77 · 30/12/2023 11:10

As someone who looks up houses on rightmove quite a lot I don't think looking up the value of your house is a big deal. Expecting you to pay for and prioritise his DC over yours or discuss finances is outrageous though.

I think that looking up the house price might be dismissed as being a bit nosy - although surely only idiots tell the homeowner about doing this.

However in this case it just adds to a pattern of behaviour in being overly interested and pushy about OP's finances - ie wanting to know details of her assets and spending, wanting his children treated to holidays over OP's, demanding his children get their own bedroom etc etc

coffeeaddict77 · 30/12/2023 15:14

Lunde · 30/12/2023 14:22

I think that looking up the house price might be dismissed as being a bit nosy - although surely only idiots tell the homeowner about doing this.

However in this case it just adds to a pattern of behaviour in being overly interested and pushy about OP's finances - ie wanting to know details of her assets and spending, wanting his children treated to holidays over OP's, demanding his children get their own bedroom etc etc

Show quote history

That's pretty much what I said!

Geppili · 30/12/2023 16:27

Moneygrabber

Puzzledandpissedoff · 30/12/2023 17:37

Lunde · 30/12/2023 14:22

I think that looking up the house price might be dismissed as being a bit nosy - although surely only idiots tell the homeowner about doing this.

However in this case it just adds to a pattern of behaviour in being overly interested and pushy about OP's finances - ie wanting to know details of her assets and spending, wanting his children treated to holidays over OP's, demanding his children get their own bedroom etc etc

Show quote history

Accurately put, Lunde

I imagine plenty of us have looked up properties out of interest, but it's the entitlement which this guy has tacked onto it that makes the difference

AcrossthePond55 · 30/12/2023 20:01

Looking up property values is 'fine' IMHO. Nosy, but no harm really done as long as you keep it to yourself. But if you're too stupid to keep your mouth shut about what you find out, then you're not someone I'm going to put a lot of trust or effort into.

Gonners · 30/12/2023 20:52

Surely unless someone has moved in fairly recently, the only accurate information you'll see on (for example) Rightmove or the Land Registry is historic sale prices, which might be 20+ years old? They don't give current values ... or do they? How could they? There is a site that gives an "estimated" current value/price, but the range for our house is absurdly wide and seems to be based on "Think of a number, double it, and add 10% - that's the bottom of the range. Then take the maddest estate agent's over-ambitious estimate (in an attempt to get your business), add 10% - and that's the high end".

But regardless of all that, he sounds very much like one to throw back into the river, OP. I'd start by uninviting him and his children for New Year (though at this late stage I might well chicken-out by claiming a contagious illness like norovirus or bubonic plague) and then take it from there.

Good luck.

BIossomtoes · 30/12/2023 22:28

Zoopla has estimations of the current price of most houses.

VictoriasSponges · 31/12/2023 08:22

BIossomtoes · 30/12/2023 22:28

Zoopla has estimations of the current price of most houses.

Zoopla wildly exaggerates/ inflates prices using some algorithm that doesn't reflect reality.

My house is shown as being up to £1M which is nonsense because I know what's sold similar to mine in the area , and that estimate is far too high.

BIossomtoes · 31/12/2023 08:30

Zoopla provides a range of prices and its accuracy decreases with the time that’s elapsed since the property last changed hands. The house opposite us was sold in the summer and the price paid was exactly the same as the middle of the Zoopla range prior to sale.

VictoriasSponges · 31/12/2023 08:47

BIossomtoes · 31/12/2023 08:30

Zoopla provides a range of prices and its accuracy decreases with the time that’s elapsed since the property last changed hands. The house opposite us was sold in the summer and the price paid was exactly the same as the middle of the Zoopla range prior to sale.

So in other words, it's pretty meaningless.

You've proved the point. Unless it's sold recently, it's meaningless as the range can be hundreds of thousands. They don't come up with anything more accurate than you could yourself.

And the only accurate way is to look at the sold price on the Land Registry.

BIossomtoes · 31/12/2023 08:52

VictoriasSponges · 31/12/2023 08:47

So in other words, it's pretty meaningless.

You've proved the point. Unless it's sold recently, it's meaningless as the range can be hundreds of thousands. They don't come up with anything more accurate than you could yourself.

And the only accurate way is to look at the sold price on the Land Registry.

Show quote history

You haven’t read what I wrote, have you? A house on my street sold for exactly the value Zoopla put on it - bang in the middle of the range. I haven’t proved your point at all. The reverse in fact.

crackfoxy · 31/12/2023 08:54

Red flags flying! Get rid OP

Abbimae · 31/12/2023 09:04

Why would you pay for his kids? He seems a little too interested in money situation

DeeLusional · 31/12/2023 09:21

WelshMoth · 30/12/2023 13:11

You could always say that your 'money' is legally ring fenced; that both you and your late DH had a will that said that both your estate should only ever go to your 4 DC, even if you re-marry etc.

I wonder how long he'll stay around for OP. I get no pleasure at all saying this.

Mirror wills aren't worth the paper they are written on. The survivor can change it.

DeeLusional · 31/12/2023 09:22

The first time a man asked me for money, he would be out on his ear. And he has asked, when he asked OP to pay for his kids holiday.

AgentJohnson · 31/12/2023 09:37

Your finances and how you spend your money is none of his damn business.

This man is an entitled boundary pusher and you don’t sound like someone who is very clear about where your boundaries are. Do you really want to spend your time swatting away his nosiness and entitlement? I can’t see a future with this man as you know deep down what his expectations of your money are.

OkImListening · 31/12/2023 09:38

smilingeleanor · 29/12/2023 20:54

my guard is up - i will have the conversation about the holiday tomorrow and I think his reaction will tell me what I need to know

I dont actually think his lads would care where they slept - they've always been polite, a little shy but seem easy going. It was him that got narky around expectations. he's very protective of them and i think was going into that mode

my guard is up - i will have the conversation about the holiday tomorrow and I think his reaction will tell me what I need to know

Did you have the conversation with him, OP?

Original poster
smilingeleanor · 31/12/2023 10:37

Thanks for all the messages

I did raise this last night when we went for a drink. He's adamant he wasn't hinting I pay for the boys but doesn't think he can afford to pay for him and them - but I did say on reflection he perhaps shouldn't come as too soon for my youngest. That seemed to be ok and he agreed as well.

  • he said his joke about the twins being paid for was more a comment about how I may be overly generous with my adult children - he's got a thing about me paying for things when they're working full time. So was trying to make a point that i'm already paying for people i shouldn't Xmas Confused

anyhow - i took the opportunity to say my finances are not his concern and i wouldn't be entering into any conversation or engage in a debate about my personal affairs and could he please stop commenting. He went abit quiet and nodded.

I was thinking overnight that this is over really - but this morning he sent me a really long & thoughtful message apologising for over stepping boundaries, letting his own insecurities get to him. He'd still like to come over later for NYE but understands if I want some space. I'm minded to just give it space and suggest we go for a coffee in the new year and step things back abit

OP posts:
ISewISee · 31/12/2023 10:44

@smilingeleanor Big hugs!

DaisyDaisyDaisyDaisyDaisyDaisy · 31/12/2023 10:45

I honestly don't get the concept of being 'overly generous' with adult kids. I love treating my adult kids. They're my family. My flesh and blood. Why shouldn't I? It makes me really happy. Also it's absolutely no one else's business how you spend your money.

LittleGreenDragons · 31/12/2023 10:46

he said his joke about the twins being paid for was more a comment about how I may be overly generous with my adult children

a) jokes are supposed to be funny. It wasn't a joke but a criticism.
b) it is not his business how you treat your children, adult or otherwise. It's not far off complaining you giving your children more time over his children.

He still doesn't get it. He doesn't get It's not about money as such but the underlying nastiness of his personality.

Santaisscouringindeedfornewjob · 31/12/2023 10:48

Op you are a fine example of a dm putting her dc's first in every way.. And of not being taking for a ride by a man. I salute you honestly.. I can't be the only one to think if mn had been around Back In The Day many of us could have had more help and support to make better choices instead of going it alone on the rough roads...
Happy New Year...

Vinrouge4 · 31/12/2023 10:51

DaisyDaisyDaisyDaisyDaisyDaisy · 31/12/2023 10:45

I honestly don't get the concept of being 'overly generous' with adult kids. I love treating my adult kids. They're my family. My flesh and blood. Why shouldn't I? It makes me really happy. Also it's absolutely no one else's business how you spend your money.

Absolutely this.

InAPickle12345 · 31/12/2023 10:52

OP, you're a great mum and it's fantastic to see you automatically put your children, as well as their financial security and yours above anything else.

Great that you've had the conversation with him and if I were in your shoes, I would step things back. Even if you do want to continue to date him, stepping things back will ensure he knows you're serious about your finances being none of his business if he does have any cocklodging aspirations.

Hope it all works out for you x

Cakeandcookies · 31/12/2023 10:54

Hugs to you 🤗 Well done for having the chat. Maybe give it breathing space and see what the NY brings, you'll know soon enough if he has got the message or not! Happy new year ✨️

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